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This hurt is an opportunity to change your life


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I wish I had seen this site back in August. My girlfriend of 2.5 years walked on me after I gave her an ultimatum to either stop partying with her friends and come rolling in bombed after 3am a couple times a week or walk. She chose door #2 and walked. There was a big age gap - 40 vs. 25 - so i could understand her need to do her 20-something gig but we were living together, had initially been in a very loving and and I didn't feel it right that she lead two lives. I was devasated when she walked and descended into the personal hell so familiar to all of us on this site.

 

This was my first real devastating loss of a love relationship. I got divorced 5 years ago and in the crisis that ensued just kind of shut down my emotions and gutted it out via work and working out. But I never addressed anything and didn't go inside to ask the tough questions.

 

I digress because this time I have done the emtional heavy lifting: reading, journaling, complete NC policy with my ex-girlfriend that i have not broken, talking with good friends. So while I still hurt - it does get better each week and I have come to view the ending of my relationship as a triggering event in my life that simply demanded that I take a hard look at who I am and why I seem to replicate dysfunction with women in each relationship.

 

I guess what i have learned is this: you hurt like hell and sometimes think you can't go on but you will; turn into the pain instead of away from it and be true to the very real process of grieving your loss; hard as it is, treat this as an opportunity to truly learn about and improve yourself and pattern interrupt relationship dysfunction. For example, turns out every woman I have ever loved had a dysfunctional family and bad relationship with her mother. And I had never even noticed my subconscious attraction to and need to "save" these good but broken woman. And what is it in me that subconsciously goes there? I am still working through the answers but I am willing to ask the questions.

 

So I hope you take this as a message of hope. Its been 4 months and I am coming up the other side of the valley. I hurt to the core of my sould and profoundly loved my girlfriend. I still hurt but it gets better every week. I urge you to use your pain and this time in your life to look within, find who and how good you truly are and make those changes that will make your next love relationship everything you desire. True love begins in your own heart - until you love You then you can never truly love another and your relationships will always be about need/attachment versus the beautiful communion between two whole people.

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