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SiMas
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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I dunno if this is the right category, but i've posted here before so whatever. No fancy poet talk this time, just me and my thoughts. So i'll just start at the beginning:

 

For a few months now every now and then i feel numb. Happens out of the blue usually. One second I'm fine and then I don't feel anything. I'm pretty sure it happens after i feel an emotion at a certain level. As in a strong level. The last time was at a CVS with my dad. It was like my body was in auto pilot and i was just watching everything i was doing (if that makes any sense). It took me about an hour to get over it and then i was my other peppy self. I have many selves but peppy is usually the one i go back to (its the one accepted the most in public)

 

Anyway the numbness is back. But this time its only halfway. My mind is numb and i can barely think (hence the tard talk, usually i try to be more eloquent but whatev....)

 

I don't want a life analysis here's why: My life rocks

I have every game system known to man

All the books i want to read

A laptop (which without i wouldn't be posting)

Tons of friends, 90% of whom REALLY annoy me (also one of many lovely qualities: MANY THINGS ANNOY ME especially people

don't know why guess im just wired that way

but anyway back on track

 

i don't want any faith preachers. i'm agnostic. i guess that sorta means i believe in god and frankly i think agnostics are just egotists who think they can come up with a better concept but now im just making fun of myself. anyway im not going into my religious background any further, but plz no preachers

 

I just want something close to a diagnosis without going to a doctor which would involve me having to tell my parents how i am

just plz someone give me some advice

im feeling everything right now i just can't think

this has never happened before im either totally numb or im a roller coaster

 

i just want some easy help

at this point im ready to kill myself just because im tired of being the manifestation of collected personalities

Who am i?

i thought i knew but i don't think i do

and im too tired to figure it out

death sounds more exciting every day

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i guess

its just that the bouts of numbness are usually pretty random

one second im happy the next im in an impenetrable fog

im showing signs of depression and i know it

i need to go on some meds but i don't want the meds to change who i am

i've seen some people who take them

they're like hollow shells of their former selves

don't want that

i'd rather be numb than a wraith

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I understand the fear of losing myself due to psychotropic medication. Eventually, I knew I would stop functioning without it so I didn't have too many other options. As it turns out I am more myself than ever when I'm on it. If I ever feel otherwise I have nothing stopping me from trying something else instead.

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Hm, well then I guess it couldn't hurt could it? I'll try and talk to my mom about it over christmas break. She's the lesser of two evils. My dad would just laugh, or get extremely angry, not wanting to accept facts. Thanks for the post, it helped. Let's hope that whatever medication I take will help

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I do believe you are speaking of depersonalization

 

it coudl happen from a number of reasons. for some, it is some sort of chemical thing in the brain. for others, it just happens when you drink too much caffeine.

 

really though, I don't know much about it. you may want to read up about it:

 

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