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so today is free office buffet day. free food... yum!

 

ate myself silly. i can't help but to think about her. everybody's advice is to not give a f***. i can't do that. i'm still in love with her. i keep waking up with cold sweats. trembling or shaking as i wake up. praying to god is my last and first thought each time. praying to get over this. praying to find comfort. i just want to feel normal again.

 

i feel so hurt. so much pain in my heart still lingers. pretending to be okay on the outside and breaking down on the inside. crying my eyes out almost every day. finding ways to cope. reading every little tid bit of information i can find on how to heal. not knowing anything. other than to keep carrying on, but i still find myself singing the same old song.

 

i feel so low right now. not an ounce of self confidence. getting dumped for somebody less physically attractive, the guy looks like a total loser. he may be the best guy in the world, but i keep comparing myself to him and i know nothing about him. this isn't healthy. he isn't better than me in any way, i keep telling myself that. he's just different and he is more compatible with her than i am. i'm trying to hold myself together as best as i can.

 

i guess rejection is a part of life and i need to deal with this. tired of being hurt. tired of playing the victim here. trying to reclaim the throne. maybe i should just drink and party. i need to learn how to have fun. not to be afraid of life and rejection. it happens to everybody and i need to not let this phase me.

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i was so angry yesterday. had to go to the gym. had to scream it out. this pent up anger and rage consumes me.

 

i spoke to a friend and he calmed me down. it's been over a month of strict NC. i have no new information of her life. i am dealing with the past hurt and still not in the clear. i don't see the light yet. i'm hanging on to each day as if it were my last. trying to not lose myself. to hang on and embrace these feelings. it's hard doing this alone. still ticked off from yesterday.

 

writing here to release my pent up emotions. this is an emotionally draining battle. i can hardly keep any food down. forcing myself to eat. to survive. i will not let her best me. i will turn the other cheek on this one and bite the bullet. a life lesson learned about my kindness and caring nature. i think i shall change. change for the better. more self confidence and brimming with happiness. not this current guy who wears a fake smile.

 

back and forth i go, into this journey of hell. self torture is always fun. picking at myself. having this self defeating mentality. sick and tired of this. i've experienced enough lows in my life, i will force myself to experience the better avenues of life. i need to calm down once again, haha.

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Ah, I see these vicious cycles affect us all. Even myself, although what have you been doing to try and feel better about yourself? You hit the gym, that's good, I'm working out too. I know personally how hard it is to keep in a positive mind set, it will stay for a split moment and get ripped away.

 

Do you have friends? I hung out with an old friend last night, and it helped a lot. This can also lead to meeting more people if you go out and do things with 'em since going alone is hard to do for me right now.

 

I realized that while I was in this 2 year relationship, I had lost myself. I was just her man. My mother said "well what did you really have in common with her?" True we liked some of the same things, ideals, some music and movies. But what did we have in common and what did we click with? An idea. I believe. I had lost myself, I was at a point where I couldn't even connect with music that used to impact me in the deepest ways.

 

That is a horrible thing to realize. It's like a smack in the face. And that I was only living to be with her. I have to live for myself. And yeah, it seems hard as hell for us to stick with it, but there are alternative ways of finding inner peace besides reading articles.

 

If you're open to alternatives of inner peace and self healing, some things I've been using are crystal singing bowls.

 

There is also Reiki if you are interested and can find people around your area who know about this. And meditation, I know the steps for this in basic form and I can tell you if you like. I'm sure you can find the steps easily online. I'm going to be starting this soon myself.

 

And also, if you use any of these methods, you can only move forward!

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Ah push, my heart breaks for what you are going through. I so wish there was a magical wand that we could wave and heal you. Have you thought of seeking therapy?

 

Is this your first break from a serious relationship?

 

Breakups are extremely hard but we are wired as humans to cope and survive. It kills, it hurts, it demoralizes us, we spend too much time thinking about the ex, too much time comparing ourselves to the new person but this isn't healthy for us. I know you must have heard it said a million times but you have to stop yourself from thinking about these things. You are a great guy, he is no better/no worse than you, and there is a wonderful caring woman out there waiting for you.

 

Remain strong.

 

Yeah, this is my first. I'm too innocent for my own good. I loved with my all and got burned. Quite severely I might add. I place my trust in somebody that betrayed me. This is my first time experience a betrayal that has traumatized me. I am literally shaken up from this experience. I know the new guy is not better or worse. Just different. I'm just pissed off that she lied to me and I had to find out through the internet. Which is my reason for being in strict NC. Ooooo, I got did dirty.

 

I don't think about them constantly. It's more of a memory type of thing. She can date whoever she wants. She's no longer committed to me and she left me a long time ago. I just hate the fact I feel powerless and allowed myself to crumble. I've been on a self destructive cycle and I see that now.

 

I've been hitting the gym and do not say NO to any time being invited out. I really want to change from the old me. The old me was shy. The old me is not very sociable. The old me kept to him self.

 

I want to reinvent myself and try to become a social butterfly. In that way, I can rely on more people. My support group is lacking. I figured out my problems, I just need to deal with my emotions and heart break first. Or drink myself into a stupor and just be a 21 year old kid.

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I'm originally from a different city. However I will be traveling to visit for the holidays. I don't know about medication or new age healing. I don't think medication should be used, I'm not suicidal. New age healing is not my thing. I'll look into it though.

 

Thanks!

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Ah I hate medication as well, but I said meditation.

 

Oh! Haha, didn't notice that.

 

I don't know if meditation would work for me. My mind is a mess and I cannot unfocus to a point of just realizing and being aware of what's around me. Eventually, thoughts of her come back.

 

=/

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Feeling really angry still.

 

Maybe I finally hit the angry phase. Maybe this whole time I've been grieving and it's hard. Or I've been cycling through all these phases. I just want to go out and have fun. Not care about her at all. Can't wait to drink tonight and dance it off. Hopefully, I will have a great time!

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