Why hang onto to GF/BF's with emotional baggage/issues?

[keith515]

I am a "nice guy" who tends to date girls with emotional issues and baggage. They will be very loving and then sometimes extremely rude. They drink a lot and with that comes drama. They have a history of sexual abuse in their past and face abandonment issues. They have a hard time understanding why I am with them because I am so "great." They also seem to have self-destructive behavior. They have been in bad relationships, abusive controlling ones.

 

So why do I stay or date these girls? Maybe it's guilt. I don't want to abandon them to reinforce those feelings again. But then I'm conflicted because they won't act like they want to stay. They will do things that makes me want to break up with them. And they will bring it up, "you're going to break up with me, aren't you?" Of course, my reaction is "no," just to prove that they are worth staying. They will apologize for being a * * * * * and will say they want to stay together forever and show affection at times but yet they don't act like it all the time.

 

It's not about "saving" these girls, it's kind of like I take a high and might mindset by saying, "look at me, world! Look how great I am that I am staying with a girl that has all these issues and putting up with all their crap!"

 

Another characteristic of the initial attraction from them to me is my stability. Usually, they see me as someone is very strong, together, and has my * * * * together. They desire that. Initially, they are extremely attracted to it. But eventually, that hurts the relationship.

 

It's also about showing them that there are good BF's out there.

 

How can I avoid this trap? How can I feel better about breaking up with someone who seems to be bad for me and themselves?

 

Why do you do it?

[waveseer]

Do you feel like they need a nice guy like you to heal properly from their previous mistreatment? If so, you gotta know that you can't save anyone from themselves.

[FortunateOne]

Wow buddy! With the seven pronouns focused on you and the method of opperation you employ I believe the issue is with your narcissistic approach towards control of said women; thereforee, you're not really as authentic as you think you are with these women. I'd say it's more a self esteem issue you posses that's keeping you from healthy relationships.

[keith515]

Do you feel like they need a nice guy like you to heal properly from their previous mistreatment? If so, you gotta know that you can't save anyone from themselves.

 

I overcompensate. Because of their past relationships I try to show there are truly good people out there.

[keith515]

thereforee, you're not really as authentic as you think you are with these women. I'd say it's more a self esteem issue you posses that's keeping you from healthy relationships.

 

 

I never said I was being authentic. When I said,

"look at me, world! Look how great I am that I am staying with a girl that has all these issues and putting up with all their crap!"

 

I was making a point that maybe that's why I stay, because it is a narcissistic point of view. I'm not sure if that truly is the reason, it was just theory.

 

The pattern begins goes like this:

I meet a girl. She shows interest. She throws some things out there that someone might construe as being a red flag. I ignore it because I can't make a judgment because I don't know the girl that well yet. She tells more stuff along the while, she starts showing signs of selfishness, rudeness, lack of affection, etc. I justify their actions knowing what they have been through in the past. Then, as I am further in the relationship, if I think about breaking up, I hesitate because I know there are abandonment issues and I don't want to contribute to that even though they are pushing me away.

[Maverick32x]

haha... weird.. I'm the EXACT same way... and I've thought about this a lot as well...

 

At first I thought I was just being a "nice guy"... then I thought I was trying to be the "savior" for these girls... and at some level, I am trying to be... but it all comes down to trying to show them that there are people in the world that CAN love them, and DO love them, and that I can swoop in and solve all their problems, and we'll live happily ever after.....

 

right after you put that drink down and stop telling me how much you hate men as you kick me out of my own bed for something that I didn't do, yet you're going to blame the entire male species....

 

lol, and yea, I think it has a lot to do with narcissism on my part at least... I think I'm somehow "special" and "diffrent" from everyone else... and yea, the same break up thoughts go through my head as well...

 

Oh ya, and I want to change... I can't seem to be with someone unless they have some sort of "issues" that are potentially relationship killing....

[Shadows Light]

How can I avoid this trap? How can I feel better about breaking up with someone who seems to be bad for me and themselves?

 

 

Where the heck are you finding these women? is the first question I would ask. Maybe you need a change in venue. And second of all... it's YOU. Something in you is attracting this? Do ya think you can "fix them"... why do you want to "Fix them"??? obviously it isn't doing you a bit of good.

 

And.. Thirdly, we "ALL" have baggage. The older we get and the more life experience we have, we all have a bit of baggage with us. It's just how some of us choose to pack our baggage. Some have "steam trunks" and others have learned to travel light and carry a small back pack. Baggage none the less.

[real_life_101]

I hear you. I date the same pattern type girl. I guess it's like the knight in armour saga, Like we are going to save the day and everything is going to workout in the end. These women are usually damaged and cannot fix themselves nor can you fix them, they need pro help. I just recently was starting to see another one. I saw the pattern quick and I am getting out, it sucks because I really like this girl. I however cant treat her like * * * * , and she is very disrespectful almost like she is provolking me. I just kill her with kindness for now, but that gets old quick.

[JadedStar]

You date them because your self esteem is low enough to allow their rude behavior to you.

 

Everyone has SOME emotional baggage. We can't really get around that. But dating someone with alcohol problems or issues that cause them to treat YOU poorly should not be tolerated.

 

I am a well rounded person but even I have baggage. Like i said we all do, especially once past our twenties. The difference is i do not abuse my partner due to my issues. I have dealt with them accordingly. I do not take it out on other people.

 

I think part of you thinks you can "save" these women. You can't. Find someone who shares your values from the onset and don't be afraid early on in dating to move on if you find she is not right for you.

[wowzers]

i tend to believe that you probably are more inclined to date these girls because you feel like you offer some type of help or can reinstate some type of confidence in them they didn't have before, and as a result you believe they see this in you and thereforee they will get better and you will be a savior and a great boyfriend, etc...

 

but let's get real. people with emotional problems are very self-centered typically and if you are aiding them in any way they are probably not giving you any credit for any said help. but chances are that you aren't really helping them at all, only think you are. maybe this whole mentality stems from an insecurity of your own, or maybe you just have bad luck with picking these girls, or maybe you are drawn to the girls that need "help" because emotionally unstable people are usually more desperate for attention, or desperate for relationships, that is.

 

best advice i can give is be single for a while and don't give in to the temptation of dating anyone. this can potentially clear your mind of this hindrance and in a few months maybe you will feel more attracted to the girl that acts like she doesn't need you or anyone else. yes, while she will be harder to get, chances are she is solid and isn't going to recreate this whole issue for you. my opinion: being single and free of this type of baggage but trying for the girls harder to get is the way to go. quality>quantity. good luck.

[nutbrownhare]

You might like to do a search on codependency ... I've taken this from another site, but it might fit for you.

 

'As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.

 

Even when a codependent person encounters someone with healthy boundaries, the codependent person still operates in their own system; they’re not likely to get too involved with people who have healthy boundaries. This of course creates problems that continue to recycle; if codependent people can’t get involved with people who have healthy behaviors and coping skills, then the problems continue into each new relationship.'

 

There will be all sorts of potential payoffs for this pattern; you will know yours better than anyone else. Whatever, if you want to break free from this you have to start with yourself. That's if you want to.

[real_life_101]

I dont think it's a self esteem issue. I think it an issue of knowing you are better then most of the clowns out there. I think it's an esteem issue for the girls we attract, they seem to want to be treated badly because that what makes them comfortable and they are drawn to that, it is definitly a pattern. I am a nice guy, but a fair guy, so it gives me that nice guy/badboy attitude. I think they get conflicted. The last girl seemed like when I ignored her she was drawn to me, when I let my guard down she ran. Now I can continue to play this game or leave. I am choosing the later...

[keith515]

Where the heck are you finding these women? is the first question I would ask. Maybe you need a change in venue. And second of all... it's YOU. Something in you is attracting this? Do ya think you can "fix them"... why do you want to "Fix them"??? obviously it isn't doing you a bit of good.

 

 

I meet them at work, bars, school. Wherever. I do attract them. Even girls that are friends of mine fit the same characteristics. Yes, I believe it is something in me that is attracting them. I'm just not sure what it is. There is one common characteristic is that every girls that fit the characteristics would be the ones that would be aggressive in making the first move. All the girls I dated made the first move. So I give them a chance.

 

I never said I want to "fix them." I am a very non-controlling BF. I don't try to change them and I am not jealous in the slightest bit. I just be me. But I know that I try to be more productive and motivated. Meaning I try to impress them more. It's complicated.

[keith515]

it sucks because I really like this girl. I however cant treat her like * * * * , and she is very disrespectful almost like she is provolking me. I just kill her with kindness for now, but that gets old quick.

 

That's how I feel. I feel if you treat them with kindness, you should receive the same. You reap what you sow. But that wasn't the case. The last girl did make me feel like she was provoking me. But then that makes it harder to break up because I want to prove that I can stick around to show that they are worthy.

 

So if you want to call it saving, go ahead. But to be more precise, it's about showing them that they are worth it and are worth staying around for. But when they act like the way they do, it makes it so much harder to stay.

[keith515]

I dont think it's a self esteem issue. I think it an issue of knowing you are better then most of the clowns out there. I think it's an esteem issue for the girls we attract, they seem to want to be treated badly because that what makes them comfortable and they are drawn to that, it is definitly a pattern. .

 

Yes, it's the opposite. I don't know the term but it's knowing that I am a good guy. But what makes extremely upset is when I see them date some loser who is abusive or controlling.

[keith515]

You might like to do a search on codependency ... I've taken this from another site, but it might fit for you.

 

'As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.

 

 

I've done some research on it. I even bought a couple of books on it. It is me to an extent but I don't think it tells the whole story. Nothing is black and white with me, it's all gray.

[FortunateOne]

I dont think it's a self esteem issue. I think it an issue of knowing you are better then most of the clowns out there. I think it's an esteem issue for the girls we attract, they seem to want to be treated badly because that what makes them comfortable and they are drawn to that, it is definitly a pattern. I am a nice guy, but a fair guy, so it gives me that nice guy/badboy attitude. I think they get conflicted. The last girl seemed like when I ignored her she was drawn to me, when I let my guard down she ran. Now I can continue to play this game or leave. I am choosing the later...

 

That's how I feel. I feel if you treat them with kindness, you should receive the same. You reap what you sow. But that wasn't the case. The last girl did make me feel like she was provoking me. But then that makes it harder to break up because I want to prove that I can stick around to show that they are worthy.

 

So if you want to call it saving, go ahead. But to be more precise, it's about showing them that they are worth it and are worth staying around for. But when they act like the way they do, it makes it so much harder to stay.

 

I guess you both are in denial about your low self esteem issues since you post justify your actions by blaming the unhealthy problems on these unappreciative women. Red flags are called red flags for a purpose; it warns of impending doom about the person. To manipulate these women into changing their world view and then complain about it is a selfish act on it's own merit. See how calling yourself a nice guy is a farce?

 

The real reason you behave in this manner is for pure selfish validation issues. You want to be acknowledged as saviors and to receive loads of attention for it. This is the exact behavior of the jerks you're trying to rescue these women from. Now do you notice the pattern? You are the same type of man that they are attracted to. You passive aggressively wind up leaving them because they don't sing your praises. Do you understand how egocentric this is?

 

This is why you need to work on your self esteem before finding a healthy relationship. Love is about giving, not keeping score. A healthy woman will see your validation issues as a red flag and not want to date you for it. This is why you settle for unhealthy women. You both don't feel worthy of a healthy woman for the fact that you can't be equally healthy. You need the reassurance that an unhealthy woman brings so that you feel wanted. Please, I implore you to look deep inside to change for the better.

[real_life_101]

I see your point about keeping score. I guess in the beginning everything was new thus the honeymoon phase so alot of things got overlooked. Now the head is starting to get clearer and you start to see the selfish actions. I totally blame myself for taking the abuse, it was my duty to put a stop to it then. I still dont think it's an esteem issue, it was just giving someone a chance. People make mistakes, it's just when there are to many you have to weigh your options.

[Cygnus]

As was said earlier in this thread, we ALL have "baggage"....That being said, its how you react to these things...in OTHERS... that define YOU in these situations.

 

I am FINALLY coming out of a dreadful relationship...PERMANENTLY...one which I should have ended 2 1/2 years ago.

 

I fell in love with a woman that is a survivor of ICSA....had the intense honeymoon period, then the "abuse" of me started. Well, I accepted the apparent contempt she had for me, her total disregard of my feeling....a whole ton of behavior that should have made me leave her...of course, I didn't until this month...I nearly had a nervous break~down as I was actually FEELING pain and illness.

 

Now, I surely understand my role in this going so out of control, and that was simply my decision to accept her while she was treating me terribly...

 

~ I thought we were so right together...well...two to four days a WEEK...

 

~ I thought I could give her support and we could manage...probably me thinking I'm some kind of hero, though I didn't directly think that.

 

~ I even brushed aside the fact that >1/2 the time we made love, she was (passively) terrified...I ignored it like it wasn't happening/blocked it out...I'm sure I didn't do her any "favors" there...my~bad, big time.

 

I could go on, but the point is clear. I stayed because I was being needy, and Co~Dependant (duh)....and I believe I know why...It had been a long time I felt love at all in my life before she came along. I had lost my parents and my Brother in a relatively small time scale when I was in my early 20's, and it took a lot out of me....but I felt ready when I met her....I wasn't even "looking", and she asked me out....the rest is history.

 

I was "afraid" to let go early on, and I know there were way too many reasons I should have....

 

The pain is slipping away....It has been NC for a while, and I know for sure we can't be together and feel NO DESIRE to contact her, and she's leaving me alone, thankfully.

 

I believe I learned a tough, but very important lesson...Do not accept the non~acceptable, no matter what.

[Shadows Light]

You might like to do a search on codependency ... I've taken this from another site, but it might fit for you.

codependency....codependency....codependency.....That was the word I was seaching for. Marion Beatie wrote a book, "Co-dependant No More"...

glad you've started reseach in this. And yes... we are many shades of gray not just black/white. Co-dependants tend to subconsciously pick these types of relationships, as you are doing again and again purposefully... you get some kind of payoff....or expect some kind of pay-off, when the pay-off doesn't happen, thats when we start getting ticky over the entire relationship. We're putting in our fair share... why isn't the other person responding to "our" expectations.

[keith515]

codependency....codependency....codependency.....That was the word I was seaching for. Marion Beatie wrote a book, "Co-dependant No More"...

g

 

I just recently bought that book, but... it's not really hitting me. Sure there are some things I can relate to but it didn't blow me away like I thought/hoped it would. You know, that feeling of having an epiphany when you finally understand why you do the things that you do.

 

While reading the book, I'm finding out co-dependency is so very broad, I feel that there is something more specific such as this which I came upon a few months ago:

 

(Sorry I don't have the original author. It was an article something about the wrong reasons to love).

Mistaking sympathy for love

This one was mine and I could have easily earned a PhD in “Love Rescue Missions.” It starts out with good intention to “make it up” for someone who has been badly hurt either emotionally, physically or financially and it ends with you feeling guilty for abandoning them too. You find yourself trapped in a relationship with someone who loves and needs you more than you do them. A relationship based on sympathy and guilt – or on the extreme pity – is emotionally and even spiritually unhealthy and will only end hurting the person you are trying to protect from being hurt.

 

I think sympathy is a big part of it. If that's co-dependent, then that's what I am. I would feel sympathetic because I know they have been through so much heartache and pain that I will be less reluctant to stand up for myself because they are so defensive. And to add to that, I didn't want to give up on them because they seemed to have given up on themselves. We see something good in them and we wish, they would see it themselves. It makes us angry, upset, and disgusted.

[Cygnus]

I never felt genuine "sympathy", what I believed in was the times of pure connection...they DID happen, but there was no sustain. I grasped at fleeting moments....days actually.

 

I do acknowledge that I hoped that my love would be a "wake~up call" for her...to realize love is real, and safe, and good...

 

...it was not enough....and, in the end, it wasn't enough for ME!

 

It is THE END! I must define and adhere to my boundries...

 

If we ALL did this, perhaps this thread wouldn't be here.

[real_life_101]

Nahh neither one of these girls, the last two I dated lasted very long, they were total control freaks, my way or the highway types. I made the slightest error and they were pissed beyond anything I can discribe. They felt they were doormats in thier prior relationships, so instead of going for help to learn how to be assertive, they went the other direction. I do understand it, but dont undrstand why it takes women so long to heal. The first girl I could understand she was married for 9 years, The second was only dating a guy for a year and had a year to heal. They both were upfront and said they had trust issues. I thought I could deal because I am a trustworthy person. But wham first sign of conflict they were running. I did not yell or scream just useds assertive communication.

[Vulcan800]

So if you can't help these kind of people and they can't or wont help themselves what do you do??

 

The chances that they are going to get involved with people and relationships with people that don't care about them or understand them and perhaps even be abussive or treat them badly are high. So how do you prevent that from happening to protect themselves??

 

I understand exactly what the OP is saying. I have been there myself with my ex. She was exactly as the OP had mentioned except the drinking.

 

The thing is though, When I met my ex I did not see ALL the issues right off the bat. I did feel like I wanted to protect her and save her from getting with the wrong type of people and situations.

 

I did not feel like I had self esteem issues nor did I feel like I was high and mighty and was going to save this girl. All I thought at the time was wow ok she had some rough times and perhaps I can show her or help her out by being the guy I am which is a decent guy.

 

However, the problem lies when being that nice guy you make allowences for unacceptable behavior and become a doormat. My thinking was, when she would act up, I would be more tolorent of her behavior justifying it by telling myself she has had it kinda rough.

 

Like the OP stated also, You don't want to just break up with the person because then you would feel like you are doing to them what everyone before you in thier life has done cast them aside so you don't want to do that. In my case, it wasn't because of guilt so much it was because I really did love her and cared about her. It wasn't like I stayed with my ex out of guilt it was just part of being who I am. Being that nice guy and carring about someone.

 

The killer of a realtionship like that is when you give and give and give some more to try and prove that things don't have to be like what they are used to and at the same time they get that rude crazy behavior going on and that causes tenssion and eventualy they split leaving you with what did I do wrong???

 

They don't appreciate what you did do for them be it they never had anyone that was good to them and they don't know how to handle that or they just like living a screwed up way of life I don't know

 

The worst part about it is, guys like the OP and myself care for the person so when the relationship fails you have the time and effort already invested to a degree and you do know the person so to see them leave you and live a self destructive lifestyle it leaves you with all sorts of wonderment, confussion, questions and everything else.

 

So how do you help a person like that???? to me it seems like they are just destined to live a screwed up life because I highly doubt that they will see for themselves or even if they do know things are messed up they will not take the intiative to get help for themselves and it is highly unlikely they will let anyone else help them either.

 

I don't think the problem lies so much with attracting these girls as it is that it's just being a nice guy who ends up trying to help someone.

[Robert013]

I was with a women like this for 7 years. I had to bend over backwards to please her. She ended up breaking my son's and my heart.

 

These kind of women move on quickly from relationship to relationship.

 

I will never get caught up with a needy, selfish, emotionally confused women again. It will just hurt you in the long run. Get out now and stop thinking you are saving them. You are not you are only hurting yourself.

 

Find someone that will treat you right all the time. Someone who can talk about problems without exploding in rage. I know I have been there.