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Jester1586
Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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I've been in my relationship with my girlfriend for just over two years. A few weeks ago she said she wanted a break, and a week later we broke up. I want nothing more than to get her back, but I'm very confused on some of the things she told me when we split.

 

She said she was feeling depressed about not seeing me, which I can understand. I hurt all the time when I can't see her everyday, but I've been working towards saving up enough money to move down to be with her. We've both talked about that a lot, and I really want to do it. Her friends don't believe me, and some of her guy friends have asked her out, and I know talk bad about me to try and split us up. Is she starting to give in and believe them when they say I won't move there to be with her?

 

Her grandma died in the spring of this year, and I was unable to fly down to spend that time with her. I wanted to, but I didn't have the cash, I worked and had school, and my car was in the shop with engine trouble. It just wasn't going to happen, but I did manage to get down there a month later to be with her when I could. She told me that really hurt her, and she knew I couldn't get down there, but she kept expecting me to be there, so it crushed her when I couldn't. She says she doesn't want to have me feeling emotional responsible for her, whatever that means. And she doesn't want to continue to expect me to do things that are not in my power to do all the time. I can't be there every time she needs me, and vice versa, but that doesn't mean I don't want to be there. I'm always there for her to talk to, even if I can't physically hold her during that time.

 

She basically said she needs space to get back to being herself, and that once she's there, we'll see where it goes. She wants to be friends, but I can't handle that. I planned on proposing to her sometime next year, once I was able to save up the money to move, but I've known she was the woman of my future for a while now.

 

Right after we broke up, she changed her Myspace status to 'single', but I'm still her #1 friend on her top friends. I don't put much stock into things like that, but she does. It's just how she is. She told me numerous times after the break up that she still feels the same about me and wants to be with me, just can't take the stress of a LDR at the moment.

 

I've read on the "Getting back together" forum that I should just go NC and wait for her to contact me. Is that the best course of action in LDRs? I don't really think this is a break-up, though it technically is. She's just confused.

 

One thing of note is that we broke up about two months after we started dating. I called it off because I was confused about what I wanted, and I didn't want to lead her on. She was sure I was seeing someone else during our time apart, despite me telling her I didn't (and I didn't). Around this time two years ago (a month or so after the break-up) we got back together. She told me she never really forgave me for it, and still felt hurt. Though she never once mentioned it to me in the two years since. Personally, I don't believe it, but I could be wrong. I just think she said it as a reason to wanting to split up now.

 

So basically what I'm asking is, do I just let her be for the time being and hope she contacts me about staying together, or do I contact her and try and talk through it? I just don't want to lose her.

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Well, if she wants a break, she wants a break from the relationship. She doesn't want this long distance thing anymore.

 

She's invested way too much into this relationship, is what she's saying. She's relying on you too heavily for things that you couldn't do, like when her grandmother died. She wanted you there, it didn't happen. It's going to keep bringing her down, the reality that you're not here with her. She will keep being pulled down until something changes.

 

The impression I got was that she needs to back off, let go a little and get a little more mentally healthy. Things clearly aren't going well for her, and continuing at this pace will only make it worse.

 

She wants time and space to figure her crap out, so give it to her. Talking it through won't exactly do anything, because she's just trying to find herself again and become less detached from the relationship.

 

Did she say if this was a no contact period? Why not drop her an email stating that you're still there for her, and if she needs you to not hesitate.

 

I think communication still needs to be made to a certain extent on if she's sees this relationship ever working again, because I'm sure you'd like to know if you're wasting your time trying to save up to move there when she's out dating other people. She may be missing the close contact of a relationship, and may want to pursue something else with someone else to get what she needs.

 

I'd say go NC for a bit, and then try and restablish the lines of communications to see how she's doing and what she thinks is going to happen in the future.

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I'm almost positive it's nothing like that though. I mean, it could have happened, but I doubt it. She's just not that kind of girl. We dated for a year before we had sex (I was her first time). She wouldn't cheat on me, even in the smallest bit. She won't even dance with another guy if her and her girl friends go to a club, despite me telling her it's alright. She doesn't drink or anything like that either.

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That's exactly what I thought was going on. I've told her I'm always there for her, but I can't do the friends thing now, as my feelings for her will keep trying to get me to be more then that. I guess I need my own space too. I've been in no contact for about a week now after I sent her an message explaining what I was feeling and where my head was at. She never requested no contact. I guess I'll keep the NC up for a little longer and try and talk to her once I clear my head a bit. Finals for school are coming up for both of us as well, so a break may be good.

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I would just caution to not move down there now. It seems that your relationship has hit a serious bump in the road. LDRs are notoriously rocky. I don't know why you two couldn't have moved closer in the past two years if both of you were serious about moving the relationship forward.

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I would just caution to not move down there now. It seems that your relationship has hit a serious bump in the road. LDRs are notoriously rocky. I don't know why you two couldn't have moved closer in the past two years if both of you were serious about moving the relationship forward.

 

We're both in college right now. So being a college student, I don't have a lot of extra cash, and most of what I would save up was spent to either drive/fly down to her, or to entertain her when she'd come up here.

 

I've recently got a new job where I make almost double, and my school is one semester away from being over. I'm finally building a bank account.

 

Right now, moving to be with her is put on the back burner. I accepted I need to move there to keep her, but if I don't already have her, there's no point in moving there. I'll keep saving though, as I need to do that anyway, even if I'm not moving down there.

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A LDR is the hardest thing I've ever done, but I'm so happy I did it. I'd never have met such an amazing girl if I didn't. If she lived near me, I probably would have never asked her out to begin with. If this doesn't work out in the end, I'll probably never try a LDR again, but I'm forever grateful I tried this one.

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I've been in my relationship with my girlfriend for just over two years.

 

Is anyone else here concerned that you're talking about her as your GIRLFRIEND. She's not your girlfriend any more. She's your ex. That's an extremely important distinction. Now regardless of anything else that happens, of anything you see on MySpace, or anything she says - it is the action of breaking up with you that matters. That is a clear signal that says she does not want to be with you, for whatever reason.

 

but I'm very confused on some of the things she told me when we split.

 

Ignore what she says, her intentions are displayed in her actions. Her action was to go on a break, and then she decided she wanted to break up. Then she changed her profile to say "single". Those are key decisive actions. There is nothing confusing about her actions, they are very clear.

 

I think this is something she has thought about for a long time, and it is likely a combination of factors that led her to this conclusion. She has had a hard time letting go, but letting go is something she has clearly done.

 

You need to quit with the hope. Not because there is no hope. But because the hope is useless and will hold you back. What you need to do is focus on putting barriers up between you and her, so that she is forced to deal with the reality of the situation, and you are provided a certainty of outcome.

 

Change your number. Remove her from your Friends on MySpace. Change your email. Drop off the face of the earth.

 

I don't really think this is a break-up, though it technically is. She's just confused.

I don't see any confusion in what she has done. Imagine if you had broken up with her, and were a little confused. What would you be doing right now? You'd be scared that you might still want to be with her, you wouldn't progress from a "break" to a "break-up". Basically, it's like being "fired" and then hanging around in the lobby of the workplace. There's no point, if they really want you back - they will call and tell you so!

 

Is she starting to give in and believe them when they say I won't move there to be with her?

People make their own minds up, and ultimately they take responsibility for their own decisions. You can't be forced into stopping love someone. Think of Romeo and Juliet. When people really love each other, it does not matter what anyone else thinks or what distance separates them.

 

I just don't want to lose her

Maybe you need to grieve for the relationship. It was obviously one that was very important to you. But what you need to remember is that the relationship you had is OVER. Even if you got back together, that would be a new relationship. Things are different now.

 

do I just let her be for the time being and hope she contacts me about staying together, or do I contact her and try and talk through it?

 

To summarize, I think you need to take control of the outcome. If she really wants you, she will move heaven and earth to get you back. So do this:

 

  1. Pour your heart out too her once and for all. Don't leave anything out. Write it all down and send if off if you can't do it in person.
  2. Remove all the methods of her easily or casually contacting her that you can. This includes changing cellphone numbers, blocking messaging programs, and removing from social networks.
  3. Ignore any attempts of contact that are not "I miss you and I want to get back together now". Ignore means just that. Do NOT respond to her unless she is discussing getting back together now.
  4. Focus on yourself. Now is the time to get back to the gym, focus on your study, and get out there and be with friends.

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I was referring to her as my girlfriend in the past tense. I wasn't saying she's still my girlfriend, as she is not.

 

And I am grieving, but I won't change my number, etc. I won't contact her, I won't look at her Myspace, I won't reply if she contacts me unless it's about getting back together.

 

I've started no contact, and I plan to keep it up until I feel I can either talk to her like a normal person without trying to get her back, or until she wants to get back with me.

 

Your advice is kind of harsh, but harsh is good at times. I know what you're saying, I need to let go and heal myself, and I'm trying.

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Well, it's been about two weeks sent I last contacted her. Last contact was a message to here saying I couldn't just be friends, and I had to go my own way for now. I never expected a reply, and never got one, until today.

 

She sent me this:

'I don't really know what to say. I understand, though. I know that it's hard and I will respect what you have decided, as well. If you change your mind, though, let me know. I'll always be here to be your friend and to talk."

 

Yeah, I know. It's nothing really. Just saddened I don't want to just be friends. But sending it two weeks later? I know she got it the day I sent it. Myspace tells you if someone reads a message you send. I'm more surprised she relied two weeks after she got it, rather than not reply at all. If anything, it means she's been thinking of me. Enough to tell me she's sad I can't be friends. I'll take that as a step in the right directions. Any thoughts about me are better than no thoughts, even if they aren't thoughts of getting back together yet.

 

Obviously I won't reply. No need to. She knows where I stand, and there's nothing more I can say, as my mind hasn't changed. Hopefully she continues to try and contact me though.

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Of course she has been thinking of you, and I can understand why you might be fearful that she might not. But regardless of her romantic feelings now, you were a big part of her life. She just reached a point where she didn't want to romantically be with you. This doesn't mean you weren't important, or that she didn't feel that way about you for some time.

 

It sounds like she understands that you have a process to go through and that you need to do this to heal. That's a good thing, because if she genuinely understands that - and gives you the time - it means one day you could both be friends. But that's not a concern right now, as you know. This is about you, and now, which you seem to be dealing with well

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I know I can live without her. I survived for almost 19 years before I even knew her, and I've gone about a month now after we broke it. It's not about living without her, as I know I can. It's just so much better when she's around. She became my best friend during our relationship, despite the distance. We were always there for each other if we had a problem, even if we weren't physically there every time. Essentially that ended it. It got to a point where she just needed me there everyday, and the distance prevented that, she thought she was better off out of the relationship. Those expectations were unfair to me, as we both knew it was impossible at the moment, so in essense the break up was a good move. For right now. She needs to get to a point where she doesn't have to expect me, or anyone else for that matter, to be there every time she has a bad day. And I need to focus on not being so hung up on not having her in my life. I know that someday it'll get to the point where we can talk about stuff, and not have the conversations seem forced, as they did after we broke it. Be it me pushing to stay together, or her trying to not maintain a friendship. Eventually we'll get there, and once we are there, hopefully we can talk about starting anew if we both still want that, and if not, then hopefully we can stay friends.

 

Looking back I see how your advice, while it seemed harsh at the time, wasn't. So thanks.

 

I'll be sure to keep you updated on the progress as well, and if I have any other questions.

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