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No one knows how I see sex...


x_perfect_stranger_x

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Ok guys, confession....Ive lately been seeing sex as a fun thing, Im not interested in being in a relationship, (havent had sex outside a relationship yet though) I really couldnt care less for all that lovey dovey stuff. At the moment Im enjoying going out with my friends, being silly and naughty and being able to flirt with everyone.

 

I was always made to think sex after marriage only, but I had to rethink my values as they have been always drilled in my head by my parents, I dont plan to get marriad, I see my career first. My friends dont have sex outside a relationship (boyfriends/girlfriend) so I used to think like that... until I realised I dont want to be in any relationship.

 

I'm sort of flirting with this guy at the moment, not seeing eachother, but we hang out, I met his friends and all, its very casual... things are starting to get heated up, I would take it further and all but Im unsure about having sex with a guy who Im not offical with. Like we arnt boyfriend/girlfriend... but the thing is I wouldnt want him to be my boyfriend, I only see him as a ...good time (in a nice way).

 

So my question here is, is it bad to have sex outside a relationship? I dont want relationship, but I dont want to be a skank.

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Why don't you find a person you're interested in on a intellectual level(not just physical), make him a steady sex buddy and maybe it develops into a relationship. Otherwise if you're just grabbing any guy you run the risk of being that girl.

 

 

 

Im not grabbing any guy... LOL its not like I go to a club and pick up guys. I've given up on looking for a guy who Im interested in intellectually and are good looking with the a good personality because they dont exist... Really, I spent maybe 2 years of my life 'searching' and dating all the so called smart guys, but the ones I dated had something that turns me off... clingyness... I guess Im toooooo picky when it comes to finding a person I could be in a relationship with.

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the only advice i have is - you are allowed to do what you want, i don't consider sex outside of a relationship as a bad thing at all, (come on, it's the 21st century now) - just be SAFE. make sure you use the right protection!

i'm a single girl who likes to have fun, and no one has ever called me skanky. i don't want a relationship either, but who says i can't have fun with other single guys i meet?

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You know what I am starting to feel the same way as the OP here, "m not grabbing any guy... LOL its not like I go to a club and pick up guys. I've given up on looking for a guy who Im interested in intellectually and are good looking with the a good personality because they dont exist... Really, I spent maybe 2 years of my life 'searching' and dating all the so called smart guys, but the ones I dated had something that turns me off... clingyness... I guess Im toooooo picky when it comes to finding a person I could be in a relationship with."

 

I'm either too picky too or the guy I want doesn't exist for a long-term relationship. Meanwhile.. I'm passing up all these opportunities to "have fun". Who would it hurt really?

 

I'm not going after anyone's husband or bf....I do believe in using protection, and since no one else seems to be a choir boy or girl anymore, why do I have to be so good?

 

I dunno... maybe having a fling sometimes, isn't such a bad thing.

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Woah. I'm sure you only meant that in the context of the OP's question but the application of that statement to other things like murder, is truly scary.

 

Which have nothing to do with what was being asked by the OP. I'm sure there's other advice that people have given that should only be applied to that situation, and horrible to others, but its not brought up because it has no relation to its situation at hand.

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Woah. I'm sure you only meant that in the context of the OP's question but the application of that statement to other things like murder, is truly scary.

 

She wasn't talking about murder though... She was asking about sex? How do you get murder from sex? Seriously?

 

Which have nothing to do with what was being asked by the OP. I'm sure there's other advice that people have given that should only be applied to that situation, and horrible to others, but its not brought up because it has no relation to its situation at hand.

 

 

^ Um yea.. really.. She wasn't asking about murder, she was asking about how she views sex and whether it was wrong or not.. Geez.. If she was asking about murder or something else I would have responded in context with that..

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having a sex buddy doesn't seem that bad. but there are some stuff about it that bothers me. like if you get pregnant and the guy ignores you, or you figure out at the time he was having sex with you he had it with other girls too, since there is no commitment there is really nothing you can say.I just cant stand a non monogamous sexual relationship for the sake of my physical and mental health. and usually unless the guy is really a friend they don't respect you as much. I usually see on the web or other forums how bad they talk about their casual sex buddies like how they banged the **** out of the * * * * * etc. I don't want to be talked about like that.

 

Well, I guess if someone is ok with all of that there would be nothing wrong with it.

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Very interesting, "why do I have to be so good?" is a valid question and can be answered thusly:

 

A king may move a man, a father may claim a son. But remember that, even when those who move you be kings or men of power, your soul is in your keeping alone. When you stand before God you cannot say "but I was told by others to do thus" or that "virtue was not convinient at the time. This will not suffice. Remember that.

 

One chooses to be good because it is good, you don't need others to be the barometer for your own morality and to use that reasoning is foolish.

 

Having sex outside a relationship so long as it's with consenting, clean, and single people (unless there's a defined open-relationship, naturally) then that's all well and good, but you defined it as being less moral so, in fact, you are giving it a stigma already and using others' behaviours as an excuse, it's hypocritical.

 

Another quote about religion, morality, etc:

 

Hospitaller: I put no stock in religion. By the word religion I have seen the lunacy of fanatics of every denomination be called the will of god. I have seen too much religion in the eyes of too many murderers. Holiness is in right action, and courage on behalf of those who cannot defend themselves, and goodness. What god desires is here

[points to head]

Hospitaller: and here

[points to heart]

Hospitaller: and what you decide to do every day, you will be a good man - or not.

 

Both quotes are from Kingdom of Heaven.

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When it comes to sexuality there are 2 things to consider.

 

Legality and Morality.

 

Now legally society has established certain rules. No minors, animals, the occasional rule about oral or sodomy (very rarely enforced) and of course location of sexual activities. The breaking of these rules allow society to punish you with legal consequences. (Fines/Imprisonment)

 

So after determining the legality of your sexual preference the next thing to evaluate is how you feel about it. To me this is where only your opinion matters. Now you can use others opinions to help shape your morality. Religions are a social structure that helps you define moral behaviors. But they are not absolute. Eventually each person makes their own decisions with moral behaviors.

 

Now it doesn't mean there are no consequences from our social structures (peers) and their definitions. Meaning if you sleep around, some will think of this as immoral. They may express (strongly) their opinions and think differently of you because of them. But in the end you need to decide what behaviors you feel you are alright with; What you are comfortable with. In this sense only you can define your sexuality and your desires and subsequent behaviors.

 

I personally think you need to be honest with yourself. Find a partner and ensure you have an agreed upon relationship. If it is mainly to satisfy a sexual appetite then pursue that. Just make sure both of you are on the same page with that determination.

 

It is no different that finding a workout buddy that you go to the gym with. Maybe the relationship has some other qualities but it could be established mainly for exercise and working out. You could also have a relationship with someone on dancing. A dance partner who you mainly dance with and explore the world of dancing together. It may not be more than that.

 

We have a variety of social relationships with others. Each is defined differently and individually. And all have various levels of intimacy.

 

There is nothing inherently wrong with establishing a sexual relationship with someone. Just be honest with them, and honest with yourself.

 

Guilt, shame and insecurity suck with sexuality. Be strong and define that for yourself. Don't allow others to do it for you.

 

 

Good luck.

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perfect stranger,

I think the positive thing about your dilemma is that you obviously feel very comfortable and happy with your independence. Many women feel like they need to have a guy or they will be unhappy and feel incomplete. That's a good quality you have, because if and when you ultimately settle down it will likely be with someone you are extremely compatible with.

 

Regarding this:

 

I've given up on looking for a guy who Im interested in intellectually and are good looking with the a good personality because they dont exist... Really, I spent maybe 2 years of my life 'searching' and dating all the so called smart guys, but the ones I dated had something that turns me off... clingyness...

 

Have you considered that perhaps you've been pursuing the wrong men (the 'smart guys')? I would suggest that the guys you've dated didn't click with you, and you've given up on all men. Maybe you need to look different places to find the right guy.

 

What are your interests? Take classes in line with your interests and see what guys show up. Find guys who share your interests, and passsions - ones you stand a better chance of connecting with.

 

Until you find him, just do what you're considering: date casually and have fun. Don't let anyone tie you down until you really feel something for him.

 

That would be my humble advice.

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Your reply made me feel heaps better, thank you. Im actually waiting to see if Ive passed my units and if I can graduate or not, if I do then Ive got allot of things planned out. For example, I want to go to a surf camp and learn to surf, go to salsa classes and even join a book club (If I can find one in my city lol)... So I'l never know, I might meet mr right there, but even if I dont, It wont get to me because there are bigger things waiting for me!

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She wasn't talking about murder though... She was asking about sex? How do you get murder from sex? Seriously?

 

 

 

 

^ Um yea.. really.. She wasn't asking about murder, she was asking about how she views sex and whether it was wrong or not.. Geez.. If she was asking about murder or something else I would have responded in context with that..

 

In Shakespearean Literature orgasm was identified by a death with murder denoting both rape and consensual sex in the case of innocence being lost or youth compared to experience. It's an interesting allusion and while not what the OP, or others, intended there is a connection, moreso if you consider the similarities between lust and rage considering the lack of restraint required and the bio/psychological effects on the body.

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