Jump to content

Time to change me


EnufisEnuf

Recommended Posts

HI All,

Great website.

 

Sorry this is gonna be long

 

I am a 37yo male, very successful salesman for a hi-technology company. Married to my wife for 8+ yrs now with two wonderful kids, ages 4 and 6. My marriage, career and life is absolutely wonderful, yet I somehow feel VERY depressed and have for as long as I can remember. Being a salesguy, I am very good at hiding my true feelings close and not sharing. I have done this forever and its time to change. Heres a background summary.

 

I grew up poor-middle class with a very disfunctional family, parents were divorced by 12yo because of alcohol, abuse, and adultery. Being the only son in my family, I was the one who stood up for my mother when dad would show up drunk. When they did divorce, my mother gave me the choice of where I wanted to live, she moved, dad stayed in our house. I chose to stay with dad because all of my friends lived there as well. Within 1 month, he came home drunk, was verbally degrading my mom and we argued and he started to throw a punch at me. I dodged it, and threw him to the ground, breaking 3 ribs. I was out after that and moved in with my paternal grandmother next door. Dad and I barely spoke for the next few years. I lived with my grandmother until she passed away and I was 19yo. Those were really bad years for me, as up until my parent were divorced, I was an honor roll student. After the divorce, I nosedived, in 10th grade I began drinking and partying. Never really any drugs, just alcohol and lots of it. I slept around very much and was known as the party guy at school. Never had any kids, or diseases...really lucky for that.

While in High School, my mother began a realtionship with a younger guy, only a few years older than me. I actually went to class with his siblings and would get joked occasionally. After they were dating for a few months, he wrecked and was killed leaving my mothers house one morning. At that time, my mother would ride to work with me while I drove to school. I still remember the day we came upon her beaus wreck, him still hanging outside of the car he wrecked. After that, his siblings at school spread the word quickly of my mother basically killing their brother. That was the end of my HS education. I was enlisted on the early enrollment program for the Army and left in Aug of my supposed grad year. I mentally brokedown after the 1 month and broke my ankle to get out. I went home, lived in my grandmothers house and stayed drunk most of the time for the next 10 mos. I then met my first wife while working part-time as a carry out boy for a grocer. Her family allowed me to move in with them and I began a career in construction. For the majority of the time, I stayed sober. No alcohol, except in once a year spurts in which my ugly demons came back. We eventually moved into our own place and was married. We dated approx 6 yrs, stayed married for 1. By this time, I was completely motivated by money and worked ridiculous hours, most weeks at 70+. I came home from work one day and she was gone, left with the neighbor, who did not work and was on welfare. But he had time to spend with her. Looking back, her leaving was the best thing for me. She was very spoiled, and always had everything she wanted. But I had to work a lot in order for this to happen. After this, I packed up and moved to the big city, several states away. I knew noone and just wanted to start over. Within 2 months, I met my current wife. I eventually did get my GED and have taken quite a few college classes, but haven't been able to finish with all the traveling I do. I have worked myself into a very lucrative postion and am very good at what I do. She does not work outside the home and we planned this for her to stay with the kids. That brings us up to date

Now for the current situation:

My Mother ,Father and I get along better than ever

I am a very negative person, my wife knows this and has dealt with it. I have very many skeletons in the closet and I absolutely hate my past life. As for alcohol, I drink occasionally, mainly at social events. But once a year or so, I do overindulge and my demons are unleashed. Most recently this weekend after Tday dinner. I made a real ass out of myself, not to anyone but her, but she doesn't deserve that. I have never been violent with a woman, and don't think I ever will be, but I am an ass.

I realize that I have a perfect life, I just need to feel that way and show others. I can honestly say that I could do without ever having another drink forever. I've went 2 yrs+ without it before. I am not an alcoholic. I just feel like my entire life is a lie. There are some things that I dont even know the truth to anymore. I just want to take off the mask and have a truly happy life with my family. I never want my kids to experience what I have

I feel that generally I am a great person (albeit somewhat of an act), I will help anyone in need, but I always have those bad demons on my back

How do I reinvent myself with a positive personality?

 

Any advice is appreciated

Thanx

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have you ever tried cognitive behavioural therapy? That might help you train your mind to dispel negativity as soon as your thoughts start going down that road. Basically there is no quick fix to reinventing yourself...you just have to work on changing the record in your head and look at the positives in people and events rather than dwelling on the negatives.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have not tried any CBT. For that matter, I have never talked to anyone about any of this. Always felt I could handle it alone and never felt that I could be completely honest with a counselor.

One pertinent fact that I forgot to mention is my love of dark and twisted heavy metal music. I have always loved it and feel that I can relate to most of it. I am not an atheist or satanists and do attend church every Sunday. But I am very influenced by what I listen to. Sometimes I can feel myself getting angry by just listening to a particular song or band. In the past, I cherished these feelings because they helped me keep my guard up. I know one big help for me will be to listen to more "enlightening" music. Is that weird or what?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have not tried any CBT. For that matter, I have never talked to anyone about any of this. Always felt I could handle it alone and never felt that I could be completely honest with a counselor.

One pertinent fact that I forgot to mention is my love of dark and twisted heavy metal music. I have always loved it and feel that I can relate to most of it. I am not an atheist or satanists and do attend church every Sunday. But I am very influenced by what I listen to. Sometimes I can feel myself getting angry by just listening to a particular song or band. In the past, I cherished these feelings because they helped me keep my guard up. I know one big help for me will be to listen to more "enlightening" music. Is that weird or what?

 

How about some nice Enya music...or you can try the more laughable heavy metal such as AC/DC.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think that therapy would be a good idea. There's alot of drama in your childhood that might be worth exploring with a good counselor. As for the drinking, it's a problem for you even if it only has a negative effect on you once a year. I'm not saying that you're an alcoholic, but if you know that these once a year binges are causing problems for you, you'll need to practice self control.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think that therapy would be a good idea. There's alot of drama in your childhood that might be worth exploring with a good counselor. As for the drinking, it's a problem for you even if it only has a negative effect on you once a year. I'm not saying that you're an alcoholic, but if you know that these once a year binges are causing problems for you, you'll need to practice self control.

 

I agree self control would be best. Does your wife know anything about your past. I'm sure she feels helpless and wants to help you through it. I listen to hard rock and metal, when you start feeling angry, I'd just turn it off. write some poetry or read a book. go for a walk, just get your mind working. Keep stimulated. Hope this helps!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks all,

My wife knows a little, but not all. Too embarrassed to talk about it. I dont think I remember all of it, my sister has told me of things that happened in our childhood that I have absolutely no memory of. Guess I blocked it out.

As for the self control, I usually do great in situations when it comes to drinking. But, then once a year or so, I get past my limit and indulge too much. Its like theres a fine line between OK and not OK, once its crossed I'm gone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Whether you're an alcoholic or not, if drinking is ever ruining an event or affecting your relationship with someone, maybe it's time to think about quitting it for good. Also, alcohol is a depressant, and it probably wouldn't hurt to cut it out of your life.

 

I recommend this site to people here who have expressed an interest in quitting drinking:

link removed

 

Regarding the music- I used to be the same way. Everything I listened to was depressing, and I thought that was good because I "related". I finally got tired of moping around and started exploring other stuff. Maybe that's something you could consider.

 

Overall, just writing here is a good first step to changing your life and yourself. I agree with those who suggested therapy and particularly CBT, as negative thought patterns become ingrained as time goes by and it's very difficult to break out of that.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...