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Realization I have no relationship


lumu

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I have come to the realization that I have no relationship with the bf who I am now considering an ex bf. I had four dates with less and less intimacy. I am not going to contact anymore and move on.

 

I have starting having sexual feelings for my best friend. That has never happened to me when I've been in a relationship. the ex bf never talked to me after the first month and I've only been with him four times.

 

This was never a relationship and Its painfully obvioius he isn't ready or desiring of one.

 

So I am going to see if the best friend and I can succeed at dating but take it much slower.

 

Even I can learn I guess

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I have come to the realization that I have no relationship with the bf who I am now considering an ex bf. I had four dates with less and less intimacy. I am not going to contact anymore and move on.

 

I have starting having sexual feelings for my best friend. That has never happened to me when I've been in a relationship. the ex bf never talked to me after the first month and I've only been with him four times.

 

This was never a relationship and Its painfully obvioius he isn't ready or desiring of one.

 

So I am going to see if the best friend and I can succeed at dating but take it much slower.

 

Even I can learn I guess

 

 

 

Sounds like the last guy was just using you for sex. Did he ever really take you out or did it consist of you going to his house or him going to your house for intimacy? How long did you know him before you had those 4 dates? Did you sleep with him on the first date and everyone ther after?

 

Also, with your friend that you want to take things slow with... be careful, I find it hard to believe that you are going to be able to take things slow with him after you just mentioned that you have developed sexual feelings for him.

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I have come to the realization that I have no relationship with the bf who I am now considering an ex bf. I had four dates with less and less intimacy. I am not going to contact anymore and move on.

 

I have starting having sexual feelings for my best friend. That has never happened to me when I've been in a relationship. the ex bf never talked to me after the first month and I've only been with him four times.

 

This was never a relationship and Its painfully obvioius he isn't ready or desiring of one.

 

So I am going to see if the best friend and I can succeed at dating but take it much slower.

 

Even I can learn I guess

 

Okay, you are being a little too free with labels..this guy you were sleeping with was clearly never your boyfriend...he was just some guy you had a few dates and sex with. Now you are saying you have sexual feelings for your best friend...problem is you are basing everything on lustful feelings rather than an emotional connection. If you start having sex with your best friend then you will be entering into FWB territory. Do you actually want to have a relationship with your friend...do you care about him in a romantic way that goes deeper than simple lust? Does he care about you in a romantic way that goes deeper than simply getting his rocks off. I think you need to figure this out first before you assume you can have sex with him and call it a relationship.

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I think you'd have a better outcome, if you would take some time to get to know each other, and hold off with having sex so fast.

 

Just my opinion, but I think you have a better chance of developing a relationship when you're committed to each other, before being intimate.

 

Take care...

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Okay, you are being a little too free with labels..this guy you were sleeping with was clearly never your boyfriend...he was just some guy you had a few dates and sex with. Now you are saying you have sexual feelings for your best friend...problem is you are basing everything on lustful feelings rather than an emotional connection. If you start having sex with your best friend then you will be entering into FWB territory. Do you actually want to have a relationship with your friend...do you care about him in a romantic way that goes deeper than simple lust? Does he care about you in a romantic way that goes deeper than simply getting his rocks off. I think you need to figure this out first before you assume you can have sex with him and call it a relationship.

 

Well okay first of all I had an exclusive agreement with the bf. But outside of two of the date where we did something other then sex. We had sex. He was very communicative the first month then only wrote to me when he wanted to connect for a date and nothing really inbetween. I asked him if I could be let out of our exclusive arrangement and just be friends but he asked for more time since his life is in a bit of a crises. I gave him time and I told him I needed more communication. He agreed then never followed through with that unless it was to hook up for a date.

 

the best friend and I have been very close and love each other as friends. He has been saying he wants to marry me. But he wants to take his time and he wants to live with me first because he doesn't want to make a serioius permanant choice without going in with both eyes open.

 

Yes I had sex with him but we've been hanging out playing WoW and talking and watching moveis for a while now. He has never approached me on a physical level until last night when I told him I broke up with my old bf.

 

I was actually afraid he'd be to intellectual to want to be passionate and since we were close friends he wouldn't want me in a sexual way or it would be ackward. It was anything but that and he wrote to me all day today and has invited me back Sat to spend hte night at hi s apt. He's discussed wanting to have children with me and how to broach the topic of him dating me with his teenage daughter who lives with him.

 

I told him I didn't want to move in before marriage as I've done that with all my boyfriends but the last one. It never worked out welll although they were long lasting ones.

 

He said it was a non negociable point. I will move in with him before he proposes but that we can take our time to get to that point. He is .. well wow great in bed. Passionate.. caring.. gentle and rough.. I'm simply blown away.

 

We are supposed to play rockband and go out to eat on sat with his daughter. I am scared i'll lose him as a friend but he says he loves me and he always will and that will not happen.

 

He also says he wants me just as I am and He is so happy to finally have me in his bed and his life in a more intimate serious way.

 

I would never have known if he hadn't fessed up to me was feeling this way.

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My sense from your posts and other threads is that you are a bit desperate for a relationship and you make excuses and ignore common red flags so that you can avoid being on your own. Also you seemed convinced that your so-called "ex" was "the one" and your speed of light readiness to hook up with your friend seems a bt suspicious as far as whether you want him or just a warm body substitute.

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Lumu, I'm glad you realized that it was not a relationship. Based on your other threads, there were a ton of red flags with this guy. I don't understand why you are in such a rush to be with someone. Slow it down and you might actually have something lasting. But the way you are in such a rush, show such a need to be in a relationship really isn't good.

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My sense from your posts and other threads is that you are a bit desperate for a relationship and you make excuses and ignore common red flags so that you can avoid being on your own. Also you seemed convinced that your so-called "ex" was "the one" and your speed of light readiness to hook up with your friend seems a bt suspicious as far as whether you want him or just a warm body substitute.

 

I think of it as trusting what someone tells me until I am sure they are not acting to their words. I am also afraid of hurting my friend if this is just my extreme need for sex.

 

As for why the rush. I know what I want. I want a lover, a friend, a partner and a husband and to have nine or ten children.

 

As I am close approaching 40, I have to get a move on and there isn't any sense waiting if you know what you want.

 

I don't know if you get a sense from my posts but i'm a very strange individual wiht eccletic tastes in my pastimes and beliefs. I have a large need for sex and my sex drive is very high.

 

The ex was the first person like me I'd found ever in my life. My best friend is a very neat and tidy person and very shy. I am not in the least neat or tidy and love chaos and I am an extrovert so i'm afraid that he won't be able to take me over the long haul.

No guts no glory i suppose. Faint heart never won.. and all that

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Well, if you feel like you are running out of time (which I disagree with...you seem to think almost being 40 means you should rush from one relationship into another, but I couldn't disagree more), I suggest you take things slowly and pick wisely. No bigger time waster than being in a relationship with the wrong guy.

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I see, so if you met a complete stranger you would trust him to come to your house based on his words alone unless you were "sure" that you couldn't trust him? What if you had your nine or ten children in your home? I don't think that has to do with "eclectic" tastes, just common sense when it comes to trust and to the level of care you have for your physical and emotional well being.

 

I think at your age it should be simple to tell whether your sex drive is driving you or something else. And having a high sex drive doesn't mean you have to act on it, or to act on it with a particular person.

 

Is this a matter of "guts" or a matter of you being desperately afraid of being without sex for a period of time?

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lumu-- people on here have all told you similar things. i'm very happy you realized that it is not working out with this guy. i also would hesitate to call him a boyfriend-- actions speak much louder than words-- that doesn't appear to be a relationship--- maybe a lover of sorts, maybe a FWB, but not really a relationship. you were in way tooooo much pain for that to be a boyfriend. and you should really wonder why you would let someone make you feel that bad.

i agree with the other posters - you HAVE to take better care of your heart lumu , and guard who you let in, be more cautious and slow about developing feelings.

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