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Am I a Tease?


zummyum

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I went on a date a couple of weeks ago with a guy who told me that he was divorced just 7 months ago, which seemed like a yellow flag, right? I was nervous to go out with him again, but it seemed like we really clicked, so we’ve met up a couple more times, and last night he invited me over for a movie at his place. At the end of the night he tried to kiss me, but I backed away. I feel like the divorce was too recent and I don’t want to be a rebound, and I told him that.

 

He said that he isn’t looking for anything serious right now, so he understood that if I was then we shouldn’t kiss, but then as I was leaving he said that he was disappointed, that I knew he was going to try to kiss me tonight, and that if I knew that I didn’t want to kiss him why did I go to his house?

 

He’s right, I did know that a kiss was coming, but I guess I was hoping that he’d be up for just getting to know each other for a while before getting physical, but now I’m sad because I think I really blew it. Am I a tease, or is he just expecting too much?

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You are 100% entitled to decline to have any physical contact with someone but before I go to a man's home alone for the first time I have a short, direct conversation about my boundaries - usually one sentence "I'm looking forward to seeing your place, but I'm not ready to be intimate with you" (or "have sex with you"). Never had a problem with that approach and most often the reaction was positive. I do that to avoid an awkward situation not because I think that just because I agree to be alone with a man I am consenting to physical or sexual contact. That's his problem if he feels "entitled".

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Now you're worried you blew it, but you don't really wanna do anything with him right now.... I'm confused. You either want to or not. ..

 

I don't think he'd complain if you called him and asked for another date.

 

Are you looking for something serious?

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Now you're worried you blew it, but you don't really wanna do anything with him right now.... I'm confused. You either want to or not. ..

 

I don't think he'd complain if you called him and asked for another date.

 

Are you looking for something serious?

 

Yeah, and that's the problem, I do want something serious, but it doesn't sound like he does. And, I feel like I blew it because I basically told him that if it's not going to be serious, then I didn't want to kiss, so I kind of pushed him to make a choice right away, and he did - not serious, no kiss. Maybe if I'd waited, and not put myself in such a stupid position at his house things would be different.

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are you trying to lead him on? is kissing too early right now?

 

he invited you over for a movie. he probably wanted more than a kiss. i know i would. i'm a pig. lol

 

Ha! I kind of wanted more than a kiss, too, just not a fwb situation.

 

So, no, I'm not trying to lead him on, I just want more emotional connection before jumping into the physical. I'm tired of having great sex with no relationship. I want both!

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...but before I go to a man's home alone for the first time I have a short, direct conversation about my boundaries - usually one sentence "I'm looking forward to seeing your place, but I'm not ready to be intimate with you" (or "have sex with you")...

 

Great advice, if only I'd asked about this before going to his house.

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Ha! I kind of wanted more than a kiss, too, just not a fwb situation.

 

So, no, I'm not trying to lead him on, I just want more emotional connection before jumping into the physical. I'm tired of having great sex with no relationship. I want both!

 

a kiss doesn't mean FWB.

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a kiss doesn't mean FWB.

 

Yeah, I know, but if someone says they don't want anything serious, that they just want to hang out and have fun, and they want to fool around with me, that's kind of a fwb, isn't it? Or something. It's not what I want, anyway, you know?

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Yeah, I know, but if someone says they don't want anything serious, that they just want to hang out and have fun, and they want to fool around with me, that's kind of a fwb, isn't it? Or something. It's not what I want, anyway, you know?

 

i will roll with that as the truth. usually how i do it. hehe

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You went to his house subconsciously hoping to have sex, that he's excalate smoothly. Cognitively you don't think you're ready, but deep down you want the romance novel getting sweeped off your feet and dominated and ravished. Seriously, read some romance novels. It's chick porn and it tracks to exactly what the OP is talking about. When you boil it all down that's why women give mixed messages. They do want it, but they don't. Back and forth back and forth it goes. What it comes down to is biology and how the female brain able to emotionally override the congnitive functions.

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You went to his house subconsciously hoping to have sex, that he's excalate smoothly. Cognitively you don't think you're ready, but deep down you want the romance novel getting sweeped off your feet and dominated and ravished.

 

Well, of course I want to have sex with him! Who doesn't want to be ravished? That's not the problem - the real problem is that I don't want just sex.

 

What it comes down to is biology and how the female brain able to emotionally override the congnitive functions.

 

I don't understand this, though. Are you saying that women have sex when they're horny enough despite the fact that their brains are telling them not to?

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So, I was kind of a tease, but it was an accident, and I totally didn't mean to send mixed messages, so is there any way to save this?

 

I don't think you were a tease. The next time you plan to spend alone time together simply tell him what I suggested - since you seemed to agree that that was a good idea.

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I understand what the general voice is on this thread. It's like you wanted to, but doubt lingered so you decided not to, which is fine.

 

I try not to do any kissing unless I know for sure it's something there too.. The last time I did the opposite, I had this woman call me at 5am, threatening to come to my house & finish what we started... But I wasn't interested in her, I just wanted a kiss.

 

She woke me up at 5am sounding like a dope fiend on the other end.. It was awkward, and it killed any possible future connection between us.

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Well, of course I want to have sex with him! Who doesn't want to be ravished? That's not the problem - the real problem is that I don't want just sex.

 

 

 

I don't understand this, though. Are you saying that women have sex when they're horny enough despite the fact that their brains are telling them not to?

 

Pretty much. Read The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine. It'll lay it all out for you how women are wired for emotion, more so than men, and how when you engage the emotional centers of the brain (primate) that people can override their logic (cognitive). We all basically have 3 brains in one: reptilian, primate, and cognitive. Reptilian is the basic stuff we have no control over (heart rate, breathing, etc). The primate brain is mainly all about emotion and instinct. The cognitive part of the human brain is the biggest and is what allows us to plow through emotion and instinct follow a logical course of action. For reasons due to the biology of how we've evolved, women are simply more swayed by their primate brain than men are. This is the basis for why women are more emotional and men are more logical for all intents and purposes.

 

Anyway, the point is that if you stimulate a woman emotionally (positive or negative, doesn't matter) you can override her logic. That's what I was talking about before.

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I beg to differ with most of the posts on here and this guy - you are not a tease at all. If I were you, I would have called bullsh*t on this guy.

 

First, there is nothing wrong with going to a guys house that your thinking, without any plans to have sex. Second, there is nothing wrong with you refusing to kiss him - if you had started making out with him on his couch and gave him a hard on and started talking about how you dont want to have sex with him - then that would be the definition of a tease and he'd be right.

 

Don't worry about him - I think he was just upset about being rejected. And don't feel bad at all. I've been in this situation many times - a good guy will respect you b/c of your decision and like you more b/c of it. One's who aren't try to pull a guilt trip on you about how you led them on and everything - about how he likes you but he doesn't know you yet, and he really wants to be with you but at the same time he's not ready... why can't you guys just get to know each other and see what happens and etc etc etc. Please have more trust in your decisions and instincts and don't worry too much about what guys tell you.

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no big deal on not kissing him...you took your time to show up and he'll understand that the next day...and he'd have rather watched the movie with you than have no one around...even though he didn't get any action

 

...from a man's perspective...hope that helps

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Thanks Baily and capuccino, it's good to hear your thoughts!

 

Yes you did in my opinion. Why would you have dinner at the guys place if you were not interested. I'd be disappointed if I went to all that effort and the girl would not even kiss me.

 

And Captain, it was just a movie, not dinner, so the only effort he went to was to open the Netflix envelop. Also, I've said a couple of times already that I was interested in him, but I didn't want to be just a rebound. Which, it turns out, was what he wanted, so I'm glad I didn't kiss him.

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