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So fed up with my Dad...


sweetgirl141
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and not sure what to do.

 

My parents have been divorced since i was about 5 years old and my dad hasnt been one since then. He would smile to our faces but be a complete * * * * * * * behind our backs. Anytime I ever came to my dad to ask him if he could buy me some clothes or help pay for something for school he always had some excuse.

 

My sister and I played softball and played travel ball which got pretty expensive. Every summer my mom was paying for softball equiment, tournament fees, hotels, gas, food, uniforms, etc. My dad didnt pay for a penny.

 

My sister's senior year in highschool, her softball team made it to the state championships. My dad didnt feel the need to attend.

 

My mom even had to file bankrupt because she went into so much debt trying to pay for everything my sister and I needed. My dad just sat back and watched. At one point, we didnt even have health insurance because my dad refused to pay and my mom couldnt afford it.

 

Anyways, fast forward... Two christmas' ago I went to visit my dad. I went wanting to have a good time but ended up not. The very last night me and my dad got into it because he was drunk and slurring about how he knows me and my sister hate him but its important for us to have a good relationship. Im like "shows how much you know. me and my sister have a wonderful relationship". Anyways, I told him how it was, how he knew nothing about me, didnt know who my friends were, what I enjoyed doing, etc. I went upstairs, cried myself to sleep, and promised myself I would never speak to him again. Well last christmas rolls around and my sister comes home from visiting my dad with $250 from him for christmas and a couple presents from my step moms family. Still, no phone calls and certainly no offerings to help pay for my college, which my mom is paying BY HERSELF. My 21st birthday rolls around in september. I get a check in the mail for $100 and "hope to see you at christmas" but no phone call to wish me happy birthday and no phone call from christmas time up until september. Well I write my dad an email and tell him thank you for the money and that if I can get off work I will come down to visit for christmas. That was september 2. I got no response from him until yesterday telling me he woud be booking the flight.

 

After agreeing to visit, I went downstairs to find my mom flustered. I asked her what was wrong and she explained to me that my father refuses to help pay for my sisters invisiline that she NEEDED because they went ahead and made the decision without his "consent". Little does he know he doesnt have all the time in the world. Our insurance only allows a certain time period for this decision to be made. Then he says that he "over paid" for my sisters tuition this semester and refuses to continue to help pay for her tuition until my mom gives him a justifiable reason to where the money went. The "overpayment" went to pay for my sisters books, help pay for her dorm room necessities, and spending money since she isnt allowed to work her first year in college. My mom can not tell him this though since those 3 reasons arent "good enough".

 

Im just soo sick of it and dont know what to do. Even though this doesnt directly affect me because I pay for most of my stuff, I think its wrong my dad has totally abandoned me as his child and only wishes to take responsibility for me on my birthday and holidays and the fact that he is so rude and disrespectful to treat my mom that way when she has done nothing but given her everything to make sure me and my sister had everything!

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Have you tried seeing it from your dad's point of view? It doesn't sound like he is all that well off. Maybe he is just trying to keep above the water himself. Isn't invisiline a teeth straightener? That doesn't seem to be something a person _needs_ maybe he is just really worried about money?

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invisiline... are braces. Cost ranging from $4-7K. Regular braces can

be upwards of $5K. Ivisiline is just new technololgy and as the tag line says... invisible clear braces.

 

And yes.. Braces are sometimes VERY much needed, not only for cosmetic reasons. Depending on the severity of the alignment of the teeth, they can cause major damage to the jaw and cause many health issues.

 

I know. I'm a single mom and I've paid, out of pocket to have braces applied to my young daughters teeth. I paid, when I had no idea where I'd get the money from.. borrowing from peter to pay paul really.

 

Sweetgirl41.... your story touched me, because it seem's I'm living your mothers life, and you and your sister are like my two little girls.

 

I understand where you are coming from. My "X" does the bare minimum. Picks up kids on only court ordered dates. Does not attend baseball games, basketball games, school functions or go to parent teacher conferences. None of that costs any money. None of it.

 

Right now Sweetgirl41 is venting because of all the monetary issues. Coming to realize the sacrifices her mother made for them not just monetarily over the years... but in every other facet of her life. Raising a child is alot more than about money. Every single night I sit with my kids and read. Every single night I do flash cards. I've been to all the ball games, all the school functions. Practiced playing catch in the back yard. Taught them to ride a bicycle and been there for every cold, every scratch, and stayed up countless nights trying to sooth an achey belly or squelch a raging fever. Many a night not getting any sleep, simply getting dressed in the morning and trecking off to work.

 

It's not simply an issue of money. It takes more then $$$ to parent a child.

 

To the OP.... you make your peace anyway you know how. Maybe sit down and talk to your dad when he's sober might be the ticket. And ask him then all the hard questions you've got. Not just about the money today... but where's he been as a dad all these years?

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Have you tried seeing it from your dad's point of view? It doesn't sound like he is all that well off. Maybe he is just trying to keep above the water himself. Isn't invisiline a teeth straightener? That doesn't seem to be something a person _needs_ maybe he is just really worried about money?

 

Well if he is that worried about money maybe he didnt need the Lexus SUV or the multiple trips to Hawaii. I have taken this into account. Im not going to just cause a stir knowing he has no money. He does. And even if he is barely making it, do you not think by my original post that my mom is struggling even more. She had to file for BANKRUPTCY just to make sure we had everything we needed. I do not believe my father would have done that.

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You are right. The invisiline was to correct her teeth from the movement caused by her wisdom teeth. Regular braces were an option but as a freshman in college she would have rather had the ones you couldnt really see.

 

And it is so much more than just money. My dad hardly came to watch any of my softball games, basketball games, cheerleading competitions, etc. And if I did ever ask him to buy me something I needed he asked why my mother couldnt or my moms parents couldnt. He was a single father only supporting himself while my mother was a single mother supporting herself and 2 children.

 

I only wonder where me and my sister would be if my mom didnt sacrifice all that she did for us.

 

As far as making peace, I had agreed to go down to visit for christmas but wrote a letter to him telling him how I felt. I asked him why he didnt feel the need to sacrifice things like my mom had or why he felt the need to not attend many of our activities INCLUDING missing out on seeing my sisters highschool softball team play in the state championship!!! What kind of parent doesnt come watch something as special as that??

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Sweetgirl141... as I said, I'm living your mother's life.

 

What kind of parent doesnt come watch something as special as that??

 

I don't think I can answer this question. From a mom's point of view, every game I attend is special. My girls look up into the stands searching for me and seeing that they have family and friends out there to support them gives them a boost. My own parents were not divorced when I was a kid, and yet..........

 

My father didn't come to "ANY" event's of mine. So I know how important it is to the kids.... and as a divorced parent, there is nothing I can say to compel my ex to be any different than he is. Couldn't change his behavior in the marriage... have even less leverage out of it. But ohhhhh I'd like to tell him a thing or two. I'm sure your mother feels many of the same things.

 

Don't be surprised when you finally do confront your father if he doesn't heap all of the "blame" on your mom. Mine does. "If you didn't divorce me, I'd have been there...." and my answer is, "If you weren't such a horses behind, you wouldn't be where you are today."

 

It's one of those things that will go round and round with blame being flung like horse dung all over the place. I've taken responsibility for my end of it... but him never taking responsibility for anything in his life. And the crappy part is the kids. No matter how you slice it, how you avoid it, how much you try to shield them, it's the kids that get the brunt of it.

 

I had a conversation with a young lady yesterday, who was lamenting the loss of her mother. No her mother isn't dead nor dying. Her mother is simply leaving her behind. Going on with her life. And this young lady has spent the best part of her life trying to get mom to love her, accept her, and just love her for who she is. Doesn't seem like mom is going to come around anytime soon to her way of thinking. And its a shame. She's a beautiful bright intelligent girl with a bright bright future on the horizon. Can't change her mother. Can't make her love her. And changing herself for who her mother wants her to be? well, she wouldn't be true to herself would she?

 

I talked to her about the "GRIEF PROCESS".... the 5 stages of grieving. I went through the grieving process when I lost a family member. And had a counselor try to explain it to me. And then I went through the same process going through my divorce, because it was a "LOSS" of a relationship. Death of a relationship. and wouldn't you know it... the darned process reared it's ugly head once again when I lost a job that I had been in for 2 decades. Amazing how it's the same process, yet different types of losses. The hardest part of the process is "ACCEPTANCE"... accepting finally that things are the way they are. It is what it is. And there is nothing I can do to change it. Sounds simple... but at times it's like moving mountains. The human species is a stubborn lot... and sometimes to our own detriment.

 

Try looking for books on the Grieving process or the stages of grieving. It might help you out a bit. Learning to accept that your father, such as he is... is the way he is and that's that. I think you did good by writing him a letter and telling him how you "feel"... those are your feelings and you need to let that out. He's got to accept that also. Question is... which one of you will be the bigger adult about it??? My money is on you, sounds like mom's raised some pretty strong young ladies. And that kind of HUTZBAH??? No amount of money can buy or ever pay for.

 

Appreciate your mother, and on your next birthday? buy her a dozen roses and say ..."thanks mom".

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