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Hi Everyone,

 

This thread is aimed at people who are struggling to accept the end of ther relationships, and want to heal.

 

It is true that I still think of my ex on a daily basis, but I am also preoccupied by the things that are IN my life.

 

A few weeks ago I cried my last tears over him, and realised that he has too many issues for me to deal with. Although I love the warm side of him, I cannot accept the cold and calculating side of him, in fact, I HATE that side of him. thereforee I cannot hand on heart sit here and state that I love him uconditionally. As soon as I admitted that to myself, I realised that I do not love him or accept him for who he is.

 

Like I say, I had jus stepped out of the shower and was sat on the edge of my bed drying my hair and shedding a few tears, and I suddenly stopped and said, "Can something good happen to me so that this year hasn't been a complete disaster?"

 

Anyway, a couple of weeks later I get called into my boss's office, and I got offered a promotion to work on a project in personnel! I have worked solidly in finance for 3 years and have gained a fantastic reputation, but I feel as though I have done all I can do there now. The personnel department needs revamping, and I have been offered the job, more money and a bonus! I am so thrilled!

 

Furthermore, the person I now work with used to be a very good friend of mine. He had feelings for me and one night on a work's night out, accused me of trying to steal someone's boyfriend! He wouldn't apologise, even when the guy and his girlfriend stuck up for me and told him that he was imagining things, (not that it was any of his busiess anyway), but even still, he didn't speak to me ofr a good 6 months - or NC

 

Anyway, we started speaking again after I started saying hello to him in the corridors in work, but we never rebuilt that friendship...........

 

So first thing on Monday, I walk into the office and he had made me a cup of coffee, bought me a bar of chocolate and he said:

 

"*Stella....This is the first chance I've had to talk to you, and I just wanted to say sorry..."

 

I was really taken aback. Its been 14 months sice we stopped being friends, and not even a year since we started acknowledging each other again. I thought it was completely brushed under the carpet, so I told him he didn't have to apologise, but he said he knew e was wrong and never meant to hurt me. Furthermore, it was HIM wh had put my name forward to help on the project in Personnel and he was really looking forward to working with me.

 

 

Its given me a little bit of faith in the opposite sex again I suppose. Often the way you think a person in percieving you isn't the truth. You need to stop thinking about what they think of you, if they think of you, and how often they think of you, if at all. If you have been yourself, been true to yourself and never apologised for it.... If you can walk away without a guilty conscience and handled yourself with dignity, then I can assure you that they only thnk of good things.

 

If a person uses NC as a punishment it will only hurt them.

 

If a person cannot apologise for their behaviour it should only eat them up.

 

If a person cannot look you in the eye, or treat you with the respect you deserve, it is because they are not coping with the situation.

 

 

If the above three things apply to you, then let them hurt themselves. Don't let it hurt you. You cannot control how they behave, but you can control how you behave. I could tell my friend felt a huge weight lift off him. We have had a ball this week, and although it'll take a bit of work to get our friendship back on track, I'm willing to put the effort in.

 

I feel like my life is now fully back on track. I am not looking for a new relatioship, when it happens it happens, but I have faith in people again, and better still, I have faith in myself and know I'm ok now.

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I think that is very true. I don't think I'll ever speak to my ex again, nor will he speak to me or apologize, but I guess it doesn't matter. He won't talk to me because he feels bad for what he did. He can't face his fear of seeing me at the lowest point in my life, because he caused me to be this way. He will probably never be able to fully look me in the face. It's something that I am getting over, and I don't doubt he'll end up dealing with the regret a lot longer than I will.

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I think sulking has a lot to do with things. People can stay mad at others for weeks months and years, then they reach a point where they have lashed out for so long, mainly by ignoring the other, that they want closure but feel like they have done too much damage in the situation to go back and apologise.

 

I think his is very true of my ex. He acted like a jerk the last time we saw each other. I acted with dignity. We kissed and hugged goodbye, but since that night - NC on both parts. For me its a respect issue, and to also sort my head out. For him - pure unadulterated sulky-man-syndrome! Its a big part of his personality. But you know what, I'm not making the first move again and brushing it under the carpet. He is 34 years of age, and I can't tolerate this BS off him. I am not punishing him, but I am not babying him. He knows I will talk to huim if he contacts me, but I know he thinks he's taken things too far, and its been too long us not talking for him to apologise (in his eyes). This is something he has to live with, I'm over it.

 

I think a lot of the healing proccess is to not expect or wait around for the apology. If you truley believe that you are in the right, then an apology isn't going to make a huge amount of difference. The damage has been done.

 

Back to my friend: For me, I had already forgiven and forgotten. His apology was not needed, but it was appreciated. In short, I think he benefited from it more than me. It has obviously eaten at him for over a year.

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I think that is very true. I don't think I'll ever speak to my ex again, nor will he speak to me or apologize, but I guess it doesn't matter. He won't talk to me because he feels bad for what he did. He can't face his fear of seeing me at the lowest point in my life, because he caused me to be this way. He will probably never be able to fully look me in the face. It's something that I am getting over, and I don't doubt he'll end up dealing with the regret a lot longer than I will.

 

 

 

i am dealing with the exact same thing....total avoidance....but i know if he ever saw me out in public, he would feel so sad.

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Stella,

 

So nice to see how well you are doing. I am smiling as I write this knowing that you are seeing the light at the end of your tunnel and it is brighter than ever. Please keep spreading your words of encouragement to all of us not so far along.

I have been making amends in my life for past mistakes that actually bothered me more than the person I did them to. Some very old, but it is never to late to try and make things right in ours lives.

 

I wish you all the best in your new position and your new outlet on your wonderful life.

 

lost

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Lost,

 

Once again, a great post that inspires people.

 

 

Stella,

 

These observations of yours show great insight in the workings of the ego and its dysfuctional nature:

 

"If a person uses NC as a punishment it will only hurt them.

 

If a person cannot apologise for their behaviour it should only eat them up.

 

If a person cannot look you in the eye, or treat you with the respect you deserve, it is because they are not coping with the situation."

 

We all need to incorporate them into our view of relationships.

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Stella,

 

So nice to see how well you are doing. I am smiling as I write this knowing that you are seeing the light at the end of your tunnel and it is brighter than ever. Please keep spreading your words of encouragement to all of us not so far along.

I have been making amends in my life for past mistakes that actually bothered me more than the person I did them to. Some very old, but it is never to late to try and make things right in ours lives.

 

I wish you all the best in your new position and your new outlet on your wonderful life.

 

lost

 

 

Thank you so much for posting that Lost.

 

I feel like I too have made ammends, although maybe I tried to prove too hard that I am a good person to him... Something that he should have seen the first time around.

 

I suppose the real reason I went back there was because he blamed me for everything, (which was completely out of order), and I couldn't heal because of it. The reason I left again was I was just so sick of trying to figure him out... I don't even think he knows why he acts the way he does. But it has got him nowhere and this time around he can only blame himself.

 

He told me: "You are the bet ex-gf I've ever had.... I hate the others!"

 

I know that this is true. It is easier for him to blame the other person, as it will allow him sleep at night.

 

I am proud of the way I handled myself the last time we saw each other. He cannot say the same. I gave him a few home truths, and he didn't argue with them. I wish the night had gone the way it should have, because I might have told him that I still loved him, but he showed me that I can't love him the way I want to - and that is unconditionally.

 

He checked out other girls, commented on them etc. Then accused me of being jealous when I said he was being a bit rude.

 

Asked me if I liked anyone eery 5 minutes.

 

Asked me if I had been on any dates lately.

 

Accused my male friends of wanting to sleep with me.

 

Told me it didn't bother him.

 

Said that every one of my male friends wants to sleep with me.

 

Told me I was beautiful.

 

Bit me! (Yes that is he BIT my shoulder)

 

 

Totally bazzarre behaviour that left me wondering what the hell he was playing at, and what I ever saw in him? Reminded me that he got into these strange moods which in turn put me in these very awkward predicaments where he made me feel like it was all in my head.

 

 

It's good to be free!

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Stella,

 

These observations of yours show great insight in the workings of the ego and its dysfuctional nature:

 

"If a person uses NC as a punishment it will only hurt them.

 

If a person cannot apologise for their behaviour it should only eat them up.

 

If a person cannot look you in the eye, or treat you with the respect you deserve, it is because they are not coping with the situation."

 

We all need to incorporate them into our view of relationships.

 

 

Deffinately!

 

I'm a great believer that you do it to yourself! If you wanna hurt someone you will always succeed, but you'll chip off a bit of your soul in the process.

 

It can become all too consuming. We've all been there.

 

I used to believe that only the person who hurts us can take the pain away. But really, only the person who prolongs the pain can take it away.

 

I have put myself through hell this year. As soon as I started loving myself, the pain started to fade.

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Deffinately!

 

I'm a great believer that you do it to yourself! If you wanna hurt someone you will always succeed, but you'll chip off a bit of your soul in the process.

 

It can become all too consuming. We've all been there.

 

I used to believe that only the person who hurts us can take the pain away. But really, only the person who prolongs the pain can take it away.

 

I have put myself through hell this year. As soon as I started loving myself, the pain started to fade.

 

I agree. The person that prolongs the pain is the only one that can end it. That person is, of course, ourselves. Whatever the other person says or does to us or thinks or feels about us, can never do us harm. It is OUR reaction to those that casues us suffering. Emotional reactions are personal. They are casued by us.

 

As I found out, once I starting accepting my life situation as it is, the pain started to subside. Maybe we are saying the same thing in a different way.

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Its all about taking charge of your own life again. Acceptance is key. You can only do so much. I can walk away saying:

 

1) I tried even though I felt so broken

 

2) I was too scared to tell him how I felt because of his past behaviour and because of my fear of rejection

 

3) He made me scared

 

4) He made me insecure

 

5) I kept feeling 3 & 4 because I kept chasing the idea that he was the one

 

 

Since I have let go, I have regained my confidence and strut.

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