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Falling in love too FAST!


Murzilka

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Ok, so I've just read the earlier similar post and responses to it, and I've got some questions relating to the subject. Most people when describing the situation (of how the average love process develops) have all conveyed that two people meet, they start dating and that's when most develop feelings of love. Is it love when one person has "fallen in love" with the other without that person's knowledge? Is it fair to then tell the other person (who you've fallen in love with) about your feelings before they have even had a chance to go on a date with you and see what may come?

 

It has always taken some time for me to fall in love with a person. Time to get to know someone and to let things happen naturally for a while before my feelings become really strong. I have a really hard time understanding how what I've described above can take place. As I make sense of it intellectually, I can't help but question the validity of feelings that are so strong but don't really have a realistic base. I could be wrong here. Advice?

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I think people can instantly develop an attraction & feel a connection that later develops into love, and because of those instant feelings they label them "love". But you can feel a similar instant attraction to someone whom it doesn't work out with (never go on a date, never develop into a relationship) & you would never call it love because it never becomes love. What is it called when you are in the future & look back on the past, knowing what you now know & applying your current information to the past? There is a term for it but I can't remember the word right now.

 

I think it's hard to say you love someone when you hardly know anything about them. On the other hand, parents often instantly feel love for their newborn baby. They would die for them & no one would question that love, but its the same thing.. you don't know anything about that new baby!

 

Good question.

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Yes. I agree that in the beginning you don't know much about this new person. All you know is that you want to know more. When time passes and you spend more time with that person, you share a bond and a commitment and then it's LOVE. I don't know how else to tell this guy (without making him feel like his feelings aren't valid) that what he's feeling is not REAL love. It's infatuation and a little masochism at this point. How do you tell someone that?

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If some guy has professed his love to you before even going out on a date, then what he's really done is to paint you a picture about love. It's not that he's in love, but rather, it's that he would like to describe for you what he sees in his mind as being possible when it comes to you as a couple.

 

Also, when your brain is jacked up on love chemicals like phenylethylamine, dopamine, and norepinephrine, which are very similar to amphetamines. then you may indeed feel like you're "in love". Really, it's that you're drunk on the idea of love finding you and of "falling" in love.

 

Basically, I'm saying that you can't vilify or condemn, nor can you praise and trust a man who has told you that he's fallen in love with you before there is any rational excuse for him to be in such a fair mood. Likely, he believes it. But just as likely, and even more so, is that he's not yet in love. However, it's certainly a strong indication that the possibility for love in the future exists.

 

When dealing with someone like this, continue to tell him that he's silly, over-the-top, a goofball, and even, "pushing your luck mister." But if you like the guy otherwise, then give him a chance to show you consistency. That's what it's all about. If he can stay consistent for a reasonable amount of time then you just may have something there.

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Thanks jettison! I think the problem is that I've done all those things you say to do and have gotten the reply that, "no, it's the real thing" and that he's never felt this way before and that "he'll do anything for me". I feel like that is putting SO MUCH pressure on someone. I can't possibly live up to his expectations of how I will feel, not to mention it's hard for me to feel anything for him while he behaves like a helpless child. I don't mean to be mean or put the feeling of love down in any way, but I am just having a hard time understanding what motivates a grown adult to give up not only all control of their behavior but to also loose any sense of self (or so it seems)????

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Thanks jettison! I think the problem is that I've done all those things you say to do and have gotten the reply that, "no, it's the real thing" and that he's never felt this way before and that "he'll do anything for me". I feel like that is putting SO MUCH pressure on someone. I can't possibly live up to his expectations of how I will feel, not to mention it's hard for me to feel anything for him while he behaves like a helpless child. I don't mean to be mean or put the feeling of love down in any way, but I am just having a hard time understanding what motivates a grown adult to give up not only all control of their behavior but to also loose any sense of self (or so it seems)????

 

When you begin dating someone, can you tell before he professes his "love" for you that he is going to do it soon? If so, before he even says anything you can mention how guys have done that in the past & how it makes you feel- pressured to live up to his expectations & it turns you off when they behave like a lost little desperate duck following you around. And you're so glad that he doesn't behave that way & is mature enough to not throw the word "love" around in the beginning of a relationship. Just for future reference- cut them off at the knees before they even get that far!

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When you begin dating someone, can you tell before he professes his "love" for you that he is going to do it soon? If so, before he even says anything you can mention how guys have done that in the past & how it makes you feel- pressured to live up to his expectations & it turns you off when they behave like a lost little desperate duck following you around. And you're so glad that he doesn't behave that way & is mature enough to not throw the word "love" around in the beginning of a relationship. Just for future reference- cut them off at the knees before they even get that far!

 

But, but, but... I"m in love with you! You don't want me to say, "I'm in love with you"? Ok, I will never again say that I am hopelessly, and completely, and totally freaking in love with you again. I mean, I would say it if I could, but you don't want me to so, here, "... I am NOT totally in love with you right now. Nope, not at all."

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But, but, but... I"m in love with you! You don't me to say, "I'm in love with you." Ok, I will never again say that I am hopelessly, and completely, and totally freaking in love with you again. I mean, I would say it if I could, but you don't want me to so, here, "... I am NOT totally in love with you right now. Nope, not at all."

 

That's why you have to say it before the words even slip through their lips! Besides, I would probably dump them on the spot if they said that! It seems kind of passive-aggressive & that is a characteristic I absolutely despise.

 

I've known for a while you're in love with me, Jettison. I'm sorry but I'm taken

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But, but, but... I"m in love with you! You don't want me to say, "I'm in love with you"? Ok, I will never again say that I am hopelessly, and completely, and totally freaking in love with you again. I mean, I would say it if I could, but you don't want me to so, here, "... I am NOT totally in love with you right now. Nope, not at all."

 

OMG! You don't even know how true that response is! How the hell does one deal with that? I personally think I'm not equipped to handle that. The fact that his feelings were thrust upon me and I had barely any time to even make sense of them. And then I'm expected to somehow match those feelings?

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OMG! You don't even know how true that response is! How the hell does one deal with that? I personally think I'm not equipped to handle that. The fact that his feelings were thrust upon me and I had barely any time to even make sense of them. And then I'm expected to somehow match those feelings?

 

I think those words are a sign of neediness that is not going to go away. Definitely don't "match" their words. And if they continually bring it up & follow you around, maybe its a sign that you guys are looking for different levels of need & thus should see other people.

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OMG! You don't even know how true that response is! How the hell does one deal with that? I personally think I'm not equipped to handle that. The fact that his feelings were thrust upon me and I had barely any time to even make sense of them. And then I'm expected to somehow match those feelings?

 

I admit, I did it once. She kind of laughed and then said, "That is soooo not fair. Not fair!" So then I just kept making it worse for her because I could. Want to know how it turned out?

 

After about a month, she fell in love with me too. I got hers in an email.

 

Subject: "It's offiicial". Body: "I'm in love with you!"

 

 

So all that said... be careful!!! ... or else you'll find yourself ending up with a guy like me.

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I admit, I did it once. She kind of laughed and then said, "That is soooo not fair. Not fair!" So then I just kept making it worse for her because I could. Want to know how it turned out?

 

After about a month, she fell in love with me too. I got hers in an email.

 

Subject: "It's offiicial". Body: "I'm in love with you!"

 

 

So all that said... be careful!!! ... or else you'll find yourself ending up with a guy like me.

 

I'm thinking there was at least dating going on before that happened with you? This thing with me happened pretty suddenly. I mean I knew he liked me and I sort of liked him, but needed some time to date him and see how it went. I've felt a lot of pressure from him since. Even if he's not asking me to tell him that I love him, he's asking for a lot of reassurance because he says he doesn't know how I feel and his feelings are laid out on the table. I feel like it's not my feelings that he needs assurance of, it's his self worth and I can't give him that. I keep getting the "I can't just turn it off" from him when all I've asked for is to scale it back a bit so that I can adjust. And to control his needy behavior which does him no good anyway! I'm thinking it's probably not going to work as I've done all I could.

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I think those words are a sign of neediness that is not going to go away. Definitely don't "match" their words. And if they continually bring it up & follow you around, maybe its a sign that you guys are looking for different levels of need & thus should see other people.

 

I couldn't agree more!

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Kind of. We never went on any official "dates", but she knew I liked her, and she started asking me for more and more one on one time. So, I knew there was potential there. There was even a point where she said, "We have to talk about us", and she said that we couldn't date (because of another guy, a mutual friend). I just, "that's ok, no problem". Then she started crying. I consolled her. I remember us walking down the street together with our arms around each other. It was a little confounding how hard she was taking the news, her own news, that she couldn't date me. Aren't I suppose to be the one depressed about something like that? Weird.

 

But she just kept bugging me, and bugging me, and I knew there was a lot there and that it couldn't be ignored. For that reason, I just decided to lay all my cards on the table and make her deal with them. Either she could match my full house, or she'd have to fold and step away from the table. Turns out she admitted that she was crazy about me all along but just couldn't deal.

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