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when they say they are not close to you anymore


shikashika
20 Walk Away Quotes: For when the T...
20 Walk Away Quotes: For when the Time Has Come to Finally Leave

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Now throughout this forum and many other relationship forums and dating advice, we hear about NC or keeping your distance when you think a breakup is coming because you will not seem needy or you will have time to heal etc

 

What if the reasons your partner gives you that they are not happy anymore or that they do not feel close to you is that he feels you are not turned on by him (but you are... and think you show it all the time) they feel you do not support them the way they need you to (but you try to support him the best way you can when it comes down to job frustrations, money, life decisions) and what if you are in a long distance relationship where you haven't seen the person for a while and may not see them for a few months,

 

What if this person said they were completely in love with you, wanted to spend their life with you and wanted to make decisions together.

 

 

What if this person was going through a very rough phase with their job, finances and many other things and this whole frustration seemed to come out of nowhere when they were writing love letters the previous week and saying how much they missed you?

 

After they revealed their frustrations, and said he said 'I dont know what I want' (which in usual circumstances, is code for, "i don't want to be with you anymore!) and "I don't feel close to youright now" would you still go NC on them?

 

Its all very confusing. This is a long distance thing where you don't know when you will see each other again, but have made plans to move to their city, but may not be able to do that for a few months.

 

would you drop it, go NC and cry for a few days?? or is this a situation where you'd cool it for a bit, but send them an email.

 

This person may have depression, but you want to help them through it.

 

or am I making excuses?

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You could be more specific.. I mean, i felt like reading a poem.... Well, the whole concept of understanding someone has one basic flaw... "You cant understand someone 100%"... So you cant predict always how someone will behave in a certain situation... But i guess the only thing that can solve it, is by acceptance. You could accept when you have done something wrong. If your SO was really messed about about something and got mad at you or something and you got mad back saying "I'm not being loved, i dont have to be in a relationship with you anymore...." You could always go back, once you have felt the anger going down, you could accept your mistake. I guess, giving second chances, making compromises are part of relationships. Never close your side entirely from a person you think you are not approximately sure about... Again surity is not 100%... I guess it differs by perspective and the depth of what that relation has made in your heart, be it pain, love, or even sexual... And when people are distant, as in miles or kms, it makes it more difficult for each other to move on, until what they had before living distanced was something that was really strong and the memories of it would be strong...

 

When you are loved, you dont know the meaning. When you lose it, you might look for it again, maybe not from the same face.... And staying on with a partner isnt something easy, it does take utmost sincerity and love... And maybe a lifetime of sharing things...

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If the person is going through a rough time and is depressed then perhaps their perceptions are a bit skewed because nothing the other person does is good enough since there are just too many overwhelming issues going on in other aspects of life. An example is someone who is dealing with a physical illness...often the person lashes out at the ones closest to him or her, accuses them of not caring enough when in fact these people are doing the best they can. It is the illness and feelings of inadequacy which drive the negative responses to those closest to him/her.

 

It sounds to me like life became overwhelming and he is trying to keep his head above water so he is lashing out. In this case I would not suggest NC..I would suggest backing off a bit but still keeping in touch in some capacity. He is pushing his loved one (I am assuming that is you?) away possibly because he is just overwhelmed with everything. He needs some space to get his head together...but you can stay in the background. This is a different situation than someone who simply says they are not sure because they are eying someone else or want to play the field. This guy has many stressful issues going on, so his "not sure" has to do with being overwhelmed. Patience, keeping a low profile but still maintaining a presense in his life might be the best course of action. You can give it X amount of time and then re-evaluate the situation to see where to go from there.

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I would not go NC while actually in a relationship. I'd never advise that. That is for healing after a relationship ends.

 

I don't know what else to say except keep communicating and hopefully he will realize that you are putting in effort and that you do support him. If he's going to construe things otherwise no matter what you say or do, then that's on him and you can't really change that.

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That happened with me and my husband. Sometimes the outside pressures of money, work, and other stuff is just crushing down on you. He didn't see that, and chose to get rid of the one thing he sort of had control over because he felt out of control - me. He couldn't "get rid of" his biological family who drove him crazy or other stuff like that.

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I would not go NC while actually in a relationship. I'd never advise that. That is for healing after a relationship ends.

 

I don't know what else to say except keep communicating and hopefully he will realize that you are putting in effort and that you do support him. If he's going to construe things otherwise no matter what you say or do, then that's on him and you can't really change that.

 

 

its long distance.... he said he didn't want to speak with me after what seemed like endless arguing and hung up...that was 3 days ago... maybe it is over.. I don't know.

 

Worst part is, i sent him his christmas present full of all sorts of lovey stuff and he hadn't received it then, but i guess will receive it in the next few days..

 

I don't get it as 2 days prior he was talking about how much he missed me and was in love with me then this...

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he said he didn't want to speak with me

 

Oh, I hadn't realized he said this. Perhaps I didn't read your post thoroughly enough, sorry. I think because he has specifically asked for this, then you should respect that.

 

Hard to say whether or not it's over for good. Maybe he needs some time to cool off post-argument.

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Well most of the conversation was around the fact that I wasn't giving him the 'right ' advice.

 

it seems to me like he is so frustrated with stuff that is going on and he can't change it.

 

Saying things like, "i don't want to hear solutions, i just want you to listen"

 

But then if i just listened day after day to the same thing, then i would feel that i wasn't doing anything helpful.

 

What saddens me the most is how he went from missing me , sending me letters, saying any decision in life isn't worth it without me... to this completely cold, zero compassion person who said he isn't happy and I always say the wrong thing and how he feels that i'm not turned on by him and he told a joke tha I didn't laugh at... when i've laughed at 10000 of his jokes. Sorry I didnt' laugh at that one.

 

I guess what he's trying to do is make me feel bad, for treating HIM poorly, but i do my best to support and encourage him. He even said he got angy at me because I called him with my cell phone and he knew it cost more than the landline and that infuriated him.

 

For him to say that I don't seem into him, when i'm the one making actually plans to move to the city where he lives ( because he can't come here) is quite hurtful.

 

It would be nice to just say "I love you!" a hundred time a day but if I want this relationship to work, then i'm going to go to the city where I have something to go for too... in my mind, that is showing true commitment to the relationship...whereas he is getting upset because when he complains about his job, i try to offer solutions and apparently I've offered the wrong one.

 

 

Initially, he was waaaaay more in to the relationship than me, told me he loved me right away, wanted to make decisions together etc. i was on board... then all of a sudden he just started getting mad at me for not laughing at a joke or i don't know what!

 

He was very angryand annoyed when he hung up. i know I should have been calm and collected and let him be, but i was quite upset and I thinkt hat makes him worse.

 

Especially because I made an extra effort for something only we can understand and is a 'joke' in the christmas parcel I sent him.

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If he told you not to contact him that you should abide by his wishes. You gave him the present with good intentions..don't feel badly about that. Let him come to you now. You can't do very much about his attitude...the only think you can do is give him a wide berth and hope that he comes to his senses.

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If he told you not to contact him that you should abide by his wishes. You gave him the present with good intentions..don't feel badly about that. Let him come to you now. You can't do very much about his attitude...the only think you can do is give him a wide berth and hope that he comes to his senses.

 

 

He didn't say that exactly, in the phone conversation he said he didn't want to talk to me.... he just all of a sudden seemed like he wanted nothing to do with me anymore.

 

no exaggeration... 10 minutes previously he sent me a lovey email ... send me naughty photos of himself.... then this

 

Its long distance and I dont' know what to do.

 

of course I'm running a million things through my mind.... is there someone else? I guess because I 'apparently' don't make him feel 'turned on, it is much more likely that someone that he can see in 'real life' like some girl at a restaurant who flirts with him is going to make him feel better than me who can't make him feel good about himself

 

 

When he is complaining that he doesn't feel close to me, or that he thinks I'm not turned on by him or whatever... I just think that me not contacting him is going to confirm that.

 

i did get an email from him before when i suspected that something was up. he said he couldn't relate to anyone, his colleagues, his roomate, his best friend, no one.

 

He is so stressed about his finances and said that causes him to be so unhappy. he accrued a lot of debt in grad school...and spent a lot of it on a failed long distnace relationship before... so again... I'm analysing that to see why he is so unhappy now. The reason why he is in a fair amount of debt now is because he spent so much money on that long distance relationship.

 

I know that he has had depression.. before I met him... actually when i first met him.. he still was going to a therapist...but again, i don't know if i'm making excuses for his actions.

 

I guess in this situation, it seemed like what brought him to this was that he didn't feel like i cared or wanted him or said the right thing... so how is me not contacting him going to do anything.

 

it just hurts me because less than a week he was talking about our future, me moving there, looking at places to live... then when i talked to him on the phone, there was no remorse in his voice he just sounded like he didn't care about me at all.

 

he did use the "I don't know what i want"... which I could translate as... he met someone else and doesn't know if it will owkr out but doesn't know if he wants to stay with me.

 

I feel like he's saying all these supposed horrible things to me, so that if it ends he can say "well she was this, she was that, didn't laugh at my jokes, wasn't into me'

 

instead of him saying i met someone else, or couldn't keep up the long distance relationship... ugh!!!

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You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out all of his mixed messages and mixed emotions. He doesn't understand himself at the moment so it is no wonder that you don't understand him. Unfortunately the only thing you can do at this point in time is have patience. Give him space. If he did indeed meet someone else closer to home then there is absolutely nothing you can do be it trying to get him to talk or backing away. The fact that he says he can't relate to anyone right now seems to indicate that he is going through some kind of internal struggle which is more related to his own issues rather than the relationship itself. You need to back away and let him sort it out. How long has it been since he contacted you? He should be getting what you sent him...wait and see if he contacts you to thank you..the ball really is in his court. The only thing you can do is sit tight and carry on with your life..yes, easier said than done, but you have no choice. Given his state of mind if you push too much you will push him away.

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yes, i worry that i have already pushed him away too far... because these conversations lasted for a couple of days.

 

Initially, because he talked about not feeling happy, but talking about his finances, his job his colleages, his car accident etc etc i thought by contacting him and showing my support for that that i was only doing what any good girlfriend would do.

 

So initially he wasn't talking about me, because on the very day that we had this conversation, I also got a text message that morning saying that he wished i were lying beside him.. and a postcard in the mail saying sweet nothings that he had sent a few days earlier.

 

So I guess i should have just left it then.. and the conversation wouldn't have got to that level.

 

I guess he sounded so sad and upset about life, job, finances etc that I wanted to support him. he is new in the city and doesn't have much support...but then it turned into this.

 

last time we talked was Thursday night.

 

I wish i'd just left it when i sensed something was up a few days earlier....but at that time I just thought he was upset with work and money.

 

I feel like I ruined it by talking to him about it and contacting him... when i thought the issues were something he wanted support with and didn't realise he was so unhappy with me and 'us'

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Maybe I should have posted this in the breakup section

 

It just went from loving warm kind... to this... and I guess if what he is trying to do is make me feel bad for the way I 'treated him' then its working.

 

I am thinking... if only i laughed at that joke, if only i seemed more interested in that one phone call...ignoring the fact that we are in contact every day.

 

it seems like he is trying to make me feel bad.

 

And the old him would never do that. I've been dumped before and usually the guy shows a little remorse... its like he doesn't even care... when this is the guy who i've seen be so emotional.

 

he doesn't seem like the same person at all.. but in his mind, he is so angry at me. So he will never think "gosh, I was out of line, I should apologise" he just has all these horrible things to say about why he is not happy.

 

If he truly feels that I don't care about him... then maybe if some girl flirted with him or showed him a bit of attention, then he would feel like someone is showing him attention... not me.

 

so he's angry at me. or maybe there just is someone else and he doesn't want to admit it, but instead says all these mean things to me so its not 'his' fault, but then he can convince himself that there was a good reason for a breakup.

 

I wonder how much the long distance has to do with it.. It is very long distance by the way.

 

it just hurts that less than a week ago we were talking about our futures and he was saying that no career was more important than me and and he was sending me emails and letters... then our last conversation he didn't have any compassion whatsoever.

 

Initially i had my concerns with moving to the city where he lives, but since then I've made fim plans to move there, but looking into a place to live and takign a course so i can do a program there, get a job etc.

 

so for him to say, "i want someone who wants to live here, i like it here"... when thats exactly what i'm doing is confusing.

 

but only last week he was saying how he didn't really like the city and he was thinking of moving somewhere else for a new job and what did i think of that?

 

So I think when he says, 'I don't know what i want" he really doesn't.

 

I guess it just means he doesn't want me!

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Initially i had my concerns with moving to the city where he lives, but since then I've made firm plans to move there, but looking into a place to live and takign a course so i can do a program there, get a job etc. i think thats actually showing i do care, by makign it realistic. if i were to just show up there with no job, no place to stay to 'live off love' then i don't think it would be very good int he long term.

 

Then he says, "I want someone who WANTS to live here' Well ... thats exactly what I'm planning on doing.

 

Then he starts to point out things that I had concerns with moving there. True, i did to begin with. Once i was even JOKINGLY saying something about all the granola people that lived there.. while i can even bea granola myself on occasion and he was making fun of it as well... so something that was a joke at one point has now come to him making accusations such as, "you don't like the city or the people here so why would you want to move here"

 

it was a joke... a joke that he was making!!!!

 

or the fact that i like to travel. Initially he was talking about really wanting to get some overseas work experience and was looking up jobs that were overseas. he was really excited in talking about places we could go and work overseas together.

 

Now he says, that I only want to come to the city then i want to leave after a year and he has no interest in travel and plans on staying in X-city for 10 years, because it seems like I'm not interested in staying there for 10 years.

 

i'm moving to be with him.. i'm looking at places to live, places to work, places to study... so for him to say that i dont' like the city or am not supporting him just baffles me!! its exactly what i am doing!

 

so for him to say, "i want someone who wants to live here, i like it here"... when thats exactly what i'm doing is confusing.

 

but only last week he was saying how he didn't really like the city and he was thinking of moving somewhere else for a new job and what did i think of that? eh then said that if i wasn't happy in another city, it wouldn't matter because he wouldn't choose a career over me.

 

So I think when he says, 'I don't know what i want" he really doesn't.

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Shika, it sounds like his life is not going well right now and he's decided to blame everything of you. This is evident to me from the way he has twisted things that you have said to make them the opposite and the way he keeps changing his mind about things. Sometimes when people are unhappy, they blame their partner and artificially create reasons why their partner is the cause of their unhappiness.

 

He doesn't seem to like himself right now (whether or not he realizes it, I would say it's coming out in his words) and so he's putting that on you.

 

It sounds like he needs time to cool down and think in a more rational level-headed way about what is really causing his problems.

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Shika, it sounds like his life is not going well right now and he's decided to blame everything of you. This is evident to me from the way he has twisted things that you have said to make them the opposite and the way he keeps changing his mind about things. Sometimes when people are unhappy, they blame their partner and artificially create reasons why their partner is the cause of their unhappiness.

 

He doesn't seem to like himself right now (whether or not he realizes it, I would say it's coming out in his words) and so he's putting that on you.

 

It sounds like he needs time to cool down and think in a more rational level-headed way about what is really causing his problems.

 

Thanks, it just hurts because he has told me that i've been more supportive than i could possibly imagined and the only person that encouraged him to look for a job in his passion... then he critisizes me for not supporting him.

 

Then he just starts to say cruel things like he just doesn't feel close to me or cares for me.

 

At first, when I just thought he was feeling down about work, money etc., I sent him a long supportive encouraging, thinking-of-you email.

 

And he responded with.

 

"thank you for the email. It was nice"

 

that was it.

 

I'm not over analysing that, but it was so cold and abrupt... he was never like that before.

 

This isn't the guy i fell in love with... or the guy that I want to spend my future with.

 

Why be so cruel... its one thing to say you're not happy in the relationship, but he is just angry at me for everything and said cruel things to make me feel bad.

 

He was just coming out with all these attacks out of nowhere.

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Shika, it sounds like his life is not going well right now and he's decided to blame everything of you. This is evident to me from the way he has twisted things that you have said to make them the opposite and the way he keeps changing his mind about things. Sometimes when people are unhappy, they blame their partner and artificially create reasons why their partner is the cause of their unhappiness.

 

He doesn't seem to like himself right now (whether or not he realizes it, I would say it's coming out in his words) and so he's putting that on you.

 

It sounds like he needs time to cool down and think in a more rational level-headed way about what is really causing his problems.

 

again, he even told me, "i'm not feeling good about things and i think this is because of you"

 

what the heck???

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Lady is right..he is unhappy with his life and trying to pin this on you. Supporting him was the right thing to do so don't second guess yourself. As far as the joke, well, we all make jokes that fall flat. It is not the joke that is the issue. He is just grasping at straws to find someone and something to blame. He is the issue here, not you. Don't beat yourself up, you did what you could to be a supportive girlfriend.

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so do i just never contact him ever again?

 

Maybe i'm naive, but if he is so unhappy with his life, and thinks that i don't care about him or am supportive of him, then if i never contact him, isn't that just confirming what he 'believes'?

 

Or maybe he is creating this situation to say, "see i'm right, she doesn't care'

 

It seems like he is being cruel to me, so then i will dislike him and not contact him, so he can confirm what he's accused me of.

 

Am i making any sense??

 

do people just lose attraction in a couple of days.

 

I can't change the way he feels, if he really feels unloved, or that i'm not into him or that i don't want to move to x-city, I don't know what else i can say to do that.

 

i guess thats all part of learning to read your partner... and I didn't do a very good job at it.

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so do i just never contact him ever again?

 

Maybe i'm naive, but if he is so unhappy with his life, and thinks that i don't care about him or am supportive of him, then if i never contact him, isn't that just confirming what he 'believes'?

 

Or maybe he is creating this situation to say, "see i'm right, she doesn't care'

 

It seems like he is being cruel to me, so then i will dislike him and not contact him, so he can confirm what he's accused me of.

 

Am i making any sense??

 

Maybe send him something telling him flat-out that you care for him, are not ignoring him in any way, and are respecting his expressed wishes not to talk for the time being, but that you're receptive to speaking with him.

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Maybe send him something telling him flat-out that you care for him, are not ignoring him in any way, and are respecting his expressed wishes not to talk for the time being, but that you're receptive to speaking with him.

 

I just have no idea now if he thinks this is all over by saying he's not happy and doesn't want to talk with me.

 

I just don't know if that will push him away even further or, if he has met someone, just make him more annoyed.

 

He will be getting a parcel soon, so I hope he will respond to that..

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I think Lady's idea is very good. I would, however, hold off until you see what he is going to do regarding the parcel. If he doesn't acknowledge the parcel then I would suggest you send him the note that Lady suggested and include that you hope he received the parcel you had sent him on x date. At this point it is best to make it crystal clear that you still care but that the ball is in his court. This way you can walk away with a clear conscience not second guessing yourself like you are now.

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Thanks everyone..

 

Well a bit of an update. He sent me a text message and called me, but i was unavailable.

 

Basically he just said, "Hi I hope you are doing OK, I'd like to talk to you, see how you are and how your weekend was"

 

I didn't feel like calling him because I'm too upset and i don't want to call back right away without thinking things through after how much hurt me last week.

 

I'm thinking i should tell him we should talk in a few days, because if I talk now i will just be upset and maybe say something i'll regret later...

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Just don't leave it too long to talk to him...if he is going through a rough time try to be understanding...don't do anything in retaliation for how he has treated you or else that will just escalate the battle.

 

 

No, but as soon as i saw the text message and heard the phone message i was really upset... I just think tight now if i call him I'm going to end up getting even mroe upset and it won't do anything.

 

Am I overreacting in that I'm upset that he didn't even say he was sorry?

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