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'Mixed' break up need advice please!


VA1970
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Hey all... I've been reading here for a while and gotten a lot of comfort in tough times so thanks to you all! This is my first time posting though. This is a little long because I want to give you a complete picture but will try to give only the important bits.

 

 

 

I called this a 'mixed' break up because I think there are 2 kinds of break ups:

 

1) You got lazy, unattractive or they found someone they were more attracted to or you just turned them off by being needy, clingy, whiney..etc

 

2) They were madly into you but you took them for granted, (verbally)abused them, abandoned them...to the point they got out to save themselves more hurt, though they were still in love with you.

 

 

My ex is my wife of 1 year, divorce is 2 months old. The waiting period passed while we were reconcilling (so I thought) so when she 'broke up' with me and wanted the divorce it went through 2 weeks later. CRUSHED me out of the blue. To make matters worse I was 2,000 miles away and she dropped the bomb on the phone.

 

Throughout the marriage we both made mistakes (1st for both of us, mid 30's) but I was an insensitive a**hole who took her for granted back. Her horrible communication skills didn't help but I take most of the fault for the failed marriage and caused her many tears

 

So when she filed for divorce she was a wreck and almost suicidal for a couple of weeks. I didn't want the divorce, couldn't get exactly why and didn't show much emotion.

 

Finally 3 weeks later I had to contact her for a financial issue and just hearing her sad voice was enough. The next day I broke down and apologized for 2 hours for everything I had ever done to make her feel unloved, uncherished and worst of all....abandoning her when I got scared. (I left the state)

 

She was so surprised I had that side me I guess, and wanted some time. So a few days later we start talking and she was open to me visiting for 10 days to see if we can reconcile, talking somewhat normally during the few weeks leading up to the trip.

 

WHEN I GOT THERE, however, she was angry like I had never seen. Picking fights and a general b*tch that I had never seen in her. I did my best to weather the storm, thinking I deserved the anger so I just had to stay calm. She would constantly break down crying 'why am I being such a * * * * * to you? I can't stop' I remained calm and tried to be my normal 'confident', affectionate self. Physical chemistry was never our problem, probably one of our greatest strenghts. But she broke down crying a couple times while getting intimate. I didn't push of course.

 

Anyway, when I left we talked only a few times on the phone, her trying to pick a fight over any little thing until finally she had her excuse to end things.

 

That was the 2nd time I was needy, whiney, clingy and a weak emotional mess but when we hung up it was peaceful. Worst 2 weeks of my life but I was NC, she didn't know until I needed 'closure' and asked her to call me. Stupid, but I was a wreck.

 

So I was definitely in the 'drivers seat' througout the first 10 months, then she heard me needy, whiney clingy on the phone 3 x (but not in person)

 

I did find out that there was a guy waiting in the wings but she met him and started building things just before I got there for that last visit) so he definitely affected my attempts to reconcile but she didn't cheat or leave me originally for him. For all I know it's fizzled out by now or is hot and heavy, don't know.

 

2 weeks of NC then I moved back to the state (work related) and left a calm, pleasant voicemail telling her. No response

 

I have done so much soul searching and (internal) self improvement, I'm horrified at the way I treated the girl I loved and married and can't believe the things I said and did to hurt her emotionally. Girls, believe that a man can change for the better when he realizes his loss.

 

The last time we spoke she said she'd 'never trust me again, would never open her heart to me again, couldn't see me because it would be too painful and she's sorry I'm hurting but 'sometimes karma comes back around'' Obviously she's a little angry.

 

3 weeks later I sent a handwritten letter on the advice of a few female friends trying to validate her emotions, her hurt and apologizing for causing it, why I didn't fight the divorce, the self reflection and internal work I've done, and why I'm staying away and letting her be happy but that I'm always here for her and her son if she needs me. No response, it's been 3 weeks.

 

 

Do I go completely dark in NC, attempt to slowly rebuild her trust by being gentle in light contact? 2 different approaches but I hurt her bad for a long time, then became needy whiney a few times and there could still be the other guy?

 

Any and all help is appreciated!

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In the meantime I am doing all the things I need to do....gym, new band, internal improvement, quit smoking, work, new friends, light dating..etc but I will do anything to get my wife back and treat her the way she always deserved to be and willing to be patient and go as slow as needed.

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Thanks for replying and yes, I've been haunted by regret for 2 months and just now learning how to forgive myself. I needed this though, so many personal demons I suspected but never really looked into and addressed.

 

thanks again

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