This sucks, doesn't it?

[sillygurl]

I broke up with my boyfriend of three years about a month and a half ago... we've been close, seeing each other at least 2-3 times a week, and even snuggling together some nights. We've been working on rebuilding the friendship we had before we get together, and it's been great!

 

I just wanted some space to get over some crappy things he'd done in the past, so we could start over- I was carrying too much resentment and sadness that I needed to move on from, but I figured we'd get back together in time. He means so much to me, and I him, that I wanted to get some distance from the hurt feelings.

 

I was asked out on a date for Saturday, and I accepted, but I already knew I wasn't into it- I just said yes so I could get my mind onto other things, try to heal myself and give my ex some space. The new guy is great, he really is, I just don't have the capacity to feel very much for anyone right now, and I've known this for a few days.

 

Tonight I found out my ex met someone new, a few days ago. He's only talked to her once, and met her once, but he no longer wants to spend time together or be around me at all anymore. I am crushed! I sobbed, acted like a fool- and he's only known her a few days! How can she mean so much to him so quickly?!

 

The thought of him dating her, being with her, taking her out to places he took me to, it just kills me. I can't imagine the thought of him sleeping with her, it's burning a hole in my heart! I feel like I'm dying inside... I know that now I just need to just get over it and face facts, but oh my god, this is horrible. I can't stop crying...! I still love him enough that I want the best for him, and I'll be happy for him if he makes her happy, but... it really is killing me. Ug.

 

Anyway, just wanted to vent. Misery.

[Timebandit]

How can she mean so much to him so quickly?!

 

She doesn't necessarily mean that much to him already (odds are that she does not). She is probably just the rebound girl. It has nothing to do with you.

 

But at least he has realised that since the two of you now are ex'es you are way to close to each other. Seeing each other 2-3 times a week and snuggling together is more than a friendship. Seems like you had difficulty letting him go as a BF and ended up somewhere in the middle between friends and partners.

 

It is much harder now, but you will heal faster when the two of you are not spending so much time together.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This is a common occurrence in breakups where there is ambiguity and hanging on to the relationship. You say you ultimately wanted to get back together with him but the fact that you made a choice to date someone else shows that you were sitting on the fence. Did he know you went out on a date? You can't condemn him for dating when you yourself dated while at the same time snuggling and cuddling with him. The nature of your relationship with your ex was ambiguous and he may have felt like he was being used...you snuggle with him one minute and go out on a date with someone else the next minute. I don't blame him for looking elsewhere. It is early days so this may not amount to anything, but it sounds like he is trying to put your relationship in the past to move on because he may feel that you are not interested in getting back together, just in having him around.

[sillygurl]

She doesn't necessarily mean that much to him already (odds are that she does not). She is probably just the rebound girl. It has nothing to do with you.

 

 

AWESOME!!!! YES YES YES! this is what I want to hear.

 

But at least he has realised that since the two of you now are ex'es you are way to close to each other. Seeing each other 2-3 times a week and snuggling together is more than a friendship. Seems like you had difficulty letting him go as a BF and ended up somewhere in the middle between friends and partners.

 

It is much harder now, but you will heal faster when the two of you are not spending so much time together.

 

nooooo, not what I want to hear, though I get that it's probably true. it's killing me. I just wanted a break to sort out my feelings, I didn't want a permanent break. He'd betrayed me in the past, and been dishonest. I wanted to heal my hurt feelings over the dishonesty, so I could stop bringing it up and we could move beyond the ugly past, and into the future. I didn't think of it as a permanent break, he didn't either...

 

Now I feel like it's too late and... I just can't stand it. I hate myself for the stupid mistakes I've made. My divorce didn't even hurt this much. I really feel like I'm falling apart... In my fantasy world, he dates her for a little while and realizes how great I am...

 

Oh crap, now I'm crying again. This is terrible, I have finals.

[sillygurl]

Oops, that did sound bad. No, I was asked out on a date a few days ago, and I said yes. I don't want to date this other person, I just agreed to go out in order to gain some perspective and have a nice time. The new guy is also currently going through a breakup; I just thought it would be a nice way to distract myself and him.

 

Arrrrrgh... I'm in hell

[emalkoc]

well, now you learned that there are consiquences for everything you do....

 

the relationships are not a game like giving space etc...it is about more communication. If you broke with him, then he is free to do whatever he wants even if it is not serious.

 

grow up and move on!

 

agree with CADs.

[sillygurl]

well, now you learned that there are consiquences for everything you do....

 

the relationships are not a game like giving space etc...it is about more communication. If you broke with him, then he is free to do whatever he wants even if it is not serious.

 

grow up and move on!

 

agree with CADs.

 

ouch.

 

I broke up with him because I got caught up in a moment of extreme anger- I found out that he'd betrayed me once again, and I let him have it, I was so hurt and angry!

 

Later that night he called to tell me that he'd remedied the situation, and I realized that he finally had become trustworthy.

 

I made it very clear all along that he's the only one I want, but that he was free to see other people and get the "betrayals" out of his system. I thought I was doing the right thing for both of us, giving us both time and space to heal our hurt feelings. I thought we were working on a friendship, so that we could, in turn, strengthen our relationship.

 

I didn't know he'd move on so quickly.

 

I feel like a huge, ugly, stupid, boring loser. This is why I needed time to heal, because his betrayals made me feel like a worthless, uninteresting, embarrassing, boring idiot, and I really wanted to get healthy in my head again and build up my confidence & self esteem before I trusted him with my heart again.

 

I feel like I'm dying inside.

[emalkoc]

ouch.

 

 

I didn't know he'd move on so quickly.

 

 

 

I feel like I'm dying inside.

 

This is seen so common on this board that people take their partners for granted!

 

Love is not a game but You have to play it Hard.

 

I came to my own conclusion that you can loose a LOVE one with a very simple event or gain them back. It is very delicate precious thing we own sometimes. You have to take care of them very carefully...

[sillygurl]

This is seen so common on this board that people take their partners for granted!

 

Love is not a game but You have to play it Hard.

 

I came to my own conclusion that you can loose a LOVE one with a very simple event or gain them back. It is very delicate precious thing we own sometimes. You have to take care of them very carefully...

 

emalkoc: do you have any suggestions as to how I could have handled things differently? If trying to give us both space to heal and move on was a bad idea, what should I have done?

 

Thanks.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This is seen so common on this board that people take their partners for granted!

 

Love is not a game but You have to play it Hard.

 

I came to my own conclusion that you can loose a LOVE one with a very simple event or gain them back. It is very delicate precious thing we own sometimes. You have to take care of them very carefully...

 

I totally agree with this.

 

Sillygurl, what do you mean that he betrayed you again? Was he eyeing other women while you were together? Your comment leads me to believe that he was not totally faithful emotionally. If that's the case then you were justified in breaking up with him like that and I am not sure why you would want him back if he keeps betraying you.

[Timebandit]

ouch.

 

I broke up with him because I got caught up in a moment of extreme anger- I found out that he'd betrayed me once again, and I let him have it, I was so hurt and angry!

 

Later that night he called to tell me that he'd remedied the situation, and I realized that he finally had become trustworthy.

 

How could he remedy the situation and suddenly become trustworthy?

[sillygurl]

I totally agree with this.

 

Sillygurl, what do you mean that he betrayed you again? Was he eyeing other women while you were together? Your comment leads me to believe that he was not totally faithful emotionally. If that's the case then you were justified in breaking up with him like that and I am not sure why you would want him back if he keeps betraying you.

 

Exactly- he'd done more than eyeing in the past, and it was really hard for me to learn to forgive him. His betrayal the night I broke up with him was minor, I just couldn't stand the feelings of betrayal anymore and I lost it! I saw an email he'd sent to this girl that was flirty and making negative comments to her about me behind my back.

 

The thing is, this time, he realized why what he had done was wrong, and actually fixed it. He remedied it by telling her, in no uncertain terms, that he hadn't meant for his email to sound disparaging of me. I didn't find this out till later... but when I did find out, I was floored, and so happy! I felt like he finally understood how terrible it felt when he did hurtful things behind my back, and for the first time, he knew not to do it again and actually fixed the situation. I felt like we were growing together.

 

So here it is, we went through these difficult things together, and finally have a breakthrough, and I'm finally getting over all the hurt and anger of being cheated on and learning to trust him again.... I guess I waited too long to completely heal and move forward, because now he's met someone else.

 

Is there something wrong with me that it took me too long to get over the past?

 

Should I just assume that I'm innately flawed, and not as interesting as this new (likely prettier, skinnier and cooler) girl? That's how I feel right now, like I'm just a huge, unlovable loser.

 

I don't even want to go out on the date I have planned for Saturday, but I don't want to disappoint the new guy. I feel like I can't do anything right. I feel worthless and stupid.

[emalkoc]

sounds like you guys have a serious communication issue. Too much guessing game between you too...based on what you have written...

 

if in fact he has been betraying you, thats a problem! but it is not his only mistake, you must have contributed some too...remember relationships are two people's outcomes...You cannot blame everything onto him..

 

Based on what you wrote so far, what dont you have a candid talk with him? tell him what you feel not what you think and listen what he thinks not what he feels...

 

good luck!

[Timebandit]

The thing is, this time, he realized why what he had done was wrong, and actually fixed it. He remedied it by telling her, in no uncertain terms, that he hadn't meant for his email to sound disparaging of me. I didn't find this out till later... but when I did find out, I was floored, and so happy! I felt like he finally understood how terrible it felt when he did hurtful things behind my back, and for the first time, he knew not to do it again and actually fixed the situation. I felt like we were growing together.

 

I was asking about how he remedied the problem because I know many people do or promise to do many things in the heat of risking losing a loved one. They just tend to go back to "regular behaviour" once the dust has settled.

 

Is there something wrong with me that it took me too long to get over the past?

 

No. But you probably did not communicate clearly about what you wanted.

 

Should I just assume that I'm innately flawed, and not as interesting as this new (likely prettier, skinnier and cooler) girl? That's how I feel right now, like I'm just a huge, unlovable loser.

 

You deserve to be treated well and to be in a relationship with someone who deserves your trust. This was apparently not the case in this relationship, since he needed to face the music before beginning to remedy the problem. The fact that you broke up with him is likely because you know this deep down already. So trust your instincts.

 

YOU DESERVE BETTER

 

Ok?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

sounds like you guys have a serious communication issue. Too much guessing game between you too...based on what you have written...

 

if in fact he has been betraying you, thats a problem! but it is not his only mistake, you must have contributed some too...remember relationships are two people's outcomes...You cannot blame everything onto him..

 

Based on what you wrote so far, what dont you have a candid talk with him? tell him what you feel not what you think and listen what he thinks not what he feels...

 

good luck!

 

 

I agree with the fact that you need to have a candid talk with him. However the wandering eye is down to him not you. I think the fact that he met someone already and is blowing you off is not too surprising in light of the fact that he easily betrayed you during the relationship. Whatever strides he made may not have been permanent. Yes, I think there were definitely communication issues at the end..and certainly you agreeing to go out on a date sends the wrong message to him...but he could have communicated better as well considering you were both spending a lot of time together even post break up. Quite frankly I think you are better off without him...people should inherently know that cheating is wrong, and that you don't flirt with someone else and trash your girlfriend. Fine he made amends...but the fact that he would do it in the first place considering everything else he has done is disconcerting. I really don't think he would be that trustworthy in the long run. You would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. He has a wandering eye and people like that don't generally change too much.

[sillygurl]

However the wandering eye is down to him not you. I think the fact that he met someone already and is blowing you off is not too surprising in light of the fact that he easily betrayed you during the relationship. Whatever strides he made may not have been permanent.

 

Quite frankly I think you are better off without him...people should inherently know that cheating is wrong, and that you don't flirt with someone else and trash your girlfriend. Fine he made amends...but the fact that he would do it in the first place considering everything else he has done is disconcerting. I really don't think he would be that trustworthy in the long run. You would always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. He has a wandering eye and people like that don't generally change too much.

 

 

First off, thanks so much to all of you for all your sage advice! I appreciate that you all care, I didn't even expect to get a reply.

 

CAD: You're exactly right, I WAS waiting for the other shoe to drop... constantly! I was distrustful even though he tried to show me he wasn't going to cheat anymore, and even when things were great I'd have this nagging feeling of, "what next, what next, how did I make him so disgusted by me..."

 

I have become this really insecure person with absolutely no self esteem anymore, I am constantly doubting myself, and my resentments kept resurfacing in our conversations- I just kept verbalizing my self loathing about the whole thing... he felt guilty for hurting me and I kept hurting him by asking about it, trying to figure out how and why and what I did wrong. That's why I needed the space, to get over it and move on so we could rebuild our relationship from the ground up.

 

I don't blame him for the way I feel about myself now, I know that my feelings are all my own creation, but those horrible thoughts kept running through my mind: "she wasn't even pretty- she had terrible grammar and terrible skin and was completely nuts, but he wanted her more. She was less educated, less accomplished, and darn it... she wasn't even PRETTY at all but SHE HAD TO BE PRETTIER THAN ME OR HE WOULDN'T HAVE WANTED HER MORE THAN ME!

 

I kept asking him, what was it that I lacked that she had? What was so great about her that he chose to throw our relationship away, how was she better than me?! He never had an answer. And every time I asked, even if I said it nicely, or non confrontationally, he'd just get upset for making me feel so bad, I could tell the shame was killing him, but I couldn't stop wondering what was it that she had, that I didn't.

 

What a mess. So I ask for a break, we get along better than we had in ages because all the pressure is off... we're being friends and having fun together, and all of a sudden, BOOM. He met someone new a few days ago and now we are no longer friends, I am no longer in his life. This new girl, who he's only just met, is so special and important that suddenly wants me gone.

 

I'm crushed... I miss the friend he was. I miss the fun we had together, and apparently can never have again now. Suddenly he thinks it's pointless to be friends, and he doesn't want me in his life anymore, and I feel like I'm dying inside. I miss the fact that our friendship was shaping up so nicely, that we were slowly shifting gears from lovers into good friends in a way that was healthy and comfortable for both of us. It was just so sudden, I feel like I've been punched in the stomach and am gasping for air.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The thing is when you make a choice to forgive someone for cheating then you have to put the past behind you. Throwing it in his face because of your insecurities is the way to help fracture the relationship even further. He probably realized that the one he cheated with did not hold a candle to you..that's why he wanted to work things out with you...yet he still continued with his wandering eye so that wasn't exactly healthy for you...he was not completely sorry for his cheating ways because he still made plays for other women. Don't beat yourself up over this..the issue is within him..the fact that you felt so insecure with him means that he was the wrong person for you.

[sillygurl]

He probably realized that the one he cheated with did not hold a candle to you..that's why he wanted to work things out with you...yet he still continued with his wandering eye so that wasn't exactly healthy for you...he was not completely sorry for his cheating ways because he still made plays for other women. Don't beat yourself up over this..the issue is within him..the fact that you felt so insecure with him means that he was the wrong person for you.

 

Thank you for your kind words, and the honest facts. I think you're right, I really think my insecurity stemmed from the fact that I really couldn't trust him... but he was finally working on it the last few months.

 

He's seeing someone else this weekend, I think I'm going to try NC for a bit. Maybe commit to a week for now, and keep posting here when I want to contact him in the future!

 

I'm feeling a lot better today, I met a really nice guy going through the same thing so I feel much less alone. Thanks again, everyone!