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Decode her actions, please!


device04

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Hi,

 

It's been a while since I've been in a situation like this, and I've never been very good at decoding signals, SO if someone can help me out on this it would be most appreciated!

 

Basically there's this girl that I know through a friend and during the last week or so we've started hanging out quite a bit. We went to a club with a group of friends last week and ended up dancing together for much of the night. At one point I actually put my arm around her and she sort of held my hand for a short while (cheesy and kind of naive to read into this probably). Up until this point, we had probably met and hung out with one another less than 5 times and always in a larger group setting.

 

Now, she had mentioned she wanted to go bike riding so over the weekend I called her up and we went for a bike ride. She ended up hanging out at my place until around 3 am chatting with me and a roommate before I walked her home. During this LONG hang out session conversation flowed readily and there was flirting and touching that all seemed to go over well on both sides. The next day she invites me to hang out with her and her cousin who is visiting town for a couple weeks, which is all well and good, until he starts asking her if she's been dating, etc. She mentions not really but that she usually thinks of everything as hanging out (it seems to me that she has a lot of guy friends in general vs. girl friends), but then turns to ask me what I think. I give a non committal answer and feel very awkward about the whole conversation.

 

Yesterday she IMs me and we sort of on-and-off chat for a few hours and make plans to meet up for a jog this morning. Now today is the first day of the new semester and we are actually in class together as well. After class we have lunch together, then go to a cafe and study the whole afternoon, with a couple friends joining later in the day. Again, conversation is real easy and there's physical contact, flirting, etc. However, today she starts throwing in comments about how i should pick up other girls and how she wants to see me pick someone up (mind you, I have told her during the course of the day's conversation that I am not one to pick up girls, period) and I just tell her I'm fine with present company. Basically, I am under the impression that she may be interested due to the increase in hanging out this week and the physical flirtation that takes place, but I'm also confused by her verbal cues telling me to pick up other girls or about how "so and so time" where she saw some hot guy, etc.

 

Is she just testing me or is she just really not interested in anything more than just friends? I don't think she's the type to lead people on but at the same time, it seems she does attract male friends much easier than female friends and I'm not sure what's going on.

 

Any thoughts or suggestions would be appreciated. I don't really want to do anything too drastic since we are going to be in a class of only 6 students for the next 3 months. Rather, I guess I just want to be able to temper my own expectations going forward.

 

Thanks everyone!

 

-A

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To me it sounds like she really likes hanging out with you but when she tells people she hasn't been dating when you guys have spent so much time together & "you should pick up girls", I think she is trying to tell you that you guys are just friends. If you really enjoy her company you should keep hanging out with her. You could ask her out at the end of the semester if she is interested in more so that way if she says no, it won't be awkward sitting next to each other for a long time. I wonder if she is not interested in a relationship with anyone right now, maybe because of a past bad experience or she just enjoys the freedom of not being committed to anyone. So instead she hangs out with a bunch of guy friends. I think if you asked her out now she would just say no.

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You haven't made a move yet. When she was over at your place was the perfect time. Yet you never did anything to let her know you were really interested in more than friendship. This is a confusing signal to send her.

 

Then her cousin starts asking her about if she's been dating, and you feel awkward about it? Perhaps because you haven't made a move? And she asks you what you think about it. There is another opportunity for you to clarify your position. You could have told her "What do I think? I think that you and I should go out on a date Thursday. There's this place I was wanting to take you." Boom, done. Interest displayed, you rose to the challenge, stood up for your desires, etc. But instead you shriveled up and felt awkward.

 

 

 

She's trying to get you to tell her SOMETHING, ANYTHING. You're just hanging out as pals doing nothing and this is very frustrating to her. She isn't sure what your intentions are because all you are doing is hiding your intentions. You think she is going confusing? She is being confusing because she is confused by you. You're the guy, you're the one who is supposed to make the first move but you haven't. You've lally gagged every time you've been together. It is WAY past time for you to make a move.

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She ended up hanging out at my place until around 3 am chatting with me and a roommate before I walked her home. During this LONG hang out session conversation flowed readily and there was flirting and touching that all seemed to go over well on both sides.

 

You're roommate screwed it up for you, honestly. If I would've saw my homie rapping with a girl at our place at 3am I would've stayed in my room and gave him some privacy. That's a MAJOR violation. Not neccessarily because you were trying to smash that, but because that's your time to kick a little game and work on your status with her. That was red flag "1."

 

I give a non committal answer and feel very awkward about the whole conversation.

 

Agree with dating coach, that was the next red flag "2." Maybe she shouldn't have put you on the spot like that, but she did it to see how you would react around others who might consider you all exclusive. I am sure you're a nice guy and all, but this really was the deal breaker when you froze on her.

 

Yesterday she IMs me and we sort of on-and-off chat for a few hours and make plans to meet up for a jog this morning. Now today is the first day of the new semester and we are actually in class together as well. After class we have lunch together, then go to a cafe and study the whole afternoon, with a couple friends joining later in the day. Again, conversation is real easy and there's physical contact, flirting, etc. However, today she starts throwing in comments about how i should pick up other girls and how she wants to see me pick someone up (mind you, I have told her during the course of the day's conversation that I am not one to pick up girls, period) and I just tell her I'm fine with present company. Basically, I am under the impression that she may be interested due to the increase in hanging out this week and the physical flirtation that takes place, but I'm also confused by her verbal cues telling me to pick up other girls or about how "so and so time" where she saw some hot guy, etc.

 

She started to get the feeling that you weren't interested. A women's ego is very fragile to rejection. So she tried to turn the tables on you and make it seem like she was rejecting you.

 

Is she just testing me or is she just really not interested in anything more than just friends? I don't think she's the type to lead people on but at the same time, it seems she does attract male friends much easier than female friends and I'm not sure what's going on.

 

You tried, man. You sound like a good dude, but I think you probably blew this one. I've done it too, we all have. Next time just try to be a little more assertive and make sure you tell your roommate to rollout. There was no reason for him to be posted up in the same room with you and your date for the evening at 3am.

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Thanks guys for your responses. Very good insight. I certainly could not have come up with this stuff myself.

 

Just some more things to add to the situation. We are both Americans who are living abroad at this time. I am only here another 6 months while she will be here for at least another year, if not longer. The "roommate" is a local guy with a long-term girlfriend, etc and she was aware of all of this. Do you think this plays any role at all in what may transpire? Has the window officially closed?

 

I definitely admit to shriveling under pressure and I definitely didn't step up to the plate. Looking back she's definitely given me chances to step up and I've never taken the bait. I guess I'm still reluctant to step up mainly because we'll be in class together every morning for the next 3 months. I will say that today I mentioned that I had to stay near school for lunch and she elected to stay behind and eat with me. Not sure if there's anything to it beyond her just enjoying having someone to hang with.

 

Once again, thank you guys for your advice and kind words. Always appreciate having this outlet to get honest support and help.

 

-A

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Hey guys,

 

Perhaps thinking too much about this but also wondering, now that I think I'm ready to make my move, what should I suggest we do for a date? We've already gone out to lunch, just the two of us, the last two days and we hung out almost all afternoon at a coffee shop yesterday too. I know that dinner, coffee, and/or drinks (she doesn't really drink) are the popular choices, but we've already been doing that. We live in a big metropolitan city so the usual activities are available, just in a different language! I've bought into the idea of Dating Coach's (and I'm sure others as well) that there is only a limited time before getting stuck into "friendzone."

 

Also, I was introduced to her by a mutual friend. Is it advisable to go through this friend to see if she knows anything? It's this friend that told me last week that the girl I'm into thought I was "nice", which I've been told is not a good sign if a girl thinks you are "nice".

 

Let me know what you all think. Much appreciated as always.

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I wouldn't say you are doomed if you're labeled "nice". Maybe this girl you like isn't that close to the person who introduced you two, or maybe she doesn't like to tell people if she has feelings for someone. Personally I don't share information like that with even good friends until I'm already dating the person I would say is "nice".

 

Have you heard of the Trans Siberian Orchestra? I don't know if they have it in the country you are in, but look into doing something like that. I've heard the concert is awesome & you don't have to worry about language barriers much as it is mostly musical instruments. Taking her to something like that would be cool.

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You have gotten some excellent advice here, just wanted to add one thing. When they say start with the "you should pick up other girls," in my experience, if statements like that are accompanied by IOIs on her part (wanting to spend lots of time with you, touching you etc.) it is almost always an indication that she herself is interested, and is pressing you for some indication of your returned interest, or is confused about your intentions. There is a small chance she is trying to defuse interest that she perceives in you, but not a high chance if the IOIs are present.

 

When hearing things like this, don't give the straightforward response, use it as an opportunity to flirt. For example, you could respond by breathing in your hand as if checking your breath, looking around puzzled for a second in a joking way, then leaning in close to her, give her your most devilish smile and say, "did you have someone particular in mind that I should be picking up?" then keep her gaze until she looks away. This is just an example, any specific flirting should be context specific.

 

But as others say, it's time to ask her out directly; you will find out immediately how she feels. If she is into you, study abroad is incredible for romance. If she isn't into you, don't waste your six months trying to build something gradually. There are tons of incredibly beautiful women in Taipei.

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omg just call her out on a date and if she agrees cool, if not big deal.

 

IMO she's trying to get some sort of a reaction from you - to give you a push to ask her out/define weather you have any interest in her......

 

if i'm right and you keep doing nothing like you do now soon she'll give up on you.

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"She started to get the feeling that you weren't interested. A women's ego is very fragile to rejection. So she tried to turn the tables on you and make it seem like she was rejecting you."

 

Very nice post. Truth speaks the truth!

 

This is actually really common, and it's what I've been trying to say about the girl in the last thread I started a few weeks back. I've been there too man!

 

Even though in my case, she took it a step further and got back with her ex.

 

So it's much, much worse, lol.

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