After a big fight which unexpectedly led to a break up, how do we recover???

[Eggs]

BF: 39

Me: 38

 

Relationship length: 1 yr 9 mo. We were seriously making steps and plans to marry and establish a home together.

 

Other details: I am divorced with 2 young children.

 

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BF and I had a completely unexpected blow-out the night before Thanksgiving. What started out as a wonderful night together, cooking in and headed to our favorite watering hole, ended up horribly wrong.

 

Basically, we had a mis-communication, combined with alcohol led to BF angered by things that I said . He got physical (puffed up chest coming toward me, looking downward intimidatingly, eventually to grabbing my hands and pulling me upstairs, not letting go while I plead with him). I pushed his chest back when he first came at me ... eventually, when he did not let me go, I scratched him on the chin out of fear for my life. I even pressed the call button in the garage. At one point he took hold of me and said in a very down-talking way, "you don't disrespect me like that."

 

He got me upstairs into his condo -- I feared that he may really hit me, but he didn't. I began spatting out words that could hurt him (like, this is why the other girlfriends left). He blocked the doorway, saying "you are drunk, you need sleep". Full of fear, and his blocking the door, I tried to ram him with my luggage when he wouldn't move. That didn't work, so I gave in and, with my jacket on, layed on the bed. I told him "this is really it, we are done." He shut the door and left me alone. In the dark, I cried, and then came to my survival senses... considered my options, braced to defend myself. laying there in fear, I knew in my gut that our relationship was OVER. Done deal.

 

He stayed on the couch.

 

Note, we are both totally level headed, professional, conservative, verbal types. Something like this has NEVER come even close to happening.

 

We both did not sleep. I woke up, Thanksgiving morning, still fearful, but determined to get out of there safely, packed up my stuff swiftly. We returned each other's keys, without words, and I left.

 

Since then, I started down the path so familiar, grieving the loss of love. I immediately called a friend to recount the crazy incident. I was in shock. Just days before we were celebrating steps taken towards our future.

 

I grieved, cried, felt lonely, missed him, etc. After talking with several friends and reading up on various related topics, I'm starting to shift, realizing that we both still love each other .. that what happened was real, but out of character. I want to see if we can figure out what the hell went wrong and put us back together (if possible).

 

The problem is, neither one of us is a therapist. We both are thinking, caring, smart people, but lack tools to effectively analyze, and solve the problems in order to move forward together.

 

How do you all resolve and tackle the issues of the fight/argument? How do I approach??

[RougeKali823]

You need to sit down and talk with a mediator b/c you have two small children who could have walked in on this. Perhaps having someone sit in b/w you two could help this out. Was this the first time something like this happened?

[Eggs]

The kids were not with me that night... they were on visitation with their Dad.

 

Yes, this was the first time anything like this has happened.

 

The root is our communication problem. BF tends to not explain some of his responses to me. Like, "the reason I am annoyed, is not because of you, but because of work" ... instead his answer may be one that just cuts me off or our conversation short. Does that make sense?

 

Oh, and to add ... his short responses, in turn, sometimes have me going in for more questions to understand ... or I may take offense and say something, not exactly articulate of my feelings.

 

Thank you for your help

[RougeKali823]

Yeah, it makes sense. Me and my ex had a similar problem I think you two should arrange to sit down and talk about this (with just the two of you) since this was the first blowup like that. Good that the kids weren't there-but I believe that your bf needs to hear from you that effective communication is imperative for the success of your relationship and impending marriage. Are you all in premarital counseling?

[Eggs]

another adder ... we both realize that our good intentions are there, but the way we communicate is tripping us up.

[Eggs]

...I believe that your bf needs to hear from you that effective communication is imperative for the success of your relationship and impending marriage. Are you all in premarital counseling?

 

I am so glad that you suggested that. It is exactly what my good friend pointed out too.

 

May seem obvious, but it is like murky water to me. AND I want it to be crystal clear, especially if we're talking marriage.

 

Thank you so much!

[Eggs]

Try couples therapy? Concentrating on communication?

 

This really helps -- I think we both want this to work, we have the love, desire, and many parts and pieces ... we both can learn tools in therapy, emphasis on communication.

 

Thanks for the suggestion.

 

Has anyone gone through therapy such as this??

[RougeKali823]

No problem, I'm sure things will work out. Good luck.

[RougeKali823]

Yes, my aunt conducts this type of couple's therapy and she says it works. She's been married about 30 years and hasn never had a couple under her care divorce. From what I see they get better after the sessions.

 

 

 

This really helps -- I think we both want this to work, we have the love, desire, and many parts and pieces ... we both can learn tools in therapy, emphasis on communication.

 

Thanks for the suggestion.

 

Has anyone gone through therapy such as this??

[Eggs]

Thanks again Cmplx. Helps to have feedback like yours

[RougeKali823]

You're welcome.

[Eggs]

With your help, I just contacted BF. I am clearer after this post.

 

Thanks guys. I am seriously going to see that we get premarital or communication therapy.

[Eggs]

My husband and I tried it years ago, he did not find it positive for him, he felt like he was being picked on so he never went back. I think it is worth a shot however and if you get a therapist you both like then it will be great. Find one you both get along with. communication is without a doubt the MOST important thing in a relationship.

 

I hear ya on that. Prior to my divorce, ex and I went into therapy. Actually, it felt like I was the one under the magnifying glass. I take that seriously and know that there are MANY things I need to uncover and work on.

 

In hindsight, I don't think we had the right therapist, but we were desperate for someone's help, couldn't take weeks/months to interview.

 

My aunt is also a family therapist ... she says that people need to interview at least 5 ... even so, it is very difficult to find one that is a good match.

 

Thank you.

[RougeKali823]

Good, hope everything works out.

[Sn0man]

Uh - aside from the fact that you are both level heade professionals, you've now seen eachothers dark side. And from what you wrote, it's pretty dark.

 

He sounds scary, from how you've put it. You sound scared, from how you've put it.

 

I don't think there's any recovery from that kind of encounter - neither of you will ever forget it.

 

Not the kind of advice you're looking for, i'm sure, but if you can be put in a situation where you fear for your life from the person you're planning on spending the rest of your life with -- then you shouldn't be spending the rest of your life with this person.

[Eggs]

I definitely appreciate that Sn0man. I agree with that too ... it has been my outlook. I will definitely keep that front/center. However, I realized after thinking about things 3 days straight, that I needed some answers to what happened.

 

Perhaps that dark side can't be repaired???! I know friends/family that have come back from some serious relationship strainers (alcoholism, cheating, etc.)

 

I realized that I'm not ready to 100% give up on this relationship at this moment. I need more info. I'm hoping that therapy will be a good step.

[Sn0man]

If he's willing to do the therapy thing with you then I suppose that's a step forward. But you have to consider the fact that you are going into therapy together pre-maritally. What does this say about your future? How many more times will you have to do this? How many more times will this type of thing happen?

 

This should't be happening at all, let alone before a marriage. Call it a red flag. For the both of you.

 

I had something like this happen once with a former fiance. Not as dramatic, but it had overtones which ring familiar bells to me.

 

When we decided to continue the relationship, things didn't change. She still threw phones at me, and I still stormed off to the bar whenever she got upset.

 

A tiger never changes its' stripes.

[Eggs]

When/if we talk about the fight, I will be listening for how he responds and his account of that night. If he is blaming and not taking responsibility, then it sadly, will be over again at that moment. I am expecting to hear remorse and accountability.

 

I don't know how many times. We are not engaged, yes it would be pre marital, but I think we can keep trying to figure it out until it can't go anywhere else.

 

I'm jumping the gun here because, who knows, he may call me back and say he doesn't want to try.

 

Life has very unexpected turns and twists.

 

Thanks so much for your input.

[thejigsup]

I agree with sn0man, it will either get better, or you are dead. I would not take that chance whle there are kids in the picture. I've left every single man that physically threatened me. I'm still alive. You will most likely be hurt badly if you stay, but that is your decision. What if he did this in front of, or to, your kids? Would you say "counseling is what we need", or would you get the heck out? Only you can answer that. Your kids should not be put in danger just because you don't want a broken heart.

[Eggs]

oh great, now I'm not so sure again.

 

the first and foremost thought are my kids.

 

ok, let me see how this conversation process goes.

 

nothing is set in stone.

 

thanks the jig.

[lady00]

I have to agree with Sn0man on this. You were both physically violent towards each other. It's a bit hard for me to tell whether or not you were reacting in self defense or in retaliation. Which was it? In any event, neither of you should be laying a hand on the other. Reading this scared me a bit--you were actually afraid of him and he purposely intimidated you physically and moved you physically. And then you hit him with luggage. IMO, this type of interaction is toxic and it's scary because it could very well happen again. If it were me, I would not stick around, but I realize that is just one person's opinion. Just saying--when there is any type of physical violence on either end, I would advise both people to step back, stay away from each other, and get counseling. But I would think that it would be next to impossible to get things back to the way they were. Sorry if I sound all gloom and doom about this, but this is my honest opinion.

[lady00]

When/if we talk about the fight, I will be listening for how he responds and his account of that night. If he is blaming and not taking responsibility, then it sadly, will be over again at that moment. I am expecting to hear remorse and accountability.

 

Many people who use physical force are later remorseful, very remorseful. And then they do it again.

[Sn0man]

When/if we talk about the fight, I will be listening for how he responds and his account of that night. If he is blaming and not taking responsibility, then it sadly, will be over again at that moment. I am expecting to hear remorse and accountability..

Don't get me wrong here - it takes two. If/When you go to therapy to address this issue, don't make it one sided. You said yourself this started because of what you said, then did. I'm not taking his side here - but you need to understand, completely, that one person cannot start a war by him/herself. It takes two, so you're going to have to accept your own responsibility for this as well.

 

I'm certain he'll be expecting to hear remorse/accountability from you as well.

 

Again, don't get me wrong. What he did and how he did it was wrong. There's no two ways about it. But you had a hand in it as well. So if you intend to resolve this - remember that.

 

Aside from what i've written above, I still firmly believe that you have both taken it too far. Him by getting physical and you by getting verbal. I have never in my own experience seen a couple recover from that deep of a conflict. And I think it best to end what could potentially be an explosive and potentially fatal relationship.

[Eggs]

Sn0,

 

Thanks ... I agree it takes 2 and I do take responsibility.

 

The level of what I said, and we did not use one cursing word throughout, was about going out to a late night supper. He wanted to get home and dismissed what I said. Although, it was his idea in the very first place.

 

That's the background and annoying to read, because it's part of the intricate conversation.

 

I know that the goal is not to be "right" when trying to learn, understand what happened. I truly want to hash out what exactly went on and wrong. I've been replaying the whole thing in my head over and over and over. I have my theory on the triggers for both of us. I want to hear how he processed it and how he responds.

 

We're trying to determine a meeting time/place to discuss what happened.

 

I don't have any expectations of what will come out of it. I may even lower my expectations to prepare myself for further grieving and loss...

 

Thank you all, truly.

[Eggs]

Hmmmm ... I re-read what I wrote. I've been around long enough to know that although the argument started over a benign topic such as "going to a late night meal" ... it really was about another issue.

 

I think it relates with the pressure of big changes we were planning for. Me/kids moving to a house that he/we would buy ... the horrible economy, losses in stocks, etc., planning for marriage, baby ... The whole thing is scraped now with the unfortunate turn of events. We knew just how large these life event are (I've been through all of them already), but didn't realize the feelings associated with the pressures.

 

Perhaps, we were not strong enough to bear all of the above, even if we were just talking and beginning to plan.

 

Make sense?