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He doesnt think there is a problem


starrz

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So i spoke with hubby via the phone last night for 2 hours. (He works for a job that has him away for 30 days then he's home for 30 days .. posted under given up) I told him I didn't think he trusted me and that he resented me and though he agreed he doesn't see a problem with his actions - that his mistrust is something *i* have to deal with because its unlikely to change. I asked him if he was happy and he told me yes, but when i asked him how he could be happy if he didn't trust me.. he totally shut down and didn't want to talk anymore. I also told him that I dont believe he has ever looked at me the same since finding out about the net thing and he agreed.

 

The whole conversation was rather frustrating - partly because A. He doesn't think there is really a problem and/or B. He seems fine with the way things are. Part of me hoped that he would have been like.. "well yeah I know we have some things to work on and we will but I love you so its worth it" but in the end it turned into more of me listing why *i* was unhappy and either his pretending he didnt know or he honestly didnt.

 

My 30th birthday is on Tuesday and upon talking to my mother about all of this, she seems to think its 30itis... i dont know that its normal for 30 year olds to suddenly want more out of not just their life but their marriage. I made a personal list for myself of 30 things i want from 30. figured gives me 10 years to accomplish them and its full things like.. Have Honest Relationships, Be happy, Not be lonely ect. I felt empowered making that list.. seeing it made me realize that I deserve all those things.. and not only that but so does hubby. And sadly.. as more time goes by i doubt that those are things we can share together.

 

At least now i've taken a step to tell him there are problems.. that a positive step isnt it? Even if it ends the same.. at least I gave it SOME effort. I asked him about doing some counseling and he told me he didnt feel comfortable talking to a stranger about these things.. so idk what the alternatives are other than pecking at it until it either gets stronger or crumbles.

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I'm not married, and at 22 I'm probably more then a little naive, but counseling sounds like it could do wonders. From what I got from your post, he sounds like he's in denial. He knows there are problems, and he might be feeling the same way you do in that it could mean the end of the marriage..but at the moment it's just so much easier to ignore the issue and hope it goes away instead of facing the facts. In my opinion, if you can honestly admit that you still love him, I would ask him to partake in couple's therapy-as a favor to you if not anything else. I think it could really help you situation. Best of luck to you!

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Okay... I'm not married, so take my advice as you please, but your marriage does not need counseling should you choose not to go, your marriage needs focus.

 

The best way to get people to realize there are problems, are not by just telling them and trying to force them to see the way you do, as in(after I read your first "giving up" thread) just communication, the best way is to make them go in circles until they convince and realize it themselves, even if it takes time.

 

So after reading that first thread, I'd say your marriage needs focus... and you, honestly seem to not have given up on it, and your husband, even though thinking nothing is wrong... has. Point being, in order for something to grow and become stronger, you have to put energy and time into it, work work work...right? If you want your bank account to grow, you better invest time and money...right? So if you want your relationship to grow, you better damn well invest time and effort into it, or it's going down in flames.

 

So here's your basic argument, ask your husband to do you a favor, and take a piece of paper, and write down his *day* in a summarized sense. As in, what he did that day(maybe do it for a week if he really doesn't seem to get it), and how long he did each thing for, and then... go ahead and figure it up for the week. It won't take long for him to fill it out each night before he goes to sleep... then after that week is over, have him *really* take a look and add up all the hours and time he did in each activity each day... something tells me after he adds most of it up, you're somewhere near the bottom of the list in greatest total time and effort spent when it comes to communication, love, and passion.

 

He probably won't realize it for a while, but if he continues, his life is going nowhere, and neither will your marriage. Despite how much I am on giving up, I cannot honestly say I've been through what you have in marriage, but I was like your husband. Neglecting my girlfriend, playing video games all the time, keeping her on the backburner and she was just "there" and not really my focus...probably somewhat describes your marriage...right? It took me until I almost lose her to realize what I had, and what I could have lost, and it took my focus change to be more on her and her love, and what she was showing me, to save our relationship.

 

I already know it'll be damn near impossible to convince someone who doesn't think there is a problem... that there is one, but that's sad in itself because there are always problems, and always things to be worked on in life/marriage/work itself. Each day brings new challenges and problems, and if they didn't life would be boring and no one would know the better things when they happened.

 

Your husband's gameplaying and strong jealousy and control over you, will slowly destroy your marriage until you've given up... completely, it has to change, not just on his part, but yours too, because you're in this together, going around playing the blame game despite how bad it is on his end, will not help the two of you be stronger.

 

If he needs to read this, let him... because if he doesn't change he might lose the best thing in his life, to a videogame and jealousy, and that's a foolish thing to lose, because love will always be there if you're working for it, games won't be. They'll be a foolish demise to his life and continuation of problems from relationship to relationship until he gets a grip on life and realizes where his focus lies...and where it should be.

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