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Good memories stink.........arghhhhhhhh

All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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It doesn't matter if a person is the dumper or the dumpee there are always memories of some kind.


I am not sure at what stage of healing I am at...right now the good memories are cutting like a knife. Looking at his pictures of better days and video clips I made of our mountain travel trip last Dec with a love song attached..slide show....makes me feel like crap...I thought it wouldn't bother me, but to watch it made me sad.


I work in the medical field and spent at least 2 hours yesterday talking with a RN who worked 15 years in a methadone clinic as a head nurse so she extremely experienced about drug addicts.


She knew I broke up with my ex back in March 08 and she told me that it's better I move away and start over...she told me not even to be friends with him either....a clean break.


I told her of my recent problems with him wanting me to get back with him, and me deciding that would not be a good idea and stuck to my gut instinct to remain alone.


Also, I told her of his health and digestive problems and she told me that sounds to her as though he is starting to have liver failure...when I heard that I felt like a knife went inside my chest.


Yes, my ex is a person with serious problems, but the thought of him in his middle 40's and probably die young pains me terribly.


I wanted to hate him for causing me so much grief, but my true feelings is for him to be a happy whole person in the next life, because according to the person I spoke with above she knows he will never be okay...I know it's the truth...he has had addiction problems since he was 14, no life/or coping skills, and mentally he is like a child. He has never been able to hold down a job and never had a serious relationship...and at the age of 45, still doing drugs, been kicked out of 8 rehabs I don't see it getting better.


Three years ago a guy left a text message because at the time my ex was using my phone to get messages and a guy left this strange message (I thought it was for a job), but when I called he said, your bf likes to suck c*ck, I was like, "NO", "your a liar". He likes women, but then last year I found on his computer a whole bunch of e-mails of short conversations with other guys to meet up for some type of encounter if you know what I mean. I knew he allowed those losers he hung with to use his computer all the time, but this shocked me. He didn't have any money, job, or income...so how was he getting his money for drugs...he seemed to hang with the lowest life people all who were guys...he claimed not to ever done things with men, but he hung around alot of gay men. He told me of other guys he knew that were selling themselves for drugs, but he was very convincing of his innocence and him being appalled at the thought of doing anything like that.


What I cannot understand is knowing he is bad for my life how can I not stop thinking of the person I believed him to be and all those good memories I had of him....I am feeling very very sad right now.


The nights in the cabin 10,000 feet elevation in the Sierras during a snow storm, nice warm fire, he would put on our favorite movie the classic, "Wizard of Oz", and make me a hot apple cider, then we would snuggle up under the blanket....how can that not have been real??? 5 years of memories all wasted on his inability to kick drugs.


How will I ever be able to find a man who I had such a connection to again? I am scared I will never love again...it took me 39 years to let someone get close to me and in the end my heart was tore to shreds. I understand the anxiety, fear, and reluctance of those not wanting to get serious...it's stinks and it's painful...I protected my heart all these years for the reasons I never wanting to feel the pain I seen so many others endure. I kept my heart well protected how could I have let my guard down? How dare I allow someone to come into my life and sweep me off my feet and stomp on my virgin heart at my age..........grrrrrrrrrr.


It takes all my courage and strength to get up and go to work, but I have to continue on with my life regardless if I am like a zombie and completely dead inside. I will have to force myself to return to my karate lessons and do what I need to do to survive.


The death of a relationship is the worse feeling in the world. I have lived 44 years and never have I ever experienced anything so devastating in my life. How am I going to replace my memory of him when someone good comes along?


Have I learned anything from this painful experience? Yes, I will NEVER ever live with another guy again unless I am married to him. He will have his own apartment, bank account, and life and I will have mine. If anyone tells me the 3 R's, which are Recovery, Rehab, or Relapse...I will RUN!


I am not sorry for this long post....but hope to wake up and feel better tomorrow.


The only way I will get past this is to move from the place where I am at now soon as possible and remember the epiphany (moment of enlightenment) my instincts told me not to go back with him. The reasons I broke up with him were valid, but that doesn't make the pain any less...I never in my life tried so hard to make something work and in the end I had to let go.


Perhaps I should concentrate more on the misery loving a drug addict caused me and less on the happier moments.


If I wouldn't have ended this toxic relationship it would have drained the very life from my body and inside my heart I knew I could never go back...

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I am sorry you are feeling so bad. It is natural to remember the good points..you are disappointed that you didn't get your happily ever after. The best thing to do is to not let your mind think about him at all...block him out of your head this way you won't get the wistful thoughts dragging you down or the angry thoughts dragging you down. Your thoughts have to be neutral in order to be able to move on with your life...and the only way to get neutral thoughts is to pretend like this man never existed in your life.

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Within my experience, getting over a broken relationship (including when I was the one who finished it), doesn't go in a straight line. More like a zigzag one, where there will be good days when you appreciate what you have now you're out of the relationship; and bad days, where you remember the good times and grieve. I ended a relationship at the end of July because it was abusive, and I have no regrets about that at all. But the other day I heard a song on the radio which had been played at a 'do' we went to, and I felt sad and tearful for several days afterwards - not that I was hankering after him, but more about lost hopes and dreams.


But these bad times ARE just part of the processing, and although it feels as though you're going backwards - actually, you're not. Another thing to think about is that you can be as addicted to your relationship as the addict is to his drug, and experience a kind of emotional withdrawal when it ends. If you do a search on 'Codependency' there are support groups for people who are going through the kind of experiences you are at the moment, which you might find helpful.

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hi dreamwarrior (and others),


i could so very much relate to your posting. i am sorry you are going through something like this.


recently i read this quote and i thought it was so true.....


“However a marriage is dissolved, it remains indissoluble. Real divorce, the divorce of the heart and nerve and fiber, does not exist. There is no divorce from memory.”


Virgilia Peterson


i find it painful to accept that the person who shared your best moments is also the same person who can betray you in the most hurtful ways.


i am in the process of divorcing my husband after ten years of marriage. just a year ago he was diagnosed with bipolar disease. his disease is not "his" fault but the choice of dealing with it or not, still is. it is so hard to break up with someone who is not healthy mentally because you feel like you are abandoning them.


for a year i stood by my husband and experienced true agony and things did not improve but continued to get worse and worse. finally i knew his disease was beginning to destroy my physical and mental health and i chose to save myself.


of course that makes me feel selfish, that i wasn't tough enough to hang in there, that i couldn't keep my marriage vows. i am seeing a counselor to help to deal with all of that.


but none of the counseling really helps when i remember those really good times that we shared, when i felt totally connected to my husband.


when he was mentally stable, he really made me feel loved and appreciated and that's what i miss now -- that and the wonderful companionship of the millions of little moments that make a marriage.


right now i am trying to cope by honoring those moments in my life as good things and trying not to let what came after ruin those wonderful memories. i guess for me, i'm glad i had them and will always have them in my heart.


going through this is NOT easy, is it?

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  • 2 weeks later...
Perhaps I should concentrate more on the misery loving a drug addict caused me and less on the happier moments.


While this approach works for me to not miss the person, it also makes me feel bad that I would be with someone with such problems. As I think about how bad she was, in a sense it is putting myself down because I was with someone so "bad."


Maybe thinking about the bad things is OK in the beginning, but for now, it makes me feel better thinking that she was a good person but made poor decisions. At the core is someone sweet and understanding but she doesn't always show that side. She can't see herself, so would I be able to?

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