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The fear of moving on - scared to break up...


RyanD333

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I know this girl isn't right for me in the deepest parts of my soul. She's selfish, she's prudish, and she never puts anyone ahead of herself. I've worked so hard to help her, soothe her, help her through her divorce, and be there for her. I've met her family, I've took her on trips, I've always compromised.

 

Yet physically, I'm just not happy. As much as I give, I just never get anything in return. We've been together six months now, and the sex has dwindled down to a once a month thing. Even then, she seems wholly un-interested. I've never had any girl seem so indifferent about me before, and it's slowly eroding my self-confidence. She never touches me, because "its just the way I am, I'm not touchy-feely" she says. My friends have noticed I'm not my usual self, that I seem depressed or sullen.

 

I've tried to talk to her about it. I've told her I need her to try harder to be more physical, to be more sexual--yet it's only gotten worse.

 

But, I'm scared to lose her. I fell in love with her the first moments around her, and I still love her. She has so many good traits-she's smart, educated, well-rounded, and comes from a good family. We spend every day together--I've invested SO much in the relationship from both a time and financial aspect; our lives seem tied like shoelaces at this point. Shes asked me to move in with her--and I've stalled on the answer.

 

The other issues is I don't do well single. Perhaps I should talk to shrink or find the issue, but I get lonely fast, and I crave a relationship and togetherness. I don't like the idea of all this going to waste and having to start over, date, court, all of that all over again.

 

We have a huge trip planned to go to her family's house accross the country for ten days for christmas, so I hate to do anything before then. But each day that goes by it just feels like I'm drifting further from her, and she HAS to feel it too.

 

I don't know why she is so cold and prudish, but I have ideas. She was married once, and the marriage fell apart after one month--they waited until marraige to have sex, and she says he couldn't perform. She was never close to her father. She has mysterious hip pain that she says makes sex uncomfortable. She also says she can't orgasm from intercourse.

 

I really don't know what to do. I'm scared to lose her, yet it feels more and more like we just aren't physically compatible. I love her, yet I'm not happy. I know talking is the only way to make this work, but she gets very defensive and it never amounts to anything.

 

*sigh* Any ideas? Run for the hills?

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Letting go has never been easy, but holding on can be as difficult. Yet strength is measured not by holding on, but by letting go. -Len Santos

 

About her sex thing though, she hasn't let go that her marriage didn't stick, she waited till marriage, got screwed over with it, now she is all pissed off, regretting that and won't get over it. Well at least not for a while, she hasn't accepted it, hence her prudish behavior.

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When did you get into this relationship? How long after her divorce was it? Is she over the ex-husband? Do they still have contact?

 

Sounds to me like she's going through something. Bottomline though, if you're not happy, you need to break it off and move on. You can't wait around hoping something will change or expect her to change unless you both have been communicating and she knows that there's this issue and she's working on it. Even then, it's risky.

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We met last may. The divorce is ongoing, will be finalized in January from what I gather. They never talk, ever. They are pretty much enemies.

 

She despises him from what she says. She claims that he "snapped" at some point, and that his inability to perform in bed changed the dynamics of the relationship for the worst.

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I don't think you should move in with her.

 

If it has only been 6 months and you are feeling unhappy and the sex is bad and pretty much nonexistant, I don't think this relationship has what it takes to last. This is supposed to be the "honeymoon phase" for the 2 of you, yet it sounds pretty dull.

 

She has so many good traits-she's smart, educated, well-rounded, and comes from a good family

 

You could say the same about a sister, your mom, a grandmother, a nun.....etc. There does not seem to be passion in the way you speak of her. It seems that from what you posted here, the chemistry and compatibility are lacking. I don't hear a spark in what you write, especially when you mentioned:

 

I've invested SO much in the relationship from both a time and financial aspect

 

Sounds like it's time to move on, not move in.

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Is that your little doggie in the avatar? sooooooooooo cute...anyway I tell you from a woman's point of view if a man didn't want to have sex with me I would dump him..it will only get worse.

 

Sounds like your co-dependent...you will be alright...just move on!

 

Not my dog--I have a Border Collie who is just as cute--albeit a bit more hyper.

 

And yes, in some ways I have become a co-dependent. I've structured my life around her. =(

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Ugh. Sorry to say, but you're in a pretty bad position from my point of view. As long as she "hates" her husband, I don't think she's going to be capable of a deep committed relationship. It means he's still on her mind. Sounds like she has a lot of issues to work through and I'm not sure it's a good idea for you to stick around waiting for her to figure them out.

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Ugh. Sorry to say, but you're in a pretty bad position from my point of view. As long as she "hates" her husband, I don't think she's going to be capable of a deep committed relationship. It means he's still on her mind. Sounds like she has a lot of issues to work through and I'm not sure it's a good idea for you to stick around waiting for her to figure them out.

 

Does that not seems selfish though? Or do you think there comes a point you have to fend for yourself and take your losses? I do love her, and I want to help her, and I do enjoy her company.

 

Yet every night I go to bed unhappy, and sexually frustrated. There is ZERO oral sex from her, no kissing, no snuggling, nothing.

 

I can't believe she thinks thats normal?

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You don't build your life around someone, you build your own life separate from one that you share with your partner. You keep saying you want to help her. Help her with what? Trying to be happy with herself when she isn't? While it brings you down? Do you not care about how you feel?

 

I think she is just stringing you along until she finds better. I mean how do you break up with people if you can't let go of someone who is making you unhappy? Do you stay for pity until they break up with you? Do you not have any dignity or self respect left?

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You don't build your life around someone, you build your own life separate from one that you share with your partner. You keep saying you want to help her. Help her with what? Trying to be happy with herself when she isn't? While it brings you down? Do you not care about how you feel?

 

I think she is just stringing you along until she finds better. I mean how do you break up with people if you can't let go of someone who is making you unhappy? Do you stay for pity until they break up with you? Do you not have any dignity or self respect left?

 

The person you are describing is NOT me. That's the irony. I've never been broken up with, and I usually don't accept this type of behavior in relationships. And no, I don't think she is stringing me along, she has asked me to move in, wants me to travel accross the country and meet everyone she grew up, including her entire family. She in no way seems like she is looking for anyone else.

 

I think part of the issues is she's depressed. She just doesn't seem happy with herself, and I think her sex drive is indicative of that.

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This is what I see: She just wants to be with someone again. She may just want to commit already and settle down. She got married, her divorce isn't final, so now she is jumping on to the next guy (you) and your letting her. Your babying her, your not letting yourself have a word in this relationship and your not standing up for yourself. You can't sacrifice your own happiness for someone else.

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This is what I see: She just wants to be with someone again. She may just want to commit already and settle down. She got married, her divorce isn't final, so now she is jumping on to the next guy (you) and your letting her. Your babying her, your not letting yourself have a word in this relationship and your not standing up for yourself. You can't sacrifice your own happiness for someone else.

 

I agree with all of that. So what should I do?

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Have you tried having a real talk with her? You really can't reason with her though, she will only deny things. Her divorce isn't final and she wants to live with you? Planning a future? Uhm ya, she just wants someone to be there. I mean do you really see yourself with someone you only have sex with 1 a month, you don't kiss, snuggle etc?

 

Put it this way, you two are friends, you helped her through a rough patch, she is still stuck in it, but she isn't ready for a relationship. She isn't ready to be with someone, so you have to be the rational one here and step up. You need to see this for what it is and give her space. She is using you.

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Have you tried having a real talk with her? You really can't reason with her though, she will only deny things. Her divorce isn't final and she wants to live with you? Planning a future? Uhm ya, she just wants someone to be there. I mean do you really see yourself with someone you only have sex with 1 a month, you don't kiss, snuggle etc?

 

Put it this way, you two are friends, you helped her through a rough patch, she is still stuck in it, but she isn't ready for a relationship. She isn't ready to be with someone, so you have to be the rational one here and step up. You need to see this for what it is and give her space. She is using you.

 

So, should I back away, yet stay in the relationship? Give enough space to make her think, at least consider she's losing me?

 

Or just tell her I need time away, and end it. See what happens then? I just don't think talking will help--but then again I haven't really ever told her she's in jeopardy of losing me over this. Perhaps if she realizes it could be the end she'll open up about it?

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Best way? You say, "can we talk about something babe?" Not, "we need to talk," the second comes off bad.

 

You end it, then you tell her you need your time apart from her. I doubt she open up about it, maybe just manipulate you into staying or get all sad or try to guilt you in to staying and not making any differences. She has to want to change on her own, she has to want to be a better person and/or better gf to someone. But for now you can't change a person, you can't make someone be the way you want them to be. So you need to just be clear and say that it isn't working out.

 

If she asks for a reason "we just aren't compatible and I can't be in a relationship long term that's devoid of physicality."

 

I don't think telling her you want her to change, or telling your gf her flaws will help too much because she will try to put up a front about it for a while. It is almost like she honestly needs to realise it on her own.

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It sounds like some of the traits you describe about her would be hard to change.

 

Sexual compatability is a major, IMO.

 

I don't think any of us can tell you what is best for you, but it seems pretty clear that you should not move in with her, at least not at this point.

 

And in general it's far easier to cut your losses after 6 months. The more time that goes by, the more difficult leaving will be.

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It sounds like some of the traits you describe about her would be hard to change.

 

Sexual compatability is a major, IMO.

 

I don't think any of us can tell you what is best for you, but it seems pretty clear that you should not move in with her, at least not at this point.

 

You are right. When she asked me, I think she thought I would jump at the chance. It's been a month since she's asked, and I haven't brought it back up. She HAS to wonder what's holding me back....right?

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Don't over run your mind with what she is thinking, or if she is thinking what is holding you back etc. She honestly sounds too self centered to really care and just assume it'll happen.

 

Easier said than done, I'm a huge over-analyzer.

 

This just sucks. When we aren't doing well or I feel like we are at odds, I get this weird feeling in my gut, a feeling I've never had before in any relationship.

 

I really, really love this girl

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So, I talked to her about it. I told her that she was in jeopardy of losing me if she didn't try to be more physical/loving. She of course got very defensive and lashed back, the things she said were not only ridiculous but comical.

 

-She said she has ZERO sex drive since she went off the depo shot.

 

-She says she needs to be "romanced" and "woooo'd" since her sex drive is gone

 

-She says I don't last long enough in bed to get her off, yet I reminded her that when I hold it she complains about "getting sore." If I go too long she complains. She got really quiet when I reminded her of that. I told her to tell me what she likes and I'd do it. Of course she won't

 

-She said she feels like a "receptacle" at times! This was the funniest one, as I do EVERYTHING for this girl and we've had sex ONCE in SIX WEEKS! I could understand this if she was my bootycall who I treated like crap and screwed three times a day, but this is just crazy. This particular comment just almost makes me want to end it and laugh.

 

-I told her i needed more affection. She said so "basically you want more random touching?" Who the HELL calls affection random touching? Are you kidding me?

 

-She says I pressure her for sex. I bring it up or try for it ONCE A WEEK!

 

the list goes on and on, by the end of it, she said she would try harder and didn't want to lose me.

 

After this talk and those things she said, it's become apparent she's just downright cold, unemotional, and impassionate.

 

What do you guys make of these remarks?

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After this talk and those things she said, it's become apparent she's just downright cold, unemotional, and impassionate.

 

What do you guys make of these remarks?

 

I think it is very clear now that the 2 of you are not sexually compatible. If it has only been 6 months and you are facing these major conflicts, I don't see this relationship lasting- (at least not if you are to be happy)

 

I think you need to cut your losses and move on.

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her statements are contradicting eachother, first its her sex drive or lack therof, next its your stamina in bed, now she feels like a sex toy for you? even though you rarely bring it up. she is grasping at straws, i honestly just dont think she is much of a sexual person but you already know this.

 

she may try to temporarily to improve things but i doubt this will be a long term thing, it probably will be more like an obligation for her judging from her lack of interest.

 

i think this could backfire on you, if she did make some improvement you might wonder if she is doing this because she genuinely wants to? or only because you want/asked for it.

 

hate to be negative but i dont see this going the distance, i think may you feel this as well but are scared to face it.

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