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Speak to be heard


darkpumpkin
Lost the Love Of Your Love? Watch T...
Lost the Love Of Your Love? Watch This!

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I am confused. Why is it you can say everything that is wrong, tell a person you are to the breaking point and your whole behavior can change with your SO because you are falling out of love with them and all they can say is..."are you mad at me?". Then it wouldn't matter if you told them all again as soon as they said "sorry" they think everything is fine. When you finally have enough of it and break up with them they are baffled and confused why it happened...like being stricken by lighting.

 

In all my past relationships looking back I could see the sign's when someone broke up with me. And have used that in present relationships, why don't we listen to each other when there are serious issues going on, things that could end a relationship and save it if we just hear the other person????

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I don't understand why either... Just the type of people they are maybe....

 

Another possibility is that in the beginning - we sometimes make quick promises and statements about how much we care about a person, love them, always will because they are Oh so wonderful. Then make drastic decisions sometimes too early.

 

When we realize we aren't happy with them, nothing has really changed besides our awareness that we aren't happy with them as a person so they can't grasp that things are falling apart. They haven't a clue what the problem could be because afterall, you fell in love with them, made those promises and decisions with them...... when they were the same person.

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My husband once said to me when we were divorced, "I'm really sorry, I never knew you were serious when you tried to talk to me about things."

 

1. How I was feeling wasn't that important to him unless it would make/break our relationship.

 

2. He couldn't recognize when I was serious or it would have taken an effort greater than what he wanted to put forth to admit I was serious.

 

That was my answer to your question.

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Another time he said, "I'm sorry that I didn't realize I hurt you that much."

 

What I think he meant was that he was sorry that he lost me. It had nothing to do with me at all. He was not sorry he hurt me, he was sorry he didn't recognize the signs of a serious problem in our relationship because not recognizing it cost him his standard of living.

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My husband once said to me when we were divorced, "I'm really sorry, I never knew you were serious when you tried to talk to me about things."

 

1. How I was feeling wasn't that important to him unless it would make/break our relationship.

 

2. He couldn't recognize when I was serious or it would have taken an effort greater than what he wanted to put forth to admit I was serious.

 

That was my answer to your question.

 

In my mind I know those are the main reasons, they are just baffiling. If something is not worth the effort why stay? I know it's easier but so worthless.

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Oh I can agree, I have been known to see red flags and consciously chosen to ignore them hoping that the bigger picture was worth the warning.

 

Darkpumpkin.... Remember that one thread a long time ago where we all talked about that? I really worry that you acted without truly taking time to know him. You hoped for a fairytale and it's not all you hoped it'd be.

 

It's still early! You can still choose a different path - one that doesn't include him in your future as sad as that thought may make you - it is YOUR future that is on the line here. Your happiness!

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I always thought things could work out...I really did and it makes me really sad that I've come to the point that I realize this isn't. A new little puppy made me see what's really going on and how unfair my life has become, how unfair I have allowed it to become. I know what I have to do it's just getting to the point of doing it and it's scary. I just am so angry that he doesn't realize how thin the thread is between us right now, chooses not to realize that he will lose me.

 

But ready2heal you made my heart hurt because I know now that when it does end he will not miss ME, he will miss the life he has come accustomed to.

 

I have forgotten why I fell in love with him, why I love him. This feels awful.

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I have been guilty of this to some extent. I knew something wasn't right but every time I asked what was wrong all I heard was "I don't know" or "Nothing". I knew something wasn't right and I shouldn't have accepted those answers but I did. I have been reliving much of that lately for various reasons and although I didn't technically do the wrong things, I certainly didn't do the right things either.

 

My eyes were wide open after I caught her cheating and my vision continues to get better and better. I intend to learn from my mistakes for myself and no one else. You have asked the question for the ages here. My answer would be a question I guess: If they are the most important thing in our lives, then why don't we constantly treat them as such?

 

lost

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"If they are the most important thing in our lives, then why don't we constantly treat them as such?"

 

And that is my answer, I am not the most important thing in his life in fact I could name what is and be fully right.

 

1. Work

2. Down time (video games)

3. New puppy

4. Me

5. Family

6. Friends

 

4th...hmm...never wanted to be number fourth in any relationship.

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Knowing what you want for your life is very important. Many times you will here "you don't deserve that". Does anyone deserve anything? It isn't what you deserve, it is what you want for your life. You want to be number one in you SO's life not number four. That is not to much to ask and you shouldn't put up with anything else. Take this time to really figure out what it is YOU want and then when you meet someone new your eyes will be wide open. Be careful of the LOVE goggles though, they can be more blurry than beer goggles!

 

lost

 

"If they are the most important thing in our lives, then why don't we constantly treat them as such?"

 

And that is my answer, I am not the most important thing in his life in fact I could name what is and be fully right.

 

1. Work

2. Down time (video games)

3. New puppy

4. Me

5. Family

6. Friends

 

4th...hmm...never wanted to be number fourth in any relationship.

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Yes they can, what's worse is I'm kicking myself. I saw this damn it! I saw every red flag early on when we started dating. Oh, there's another flag...wow really should pay attention..nahhh.

 

I guess it's just a matter now of putting out the flame or letting it burn out. I know I'm not ready today this moment to end it but I know I am 24 and do not need the rest of my life to be this. I've stopped being the gf and started being the maid, we have had sex maybe 15 times in 6 months, none in the last 4. Even affection on his part has gone to nothing. I wish I could find a solution, I was so stupid. Maybe if I become the perfect little house wife I will get more affection, he will love me more, he will be less tired to have sex with me. I hate the fact all this time I didn't want to be the fool and here I am. Foolish.

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You are not foolish, you are in LOVE. The heart is a powerful thing. It only wants love and it is a sneaky. It can convince the mind to overlook a lot and then when we can't anymore it aches for the love that is gone and makes us question ourselves.

 

You are only human and want to be loved and cherished. There is nothing foolish in that.

 

lost

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In all my past relationships looking back I could see the sign's when someone broke up with me. And have used that in present relationships, why don't we listen to each other when there are serious issues going on, things that could end a relationship and save it if we just hear the other person????

 

People for the most part, don't change unless something DRASTIC happens.

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I'm going to write this all down because (1) it will make me feel better and (2) I created this thread for this purpose. Thank you everyone for the advice and comments you have made previously.

 

I'm tired and I'm sad, I did this to myself. I became "mommy" stopped being gf or fiancé (yes we are engaged despite what I said on here before). I feel used and worn down and really who's fault is it? my own. I started doing things for him "helping him out" when he did not ask or need it. I got a fantastic reaction; I wanted that reaction and started doing more and more. I was in essense just like a puppy craving extra special attention. Soon he became accustomed to what I did, end of attention. I started becoming mad, resentful because I was still killing myself working 45 hrs a week, doing all the household chores and making sure the bills were paid on time, all the grocery shopping done and that the apartment was clean on a regular basis and I wasn't getting anything. Sex stopped months and months ago; recently affection has stopped as well.

 

I can't bring anything up to him or he gets angry, I get angry, we are both in a state of anger till we are to tired to argue any longer and then make-up. He keeps telling me "I'll help out more on my days off" but he won't. Yes I'm a horrible nag because anything I have ever asked him to do he won't do it. I feel like he doesn't care about me, that he wants to end this engagement or break up but is just not. Things have been stressful and he is going into the busy time at work so he is really tired but a grown man still has responsibilities. Lets be honest he has a hard time taking care of himself let alone EVEN thinking about me. I love him, yes I know I love him but I do not love this life I live with him. I do not enjoy feeling this way, not wanting to go home, not knowing how to fix it. I guess I can't but I'm to chicken to end it, maybe he will maybe I am hoping he will.

 

He's not the man I thought he was, the man he is at work. I wish I was his job then he would care, that's a funny thought I guess. What's worse is that it's not me. Some people just "aren't into you" and I get that I really do and HE may not be into me any longer and that is why he doesn't care enough to know our relationship is close to cracking. What's scary is he is like this with his mom and his sister's. He's this lazy irresponsible person single and alone, maybe all he needs is a good woman and maybe I'm not that type of woman. Enough maybe's here's the fact- I'm no man's slave or puppy and he's lazy and has had a slave for the last 7 months. I refuse to be that any longer and if he leaves me it's his choice, I thought I would never get here again....staying in a relationship because I was afraid what was on the other side.

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