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Stepmom wants to talk with Mom


HoneyLiving

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Hi everyone,

 

Here's my situation. My partner has been divorced for 4 years--and I've been dating him for two. We're getting married. Since early in our relationship, I've been really involved with his daughter. She's 10 now.

 

He lives a few blocks away from his ex. She avoids us both like the plague, especially me.

 

I feel like it's time to talk. I want to know what she wants for her daughter--my soon to be stepdaughter. I want to be able to support her hopes for her kid, to have some kind of unity. And to be on speaking terms.

 

I understand the need for good boundaries, but I'd also like to all be able to go to recitals and sports games together for my stepdaughter's sake.

 

I've been thinking about inviting Mom out for coffee--just to talk (we never have).

 

I'm okay with her saying 'no'--but I don't want to be pushy either.

 

Any biomoms out there with some advice?

 

Thanks!

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i'm not a biomom, but i am the parents of divorce, and i can say that i would have LOVED if my mom and my step mom would have been able to have this type of relationship! but, of course, my mom was much too jealous (understandably, i suppose) to have anything to do with the "other woman"

 

your intentions sound amazing and (assuming the dad is okay with it) i say it's worth a shot. i think, though, that she might be really hessitant if she doesn't know what you're looking for at this "coffee" meeting. i think if you invited her out, you should maybe briefly write something to her (very much like what you say above about wanting to support HER goals for her daughter) that's great! i think any mom's biggest fear is that the new woman is going to try to be a second mom or that they will try to take their kid's life in a diff. direction. if you put it out there right away that she is and always will be number 1 to you, then, i would hope she'd realize it would be in her daughter's best interest to talk with you. then again, don't be too surprised if she says no!

 

good luck to you. i really admire what you're trying to do here!

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As both a single mom and a semi-stepmom the only thing I want to do is confirm what you already said.It's important for all you to be in good relations with each other for the sake of the girl.

 

I'm hardly an expert,in fact I'm just learning too and facing lots of problems but I know that I'd want to know every person who has impact on my daughters life especially a stepmom.

 

I think inviting her for coffee is a good idea.Mind you that she probably does feel resentment towards you for having to 'share' her daughter.So you need to explain to her that her daughter is loyal to her and all you want is a friendly relationship for all involved.

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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