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Is it ok to send him a letter of closure?


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I spent many hours yesterday writing a letter of closure.

 

We broke up so suddenly and there were many things left unsaid and i feel this is impacting on my ability to heal.

 

It is very personal and very emotional letter. But it is not asking for him back.

 

It's telling him i acknowledge the mistakes i made within the relationship and also the ones he made. It's telling him the lessons i learnt and changes i've made within myself to ensure those mistakes aren't repeated. I've told him how i feel about him (not nasty emotions - just that love that will always remain in my heart for him) but made it clear this was a letter of closure and no chance for reconciliation.

 

It was definitely a therapeutic experience writing it to him.

 

I know a lot of people here recommend writing your thoughts/emotions but not actually sending it.

 

Personally i feel there are so many things left unsaid and this letter provides complete closure for me. I feel the need to send it to him as part of my acknowledgement that it's over.

 

What are your thoughts?

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Eh, what the hell, it can't hurt. I sent like huge letter to my most recent ex. It was pretty much along the lines of what you wrote, except down the line I realized that "my mistakes" were not actually mistakes, so I bit regret sending it. Oh well, but it felt good getting it off the chest, not that she would give a rats a@@.

 

Did it help you move on after sending it?

 

The only thing i am worried about is he may contact me after sending the letter (although i made it clear this letter was about moving on and closure and basically "have a good life") but i know his head and he may try to get in contact with me and i dont think i can handle it. That's why i am thinking of perhaps waiting a few more months until i feel a little stronger. So IF he decides he will contact me i can handle it a lot better than i would right now.

 

Did your ex contact you after you sent the letter?

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Did it help you move on after sending it?

 

The only thing i am worried about is he may contact me after sending the letter (although i made it clear this letter was about moving on and closure and basically "have a good life") but i know his head and he may try to get in contact with me and i dont think i can handle it. That's why i am thinking of perhaps waiting a few more months until i feel a little stronger. So IF he decides he will contact me i can handle it a lot better than i would right now.

 

Did your ex contact you after you sent the letter?

 

You could try leaving it a few months until you feel more healed. If you still feel the need then, do it.

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I say if you want to get it off your chest, one of those people that if you don't and it will bug you beyond death. Make it very short, make a new e-mail, random password then you won't be able to log on to read anything if he writes back!

 

He dont have email so i will have to snail mail it and it's quite long - several pages long.

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you know... first i'd say don't send it, but then what the heck... if it makes you feel better send it.

 

but the important think is you can't send it with expectations... that's where the hurt will come... if you are sending with hopes he'll return something, then i'd say not... if you are sending it wanting to get something off your chest, well then maybe...

 

i'd like to send only one thing to my exbf and that is you... but i won't... okay, i digress... sorry

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You could try leaving it a few months until you feel more healed. If you still feel the need then, do it.

 

I am with you on this one...Hopefully in a few months i wont feel the need to send it. I dont know why though i just feel like there are so many "loose threads" that need to be tied from this relationship to be able to get on with my life - feels weird actually.

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you know... first i'd say don't send it, but then what the heck... if it makes you feel better send it.

 

but the important think is you can't send it with expectations... that's where the hurt will come... if you are sending with hopes he'll return something, then i'd say not... if you are sending it wanting to get something off your chest, well then maybe...

 

i'd like to send only one thing to my exbf and that is fvck you... but i won't... okay, i digress... sorry

 

LOL @ wanting to send one thing to your ex.

 

From the very bottom of my heart i am not sending this letter with any expectations - i do not want anything in return. More than anything i DONT want him to contact me. But just want him to know everything i've written in the letter.

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Thanks for the advice. I think i will hold out for a little longer. It's been 83 days of NC for me and since we broke up

 

Well done on the NC, its hard, i've been in your situation as well

but I wouldnt send it yet because you'd be sad you'd broken NC

 

does he REALLY need to know these things..if the answers still yes in a few months then do it.

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Closure comes from within not from ANYTHING external includign a letter.

 

To be honest the thought of a very personal letter to someone I once loved hanging around and over me in the years to come would really bother me.

 

What if you have forgotten something or think that you shouldnt have said this or that or he might have taken something the wrong way? What then? This can cause YOU more anxiety and damage than you know so I would recommend not sendng it.

 

In a few months you might bump into him and your feeling will have changed so much by then that you will feel like curling up and dying at the thought of that letter so I would recommend not sending it..

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Closure comes from within not from ANYTHING external includign a letter.

 

To be honest the thought of a very personal letter to someone I once loved hanging around and over me in the years to come would really bother me.

 

What if you have forgotten something or think that you shouldnt have said this or that or he might have taken something the wrong way? What then? This can cause YOU more anxiety and damage than you know so I would recommend not sendng it.

 

In a few months you might bump into him and your feeling will have changed so much by then that you will feel like curling up and dying at the thought of that letter so I would recommend not sending it..

 

I like that!! It's like calling and wanting them to call back and they don't... and you call back and they still don't call... like wanting a fix.

 

You're right... a letter could do the same thing... you think "oh crap, I should have said this or said that".... ultimately leaving you with anxiety and most importantly...

 

KEEPING YOU TIED TO THE EX, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

 

Not sure about anyone else... sorry to hijack littlestar... but I want to UNTIE myself from the abadoning bastard...

 

you're right pushy... I like your post... I'm going to retain it for future use

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I've tried to gain closure from within and i feel it hasnt come. I've thought long and hard and strongly feel closure from this letter.

I guess we're all different and require different things to move on. There's no right or wrong, simply different!

 

but you know... is it closure or is it contact?

 

it might just make you feel worse... if he doesn't reply. are you sure it's about close and not wanting contact.

 

i know how bad it feels... honestly i do. i have written letters to my ex, but email them to myself. have you tried that... writing them to yourself first.

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but you know... is it closure or is it contact?

 

it might just make you feel worse... if he doesn't reply. are you sure it's about close and not wanting contact.

 

i know how bad it feels... honestly i do. i have written letters to my ex, but email them to myself. have you tried that... writing them to yourself first.

 

It's not about contact. It's about getting things off my chest and letting him know things i want him to know. Our break up was very sudden.

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It's not about contact. It's about getting things off my chest and letting him know things i want him to know. Our break up was very sudden.

 

I know littlestar... mine was sudden too... and I feel like you, no closure.

 

but the thing that helps me is that he isn't contacting me... so why do I want to bother to write him... he doesn't deserve my thoughts or my writings... that's how I feel.

 

I am sad that he is done... and I allow myself the sadness... and I can post on here to get it out... but I will never write him or call him. I will never give him the pleasure of knowing I'm thinking about him after how he walked on. That is not cool what he did... and by writing him... somehow feels to me like I'm letting him off the hook... and I just won't do that.

 

Just be careful with the writing... it could backfire... NC is always the safest... not the easiest, but it guarantees no return of the strong emotions and it guarantees us not putting ourselves out there again to be hurt. We have to protect ourselves... we "are" the only ones we have got.

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I think it depends. If you hear no response or acknowledgment from him, how will you feel?

 

If you can honestly send it knowing you don't care if he ignores it and does not respond and it's sole purpose is closure, go ahead. If deep down you are hoping it will open a window for reconciliation, I would probably keep it to yourself.

 

Good luck with what you decide.

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I agree with you there. I just dont know what to do. I feel i need closure. I feel i need him to know the things i want to say to him. I think it's more for my own good than his.

 

you know babe... it's about feeling the pain... that's what it's about. you just gotta feel the pain and loss and then let it go.

 

i'm not sure an email is going to bring closure... in fact, it might make you feel worse. bringing tied ends untied... do you want that?... after so many days of NC.

 

send the letter to me instead talk to us, get it out... PM me all you want.

 

it's painful I know... i feel it everday in my gut. but when you accept the pain and quit fighting it is when you begin to heal. when you accept the pain and let yourself live, despite the pain, is when you begin to heal... i think.

 

have you heard of the book "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson... it's really good!! It helped me alot... just in the first chapter... how she talks about the differerent stages of the healing... maybe you should check it out.

 

I just worry about the letter... that it will set you back. Gosh I never thought calling my exbf on Thanksgiving would be so episodic for me... it was awful. I never want to go through that again... putting myself out there for him... only to be rejected again.

 

Just be careful okay. You have come so far... you are doing so good... I think write the email and send it to yourself over and over and over... and see if that helps first.

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littlestar... I am heading off to bed.. but I just want you to know that I'm thinking of you... and I understand how much it hurts, I do.

 

I hope you don't feel discouraged by your post... I think people want the best for you... and most think it's not a good idea to send the email

 

I'm sure we all feel what you feel... or have felt what you are feeling... and I think this board is kind... and I hope you are doing okay... despite most of us going against the email. I think we have just been there... being rejected more than once, and it hurts. We don't need to keep putting ourselves out there to get rejected again and again. We do have control over that.

 

Just take care of yourself okay... life is full of so many good things... and just because one person's opinion of you doesn't match what you think about yourself or how you see yourself... doesn't make you anything other than who you truly are. Their opinion is simpy that... their opinion... that's all.

 

So hang in there okay... I'm here for you and this board is here for you... and you can get through this... one day at a time.

 

PM me if you need to okay. I know what you are going through... I do, and it will be okay.

 

Goodnight... see you tomorrow!

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I sent my ex a letter of closure. It was my way of breaking up with him (he broke up with me). I basically told him the good, the bad, what I hoped for our futures (but, not together. I told him that I plan on doing X and I hoped he did X,Y, and Z). I also told him that I forgave him.

 

I felt a lot better after that. But, you have to realize that by sending this, you need to have no hope of getting back together in the back of your mind. Don't even expect a response. I got a very nice response that I still have in my inbox but don't let it hurt you if you don't get one.

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