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trying to deal with a very painful past


mr me
How to leave an abusive relationshi...
How to leave an abusive relationship and why it's so hard

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I dont know for about 2 years ive been going thru so much it almost doesnt seem to be real or i cant look at it like it was real. Im still struggling alot but im starting to do somewhat better. I had it the worst i think ever the other day because my brother had a girl talking to him thinking about losing her virginity to him. That brought back alot of repressed memories of my ex which i dont know how much i can go into it. I will just say that she lost her virginity to someone that i still dont even begun to comprehend how it happened. I know our relationship was getting really bad but i will say alot of that had to do with her. I guess i shouldnt be so stuck on it but dealing with how it all happened and how i had to deal with memory loss because of it, its pretty crazy. The whole time i was with her was completely blocked out. I can say ive been trying to deal with alot of issues because of what ive been thru. I think very few people have had to deal with it and the issues and problems it causes you are really bad. I basically dont feel like im myself at all. Ive also had to deal with my memories coming back which usually happens but it really painful.

 

The whole thing with my brother was how hes such a player and he gets alot of attention. I think normally it wouldnt bother me but the whole saying things to get girls to like you idk if you can it flirting but its just weird. My ex left me to a guy that was trying to pick her up and i told her while i was still with her what he was doing and i thought she would never go for it because she didnt seem that way. I guess i was wrong because on top of that she was being really different. Its even worse because she still says she should of lost her virginity to me but at the same time she says she would never have sex with me. I guess thats the mind of an abused person but because i was abused by her i somehow am in a messed up situation of my own. I know she wasnt everything i thought she was but she had so many good things about her and i still to this day havent seen a girl like her in my life. Its so weird because i could see how much she loved me but at the same time it was such a really messed up relationship. I basically carried the relationship on my shoulders. It was such a bad time in my life and im still scarred and haunted by it.

 

I think the worst part now is that now that im living thru all of this and have been thru so much in my life already that i really cant see myself finding someone that would really want to be with me. Ive never seen a happy couple with ppl that have a background like the one that ive had. I can barely deal with my life as it is so i dont see it happening any time soon but its pretty crazy. I do see myself doing somewhat better which is a surprised but i never really know what to expect from my life. I can say ive never really had it good and i dont know if it will always be this hard. I dont know its just been really bad so idk what else to do. I really just saw that i couldnt keep holding this in so hopefully i can just keep writing or expressing myself.

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Sorry you are hurting. I remember being 15 and in love. Girls are impossible to understand. I will say the following: go look at graphic images from the massacre in Mumbai last week, and you will soon realize that you haven't been through $h!t yet in your life. Stop focusing on YOU and go do something productive, like work in a homeless soup kitchen during the dead of winter. Then you'll see some real suffering. I am sure you have a roof over your head, and food on your table and clothes on your back, so please stop complaining, do your homework, decide on a college major, study hard, get a good credit rating then buy yourself a nice car and a nice condo, and count your blessings.

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I really dont know how to reply to this because eventho you could say yea that seems easy enough to make yourself feel better it doesnt work for me. My life is really messed up and im not just complaining. I know i would of made it better if it was that easy but im so far down its not even imaginable. My mind is really kinda screwed up right now as well so in reality things really are that bad for me. My biggest problem is that i want to help myself or get help but nothing really seems to be working. I just keep going back and forth in a really messed up cycle. I guess one thing i hate more than anything is when ppl say stop complaining because what other choices do i have to hold all of this in. I think everyone vents or complains and because im a sensitive person i probably do it alot more than most ppl could understand why i would do it. Im just wired that way and thats something ppl seem to take it the wrong way because its made seem wrong to do something like that. Its just frustrating because im doing bad enough as it is and then i still have to deal with being really misunderstood because im not what alot of ppl expect or understand.

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I'm not saying your pain or the events you are going through in your life are NOT real, they are for sure. But I wish you would take my advice, if you really want to feel better and if you really want to change things around for yourself, you need to have other experiences rather than sitting around in your head and saying "My life sucks, it really, really sucks." Have you ever watched the DVD "The Secret"? It teaches you that if you are in the habit of thinking negatively, then you put yourself in a negative frequency, and then the only experiences and people you will attract into your life will be negative experiences and people, because you can only attract things into your life that match the frequency you are on. I want to help you, as well as help others here, but many times people don't seem to want to change, they want someone to sit there and pat their hand and say "Yes, your life sucks. Yes, it's miserable. You poor, poor thing." Even though sympathy might feel good, it does not help you clear your mind and think about a solution. Am I correct in guessing that you are in your mid to late teens? If so, the feelings and emotions you are expressing are surely linked to your life stage right now and as you mature, you will think and feel differently. Still, getting involved in helping other people will surely pull you out of your funk, a little bit at a time, because you will begin to see that you can be a positive force in the world, to help others, and by doing so, your self-image improves, and you improve someone else's life in the process.

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I will agree with everything you said besides the sympathy thing. I dont think everyone has the power all the time to just pick themselves out of lifes crazy situations. I think some ppl are stuck in a negative place and there is some type of reason or whatever it is that keeps them there. I cant tell someone that there parents just got murdered horribly to cheer up. Everyone needs time to grieve or process the pain that they are in. I live a really tough life and its always made doing the things i want to do in life almost impossible i dont know how else to say it. Also sometimes sympathy is exactly what the person needs and hopefully they could cheer themselves up because they see ppl care for them and hopefully give them a better outlook on their situation. I forgot the word but i read about how when you let ppl feel the way they do it helps them help themselves instead of always trying to show that what they are doing is wrong. I would even go as far to say that they know it themselves that its wrong but at that moment thats how they acted or responded to that situation.

 

I once had someone say it exactly what i needed to her once because i was going to a counselor and it was just making it worse because she kept telling me that i was doing this wrong or etc and it just was adding more stress. She basically said that she would counsel me but it wasnt what i needed and i just need to have some support. Its just i dont have support and i can even say the way that i am right now most ppl would probably stay away from me because they dont get what im going thru. Its just if you were to ever be in my position or a similar one you would see that ppl dont get it and that would almost make you feel empathy for that person and prob want to help them. Its a balance so i cant just keep having everyone say if you did this it would get better. I would also say ive done pretty much everything i could in my power to this point and im still stuck. So i dont know if its ppl dont want to believe that you can try to make things work and do everything your supposed to but things will still go wrong and not work out for you. I really just see it like everyone goes thru things totally different.

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I hear you, and I do care or else I would not be writing to you And I also know that you would not be writing here if you weren't in pain. I'm sometimes not very good with sympathy, because I had to build my own life from scratch. I was raised by alcoholic drug addicts who abused and ridiculed me and my siblings. My siblings turned out to be alcoholic drug addicts. I'm the only one who withstood and eventually overcame the situation, but it took a long time. Many years of therapy and trial-and-error life decisions. I came to learn that my feelings are caused by my thoughts. If I am having horrible feelings, it is because I am sustaining horrible thoughts. Stop and think about it for a second--do you find that might be true for you? I am also hesitant to give a lot of sympathy because some people are addicted to that response from others, and it is hard to tell if the person wants to really, truly change their life. If you want to change your life, you have to change your thoughts.

 

Have you seen the DVD "The Secret"? I think it would be a big blessing for you. Please try to get hold of it if you can. You can rent it, I think.

 

What kinds of problems are you having? Maybe I can give you some suggestions...?

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I think the hardest part has been me trying and prob trying to hard to make things better. It was just like no matter what i did things just kept on gettin worse or they might have seemed like it was getting better and it turned out that wasnt for long. I suffered some pretty bad trauma and my mind hasnt always been doing so good trying to deal with it. I dont even know where to start with my life because ever since i was a kid it was pretty bad. I think the little things are ok but in general its been pretty much painful all the time. I somehow was able to pretend to be ok but now that really blew up in my face because the cruel reality of my life wasnt something i could hide from anymore. I guess i had to get shown that because it was like my bubble burst but that was a really bad experience.

 

Im not really sure if ppl can give me suggestions with my life or at least not things that i dont know already. Its just that alot of things have been holding me back and its been weird because thru all of this i havent been good to myself because depression to me almost makes everything backwards or life doesnt make much sense going thru that. All the things i enjoyed in my life brought me no joy and actually alot of the time brought me pain. I really dont know from having really bad examples of ppl in my life to not really getting a good oppurtunity to succeed. I really just need a new life like i dont know if anything would stay the same. Im still kinda confused with everything because its been so much to deal with but i at least am starting to feel like i can do it and thats a really important thing.

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