why oh why is she lying

[jahur]

yes, im a newbie and im finding this site an enourmous help, great , i walked out on my ex and now she wont even talk to save getting my stuff out of the flat, she wont reply to anything, what is she thinking? she used to be my best mate, we would go fishing,camping walking everthing together, and now the string has been cut, she wants no contact whatsoever, she even told me that she is with someone from a very very very very very very long time ago, its been 3 weeks now, and she also told me in the next breath that he will be moving in! is this possible so soon????? sorrry if hijacked the post ia m desperate to clear any confusion up and im hurting like a b'stard. i feel that the bed isnt even cold and when she told me 2and a half weeks ago i was more hurt about the time span of me actually leaving and her shacking up! if she is with another guy then ok thats fine, but 2 and a half weeks........ ouch that hurts. we were together for a very tight 1 and bit year. am i wise to not contact her, until im ready to remove my possessions?

jahur of the uk!

can anyone shed light on this please.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Why did you leave her? You broke up with her so why are you upset about her ignoring you...she is trying to move on with her life. If you dumped her then in her mind you don't care about her so she is walking away from you just like you walked away from her.

[mickie]

Wow! Maybe she just feels so bad you left and she wants your presense in her life and that is why she knows that you should move your things from the flat but she doesn't want to you to. I think she is trying to make you feel jealous. Just contact her when you are ready to move your possessions. Sorry man.

[Love_Music]

i walked out on my ex and now she wont even talk to save getting my stuff out of the flat

 

That's probably a reason why she won't talk to you other then getting back your stuff. How do you know she wasn't hurting because you left? You can't leave a person and expect it to still be the same, most of the time it just won't work. Someone will end up getting their feelings hurt even more.

 

she even told me that she is with someone from a very very very very very very long time ago, its been 3 weeks now, and she also told me in the next breath that he will be moving in!

 

Maybe she told you this to hurt you because you hurt her.

 

Why did she even tell you this?

 

 

sorrry if hijacked the post ia m desperate to clear any confusion up and im hurting like a b'stard

 

You don't have to apologize man, that's what this site is here for. You can post a thousand times a day if you need to. People will listen and try to help you.

 

i was more hurt about the time span of me actually leaving and her shacking up!

 

I know how you feel, but in all reality there is nothing you can do about it. I know how tough it can be, been there, done that. The best thing to do is to get rid of things that remind you of her(pictures on desk, cards, drawings, letters, ect.) and put them away somewhere out of sight. I say put them away because I can tell by your post that you are not ready to throw those types of things in the trash.

 

If I were you, I would only contact her to set up a date where you can pick up your things. I would also bring a friend along so that way you can get done faster, and it would make it harder to stick around longer then needed.

 

Good luck, and let us know what happens.

[catfeeder]

I'd focus on getting my possessions first, healing later. If she won't respond, you can file something with your local police that will permit you to retrieve your stuff. Use that avenue quickly if necessary.

 

There will be plenty of time for healing after you've removed your property. Time and distance are the biggest and best healers that exist, and not only for you. If the woman is that impulsive, her actions could blow up in her face. You'll want to be as far away as possible if that happens, because it will keep you in best light by contrast.

 

It will also give you time to reconcile whether you actually still believe you'd ever want her back after this. Sure, the hardest kind of breakup is when there's someone else involved, but the good news is that most of us have suffered such a blow, and you really can come out the other side with a renewed confidence in the break--and yourself.

 

Head high.

[jahur]

yeeeeeeeesh a plethora of responses, many thanks for taking your time to respond,

 

ok here is the upshot of why where and hows. the gf has a lot of mental health issues, depression etc, she left her husband of 18 years with the 5 children, she never ever forgave herself for that, i used to sit with her for days a time consoling her hurt

it was never a problem, ever!!!

 

her step father used to beat her senseless whilst her mother looked on (when child) so you can see the general pic. now she had never ever been anywhere or done anything remotley as exotic as fishing, let alone going for 10 mile walks with me.

 

this made her a very happy bunny indeed. anyhow the chinks started to appear 3 months in when she came bursting into the bedroom and confronted me about an e-mail she found on my phone that was at least a year old (way before her) it wasnt sleazy it was just a "hi babe see you soon" to a lady i had worked with and had known for years. that was it from there on in i got nothing but serious and scary jazz coming from her, the ironic thing is she is a f grade mental health nurse!!!

 

i forged a very stong relationship with her kids endured absolute hell from her mad mother, her eldest son who lied like you wouldnt believe, her youngest son with learning difficulties it goes on, now she never left her husband for me, i came about a year later, but i think it was a year to soon. now in the present 1 year and 3 months to be exact i kept finding blood everywhere, i thought she was menustrating uncontrollably, it wasnt, she was blood letting, yes a scary thing! i stood in there!

 

i am a photo-journalist, and the essential kit is a camera, of course, i went to shoot a wedding 2 minutes before the groom arrived i had discovered it had been sabbotaged, by her!!! luckily i have a few friends in the game who came to the rescue, can you start to see the last straw fast approaching, i never ever did any dirty on her or was unfaithfull, she viewed my life, through her glasses! not a good thing. she told me to pack my stuff one day (the 23rd time) and get out before she got back from work, fine i said, so i did, she came back saw all had been promptly removed and went ape s^&%t, she stormed into the bedroom got dolled up and went out!

 

4 hours later she came back paraletic drunk, it turned out she went out with the chef from work got drunk in a pub and he the * * * * e let her drive home knowing full well of her state, i then find out that his name was sarah on her phone and all she wanted him was to be a friend, yeah right i found 2voice messages on her phone of him plying his undying love for her!

 

i pointed out the obvious and she was really upset she had been let down by a friend!! somebody tell her to smell the coffee!!! cut a very long story short, i had a conversationon the phone(last resort) with her the other day, 3 to be precise, to ask her to (she wouldnt respond to e-mail or txt) forward my mail to my other brother and not my younger one, out of playing the bigger person, which was bloody hard, i asked if alls well on the love front all i got was a very even toned none of your business, i said ok fine just making conversation, and in the next breath she said "if its what you want to hear then, yes i am" i nearly fell over, i said oh well saying that if you are lying then you have most certainly thrown a cloud of doubt over anything now, even if you wanted me back, i can never go back as a rule its never the same to again the magic just goes, but i dont expect her to hang about either, as i said i was quite shocked it has happened so soon (if true) but prior to this occurring right up until i left i tried to hang in there and all i got was crap, we shared a car, 1 hour before a job she would take the keys and wouldnt give me them for stupid reasons etc etc, i hope this helps any of you seasoned posters and i cannot thank you enough for reading this, for the record i had a crap past with upbringing aswell but i have learned to cope with it

in a big way.

 

both parents of mine died before i was 22 now 37 i battled with cocaine for ten years (functional) been clean for 3 years and had a crap 12 year marriage. so life wasnt rosy for me, and thinking i could of helped my ex in a similar way would havw been a rewarding task but it didnt quite work out that way, i miss her friendship alot it wasnt all bad but i didnt expect it to go this far, at most i would pack my effects and get a call 2 hours later you see, its hard when you love someone with great profanity, but NC i think maybe to a degree is best all round. any better ideas, i was short on my first posting, not sure being a newbie i would get any response.

 

 

 

jahur of the uk!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well, it sounds to me like there was way too much drama. It also sounds like you went into that relationships for the wrong reasons...to fix her. She is a mess and i wouldn't waste time trying to figure out why she is lying...that's just the nature of her personality. She is not happy and at peace with herself. Let it go and be grateful you are out of that situation.

[jahur]

the need to take her under my wing became more apparent further on in the relationship,i just didnt want to bail out at the first hint of trouble, most would of i dont, i needed help once and no one was there for me.

its not what i set out to do, but many thanks for replying. and your right ive just got to ride the pain. but any other ideas are welcome,

[catfeeder]

You think that all of this 'stuff' about her is important right now. It isn't.

 

Building yourself a healthy life from which you might meet her or someone else with confidence one day on higher ground--that's the only thing to focus on right now.

 

Her problems are hers alone, and yours are yours. Deal with yours, one step at a time--one healthy meal, one workout, one therapy session, one meditation class, one day at work... You'll get stronger and better all the time if you'll direct your focus to that goal.

 

If you ever see this person again or someone else in the future, you'll want to be in a place from which you can manage it best. Go there.

 

In your corner.

[jahur]

ok, thats a nice sedate way of putting it, but why would she lie if she was liyng at all,

its the thought of her sticking two fingers up at all we tried to work at, it just seems that it was not worthwhile in her eyes, by doing what she professess to have done!

if true at all

[catfeeder]

ok, thats a nice sedate way of putting it, but why would she lie if she was liyng at all,

its the thought of her sticking two fingers up at all we tried to work at, it just seems that it was not worthwhile in her eyes, by doing what she professess to have done!

if true at all

 

Once you pipe down and stop trying to see answers 'right now', all your answers will become apparent to you. When your grip is too tight, you can't see things--so staaaap.

 

Put your focus where it needs to be, and the rest will follow.

[auburnslp]

I'll be really quick and to the point...

 

Stay clean. You are to be commended and I am impressed with your turning your life around and getting off drugs.

 

Now-walk away from this girl. You need stability, not insanity and drama in your life. Take a look around and thank God that it ended, because nothing good was going to come from a relationship with that girl. There will be more, finer loves coming your way.

 

Good luck. I wish the best for you.

[jahur]

wow you americans certainly know how to put it, many thanks.

[auburnslp]

You're very welcome-listen-my brother is a recovering addict, and I have watched him and helped him in every way I can-so I know a few things about it. He is still drawn to the craziness of the life...and even without the drugs, he seems to be drawn to people and situations that are not good for him-it's almost as if by going there, he can find an outlet, and even possibly, deep down subconsciously, a reason to feel that life is out of control for him, that the sober life is not working, so maybe it's all a subconscious effort to find a reason to get back to drugs with the excuse that he just can't do it anymore, staying clean is too hard, with all this other stuff going on. I have seen this in him, and currently he is on one of these stretches...

 

But, then for a good long time, he was focused. Had such a great girl, stable, fun, lovely, responsible. Had a decent job, was training and fighting in MMA...crazy I know but, it worked for him. And that was the time when he was at his best. But the pull is still there apparently, to go seek out things and people that are not good for him, that bring stress and drama and pain and concern into his life.

 

So, possibly, take a look at this and reach deep down and ask if maybe you don't have the same things going on, with your attraction to an extremely unstable and, in my opinion, dangerous girl...

 

I will give you the same advice I have given many times to my brother, and by the way, despite all he has done and put my parents through, I love him very much.

 

Get away from people that are sinking...they will grab hold, not let go, and take you down with them.

 

Stay away from instability-you have had plenty of that already in your life-why go seek more???

 

Get and stay focused on a goal-whether it's work, school, whatever, as long as it is a productive endeavour...

 

And finally, stay completely focused on the ultimate goal, which is staying clean.

 

If you do these things, you will be able to turn your back and walk away from this poisonous person, you won't look back, and you will be very happy that you did so, in a very small amount of time.

 

Good luck...

[catfeeder]

[...]

Get away from people that are sinking...they will grab hold, not let go, and take you down with them.

 

Stay away from instability-you have had plenty of that already in your life-why go seek more???

[...]

 

I second this, and if you think it sounds cold, don't fool yourself. That's how weak people rationalize never becoming strong--they don't want to leave anybody else behind.

 

That's bull. You can't fix other people even on a good day, and when you're not the strongest you can be yourself, you only see 'helping' in a distorted way.

 

When you are actually strong, you'll have clarity about what is actually 'helpful' to other people versus what feeds your own desire to get down with them.

 

Until you own that clarity, you have no business tampering with others' lives. You can't see that you're only pouring kerosene on their fire while complaining you don't want drama.

 

I hope you'll consider reaching out to people you admire for their sobriety. Let them demonstrate for you what real help means. Right now, you need that for your SELF--and don't worry, you'll have plenty of opportunities to pay it forward once you land on solid ground.

 

Best wishes.

[jahur]

many many thanks, i took to spiritualism, and found god, now i know it sounds a tad cliched, but its true, your brother was very fortunate to have someone to help him.

i never, until i found faith, now being a typical BRIT i wasnt very, well lets say into god.

but i swallow my words with humility! but the road i had chosen to go down was a massive test to my self control to what was being endured, with this ex of mine. i could have easily tipped the balance, but i remained strong and now are more stronger than ever,

drugs will not be a factor in my life anymore, crumbs i used to have the "pull" but not anymore i just remember back to what i had lost and the feelings of guilt and feeling rotten the next day, getting all paranoid and feeling very very insecure. i will take your pearls of wisdom with me as it was wisdom and faith that helped me.

 

cheers mate

 

jason

 

-can i just ask, catfeeder are you a counsellor? you seem to vibrate to me this! auburnslp i know your a man of first hand experience.

[auburnslp]

I am thrilled to read that Jason. I am so happy you are remaining strong. It's so funny, but even though it may always be hard, you may always feel that "pull", if you stay focused and now begin to extend that focus to other areas of your life, you are going to be so strong, successful, happy...

 

My absolute best to you-and if you ever need a friend, for advice or support or just to share, just email me-pm me and I will gladly give you the address...

 

And I am glad you have found faith as well-there is strength there for sure. I learned that for myself about 7 years ago.

[auburnslp]

I wouldn't peg catfeeder as a counselor...a little too strong and upfront for that-I would just guess that catfeeder is a person with really good sense and good advice

[jahur]

yeah too true, and thankyou once again, i shall keep you all up to date with the dreaded removal of all my gear, stillm if anyone out there has their penneth then by all means post -hard nosed!!!

jason

[catfeeder]

I wouldn't peg catfeeder as a counselor...a little too strong and upfront for that-I would just guess that catfeeder is a person with really good sense and good advice

 

Thanks fellas. Jason, not a paid professional, just schooled and a volunteer with a county council on D&A abuse for about 12 years.

 

Auburnslp, your observations are on the money. Strong and upfront is the only approach I've seen deliver any success with addictive personalities. It's not about a substance--there are plenty of physically sober people who still do the self-destructive dance you described earlier. While hand holding can be a support to anyone in the right circumstances, nobody else will bust you on your BS unless they can see it. Well, people who know addicts can see it. Often we can see it in people long before or after they've actively abused drugs.

 

You know what? This isn't cynical, just true--nobody really needs to use a drug to distort reality and believe our own tales about it, we can do that all by ourselves.

 

My best,

Cat

[jahur]

cat u say auburn is a good observer your are and all, thats exactly right i have an addictive personality! wow wow wow! and i was on the understanding that text and font

have no tone, well observed to you all.

 

jason

[jahur]

can anyone advise me on something? im thinking about sending a xmas card to the ex and her children, is this a wise thing to do, although she wants no contact?

 

jahur of the uk!!

[Clabs]

Hi Jason

 

Well, if she has asked for no contact then I really wouldn't send a Christmas card because it will only stir things up. Give her what she has asked for.

 

Mark

[jahur]

thanks for that mate, do you reckon that by doing what shes asked for may make her turn around somewhat? or is this the coup de grace of the relationship?

 

jahur of the uk!!!

[Clabs]

Hi again Jason

 

Who knows what affect that will have on her, but you have to ask yourself why you would want to get back into what essentially was a real mess?

 

I would do what you have been doing, put a lid on this and walk away. I know it is hard if you still have some feelings there but you have done really well to come this far.

 

There will be much better and MUCH healthier relationships ahead of you. Get your head back on straight and let this one go - you really dodged a bullet here!

 

Mark