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the infamous "i don't know what i want"


IntoTheRain
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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She dropped the "i love you. i love you more than anything in this world."

 

BUT: "i don't know what i want."

 

To all the love doctors and psych majors out there, what is the real meaning behind this simple, yet perplexed phrase?

 

 

Is it:

 

A) She wants to venture to see if the grass is really greener on the other side? She wants to experience other people to see if they have better qualities in the areas that I lack. She's already 'talking' to plenty of guys post-breakup.

 

B) She wants to date other people while having me as a security blanket/emotional crutch? Basically, she wants to have her cake and eat it.

 

C) She wants to sleep with other guys? She has 'emotionally cheated' on me before, TWICE. Attraction = sexual chemistry.

 

D) She's not ready to commit to the next stage in life? Ex: post-graduation, marriage, etc.

 

E) She loves me, but not in love with me?

 

I have a strong feeling that it's all of the above. I know that she loves me, but she's too stubborn to realize what she has lost until she FALLS, and by that time, I'm afraid that it will be too late. I don't want to accept her after she's been with another guy, especially if she has sex with any of them. That's my biggest fear. She'll be considered tarnished and I refuse to take leftovers. But then again, I truly love her.

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hello there. I like to consider myself "savy" when it comes to psychology such as this.

 

The whole "I don't know what I want" is almost like the "I love you but i'm not IN love with you"...it's called a "laying down"-phrase...it's a breakup phrase that at first glance makes no sense at all but if you think about it could possibly make sense...

 

...but what do all these phrases really mean? Well, I've talked to literally hundreds of people about this sort of thing. It's kind of my hobby, that is "relationship" psychology.

 

Well, put simply all "laydown" phrases are breakup lines used to soften the blow on the dumpee because the dumper views the breakup as something that's selfish on their part and doesn't want to feel guilty about it. These phrases usually indicate it wasn't mainly "your fault". That's why they give you the whole ambiquity...they fcked with your heart and it was there fault, they know it. They just say these things to take the blame off them(my last ex actually cried a whole week after she dumped me, couldn't even go to school...all due to overwhelming guilt. she hit me with the "ILYBNILWY").

 

These sort of breakups usually take awhile to reconcile. Your best bet would be to leave her alone and stay NC if you want her back. If not NC is still the best way for yourself to heal anyways.

 

I don't know what I want = I don't know if I really want to be with you, I do but not bad enough to stay. I need time to explore, to gain experience, then I will know for sure. Trust my decision.

 

 

So that's my take on it. Now you think that's bad? My last ex that brought me to the forum said this to me when I asked her why she was all over me the last week before she dumped me: "I wanted to love you but I didn't."

 

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!!! lmao.

 

Basically she just isn't "feeling it anymore"...it actually is GiG(grass is greener) syndrome at it's finest.

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These are female words for "I know I can do better than some guy who says I will be tarnished if I dare to have sex with someone besides him." She sensed your parochial attitude and made tracks.

 

My viewpoint on that is based on what she does AFTER the breakup, not during. She's free to do whatever she wants right now; she's not my responsibility. I just hope that she's smart enough to realize that 95% of these guys have one intention: to have sex with her. It's too soon, nobody wants to be a rebound.

 

I know that I can't hold her hand, I have to let her fly. She still has a place in my heart and I still care for her well-being. I'm trying to get this out of my system.

 

What I am ultimately trying to say is that if she decides to be in a rebound relationship, sleep with him, go through the honeymoon phase, then realize that that relationship won't work out, and then tries to come crawling back to me... I wouldn't want to 'settle' for her because I'll feel that her love and body has been tarnished.

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My ex said those words to me....left for another dude not a week later

The whole Grass is Greener BS like brent said and i wont be taking her back. She gave me no warning and she didnt even tell me about her new guy. And now is trying to justify what she did she is making BS reasons why i wasnt good enough for her. I deserve a Woman that will appreciate my love and is mature enough to know what she wants. Lord know it hurts me but i dont need that. I gave her my all and she threw it away cuz she is immature. Her loss, time to find a woman who truly cares for me cuz obviously she didnt

 

nuff said

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What she means is heavily dependent on context, but usually, statements like that mean a combination of 1. She is not as attracted to you or challenged by you as you are to her, 2. There are other men in her life whom she ranks at least equal to you in attraction and who are showing her interest, 3. She is emotionally immature, and 4. You are pressuring her unduly.

 

The best thing to do when hearing statements like "I don't know what I want" from someone whom you don't have a long established trusting relationship with is to totally exit the person's life without making a big show of it. Say, "I understand," without hostility or pressure, and then move on to other options. The worst thing to do is to ramp up the pressure to try to force a decision or to "be there for them" while they make up their minds.

 

The act of saying things like "I don't know what I want," or "I love you but not in love with you," are immature, selfish and vaguely hostile "non-statements" and should be treated as such. If they then decide that they in fact do know what they want down the road, and it includes you, they will let you know.

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What about the persons in a long relationship?

 

I was on a 26 month realtionship with my ex until 2 months ago. It all came down in 2 weeks, we never had a problem then on a Saturday she says "I'm kind of bored and tired", never said anything about us breaking up, we never went out or jung out with our friends so I thought it was a "let's go out more!" conversation, next saturday she says "I don't know what I want right now" and "I don't know how to find myself without pushing you aside" and on the final friday I had to break up with her, not because I wanted to, but because she pushed me.

 

What's your take on that?

 

And I still love her and I'd love to have her back with me. But I'd take her back after we agreed on our problems (she didn't vent and I didn't push her enough) and worked on them.

 

These 2 months have served their purpose, to heal and to think about what went wrong!

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I was on a 26 month realtionship with my ex until 2 months ago. It all came down in 2 weeks, we never had a problem then on a Saturday she says "I'm kind of bored and tired", never said anything about us breaking up, we never went out or jung out with our friends so I thought it was a "let's go out more!" conversation, next saturday she says "I don't know what I want right now" and "I don't know how to find myself without pushing you aside"

 

There are natural cycles of feeling in any relationship, so when you hear this in a long term relationship, it may not be best to just drop out of their lives, but to put some effort into fixing something that both have put lots of effort into.

 

Saying these kinds of things, though, is thoughtless, disrespectful and rude to a S.O. Instead of blabbering out spur of the moment non-statements about nebulous feelings and hurting or confusing an S.O., some thought should be put into specifics.

 

In a relatively new relationship, talk of exes comes up eventually. If I hear "I loved him, but just was not in love with him," or "I couldn't put my finger on it, but something just wasn't right," I will begin making exit plans immediately. Emotionally mature people don't talk like this, and there will be trouble ahead almost guaranteed.

 

Again, generally, in LTRs, the motives for saying things like "I just don't know what I want" are the same as I originally posted, but instead of just walking away immediately, if there is lots of good history between the two, it may not always be a curtain call, that's what I meant.

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Loved your post Brent..absolutely loved it..so true,

 

What do you do when you know you have broken someone's heart, cheated emotionally/mentally, know that you have set them up to love you and commit to you fully,only to leave them when the going got tough for no other reason then getting interested in others....

 

These reconciliations are hard yes..because seeying you is a constant reminder of the guilt they felt or what they have to own up to. Not much people like that have the character to get past that...not many indeed.

 

Sad but true....but the ones who are ready for this truth..will have to move on at one point.

 

I dont know what i want= I dont want you, but i havent (yet) found what i am looking for either..

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The best thing to do when hearing statements like "I don't know what I want" from someone whom you don't have a long established trusting relationship with is to totally exit the person's life without making a big show of it. Say, "I understand," without hostility or pressure, and then move on to other options. The worst thing to do is to ramp up the pressure to try to force a decision or to "be there for them" while they make up their minds.

 

The act of saying things like "I don't know what I want," or "I love you but not in love with you," are immature, selfish and vaguely hostile "non-statements" and should be treated as such. If they then decide that they in fact do know what they want down the road, and it includes you, they will let you know.

 

Great advice...Gosh some great posts here..

 

Lesson learned..if someone ever dares to say those words to me again...i am not gonna cry..not gonna plead..not gonna try to understand.

 

I will say 'ok if that is what you want'..get my bags and leave without one word.

 

(and then cry my eyes out in the car...because it will still hurt)

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There are natural cycles of feeling in any relationship, so when you hear this in a long term relationship, it may not be best to just drop out of their lives, but to put some effort into fixing something that both have put lots of effort into.

 

There's the line I wanted to hear. As I said, it all went down in two weeks. Fist saturday she said she wanted to go out, on the second sunday she started giving me signs that she wanted to break up and I said "I want to work things out and stay together, I don't wanna lose you". Then, she pushed me into breaking up.

 

But this shows that I tried to fight for our relationship, something that means so much to us and that I think it's worth fighting for.

 

Right now we are on a 7 week NC/LC streak. She isn't dating anyone (or so I think) and neither am I (or so I think On monday after reading a thread about increasing your value through vanishing, I decided to block her on MSN and have been "invisible" on Google chat. I don't know if it was a good idea. We even ended on good terms! She called me on my birthday and I did the same on hers.

 

For the first time in a long while, I'm completely clueless over what to do about something.

 

And that little phrase "I don't know how to find myself without pushing you away" keeps repeating in my head.

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Great advice...Gosh some great posts here..

 

Lesson learned..if someone ever dares to say those words to me again...i am not gonna cry..not gonna plead..not gonna try to understand.

 

I will say 'ok if that is what you want'..get my bags and leave without one word.

 

(and then cry my eyes out in the car...because it will still hurt)

 

I don't believe those words warrant a response. Just turn your pretty head and walk away.

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