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Tell me what's going on???

I have been dating the best man for 1 1/2 yrs. We have so much fun together, are so well matched. I know he loves me and digs me. He says I am the most awesome woman he has ever met and tells his friends and family that too. We seldom argue or fight. He's not the type to fool around or even look around. He seems happy just with me.

The main problem is distance (1.25 hrs. away from each other) and our jobs, which we both need and cannot change at this time. He was married 23 years and divorced 6 yrs. I am divorced also. He dated around but nothing stuck until me. Everyone I have met who knows him will say this is the happiest they have ever seen him and people tell us all the time how happy we seem together. We switch off weekends at each others house. Usually get together Saturday afternoon and evening until later Sunday afternoon, then sadly we go our separate ways until the next weekend but talk on the phone 3x's a week in between. When I ask him about all the driving, he shrugs it off and says, "You don't hear me complaining."

He is highly independent although he said, he liked being married and would still be if she hadn't drastically changed - so he can have a committed relationship. But he is very settled into his bachlor life and has many hobbies and friends and home improvements he is always working on. I never make any issue with him doing his thing. I am also very independent. His brother recently had financial problems and moved in with him which I know has caused him a lot of stress. He also gets stressed about a lot of his unfinished projects

Here's the problem. We (I bring it up) have discussed several times the future and what we are going to do because of the distance thing and our jobs. He gets irritated and has said he doesn't know where this will go and has no answer and then says he doesn't like to talk about something he can't fix. He really gets crabby. I came up with the perfect commuter plan several months ago; I'd sell my house, get and apartment here then on weekends come home to him at his house. We'd bank my home proceeds for a future home or retirement (we are both in our 50's). Then he could have his space and even more time when I'm ther on weekends to do his things. I added, "only when the time is right" so as not to freak him out. He smiled and hugged and kissed me after I talked to him about it. Since then, we haven't talked about it but I felt happy to have a solution eventually.

Since then, things have been great although this week we had an argument because he was hunting, then Thanksgiving separate (to be with our families) and it ended up to be 3 weeks since we've seen each other and I mentioned that and said I missed him. We ended up arguing. Then I didn't hear from him all week despite leaving a couple messages for him. Yesterday he called he said he's been thinking and the "distance thing is wearing on both of us" and needed to end things. I was shocked. He also added some really minor things and some where almost lame, like he was looking for something to blame. I cried. He said this was so hard because I am the most awesome person he has met, I'm thoughtful, kind, beautiful, clean and really hot sexy.

 

I don't get it?? My son reminded me that last year during the holidays he got real weird too - almost depressed and I was worried he was going to dump me then. We didn't see each other the whole Christmas season. The distance never really seemed to bother him much. Right up until a week ago, everything seemed fine. Not like you can usually see it coming because your fighting or more distant. Nothing like that. One week and it's over.

What the hell? How can he just end it just like that and will he think things over and miss me and maybe come back some day???

I love him so much and we were so right - even he thought so - at least until recently. I know I wrote a book but background is important to understand this mess. Anybody out there experience the same thing or have any thoughts? I'm just devestated.

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It sounds as though he wasn't holding up as well as you believed whenever you raised questions about the future. Your interest in moving forward in contrast to his aversion to discussion about it may have weighed heavier on him than you know. He likely felt that not wanting to plan a future with you was unfair to you--and nothing feels more dismal than stringing someone along.

 

Add to that the argument you had at this seasonal time of year, which is likely a time he typically shuts down and mourns the loss of his marriage and family life--this sounds like the perfect storm.

 

My heart goes out to you. I hope you'll come through this realizing you deserve more than this man was prepared to give to you.

 

In your corner.

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Hi,

 

Thank you for your supportive reply on my post. I came over here to read yours and I am shocked at how similar our break-ups were. Everything was wonderful, and everyone knew it; things were looking great, and after one fight it seems to spiral. Then out come all of the things he hasn't been communicating to you about.

 

I am really sorry to hear this. It does sound like you two had a wonderful relationship, and now he is too stressed or nervous about commitment or something to continue it. You tried to help come to a solution that would solve the distance problem, and he responds by saying the distance was too great.

 

In my situation, my boyfriend lived with me and was very dependent on my mom for the roof over his head, on me for my paychecks (which have always been bigger than his), and also me to help him stay motivated and continue his schooling. I know for a fact he felt helpless to solve these problems on his own and demasculanized because he couldn't help me as much as I was helping him. I don't think this is the only reason he broke up with me, but it was a definite stress factor.

 

I think your guy probably felt that stress and pressure too. He wanted to make everything magically all better- the fix-it-now type. According the the "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" series, guys are like this a lot of the time. When they see a problem, they immediately want to fix it and make it better, especially where their woman is concerned, and they get crazy if they think they are helpless to solve that issue.

 

It could have been a lot of other things too, but either way, I hope you can figure out what is best for you and really stick to it. I'm glad your son could provide some insight; it sounds like the holidays are a pretty bad time for this guy.

 

Luck and light and love to you, and I hope you feel better as time passes.

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Thank you for your nice reply. Some insight too. Both of us have some sad days ahead. Today was very tough on me but I was almost glad to be at work. I still go over and over all this in my mind as to what happened and how, after 1 1/2 good years can a normally stable man decide in 4 days to end and move on. Just like that. None of my friends and family can understand it either. I just hope that in time he will realize what he gave away and that I can heal. I've had some really rough relationships and this one really hurts because it was so good and he was so good to me.

Sounds like you did a lot of caretaking and that can hurt too. You gave plenty and now I imagine you feel the sting of a lack of appreciation too. I'm sorry for you. I hope he has a major revelation too and realizes what a great thing he had and gave away and I hope both oif us can move on. It is really going to take me a long time to trust and get over this horrible pain I feel.

Take care of yourself and thanks again.

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I am so sorry to read your story. I can't even imagine how you must feel. My ex husband could break things off in an instant, but he was no where near as 'normal' as your bf seems. I agree that maybe (for some reason) the holidays are hard on your guy and maybe he will more than regret this after the holidays (he probably already does). Please keep your head up and keep us posted!!!!

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Thank you so much for your kind reply because most responses have told me to just deal. I know I need to deal with reality and this is most likely the end but it's so totally out of the blue! Even today, although I finally got a full nights sleep, I have a hard time understanding how someone, who has professed his love, put a lot of effort into things, didn't seem to mind driving to see me, had all the space a man could want and even, ending things, said all the things about me that any "normal" man would be lucky to have - all positives?????

Just don't get it and I can only hope NC and after the holidays and, maybe even trying dating, will make him realize how good we were together and, to be totally frank, not trying to be arogant, the best thing that has happened in his life - his words. I also know, men in general, don't like being alone for long - they usually need to be with someone and he liked being married. He never struck me as someone who just wanted to date around.

On the other hand, anytime the "future" came up, he wasn't real good about discussing it. Maybe he just wants it simple and uncomplicated on his terms and got scared. He seemed settled in his single-dom when I met him yet put a ton of effort into being with me. Not like any of the other short term things he had. Plus....he's a really nice person and with morals and decency. So self-centered I never got but I did see him very protective of his lifestyle and his need for time to do his things....which he got plenty of without any grief on my part other than to tell hiim I missed him (maybe that caused him to feel guilty?). Some have suggested he just wanted a relationship on his terms and when he had to look at having a real relationship he knew he couldn't do it - like argue sometiimes or help me with things sometime or make some small changes or basically move forward and try to figure out a possible future plan. Maybe i just wasn't that important.

It is hard for me to believe because I was the only one that he stuck with in 6 years and he's not a fake type. I knew never to ask him a question I didn't want an honest answer on. He is for real. So this must be for real too. But- Saturday he wants to come up and see me (but I told himn to stay home and do his thing because I knew he was stressed) and Monday we get into and argument and he ends it all within 7 days? He is normally so level headed and stable.

I am sorry to go on and on but as you can tell....it just doesn't make sense and I am still having a hard time dealing. Thank you again for your kind response. It's the only one that gave me even an inkling of hope. Thank you again. Sometimes you need that just to get through

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