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HELP!! I'm on the verge of leaving??!!


lucasgallery
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this ...
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this First

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My husband and I have been married almost 3 years,and together for 4.

He has NEVER been very sexual,affectionate,or passionate with me.I think we've "made out" 6 times in almost 4 years! I get sex about once a week.

A little background about me was in a VERY dark place when we met,until about a year ago.So,that was his excuse; we were always fighting,so he masterbated because he didn't want me.

NOW,I'm 100% different! Very happy,etc.(I re-dedicated my life to God).

BUT,nothing got better between us. I think he's even more distant,if that's possible.

A little about him: He was a virgin until he was 31 or 32. He's never been sexual (i.e. oral,making out,sex,foreplay) with anyone,BUT he said he masterbated about 7 times a day before he met me!!

I feel like we're roommates who peck "hello" & "goodbye" and have sex for about 10 minutes on Sunday,if I'm lucky!

I have caught him masterbating in the past,but he SWEARS he never does now.

We are currently at 2 weeks with no sex! A new record!

I tell him I need affection,sex,whatever-he tells me he's too tired,stressed about money,and my favorite "people don't just lay around kissing and having sex all day"!!!And,a FEW times when we were fighting,he said "look how you act,who would want to have sex with you"!

He acts like something is wrong with me.I don't know if he's gay,or just doesn't want ME.

My self esteem & self worth is SOO low because of this! I used to be happy with who I was.Now,I feel trapped in a loveless marriage.

Please help??!!

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You said you were in a very dark place until a year ago but didn't really explain what that means. How were you in a dark place? Were you going through depression, anxiety etc. Were you unpleasant to be around? Why did you two get married? Were you in love or was it a marriage of convenience? It is hard to comment on why he won't have sex with you when we don't really know the full picture of everything else in the relationship.

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You said you were in a very dark place until a year ago but didn't really explain what that means. How were you in a dark place? Were you going through depression, anxiety etc. Were you unpleasant to be around? Why did you two get married? Were you in love or was it a marriage of convenience? It is hard to comment on why he won't have sex with you when we don't really know the full picture of everything else in the relationship.

 

I agree with this. If you were distant from him until last year because of this 'dark place' and now expect him to just 'come back' and be sunshine and roses I think your expectations are a bit unfair.

 

How did you treat him during this time? You mentioned you were always fighting, about what and who initiated it?

 

Have you considered a marriage counselor? It sounds like your marriage has been through the wringer for years, that's a hard thing to just come back from as though nothing happened.

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So,from 7 times a day to once a week?! I don't think so! He thinks I'm stupid!!

 

Or he just doesn't. Instead of brow-bashing him on these forums have a sit-down with him, don't use accusatory statements such as:

 

"Why don't you ever make love to me anymore?"

 

Instead, use these kind of statements:

 

"Sometimes I feel lonely and my self-esteem has really begun to dip and I'd like to talk with you on how to turn things around because I love you."

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My kids got taken from me,which is a LONG story.I did NOT deserve or want it.I was not on drugs,or abusing them! We were just poor.Please don't comment on this! Which is right when we met.

Anyway,I also found out I had cancer and endometriosis at that time.So,I was suicidal,I started drinking to deal with the physical and emotional pain.I tried VERY hard to push him away.I told him I didn't need to be in a relationship the way I was.We got married on our one year anniversary. I had cut WAY back on drinking,and he supposedly loved me.I felt like I would never find anyone better(he doesn't hit me,and he's a good provider),and I loved him.

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Ive had this with my ex, he would only have sex when he felt like it with no thought for me and how i felt, im not sure if he was masturbating too but i think he prbably was. I mean, i wouldnt want to try and force him into having sex if he didnt want to but sometimes, like you it would go on for weeks were he wouldnt want to, most f the time with him i was lucky if it was once a week. Is he emotionally abusive/controlling at all? My ex was and in the end i realsised that he was also using sex as a tool, he would deprive me on purpose, whe i thought about it all, there were times where i would intitate and he would push me away only to then intitiate with me a minutes later...i understand how you feel cos it left me feeling completely unattractive and severly dented my self confindence.

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My kids got taken from me,which is a LONG story.I did NOT deserve or want it.I was not on drugs,or abusing them! We were just poor.Please don't comment on this! Which is right when we met.

Anyway,I also found out I had cancer and endometriosis at that time.So,I was suicidal,I started drinking to deal with the physical and emotional pain.I tried VERY hard to push him away.I told him I didn't need to be in a relationship the way I was.We got married on our one year anniversary. I had cut WAY back on drinking,and he supposedly loved me.I felt like I would never find anyone better(he doesn't hit me,and he's a good provider),and I loved him.

 

Is is possible that he does not feel loved by you?

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That's exactly how I feel starlight!! He is mildly emotionally abusive and controlling,it's been getting worse lately.I've often wondered if he was withholding as punishment.

And as far as the "brow bashing" comment,I HAVE tried SEVERAL times to talk to him and seek counciling! He picks fights with me over almost everything! He always has!

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That's exactly how I feel starlight!! He is mildly emotionally abusive and controlling,it's been getting worse lately.I've often wondered if he was withholding as punishment.

And as far as the "brow bashing" comment,I HAVE tried SEVERAL times to talk to him and seek counciling! He picks fights with me over almost everything! He always has!

 

You might want to read through this link, im not saying this is what hes like but it helped me.....

 

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I forgot the gay part of your question Allie.

I've never "caught" him.But there are SEVERAL questionable things.

He jokes COSTANTLY about being gay,he chose to watch "broke back mountain",sat through the WHOLE movie,then said "what's the big deal? that wasn't that bad",him and his friends,when they were younger,went to gay bars because they were "curious what they were like",he used to love to talk to my SUPER gay friend at school ,and "jokingly" offered him a pole dance.I could keep going!!

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Honestly, If you have tried everything... talking and couseling, etc. I think the best choice would be to break up. He isn't paying attention to your needs and like you said you need affection and intimacy/sex. He just doesn't seem to care about your needs and in a relationship both people should care. He may have a low sex drive or be tired.. etc. But once a week if you're lucky... doesn't sound very fair when you want love and affection. Does he show affection for you in other ways? Cuddling? Kissing? Simply spending quality time together? I have a feeling that he doesn't.

 

Maybe talk to him again and let him know how you feel but you can't change the way he is and if you're unhappy staying with him isn't going to help the situation.

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I forgot the gay part of your question Allie.

I've never "caught" him.But there are SEVERAL questionable things.

He jokes COSTANTLY about being gay,he chose to watch "broke back mountain",sat through the WHOLE movie,then said "what's the big deal? that wasn't that bad",him and his friends,when they were younger,went to gay bars because they were "curious what they were like",he used to love to talk to my SUPER gay friend at school ,and "jokingly" offered him a pole dance.I could keep going!!

 

I see this as a red flag. I don't know ANY straight man who will go to gay bars just for the hell of it.

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My kids got taken from me,which is a LONG story.I did NOT deserve or want it.I was not on drugs,or abusing them! We were just poor.Please don't comment on this! Which is right when we met.

Anyway,I also found out I had cancer and endometriosis at that time.So,I was suicidal,I started drinking to deal with the physical and emotional pain.I tried VERY hard to push him away.I told him I didn't need to be in a relationship the way I was.We got married on our one year anniversary. I had cut WAY back on drinking,and he supposedly loved me.I felt like I would never find anyone better(he doesn't hit me,and he's a good provider),and I loved him.

 

It sounds like the dynamic of your relationship that was established by you from the very beginning is that you pushed him away and made him feel unloved. The wounds created by chronic rejection of someone you love run deep, and the scars do not heal easily. It sounds like if you want to turn this marriage around you are going to need some counseling, both with your husband and without him.

 

I've never heard of anyone losing their children simply because they were poor. Where are your children now?

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It sounds like the dynamic of your relationship that was established by you from the very beginning is that you pushed him away and made him feel unloved. The wounds created by chronic rejection of someone you love run deep, and the scars do not heal easily. It sounds like if you want to turn this marriage around you are going to need some counseling, both with your husband and without him.

 

I've never heard of anyone losing their children simply because they were poor. Where are your children now?

 

 

I agree with this. I think there is more to this than just him being the "bad guy". I think a dynamic was set up early on and I think you are partially to blame for this. The relationship did not just falter because of his lack of desire for sex with you..I think there is whole host of issues going on here and the sex is just a symptom of what the real problem is...not necessarily that he is gay, but that you weren't into the relationship from the get go, the relationship was based on you needing someone and him wanting to be some kind of saviour. There was no real tangible deep feelings on either side. A marriage of convenience...not surprising that sex has suffered because of it.

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Hi Lucas,

 

I am very sorry to hear your plight. I had a somewhat similar experience, tho not as extreme. I think you yourself need to go to counseling first to figure out how to deal with him and how to ask him to go with you. I am sure there are emotional issues between you two that are not being addressed, or possibly not even being realized yet. The counseling will help you uncover your darkest secrets and deal with them.

 

Keep in mind that you met and married this man in a very lonely and low self-esteem time. It's entirely possible that you married him to fulfill the need of having someone who cared, not exactly as a husband with ALL the duties that go along with it (more than a roommate and a paycheck).

 

I know from experience that simply talking to him will NOT be enough. He wont understand and likely has resentments of his own. It may help you to read my initial post about my break up... I hope it can help you remedy things to a better resolution.

 

 

 

Oh, and I doubt seriously that he's gay. I thot that of my XH as well, but he's simply not. He just wasn't as sexual a being as I was. We weren't compatible in that area and he had no interest in exploring or changing that. It doesn't mean your guy wont, tho.

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WOW! I just read your whole posting.Your relationship sounds SOO much like mine!

Except,we're not "the best of friends" who laugh,and have fun together.

He is a very unhappy person! Now that I'm "better" emotionally,I can see it.He's a negative,depressing person.He SAYS he doesn't want to be,but does nothing to change it.And,he IS emotionally abusive & controlling,more than I realized.

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