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Writing an open-hearted letter


Tarkan

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So I have this best friend since almost a year. We're going along well and since a few months, I think we both started develop feelings for eachother. Why I think this ? Because we hug alot, she holds my hand, she says things she shouldn't say to a normal friend and we always have a good time together.

 

The problem is she has a bf, the only one she ever got. Since a week she told me she was thinking about breaking up with him. From what I hear, the guy is really cold towards her and she thinks he's cheating. I should just have said that I will be there for her if she had to talk or if she needed someone to be with.

 

The problem is that when she is serious with me about her feelings I either don't notice, or I don't know how to handle it. And she does the same with me ... because she fears to leave her relationship and thinks she can't get anyone else, which is false. Long things short, we are playing eachother the whole time and I think that, because of my low human knowledge, I screw up the most ...

 

Anyway I sent a text before this weekend saying I wanted to be together with her this weekend. She responded by saying that was really sweet and kind of me and she asked why. I said that I just wanted to be with her because then I feel great. And insisted on seeing her ... Her answer was kind off avoiding the subject and she said she couldn't see me this weekend.

 

The day after felt ackward and we were like ignoring eachother a bit. At the end of the day, i talked with her and said I regretted what I said if it was something she didn't want to hear. I also said that I hope that she still sees a friend in me. Now this is total idiocy since I sincerely believe in my feelings ... they weren't made up. What I said to her is basically : " oh nvm, I said I liked you but am sorry for that " She said it was ok and she had a rough day with her bf. That day she didn't told me goodbye and walked away.

 

 

 

 

I feel bad because once again, since am bad with words, I said things that I shouldn't have said. I should have been playing cool and just be there for her.

 

 

 

My question is: I wanted to write an open-hearted letter to her to put every thing straight. Tell her what's been going on with her and me and how I feel. I don't expect a positive answer but I just have to write the thing's that I can't tell in words. Several people told me that writing is a good idea ? What do you think about it ? I just can't live with lies anymore

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No, a letter is a bad idea.

 

You're her friend, and she probably sees you as nothing more, even if you want her to see more. I'm sorry to be blunt, but i'd rather break it to you hard than have her do it to your face and break your heart in the open.

 

The letter will become ammo if anything goes wrong - and at your age, they do - fast.

 

The only lies you are having to deal with are the ones you're telling to yourself. If you really see something happening with this girl, you're going to at least have to wait until she decides that her BF isn't for her. Any sooner and you'll be the bad guy.

 

Best,

Sn0

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I'll reconcider it then,

 

What can I do meanwhile ? Just be there for her ?

 

@Snoman: I think we're more then just friends but I'd have to explain everything we did the last year. Trust me, I think I can see the difference. And if you're right about this, then she has to reconsider what she's doing because friends wouldn't do what she does.

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It sounds like you are becoming emotionally attracted to her ,which isn't a good thing.If she just thinks of you as a friend and you want more it will only be a painful experience for you. I think you should back off for awhile.She likely already suspects that you have feelings for her so by backing off she might percieve that you can't handle the situation as it is[her with her current boyfriend]so it may spur her to take some action and dump her boyfriend.I was in a simialr situation and I did the same thing .The girl I liked has recently gotten out of her relationship and is showing signs of interest to me ,why? likely because I backed off.

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Ok I will back off. I spoke with her today and she had a rough weekend. Made her laugh again so thats a good thing. But like you said I won't push anymore !

 

I have 2 questions:

 

1) Lets say the person is insecure. She wants to leave her bf but since it's the only one she ever got, she might think she can't get another. That might push her to not let her bf go unless she's really sure to be with someone else. How to do this while backing off ?

 

2) Why is being emotionally attracted a bad thing ? Sure, looks are important but it's not the reason why I like someone or not. I couldn't imagine being with someone that I aint in love with.

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Ok I will back off. I spoke with her today and she had a rough weekend. Made her laugh again so thats a good thing. But like you said I won't push anymore !

 

I have 2 questions:

 

1) Lets say the person is insecure. She wants to leave her bf but since it's the only one she ever got, she might think she can't get another. That might push her to not let her bf go unless she's really sure to be with someone else. How to do this while backing off ?

 

2) Why is being emotionally attracted a bad thing ? Sure, looks are important but it's not the reason why I like someone or not. I couldn't imagine being with someone that I aint in love with.

 

Being emotionally attracted to her implies that you are already assuming that you guys are together.I mean what if it doesn't happen,then it will be hard to deal with.It's a tough situation obviously ,if you tell her your feelings you risk losing the friendship but if you don't take the risk she will never know how you really feel about her.Does she have romantic feelings for you?Just be prepared for the fact she may not be interested,if you tell her your feelings,it might change the friendship and she might back off.

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See that's what I mean

 

If i tell my feelings she will back off

 

If I don't tell them she will not know

 

 

On another side note, yes we do alot of romantic stuff like going out, flirting, holding hands, hugging, etc ... but yet she's with her bf and like I said I think she's afraid to leave and I don't know if she waits for me to make a move or not. What happened a few days ago made me think that she was troubled by the fact I could have feelings ( but she argued with her bf that day and was in a bad mood ) but then why all the romantic stuff ?

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See that's what I mean

 

If i tell my feelings she will back off

 

If I don't tell them she will not know

 

 

On another side note, yes we do alot of romantic stuff like going out, flirting, holding hands, hugging, etc ... but yet she's with her bf and like I said I think she's afraid to leave and I don't know if she waits for me to make a move or not. What happened a few days ago made me think that she was troubled by the fact I could have feelings ( but she argued with her bf that day and was in a bad mood ) but then why all the romantic stuff ?

I know I couldn't be friends with someone if I had romantic feelings for them.It would be too painful.Maybe you should take the plunge and risk the friendship .
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That sounds like horible fatality I think I want both >

 

My problem is that I can love without being friends first. Dunno it's really hard for me to get invloved fast and I always need more time ... in that time you often create friendship, see what I mean ?

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That sounds like horible fatality I think I want both >

 

My problem is that I can love without being friends first. Dunno it's really hard for me to get invloved fast and I always need more time ... in that time you often create friendship, see what I mean ?

 

Oh boy... do I know THIS scenario. As mentioned in a few of my other posts on the site, I've been through a similar dilemma.

Back in my 2nd year at university I started to like this girl on my course. I found out that she had a boyfriend and everything, so I just kind of hung round and eventually became good friends with her. Trouble was, the closer I got to her as a friend the stronger my feelings for her became. I was afraid to lose her as a friend while at the same time I wanted to be romantically involved as well.

After being her friend for 2 years, (this was just over 3 months ago) I eventually plucked up the courage to send an open hearted email to her, telling her everything that I felt. University had ended by then and I was afraid that we'd drift apart and I'd never end up telling her.

She rejected me, and I was gutted. Absolutely heart broken. The following weekend there was a bit of an unfortunate event with her and one of my friends getting close, and after I ended up hitting him, (something I would never had thought I would have done beforehand. I'm really not a violent person at all) we decided not to contact eachother until I had gotten over my feelings.

Now, the whole ordeal had been a very upsetting, arduous one for me. But you know what? If I hadn't have told her, I would still be here worrying about having to tell her one day. The situation would have been worse as well, since there have been some developments in the situation which I won't go into. I've found out from other friends that she is still anxious to be my friend once again, and from the sounds of how much of a good friend the girl in your situation is, she'd most likely be the same.

If you leave this thing too long, the situation might end up even worse and you'd still be thinking about whether or not to tell her. What if she broke up with her boyfriend and then started going out with someone else soon after? Of course, you can never tell what the outcome will be if you tell her, but if you don't take any risks then you're just going to get even more pent up about it.

If you're really worried about ruining the friendship, take it from me that trying to move on from your feelings while still refraining from telling her really isn't easy since you'd still be thinking about the potential prospect of her feeling the same way.

Whatever might happen, I say take the plunge and find a way to tell her. (A letter is a good idea. Trying to tell her in person is probably something that you'd find extremely difficult, especially if there are several points that you'd want to make.) If you do nothing, then you'll continue to do nothing about it, and you'll still be left wondering whether or not there's something there between you two. The longer you leave it, the harder it's going to be as well.

I really do hope for your sake that you can work things out with her, and that everything goes well for you. We don't know what'll happen if you do tell her, but surely a life where you're left wondering what could have been isn't going to satisfy you. I wish you the best of luck, whatever you choose to do.

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wow this descirbes exactly the situation or how I feel. Well anyway, I'll take the time to talk to her because I've got the feeling I lost her as a best friend. I noticed a sudden change in her behaviour towards me ... like if everything she ever said to me was fake.

 

I can get over the fact I can't get her. But I couldn't get over the fact i lost her as a friend. Am ok with being friends it's just she has done so much for me and me so much for her that I can't drop her like that.

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If you tell her your feelings via a letter,don't make it a long letter with a lot of feelings involved.Just tell her if she ever broke up with her boyfriend you would be interested.The worst thing you could do would be to start professing your love for her,it will kill any possible interest from her.The cooler you play it[but still tell her how you feel]the better.After you tell her you might want to suggest taking a break from your friendship[to clear your head].Let her be the one to initate contact with you.

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