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Advice Needed !!! - Long Sorry


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Hello all,

I am after some advice,

I had been seeing a guy 42 yrs old (I am 40yrs)for about a week, he kept sending me messages and telling me he love me and he wanted me forever. He wanted to take me out for dinner so we decided to go out Saturday night for chinese. All through tea he kept saying i looked uncomfortable and he wished he had taken me somewhere else. I tried to reassure him that it was fine. I asked him if it was ok to go and meet my kids later on as they were going out and i had been meeting them. (I like to keep an eye on them 18yrs and 20yrs only just started drinking), He said it was fine. We enjoyed the meal, i had 1 drink and he had about 3. We then went for a walk. He said he wanted to play some pool with me to which i agreed. While there i had 1 drink and he had 3 i think, i told him i had to go and get my other mobile so my kids could contact me as mine was flat. I called a taxis, as we were about to leave he stated i wasnt the woman he wanted in his life ( a party person). We got home and had a huge argument and some hurtful things were said. I told him i cant and wont tolerate beign treated like that. I left his apartment and went home (Didnt end out going with the kids) He then rang me to try and make up statiing i didnt know him. I didnt care what happened in his past etc. Another argument. Next day he text me apologizing for the night before and saying he knew it was over. He was really sorry for hurting me. He didnt know what to say anymore and couldnt face me. We kept in touch through text messages and then i went and gfaced him. Told him how i felt and how he had hurt me, that i wouldnt tolerate beign treated like that. I told him that my kids always come first. He didnt have much to say, and looked very sorry for himself. He tried to touch me and i pulled away from him. I left, he then text me asking how he could fix things. My comment was it was up to him, he broke it and he had to fix it.

Then on Monday he text me saying he was willing to do anything to keep me and get my trust back. Also stating time will tell and to just trust him.

I came home from work and a lady knocked on my door, looking for me, she had been door knocking trying to find me with a big bunch of roses 13 red and 1 white. He didnt actually know where i lived only approx where.

I still lke him, even before the flowers, but i guess i am a little worried that the arguments will start if he drinks again. When he not drinking h e is a very nice person and respects me. I had so many text messages from him before this happened, but has backed off since.

I want to try again, am i being silly?

I have told him if i do decide to try again there are my terms and my kids will come first and i wont be pushed around. He says he understands.

I was in a violent relationship which involved alcohol, i guess thats what scared me.

Any advice or suggestions would be good. Thanks

Lastly is there any meaning to the flowers?

13 red and 1 white Rose


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I do understand that your kids come first, however at 18 and 20, the definition of 'kids' has to be rather loose as they are legally adults now. If you can't even enjoy a nice dinner out without being preoccupied with what adult children are doing in your absense, then i think your apron strings are on too tight and you need to work on seeing your kids as adults with indepdent lives and not totally dependent on your watching them or being with them at their ages now. They need their indepedence and to be out of the nest, and so do you.


I'm sure you don't want to hear that if you and your kids are close, but there comes a time when you have to start seeing them more as individuals and adults and on their own. Of course you should be there if they tell you they need you, but grabbing onto your phone like it is an umbilical cord at their age is not healthy for you or your kids.


So i'm not sure the man is all the problem here. he probably wanted/expected to enjoy an adult night out with you without you treating your grown kids as if they were toddlers needing constant checking on.


I think you should open a dialog with him (and your kids separately) on how much contact (not supervision) is appropriate with adult children who are 18 and 20, and try to stick with that and not make them the center of your world because they really are no longer kids, though it feels that way to you. You need other things in your life as they grow up and get more and more independent, and hovering over them being overprotective will bring resentment all around, and might kill any attempts at a social life you might try to have with men.

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If I remember correctly, weren't you previously in a very bad pseudo-relationship with someone who was just using you for sex, didn't treat you right and didn't want to commit to a real relationship? I would say that you might be going down the same road with this guy. He flatters you with words of love and spending a future together, drinks too much, gets insulting, then he tries to flatter you into submission with a bunch of clichéd roses (look at any TV or Hollywood movie and the "apology" roses or "I want to get laid" roses figure prominently). All of this drama in just the first week of knowing him when he really should be on his best behavoiur. I would not even bother with this guy...he has shown you what he is all about.

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Thanks for the replys.

Yes i was in a hostile relationship.

This relationship is not about sex as for once i am not going there until i have the trust. He knows i have trust inssues. My kids mean alot to me and i did lose them once through a relationship and wont allow that again.

Afterall when our relationship ends what do we have left. Family

I spoke to the man involved and he told me the roses meant, 1 Rose was him and the others were me. Sweet but the trust has gone.

I let him do the chasing of me this time, i refuse to let myself go that easily. He now uerstands why my kids are so important, and told me he wont come inbetween my children and me. Again sorry if it sounds selfish, but no-one will do that again. I let that happen once and not only was i abused but so where they emotionally.

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The relationship may not be about sex for you, but he might see it a completely different way and is angling for sex. I say that this guy is trouble and you might be setting yourself up for another loser guy. I really would let this one go...don't be swayed by the sweet talk and cliched roses...this guy is trying to be smooth.

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