Jump to content

is there no end??!! (he's moving back)


Recommended Posts

i thought i was over it (it's been two years- and even then it was a long time coming). i've had a new bf for a year who i love very much, who treats me SO much better than the ex ever did. it's serious.

 

today a friend told me my ex is moving back to my town (which i always assumed he would after he finished his other committment) and told me where he'd be working (and, of course, i read into it, thinking that he never would have taken a job like that (one with less prestige but more time for loved ones) when he was with me, but will do it for the new girl (wife?)). i told her not to tell me anything more about him. it's better for me just not to know.

 

but just the feeling from finding that out... it's so apparent some part of me still loves him. i can't stop thinking about him and how he hurt me. will this ever go away?

 

i feel so guilty having feelings like this when i'm with someone else. but i honestly feel in my heart that it'll never be completely okay. that every time i ever accidentally hear about him (we have mutual friends) or (god forbid) run into him or whatever (we haven't talked to each other in over a year), there will still always be some longing there and a lot of pain. is that normal? is there anything i can do? am i a horrible person?!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Please don't beat yourself up over this. Happens to the best of us. I would say that it can be jarring when an ex appears back on the scene, even if you are happily with someone else.

 

Looks like what is going on is that you feel reminded of that "not good enough" feeling your ex gave you. This happens to me sometimes when I bump into my ex, even though I have a bf who I'm very happy with. I can relate. I know if I see him with a gf, it's going to hurt on some level because I was not good enough for him. He thought he could do better and that's why he dumped me...so if I see him with someone else, it'll be like "oh this is the 'better' one." As messed up as that sounds, it would go through my mind, despite the fact that I am now with someone and it feels great that the feeling of liking him and wanting to be together is mutual, unlike with my ex.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There is an end, when you are ready to change to the belief that in your heart you WILL be okay.

 

I like your optimism, R2H. I think that is the right outlook. Bear, I hope it does change for you. For me, I have sort of come to terms with the fact that it won't change. I've done a ton of healing, let years pass, and have been very attracted to and dated other people since then. And I'm happy with my bf. But I still just am not confident that this feeling will go away for me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Looks like what is going on is that you feel reminded of that "not good enough" feeling your ex gave you. This happens to me sometimes when I bump into my ex, even though I have a bf who I'm very happy with. I can relate. I know if I see him with a gf, it's going to hurt on some level because I was not good enough for him. He thought he could do better and that's why he dumped me...so if I see him with someone else, it'll be like "oh this is the 'better' one." As messed up as that sounds, it would go through my mind, despite the fact that I am now with someone and it feels great that the feeling of liking him and wanting to be together is mutual, unlike with my ex.

 

i think that's pretty right on for me. i know he moved on quickly and did a lot of things for/with the new girl that he wasn't willing to do for our relationship. it hurt(s) a lot.

 

but i just wish i could change it. i'm a really logical/rational person in a lot of ways. like, for example, my current bf broke up with his ex, and is dating me now. they broke up way before we ever started dating, but my point is that for her i'm the new girl who she thinks is better than her (i know this to be true, he told me. i have a lot of empathy for the girl!) but do i think this makes me "better" than her? no. it's just my bf's opinion that i'm a better match and/or that it was the right place/right time kind of thing that made us work better. in reality, i'm no prettier/smarter/funnier/better than she is. i'm just different.

 

but when it comes to my ex, i'm totally irrational. it doesnt' feel like that to me. his subjective opinion becomes my objective truth. and the fact that he doesn't want to be with me really hurts. what's so great about HIM?! why do i even care? ha. well, at least i can laugh at it all. but trust me, it hurts more than it's funny!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I understand you totally...none of my previous ex's had the effect on me the way my current does. Before I was able to walk away and not look back. Suppose it was easier because I was younger and I was with my mother. And the other times I had my own place, but now I have neither....it's a very bad feeling.

 

People say money don't buy love and happiness, but from where I sit right now if I had a few more bucks I can buy some peace of mind and start my life over...need money to buy food, rent a place to live, and pay bills.

 

My breakup happened recently, but when or if the day comes this happens to me (lord I hope not) I am not sure how I am going to handle it.

 

All I can say is if you have someone who loves you then hold on to it....feel sorry for this other girl, she got your leftovers.

 

If I find someone oneday and this situation happens to me I am going to remember the hell my life became with my ex and thank my lucky stars that we are no longer together....I do that now even if I miss him, I don't miss the the drama, him not coming home at night, drugs, losers he hangs with, his family harassing me, fighting with everyone...lawd the list is endless....NO THANKS!! And when it comes to sex he was terrible...he was extremely handsome, but on the inside he is like an empty box of cracker jacks.

 

I understand your feelings very well....friend just be happy with the here and now.

 

Have a blessed day/night...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Actually the person who seems to be getting the leftovers is your current boyfriend. If your current boyfriend was really the one you wouldn't have such pain and longing for the ex. The only reaction he would elicit from you is a rolling of the eyes and a "who cares" attitude. The fact that it affects you this badly after this much time means that you are still not over him. Despite loving your current boyfriend, it is clearly not as much as you loved your ex so this current guy is getting sloppy seconds. You can't force yourself to get over someone..that has to happen over time, naturally...but people force themselves into other relationships hoping that would help them heal the wounds, and more often than not it doesn't work. You need to sort out your feelings for your ex..he may no longer be a reality for you but he is still clearly too much in your heart when you are with someone else..and that is not fair to the person you are with.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I disagree with this if it implies (or maybe I'm reading you wrong) that she shouldn't be with someone until those other feelings go away? If that is so, I don't agree. I think that there is only so long a person can pass up getting into new relationships with wonderful people while waiting for lingering feelings such as this to go away. I think for some people a person may never be fully over someone to the point where they roll their eyes and think "who cares."

 

For Bear, maybe it's just a matter of making sure she is over her ex enough to really be with her boyfriend, rather than trying to get to a place of being completely and totally 100% so over her ex that she would be indifferent and not have any feelings either way.

 

I think there is a difference between not being over someone as in wanting to still be with them and moving on and not wanting to be with them but realizing there are some feelings (negative ones about one's self) that comes up when one thinks about that person. I'm not saying you are saying something different (or maybe you are?) but I'm just making an observation.

 

As long as there is sufficient time off and it's not a rebound, I think it might just not be realistic and it might mean missing out on a much better match to wait until the negative feelings about one's self that the ex brings up are totally gone before committing to a new relationship.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I

I think there is a difference between not being over someone as in wanting to still be with them and moving on and not wanting to be with them but realizing there are some feelings (negative ones about one's self) that comes up when one thinks about that person. I'm not saying you are saying something different (or maybe you are?) but I'm just making an observation.

.

 

 

thank you for this. i (obviously) agree. i understand the concern that i am somehow using my new boyfriend, but what can you do? i did NOT date him in an attempt to get over the ex. (i was single for almost a year afterward) i dated him b/c i liked him, and i am still dating him b/c i love him and picture him as the person i will grow old with someday.

 

if my ex showed up at my doorstep this very second and begged for me back, i would say no. honestly.

 

but that doesn't mean i'm not still incredibly hurt by the way things ended, by the things he said, the idea that i wasn't good enough, and by losing someone (who slept with me one day and said i never want to talk to you again literally the next) i once loved so much. i will always love him on some level, i think. he had a certain effect on me that i've never experienced before. but that does not mean that i think he's good for me or that i should be with him. and if that means i should never date anyone else, then, i guess, i'd be single forever!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...