Jump to content

Recommended Posts

My husband and I normally have a perfect relationship...Most days got by without a hitch and we are happy and smiling...but at times that isn't the case. And it is during those times that I feel nothing but insecurity. Please forgive the length...it is difficult to explain this in just a few words.

 

We have been married for 4 years. The first year was Hell with constant fighting over our kids. (I have 2 from my first marriage, he has 3 from his first marriage and we have full custody of them all.) The day after our 1st anniversary we had an argument...without speaking, he left the room, got his kids and drove 1000 miles away to stay with family. We reunited 6 weeks later.

 

Since then, things have been different. We both made compromises and changes. We rarely disagree at all...but when we do it is always the same thing. Like last night...

 

Two weeks ago, I was driving the kids around to activities...when I got home I checked my Outlook email and noticed an email being sent from my outbox. I went to my sent folder and found that it was an email my husband had mailed to himself...attached to the email was a *private* pic I had taken of him 2 years or so ago. I asked why he would want to email a pic like this to himself...he said he was just checking out our old photos and wanted to see if he could figure out how to email a pic from our computer and didn't know that it would use my Outlook to do it. That didn't make sense to me. Why a dirty pic of just him with his face cut out of it? Why not a pic of the kids? It seemed a bit suspicious and weird to me. But he did what he always does...I wasn't yelling. I was just sitting there looking at him like "What the heck?" and he started in with his famous line..."I don't have to take this..." He gets up and starts to leave the house. I dropped it...We have had only 3 instances of disagreements over the last several months but with every disagreement we have he does the same thing. He gets up, says something to the effect of "screw you" and then he leaves. He usually stays gone for an hour or so.

 

He knows this bothers me...and he also knows this shuts me up...because he is aware that I do not want him to take off and leave the state (and me) again. I'm sure this is why he does it...but it makes me feel so insecure. Because if I am not 100% positive and happy with him all the time he will walk. Last night we went to a Christmas event in town. We rarely EVER go in public together because of our work schedules and responsibilities with the kids...but we did last night. I've spent the last 2 weeks feeling that the "pic" issue went unresolved...so last night I was intent on trying to make things "right" and good. But all night he seemed to push me away. If I walked and stood beside him, he would walk several feet away. If we were walking to an event he would be either several feet in front of me or several feet behind me. But what really hurt my feelings was one incident last night. We were watching a ballet show and I heard him talking behind me. I turned because I couldn't hear him well...and realized he was about 10 feet behind me in a discussion with another woman. I called to him (in a positive way) to come and see the little ballerinas. He appeared to see and hear me but ignored me. I called him twice more before he came up to me. I said "Aren't the cute?" He said "Yeah" and then walked back to the woman he was talking to. I wasn't angry...but my feelings were hurt by his actions. I didn't say a word until we got the kids into bed last night. I then told him that it hurt my feelings that he seemed to be trying to distance himself from me all night. He did what he always does...He asked me if I was "feeling okay." This is his initial defense...to say that I am having mental issues...which makes me more upset than before.

 

The disagreement turned into an argument and within a few minutes he left informing me that "he didn't have to listen to this." He returned an hour later and went straight to bed. We didn't speak last night and didn't speak this morning either although we were both awake and in the same room...

 

For the first time, I don't think I have anything to say...I feel like he is manipulating my insecurities about him leaving...by walking out anytime there is a disagreement. He knows I don't want him to go...so I feel he has developed this process to avoid having to deal with any kind of confrontation. And I have grown tired of it...The last time he left he took almost every dime that we had. Today I have been left checking the online bank register, afraid that at any moment it will be at zero again...How does one live this way?

 

Remember though...from the beginning of this post...95% of the time our relationship is perfect. We talk, we hug, we kiss...we watch movies together and we check in to say "hey, how's it going?" no less than 2 or 3 times a day...We almost NEVER disagree at all...but you know, I'm learning that I cannot disagree...ever...out of fear of being walked on. Is it hopeless? How do you talk to someone about how hurtful this is to you?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You have to decide if the bad times outweigh they good. If they do, and he won't work to fix it, it's time to let go.

 

I think he's very rude and stubborn. If he can't learn to communicate effectively and work problems out rather than run away from them, I don't see how this marriage can last.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

To not disagree and to not argue isn't honest, or safe, or wonderful. It's plastic. People don't agree. And when they love each other, they don't shy away from fights. You have to love someone to be willing to go through having fights with them. You also have to have a lot of love to allow yourself to trust someone, and even more poingantly, to allow another person to trust you and understand you.

 

Don't use the "we don't fight" bit as evidence of a terrific relationships. It's not. I don't fight with strangers either, but it doesn't mean that we're close.

 

Right now, you two are on a collision course for breakup. You need to fix it now and not later. Drastic action is required. While you're still talking, and good most of the time, you need to demand that he see a couple's therapist. Don't fool yourself though. He won't agree to go. In fact, he'll fight you every step of the way and call you crazy while doing it. Don't be deterred though. Be strong.

 

And if this makes him leave you then it's the greatest gift you could ever receive from someone. This means that you are being released by someone who doesn't love you and can then get on with your life again. But if he stays, but balks, then lend a clear ultimatum, a deadline, and create an exit strategy.

 

Your "evidence" by way of dirty pic coupled with his unwillingness to engage is very telling. You could literally go on with "95% of the time it's terrific!" for another 4 years, but is that what you want? I don't blame you one bit if you take that door, but just know that after year 8, it's still going to end, and by that time hate will be singing the ending that love started to say.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It is best that he hear how unfair his treatment of you is from a third party, i.e. marriage counselor.

 

I second marriage counseling. It basically sounds like he doesn't know how to handle conflict, so he avoids it. 95% is great but that 5% sounds pretty crappy. Definitely get some counseling so you can both learn to get along even when you disagree.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...