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Wondering if I can do this for myself


Jake.
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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So today, I woke up extremely sad again with the realization that maybe she won't come back and pondering on how I could've been more easy going than I was at certain times. I was easy going most of the time, but I had my random spurts of being pissed off and not wanting to do things a certain way or just getting irritated for the stupidest * * * * ing reasons and not seeing the good in the present moment.

 

I think I was also addicted to sexual intimacy, as once we started being intimate and lost our virginity to each other, we made love almost every single day, sometimes two+ times. It adds up to hundreds of times over the year and 3 week or so period of it. We were together 2 years, engaged, etc. Background info is in the "Marriage/Long Term Relationship" section in my thread.

 

I see she pulled the "you only wanted me for sex" card when it was clearly a two sided thing and we both enjoyed it very much. We sometimes felt the most emotion and intimacy and connection through it. Often times having the most emotional and connecting conversations before, during, and after.

 

This is the longest I've gone without her in my life since we broke up over a year and a half ago. I thought after that, it would never happen again, especially from what we've always said and felt and talked to each other about.

 

Now I went out for my morning smoke, and started thinking. Can I do this? Before I met her I had this long distance online bull * * * * thing going on with someone and that ended and that was such a joke. It wasn't even real. I wasn't real.

 

After that, and a month or two before I cut off contact with this stupid ass * * * * , I started hanging out with buddies. I started smoking cigs and smoked a lot of weed. I was in a soul searching phase to figure out what I wanted. Then I met my ex fiancee a month into that. Around the time I started to quit smoking weed, she came over to hang out and that's what the started the whole movie, hair, kiss that I mentioned in the background story before.

 

Now what I'm wondering is if I can find myself. If I ever did really find myself before, because looking back I honestly can't remember. I don't think so as I was had only just turned 17.

 

I've always wanted to do certain things. Get my GED as I always had problems with high school and how it worked, it seemed very pointless to me. Find a job I actually enjoy with my limited education? I hated my last job, but sometimes I had good days, mostly bad for how I was treated because I was young, but they often depended on me. How am I supposed to find a job I enjoy with such limited education, even if I get my GED? Can I go to college on a GED? Then comes finding out what to go to college for! If I even can!

 

Then, I've always wanted to be physically fit, which I started exercising yesterday. So I started that path, but I'll have to stick with it and find what works best for my workout, though I've gotten some advice already with The Zone diet and start by using my own body weight.

 

Now, learning to play drums. Always wanted to do this from when I was a little kid banging on pots and pans with wooden spoons. But I never bought a drum set while I was working because I was only focused on my ex fiancee. And barely myself, plus I was always too tired to think about drums, or maybe I just ignored myself personally of what I WANTED TO DO.

 

Getting my license, I made these steps while I was working, I passed the written after a few tries, and had scheduled a drive, but I never went. This annoyed my fiancee, but I never really thought too much of it because I had a 3 month deadline and I never went in that deadline. So I'll have to start over.

 

I almost sold my car, for 300-500 dollars LESS THAN A MONTH AGO, because my fiancee was going to be living with me and we didn't see the need to have it around. I chose not to, and it's a good thing I did, because now I'll need it. More than ever.

 

Also to go to more concerts, more social events like this, and meet new people.

 

I've always wanted to get all of these things in order, but the thought of having some meaningless job to me when I'm in this current state seems like it would destroy me.

 

And being open and close to people, when I've honestly not liked many people around me. And now I'll have more walls up than I ever have before. How can I even trust people? How long will it take?

 

I feel like I've never truly believed in myself since I started struggling in school. How do I get the strength to believe in myself? To go through with all of these things and heal not only my raw wounds from this past relationship, but mostly myself?

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Well 1st and formost u must always always always love urself! You dont love ur self then it's impossible to love others. If ur unhappy with urself it is impossible to be happy with the way others are. You will find out that once you find a way to love urself and i mean truly love urself u will find that most of ur life problems go away

 

With the whole sex thing. I myself have a big sexual appetite. and maybe that let my ex to believe that i was using her for sex. Once she said that i stopped having sex with her. But then she though i was getting from another gurl so i understand ur confusion. Your young man and u can heal up and learn from this. Im not sure how women think but im starting to believe that women will have sex while not fully trusting ur intentions and feeling use if u have sex alot. What i've learned for my next relationship is that maybe a six month rule is in order and let it be known from the start. Say that you really like sex but its caused u problems into women believing ur using them for that sex. Six months should be enough for her to trust me and it would make us that much stronger. Its just trial and error. I know now the things i did that caused drama and distrust and its my job to figure out a better way of aprroching it next time. Cuz there will be a next time.

 

But b4 that next gurl you need to become happy with urself

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I know I need to love myself. And be happy with myself and what I'm doing. But how? How do I get in the right mind set to really boost myself into doing these things I want to do? Especially after such a long committed relationship that I thought would last the tests of time? And what steps do I take? I just don't know.

 

And to trust again? To not let me think everyone is out to * * * * with me or they are too shallow and pointless to give the time of day? I don't see everyone like this, is just seems I'm never able to open up to anyone. Or they just don't care.

 

I really need advice on this.

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Honestly nobody can tell u how to love urself and u cant do it over night. Just look in the mirror. Do u like what u see? if not why? If it is something that u can change then change it. You have to understand that trust takes a LONG time especially after it be violated. I myself do see going out with any or a long while because at this point in my life i dont think any women is deserving off my love cuz so far everyone take it for granted. You need time to heal up b4 you get into another relationship cuz right you need to focus on making urself happy. Its not gonna easy nor quick but once you learn to be happy with urself u can be completely happy with another woman. Being happy and loving urself doesnt come with instructions cuz everyone is different. Its something that u have to do urself

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Jake you listed things in your original post that you can work on. Things that will better yourself.

 

1) Get your GED. This is important and you will feel accomplishment from this.

 

2) Become physically fit. Working out not only makes you feel better about yourself, it makes you healthier, and makes you look good too.

 

3) Drums. If this is something you've always wanted to do, why not do it? I have a feeling this would be a great release as well.

 

4) License. This is extremely important to have in life, and it will allow you to have freedom in a sense.

 

5) Social events. This is a great way to meet new people, and meet new friends. Also a great way to meet women (when you are ready).

 

It will not be easy to do these things at all in your current state. I understand this, I've felt this.

 

I can tell you that improving yourself is one of the best things you can do during a breakup. It makes you feel better about yourself, and it opens you up to new opportunities for the future.

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It sounds like you haven't been totally honest with yourself. It is no easy task btw. When you are more comfortable with yourself the walls will start to come down and open more and more possibilities to you and your life. Finishing some of what you have started in the past will give you a sense of accomplishment and pride in yourself. Take one thing you mentioned above and finish it. Then move onto the others that are truly important to your life. As you work to this end you will see a change in yourself and how people perceive you. I wish you the best on your journey.

 

lost

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I've been sticking to my diet and exercise, I'm on day 2. It does help me feel good a bit, and feel the burn and tightening, but it doesn't last very long. Maybe if I stick to it for longer I'll see better results of feeling good by it. I've been looking myself in the mirror and telling myself I am a great person and I deserve to love myself and to find happiness within myself. At least a couple times a day.

 

I know this is the biggest event in my life I've had yet. Thing is, I know it will take a while, but I'm trying to throw myself in it as quick as possible. Which is what I've started, and it'll be hell for to me to get where I want to be but I know I HAVE to do it.

 

I just like to talk about my current status, how I'm doing, what I'm thinking and feeling. It feels like it is a lot of the process in itself, or just a way of going through it without bottling it all in my mind.

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I'm also starting to realize, maybe I'm better off this way? After I posted a little bit ago after my workout and shower, I went for my daily walk with my head held high. Watching cars pass by, people, and telling myself "I can do this."

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I've also always believed that everything happens for a reason. I do see this as a jump start like you said. Getting things in order I never thought I'd really do. Haircut was a small thing, getting my eyes examined and ordering glasses, a little. Working out and dieting, a little bigger. Other things I want to do will come with time because I know I'll do them.

 

My ex fiancee's mother drove by me while I was walking, I had my head held high and a strong look on my face because I felt it. She probably expected this horrible sad mother * * * * er. My ex also drove by me the other day, same thing, but not as strong. I can feel myself gaining from this already, which is a good sign. I'm sure I'll have some mental and emotional "hits" or whatever still, obviously. But I'm human, and I'm alive, and I know I can do it. But it's a hell of a ride already.

 

And I really appreciate the advice, or just the talking. Ashsun, PJPaul, lostandhurt, and everyone else. I know I'll be here everyday for a while.

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Don't mention it man. Most of us are right beside you dealing with the pain, and I know first hand how much it hurts. I also know first hand that we will all heal and be okay again. The sooner the better, right?

 

I know that talking it out helps me a ton, and helping others helps a lot too.

 

You have a great attitude about it. Your last post really shows me that you're going to be just fine Jake.

 

"I'm sure I'll have some mental and emotional "hits" or whatever still, obviously. But I'm human, and I'm alive, and I know I can do it."

 

Couldn't have said it better myself. Just stay strong, take everyday as it is, and learn from this. Grow from this. Everything happens for a reason. Pain comes and goes, but it's when we pick ourselves up from being knocked down, and we look at ourselves in the mirror, and we say "I can do this."

 

That shows true character.

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You know the hardest thing is sleeping at night I think. When everyone around me is sleeping, I feel this, alone feeling. It used to comfort me at night to feel that, like this is just my time. Maybe I'll get back to that some day, but now it's really hard. And to be in the bed, I think I will have to get a new one soon.

 

Luckily for me the working out tires me a bit, so I can sleep easier. I slept for about 10 hours last night, when I'd been getting the odd 3 or 4 for days. I think that is also helping me think a little more clearly, but I know more pain will come, I just have to find strength to get through it. Especially on Christmas and new years, ah * * * * .

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Christmas and New Years is going to suck, i'll probably be on here quite a bit around then.

 

Also, yeah it really sucks at night. Everyone's sleeping in my house, and the TV is off, and it's friggin quiet. To be honest I usually stay up until I feel so tired I'm about to pass out, and that way I don't have so much trouble.

 

I feel the same about working out too, it has a lot of benefits doesn't it? haha.

 

Everyday it gets a little easier. Might just be an inch when you're going accross a football field, but it's still an inch. Just gotta keep on moving man. It will get better.

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I'm having a hard time. Just thinking about her destroys me. How she could do this to me so easy after all we've had together. I don't even feel like continuing at this point. She was my life, and it sounds bad because I guess it really is. But she was, even when I was working for 6 months 5 days a week, 9 to 11 hours a day. I just can't believe she can do this to me after we had SO MUCH TOGETHER. It's * * * * ing destroying me!

 

Should I return her clothes she left here? They are packed in a bag, and I probably should just go throw it on her porch. I don't want to see her house again. Maybe I should leave it at her work. * * * * it doesnt matter anyway..I don't know how I'll get through this. I've always been a very emotional person, and this is just too much. I never thought I'd have to be here, and that is not my fault.

 

Suicide seems so easy at this point, not having to deal with the years to come, and all of life. Or even trying. What if I die tomorrow? What if I die a year from now? What would be the point then? Would she even care if I died? If I even killed myself? If I got some deadly disease and told her, would she care? What would that do to me? I get so torn about this.

 

I have feelings of feeling good like I can do this. I get sad. I miss her, I think how she'll never be here to do anything with again. To hug me, kiss me, tell me she loves me, that she "lover her bubby."

 

I can't do this. I just can't. And like I said, nights are the worst. I'm alone at this point, there is no one awake that I can go to just in case I need help. I don't know what to do. Everyone says time heals all wounds, etc, well I don't feel like waiting. I've waited for things before and looked what happened. Completely different I know, but this is too much. The thought of finding myself and who I am, because I asked myself who am I? Who is Jacob? He is an empty shell. He is empty. What are my interests? I have none. She was my life. Anything I enjoyed before, no longer makes me feel that way. It seems empty, it seems part of my problem.

 

People say stay strong, you can get through this, a lot of people have. But you know, this is just way too much for me to handle. All I do is think all day, all night, I think, all day, all night. I think about the times to come, the holidays are just around the corner. It's going to be snowing here in probably less than a week, and that right there brings me down anyway. And now I can't even imagine how much more it will bring me down. Preventing me even more from getting out. Going outside for a walk. I just don't know.

 

Why can't I be happy? I think I more than deserve it. Why do I have to be so attached and in love? Why?! Why did I lose all sense of myself but think I knew myself? Why did this happen? Why was I just a crutch for so long, through all of her troubles and then scraped off and left behind like * * * * beneath her shoe? I've done so much for her. SO MUCH. AHHHHH

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