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Dating On-Line Versus Dating In Real Life


Malevolent

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I (know) think there might be something wrong with me. I'm 25 years old and I like dating on-line more than in real life. It's not that I'm horribly unattractive (if you can't tell by my *****in eye pic)XD, I just don't like all of the things/burdens involved with dating in real life.

 

A list of reasons why I prefer dating on-line:

 

To start, I don't like having to tell someone in real life where I'm going and what I'm doing everytime I decide to go hang out with friends. I've never had a real life boyfriend that didn't monitor my every move. It's so annoying and frustrating. With dating guys on-line, I can usually tell them after the fact and it won't bother them at all.

 

I don't like always having a bf tagging along when I hang out with friends.

 

I prefer long intellectually stimulating conversation to driving around trying to find something to do, or chilling out with your significant other in front of the tv or watching a movie.

 

When I get tired of hanging out with the guy, I can just get off the computer. I don't have to worry about him showing up at my house or calling me on the phone to talk for hours.

 

I don't have to get dressed to go out on dates.

 

I can use going to see him as an excuse to take a vacation. Yay vacations!

 

It will take MUCH longer for me to physically get tired of him because we won't see each other that often. thereforee, the sex will ALWAYS be good.

___

 

That's about it. Of course, there are the down sides too . . . like being paranoid about them cheating on you, and the occasional bout of lonliness where you just want to be held . . . or the bout of horniness where you just want to get laid but can't because they're hundreds of miles away.

 

Still, I can't help but think that it's bad for someone my age to think like this. I'm so picky about who I'll date it's not even funny. It seems almost easier to find someone on-line than in real life.

 

Any questions, comments, suggestions, or if you just want to add to my list, feel free. All responses are appreciated.

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Everything you say may be true for you but what you're doing isn't dating, in my opinion, it's typing and talking to at most an on line friend or penpal/chat buddy. To me there is no such thing as on line dating - you can meet people to date in person through on line sites of course, but that's not "on line dating". You are 100% right that if you're just typing and talking you don't have what you consider to be the downsides of an in person relationship (which I find to be a very negative, bitter view that you have) but you also miss out on the tremendous upsides of in person interaction and intimacy. To each her own.

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To start, I don't like having to tell someone in real life where I'm going and what I'm doing everytime I decide to go hang out with friends. I've never had a real life boyfriend that didn't monitor my every move. It's so annoying and frustrating.

 

I don't like always having a bf tagging along when I hang out with friends.

 

I don't have to worry about him showing up at my house or calling me on the phone to talk for hours.

 

I don't have to get dressed to go out on dates.

 

 

there are guys in real life who hate that too.

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What you're doing is all fine and great but I really think you are missing out on a real relationship. (No I am not saying that internet dating isn't a real relationship. However, what is the OP to do once the online boyfriend is ready to commit to be a real life boyfriend? Online daters meet people online and then work towards one day becoming real life partners).

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It is one thing to use online as a means to FIND a relationship..but it sounds to me like you are using online as a way to AVOID the responsibilities of a relationship. In other words, you are trying to take the easy way out and have a fantasy relationship. The purpose of online relationships should be to ultimately meet and form a face to face relationship with all the positives and negatives. If there is no intention of doing that...if having a face to face relationship is considered too much of a bother then your online relationship is just a fantasyland.

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It sounds to me like you're not ready for a real relationship, which is fine. But you need to think about the guys on the other end of this. What if they are looking for something real? What if they eventually want to close the distance gap and be in the same city? What if they want to commit? I bet a lot of these guys have hopes that the "relationship" will move in that direction and meanwhile you don't have that intention at all. If this is what you're going to do, I hope you realize that 1) it's not a realistic view of what a relationship is like and 2) you need to be upfront with guys about your intentions so that you don't string them along and hurt them.

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It sounds to me like you're not ready for a real relationship, which is fine. But you need to think about the guys on the other end of this. What if they are looking for something real? What if they eventually want to close the distance gap and be in the same city? What if they want to commit? I bet a lot of these guys have hopes that the "relationship" will move in that direction and meanwhile you don't have that intention at all. If this is what you're going to do, I hope you realize that 1) it's not a realistic view of what a relationship is like and 2) you need to be upfront with guys about your intentions so that you don't string them along and hurt them.

 

I totally agree with this. I will also add, weren't you (the OP) the same person who created a fake life on the internet and pretended to be someone you are not? It sounds to me that you have a lot of issues that you need to deal with. You are not living a life grounded in reality and I have to wonder why you feel the need to escape into all this fantasy toying with people like that. Are you really malevolent like your screenname, do you have emotional issues from growing up etc. You are not living a very healthy life and it sounds like your whole life might be one big act. It can't be a very happy and fulfilling life to not have any kind of solid identity.

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lol I see how you all are getting the wrong idea. I do like things to eventually progress to real life. But for starters, it's nice to have the distance while you get to know someone better. The point in all relationships is to eventually fall in love and want to be with each other. I guess I'd rather fall in love on-line before bringing things into real life perspective.

 

My problem with real life relationships is that they often move way too fast. You meet someone, hang out with them a few times, and then end up having sex with them before you know what your true feelings really are. I'd rather take things slow, and it's easier for me to do that on-line.

 

It should be obvious by that list that I get smothered incredibly easily, which makes it hard for me to date in real life anyways. Maybe I just wasn't designed to date.

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You don't have to go at a pace that you are uncomfortable with. You aren't obligated to have sex after a certain number of dates. If you explain to a guy that you want to take it slow and he doesn't understand, then he's not the right one for you. Not all guys want to take it real fast. But by only starting dating online, you are first of all limiting yourself. Second of all, it's not just living in reality. You cannot truly get to know someone but occasionally seeing them. You need to spend face to face time with someone to know you want to commit.

 

Have you had bad relationships in the past that make you want to protect yourself so badly?

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I totally agree with this. I will also add, weren't you (the OP) the same person who created a fake life on the internet and pretended to be someone you are not? It sounds to me that you have a lot of issues that you need to deal with. You are not living a life grounded in reality and I have to wonder why you feel the need to escape into all this fantasy toying with people like that. Are you really malevolent like your screenname, do you have emotional issues from growing up etc. You are not living a very healthy life and it sounds like your whole life might be one big act. It can't be a very happy and fulfilling life to not have any kind of solid identity.

 

 

Yeah, I am that same person. And I am being the real person here, which is why I'm coming accross as so mentally and emotionally screwed up. As I mentioned in that first post, I'm getting advice on one issue at a time . . . and unfortunately there are still a few more that I'll probably be posting in the next few days. I think my issue is that . . . I generally don't like meeting new people in real life. Idk if it comes from a fear, stems from my childhood, or what. My best friend in real life is the exact same way (minus the being fake on-line), except that it's ten times harder to get her to venture out into the real world.

 

I am incredibly bitter. If you met me in real life, you'd probably pick up on it within the first few minutes of knowing me. I still haven't figured out why I'm this way. It seems that I work hard to be a complete * * * * * * * . It's kind of odd when you don't even understand yourself.

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Have you had bad relationships in the past that make you want to protect yourself so badly?

 

No, and oddly I tend to attract some of the sweetest, but unfortunately also the clingiest guys in the world. I've been blessed with having a few great relationships.

 

I'm honestly getting to the point where I think I'm not meant to be with anyone. My standards are so incredibly high. And even when I am in a good solid relationship, I tend to get bored and annoyed with the person I'm with and want to move on.

 

I haven't really dated anyone in real life for about 3 years, mainly because I haven't wanted to. Lately I've been feeling lonely, but I just don't want to put in the time and effort it would take to make a real relationship work.

 

It sounds from all the advice that you guys have been giving me, that I need to work out my personal issues before I even think about dating someone. I've known that for a while . . . which is why I haven't wanted to date at all. I guess I still have some time to go before I'll be ready.

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Maybe it is time for you to learn to understand yourself so that you cease the self-destructive behviours.

 

I'm trying to understand myself, but it's hard when I don't see any real solutions.

 

I know one of my biggest problems, with the being fake issue, is that I'm not happy about my gender. I see life as so much easier for guys. I can't change my gender. And oddly, I'm not a lesbian. It's hard to identify with something like that. I don't think I'm unattractive, though like most women, I have issues with my weight. I don't think that really hinders me having a normal real social life. I absolutely hate socializing with groups of people I don't know in real life. When I go to parties I completely clam up. Though I do great meeting new people one on one. I like going out, but my group of friends are heavy drinkers and they don't do anything that doesn't involve alcohol. I'm working on getting over being an alcoholic . . . so I just don't go out now, since there seems like no other options for social activity. I know that between having * * * * ty will power and being peir pressured, I'd end up drinking if I went out with them. So, I know the solution sounds like that I need new friends. But I rarely let anyone get close to me, so making new friends is easier said than done. Like I said, I need more repairs than a car that's been hit by a train and tossed into a river. Fixing them all seems near impossible at this point.

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A lot of real life relationships don't work like that.

 

I've never had sex with a guy I was dating before 3-12 months have passed (depending on the relationship). And if things were not very good between us, I won't move the relationship to the physical level at all.

 

Mal, I can understand. I have felt the same way at times in my life. Before the Internet existed, I created a fantasy life and relationship that I wrote about in a "book" I created. It's like 6 notebooks long, and I still have it somewhere. It was all rooted in various fears I had but couldn't deal with (not saying it's the same for you!)

 

I had horribly low self-esteem, still battle that when it comes to dating actually; I had been so disconnected from normal human social relationships that I literally had no idea how to handle dating. (I had moved constantly all my childhood). I disliked the whole thing because all I knew how to do was respond to the guy's guidance. Went where he wanted to, accepted dates when asked, etc. I had to go out and get my own life and sense of self together before I was ready for a relationship. I was 28 before I started dating for REAL, and my level of immaturity in that area is reflected by the fact that I was dating a 20 year old. I really was immature enough at the start of things that we were a good match - I was intimidated as heck by older guys or guys my own age.

 

Over time, I gained confidence and control, and have mostly dated guys 10 years older than me since then. I actually would prefer to date guys my own age, but that's a whole other discussion

 

If online works for you now, just be honest with the other person and do what feels right until you are ready to move on to the next step. Just be sure you do move on at some point, or you might find yourself starting to build irrational mental blocks and never be able to get past this stage.

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Thanks again, COtuner, you give great advice.

 

Ironnically enough, my whole being fake situation started with pretend playing when I was a child, and then writing a book to keep it going in my head. The fake personas started probably around the time I was 7 years old. I remember the first thing that triggered it. I was playing pretend with my best friend . . . and we decided that someone needed to play the part of the guy in our make believe game. After that one time . . . I ended up playing a guy in all of our pretend games. We played those games from the time we were 7 all the way up to 15 years old. It became pretty real for me, and I actually ended up falling in love with my best friend. Whenever we played, her vision was equally skewed. She didn't see me as me, but saw me as this other person. She was in love with this fake person as well. I started writing a book about my alter life when I was 13. There was a big fall out and she stopped talking to me when I was 15, which also ended the writing that I had been doing. I learned to be myself between the ages of 16-21. At 16 I was much more sociable and excited about meeting new friends and experiencing new things. Giving up the alternate persona wasn't such a big issue. I picked up the old persona when I was 21, bored with my marriage, and happened to stumble into a chat room where I was readily accepted. I've had a split persona ever since, though it's change onec. I'm 25 now. That is a lot of damage to undo.

 

I thought about getting into writing again. I used to love writing and have written several novels. But, I have a feeling that at this point it would be the same as trying to find a different way to escape reality. My main character is ALWAYS male. I was wondering if this would be a healthy solution . . . but I think you've opened my eyes to see that it probably wouldn't be.

 

It's not that I don't have a real life at all. I do have a real life. I just don't have many friends, and the friends that I do have are all every bit as mentally messed up as me, but in different ways.

 

I wish I was more eager to go out and make new friends again, but that's not the case. And honestly, back then when I was younger, all of the friends I made were fair weather, which I think is what makes me a bit apprehensive now. I know that I can't have guy friends. I've never had one that didn't fall in love with me. And it's really hard for me to relate to girls, possibly because I've played the part of a guy for so long.

 

I really appreciate everyone that has responded with guidance and advice. I joined this site to feel "not alone", and though I still do feel pretty much alone in my strange circumstances, I've at least found better advice, more support, and guidance than I've ever found going to a psychiatrist. I appreciate it with all of my heart. Thanks guys.

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Sometimes working through these issues is too much to do on our own. I think it would help you to find a therapist to work through it together. A therapist will have a different insight and the tools to teach to to help yourself. If you really want to try to get through all this, it's going to take a change since what you've been doing in the past isn't helping.

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Well then you haven't found a good one. It can take awhile to find someone that you really click with. Just like every other profession, not everyone is good at their job. It takes hunting sometimes to find someone you can feel will help you. But I do think that what you are going through is too much to deal with on your own.

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It might be too much to deal with on my own. But I'd rather deal with it on my own than to over pay someone that I can't trust to help me. I do believe that psychiatrists can help some people. But I KNOW that they can't help me. I'll find other avenues of working this problem out. It's already been almost a month. And though sometimes I feel the need to go back to that way of living, I know now that I can't. I think that I'm finally out of it for good. Now it's just healing the damage that it has caused to me, which I'm sure will happen with time, patience, and willpower.

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Malevolent just in reading your post it seems as if you may just have a social phobia.

I feel a lot of the same things you do at times, and it really IS frustrating to feel this way. I also hate meeting people in new social situations. It always seems like the same old act..over and over again. I also think being an alcoholic tends to turn you into a recluse. I had a relative who was a big alcoholic, and they were rarely seen outside of the house...when they were they seemed as if they absolutely hated being there....so this does sound like a big root of your problem.

 

Personally I see nothing wrong with your reasons for preferring to date online..so as long as it works for YOU.

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