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Shy guy need some advice


yvj

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I'm twenty three, an introvert, socially clumsy in the most part, and have never had a girlfriend, never had much dating experience, never been kissed etc etc etc.

 

I've always told myself "eventually" things would get "better." When I get my own place, get out of school, have a steady job, get in better shape, I'd have the confidence to seek relationships, and approach women.

 

Today a girl approached me (aggressively I might add) and it completely threw me off the rails. Impulsively I asked for her number and she surprisingly gave it to me.

 

Now none of the situations I listed above has happened and I don't even know why she came up to me as I wasn't even looking particular well groomed that day (I'm still not 100% sure its not a punking) In addition to this I'm not sure the girl and I have much in common at all! I am obviously at some disadvantage but I've decided to go into this for the overall life experience.

 

Anyone here's the situation. She said that she wasn't much of a phone "talker" I've decided to go with a text message over the weekend.

 

1) Three days before communication is that too long of a wait, just right, or too early?

 

2) What do I text her with? What's my opening line here?

 

I was thinking of something like "I'm not sure if we have much in common but I'm interested"

 

Is that too blunt, is it weird? Can she take it the wrong way?

 

3) Getting to actual phone calls.

 

1) What the heck do I talk about? I've never been good on phones even with good friends.

 

If this somehow goes even further.

 

1) Is the movie date a good first date?

 

2) Do I let her know I am a virgin? Or that I have practically 0 dating experience. Should I be upfront with this or let this come through my actions. She appears to much more socially experienced than me so God knows she'll figure it out sooner or later. (Especially if things ever get to a bedroom situation)

 

Thanks in advance for any help.

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Text her right away, before she has a chance to forget your interaction. Keep it informal, "Hi, this is yvj and I met you yesterday. Do you have plans for tonight?"

 

Most women, especially socially adept and courageous women really hate being kept waiting. Be prepared to ask her on a date, that's why she approached you, right?

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i think it's ok to call her - it doesn't have to be a super long conversation. call her and ask how she is doing, how her week went, etc..... ask her how her thanksgiving was. and then ask if she would like to get together in person. no, i would not mention 'i don't know if we have much in common, but i'm interested.' you're on the date to see if you guys have stuff in common, so just go with it.

 

no, movie is not good, because you can't talk. if you do want to go to a movie, then go get some ice cream or some coffee first, so you two can talk a bit and get to know each other. an activity is good - like if there is a fair or something like that going on in your city - try that!

 

i wouldn't mention your experience (or lack thereof) at this stage. just use this time to chat, see what you two like and dislike - ie, movies, music, food, travel, where you grew up..... nothing heavy like religion or politics, your deepest fears, etc......

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That would have freaked the hell out of me too. Congrats on getting her phone number.

 

I’ll try to answer some of your questions but I know others will be much more useful. As I am as inexperienced as you, even more I think.

 

1) I have read that 2-3 days is good. I would probably do the 2 days because I would be very excited. Remember to ask for a date.

 

2) I have no idea.

 

3) a) I would probably flub my way through the conversation. I would let others to give you more concrete answers.

 

b) I have read a movie is not good for the first date. You can’t talk to her to get to know her. Lunch/ Coffee seems to be recommended.

 

c) Don’t think about your inexperience. It is just a first date. She doesn’t need to know that you’re inexperienced. She’ll probably figure out something during your first couple of dates, but she doesn’t know what you don’t tell her. I have read not to be afraid to initiate a kiss to let her know you’re interested in more. But eventually once you get to the point where you are comfortable with each other to share those kind of details about each other, you can tell her. Some say never tell her that you are a virgin, even before you are about to have sex. You'll have to judge how you want to handle that. I would probably tell eventually.

 

Good luck, hopefully you can get some better advice from some other people here.

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That's for the advice everyone. I've fumbled through some conversations and I have had some back and forth texts chatting.

 

I haven't gotten the courage to officially ask her out yet (yeah I know I'm treading the dangerous waters of the "friend zone")

 

But about having things in common problem. I am in NY we're both African Americans she seems much more immersed in the hip hop culture than I am. I am already thinking about if I have to meet her friends or her family or if she herself gives of "he's not one of us vibe."

 

I mean the fact she approached me is cool. But now I'm noticing my "vocab" changing when I talk to her or I try to act "cooler". And it sucks. I guess deep down I really don't believe in the "Be yourself" motto. I mean being myself has gotten me to be a 23 year old virgin.

 

Arggh too much thinking.

 

I am probably self sabotaging here. I know I wanted to do this just for the experience even if I get rejected. But looking ahead this might have the potential for serious embarrassment.

 

I'm seriously thinking I should bail.

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I think you are over thinking things. Don’t worry about trivial things right now like what her friends will think of you. Deal with that when or if you meet them.

 

I can’t see that her only interest would be hip hop culture. You won’t know what her interests are until you start asking her. You might find something in common. So what if you are not as immersed in one of her interests. She could introduce you to it, and include you in her interests.

 

People often change their actions slightly to try and impress someone they like, or respect. It is perfectly normal, just don’t go overboard.

 

She probably understands that you are a quiet guy, and she might really like that in a man. Not all women like the same things. (I am finally starting to realize this myself). Opposites attract sometimes. She might really like bringing you out of your shell. I know I would love to find a woman that would do the same thing for me.

 

I just got my first hug from a girl on Friday, and I felt like a million bucks that I finally accomplished something. My next goal is a kiss, maybe even a date but I think that is going to take a lot more work. I would love to be in your position right now. Since she came up to you I don’t think she will reject you right away. I am starting to realize that you sometimes have to risk yourself emotionally to get the rewards.

 

Don’t let this opportunity pass you by. Carpe Diem – “Seize The Day”

 

Good Luck.

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You definitly give her a call! From what I have been told 2-3 days after the exchange of a # it's a good time to give the person. As far as going on a date don't take her to the movies because it doesn't give the both of you a chance to talk.

 

Take her to dinner which this will help the both of you to find out if either of you have anything in common. You don't know if you have anything in common or not until you get to know the person. Talk about what each you are into: hobbies, movies, sports, etc.

 

I'm 22 and I didn't get my first bf until I was 21 and that was last year. I am quiet and shy as well and I wasn't sure what to say either. My bf and I meet through friends of ours and I thought I was going to be to quite for him and that was going to scare him away. But, he saw past that and saw who I really was. I do find myself to be even more shy around the guys that I liked. But when I met him he made me feel really comfortable. He did wait the 2-3 day thing before asking calling me to go on a date.

 

So, I do know where your coming from though. But, you should be really proud of yourself for a girl to be giving you her #. Give her a call and ask her on a date!!! Congrats!

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Ok I think you are over thinking this a little. I would not say anything about having nothing in common, well because, you dont know that yet. Take it one day at a time. The first date should be light and fun. Focus on her more. You can get deeper and reveal more as time goes by. You need to practice since you have little experience so take this one as a blessing and a time to learn.

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