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A strange One


Muncy

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Hey Guys and girls,

 

First up I would to say reading all the stories have helped me in my recovery and I appreciate all of you for sharing them. Personally i think sharing my story will help me recover and also grab some different perspective on it aswell. I think grabbing different ideas and solutions help me alot. So here goes my experience.

 

My Girlfriend (Jess 23yrs old) of two and a half years broke it off with me (Trav, 25yrs old) about 4 weeks ago. Out of nowhere she told me face to face that she could no longer be with me because she needed time to herself and think about her for a while. She said she didnt want any contact from me. I was devastated and left the room for the shower as i was in disbelief. She left and headed back to her place. (We don't live together - she lives in a shared house with another couple and i still live with my mum and dad).

 

As you can gather i messaged her heaps of times that night asking why, how i love, we were ment to be etc? She was very blunt and said she didnt want to talk to me and needed time to herself to think. I respected her wishes and didnt contact her for 2 and a half weeks.

 

I wrote her a heartfelt letter telling her how much she ment to me and my family. My Grandma, mum and sister treated her like she was family. I thought she could open the letter whenever she felt ready to and i believed it wasn't too intrusive and she could see it from a more personal view. All i got was 'thanks for the letter'

 

After going through the worst period in my life of thinking the world is against me, thinking suicide, what happened?, grief, depression and so forth. I sorted some help from friends and family. They told me to write her an email as i couldnt go on and cling onto something if its not there. My friends were afraid she would give it time and then let me down gently to lessen the pain. I still don't know - maybe she did need time or maybe she wanted to let me down gently.

I wrote an email to her something along the lines 'three weeks is long enough i believe to have decided what the future holds for us, i can't cling onto hope and put my body through all this pain. I need to know is there any hope for us?'

All she wrote back was Im sorry its over. Im fine with her being upfront but i dont understand why she is being so blunt. She could of said hey sorry it didnt work out, i appreciated the time we spent together is was a special part of my life, i wish you the best in the future. I dont know why she is so blunt with me as we didnt have a bad breakup, a bad fight, werent abusive or anyone cheated on each other.

 

She said she wants to think about herself and not have to worry about us.

She wasn't happy at work and i knew that but i did help her find jobs etc but she still worked at the same workplace. She also wasnt happy at her place as she lived in a house with another couple she wanted her own place.

 

We talked about getting a house together and start saving asap to get one. I thought to myself i always hear young people struggling early in life and i thought no im going to make a few sacrifices get a good start in life together and do all the fun things further down the track like travelling, holidays etc. I just wanted us to have a good start in life. We both agreed we wanted a house but we had to sacrifice a few things like going out, dinners, socialising etc a bit less. I think she wasnt happy that we didnt do all the fun stuff we use to. but i thought this is getting serious after 2 and a half years we need think about our future together to save for a house and a wedding (we also talked about getting married).

 

As i said before she was close to my mum. Last thursday she came over and dropped some of my sisters DVD's off. She spoke to my mum and they talked about why we broke up. She said there were many reasons why we broke up. That really hurt as she didnt have the decency to tell me these reasons. Then my mum said she wants to go back to her home town( 3hrs by plane) to do UNI and be with her friends. Where she lives now is half the distance of Australia where she wants to be.she moved up here 3 years go with her mum and brother.

 

What really gets me is that she didnt even ask me if i wanted to do down with her. She just assumed that i wouldnt go as i have my work, family and friends here. She never really sat me down and said hey Trav this is serious im not happy where my life is going and i think we need to work out a new direction in where we want to go. My mum said if we did get a house would we be in this situation and she said no. But i wonder again would she have left me to go back to her friends and hometown.

 

I'm still hurting the first day she told me, she hasnt contacted me whatsoever and i believe she didnt try her hardest to work things out. She told me she has given it everything and has nothing left to give. I feel like i have given it my all but i feel like she has given up too easily like the no contact, ignoring me. I thought love conquered all and you had to work on the relationship together. Oh man we had our whole future planned out together and now its gone.

 

I'm hurt she has given up so easily and hurt real bad cause we talked about marriage and having kids together. I feel like this time apart she has realised how life is better without me.

She has been real stubborn and wont even return my messsages or emails in the past. I have initiated NC for about 5 days now. When i contacted her last time she said she definelty wanted to be friends but not anything more.

I dont understand how she could do this and not even allow me to hear my side of things or even tell me her side of the things so i can understand why she has done this to us. We trully did love each other and that is what hurts the most. It hurts knowing you love someone but they dont want to be with you. I thought we had it all sorted.

 

Im going through stages where i hate her now, hate what she has done to me and hate how could just end it like this. Im confused by the whole situation sometimes i wish it was easier if we had a big fight then i would have an idea why she did it.

I still miss her like crazy and miss the time we had together. I go through heaps of lows and mope around thinking i will never find another person again. My confidence is shot and my self esteem is in tatters.

 

I'm confused but i am trying to get on with my life as if it is over for good, but geez that is hard. i'm sort of clinging onto if its ment to be its ment to be attitude.

Any advice or any suggestions would be greatly appreciated,

Trav

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I'm sorry that you're going through this.

 

From what I understand, it seems like she just suddenly became overwhelmed with everything going on in her life, including the relationship. When you're with someone for 2.5 years, you don't just make an overnight decision to end it. I'm sure she put a lot of thought into it, & realized that she no longer wants to be in a(this) relationship.

 

Also, I think you may have annoyed her a bit with your messages. She stated for you to not contact her, & you did regardless. Anytime you don't respect someone's wishes, you should expect them to become annoyed. She wanted her space, and she may have felt like you just weren't willing to give it to her.

 

I don't blame her for not wanting to "talk about it". Sometimes, especially when you're dealing with an emotional person, it's not easy to "talk about it". Maybe she doesn't really have much to say, since she's already made her decision. Maybe she just doesn't want to hear what you have to say, because she knows it might hurt her. Maybe she just wants to make it as clear as possible to you that she's moving on, and that you should do the same. She doesn't want to give you false hope.

 

I know it's hard to deal with, but we all experience failed relationships. You're still young, & you shouldn't stress over it. I know you loved her, & you had hopes & visions of her in your future, but now you just have to learn to put her in the past & move on.

 

You should like a great guy, & I'm sure you won't have trouble finding anyone else to love.

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Hey Trav,

 

I think the best thing to do for now would be to have no contact with her.

Like PsychGirl said, maybe she was too overwhelmed by everything and she needs to sort out things. Give her space, give her time. Meanwhile, try moving on with your life the best you can.

 

Good luck!

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Thanks Star14, PsychGirly,

 

You guys probably know it's really hard to try and give someone time when really all you want are answers.

 

Yeah i thought about her being overwhelmed about all the things happening like a house and wedding. But i feel like she could of said hey Trav lets sit down and talk about this - i think we should do this, slow down or do this or do that. I dont know why she didnt talk about it like sit down and discuss it.

That's why i cant stop thinking she maybe did take the easy road.

 

Her mum actually told me this but she said:

'Taking the easier road is harder in the long run, taking the harder road is easier'

 

AAAArrrggggghhhh. So many what ifs and could of beens.

 

Is it stupid of me to think she might do some thinking by herself and realise it is worth a chance or keep on going on with my new life without her?

 

(I have read countless posts to say forget about them and move on -have some closure and peace with yourself. This isnt a bad break and havent read much advice on a so called good break so im confused haha - thought i would laugh as im sick of crying)

 

Trav

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It isn't 'stupid' of you to hope, but it's not exactly what you should be doing, either. She hasn't given you the slightest sign of coming back to you, so it would be pointless for you to put your life on hold.

 

I suggest you start moving on with your life, & start the coping process. If she does happen to come along in the future, then you can make your decision then.

 

You're only gonna live one life. While you're sitting around crying & hoping for her to come back, you're missing out on other opportunities--while she's living her life out there. Is that fair?

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Yeah very true PsychGirly,

 

I suppose i thought we had something special, something worth saving but it's no good when only one person wants it.

 

I think I am slowly getting back on track and its not fair to myself to mope around and not make the most of what I have. The hardest thing is to accept that its over.

I think the pill is stuck in my throat at the moment.

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It's always hard when things come to an end, but it happens all the time in life. Relationships fail, loved ones die, we lose a job, we fall off track, etc...but life always goes on.

 

What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.

 

Remember that. Instead of moping around with that pill in your throat, grab a cup of water (or a bottle of beer, whichever you prefer), & swallow that damn pill, & move on with your life!

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