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I could really use some advice.


The One and Only

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First of all, I hope that I picked the appropriate forum to post this in. There are so many here. I appologize in advance if this is not the correct one.

 

I have been with my current girlfriend for almost a year and a half now and we live together. When we first met, I thought that my search for eternal love had finally come to an end. She was seemingly everything I had wanted in a girl. We seem to have a really good rapport. A lot of times she'll say something that is exactly what I was thinking and vice versa. She has seen me at my worst and it doesn't bother her. She loves me for who I am and I can just be myself. I know that I can trust her completely, which is such a seemingly rare thing these days.

 

Now, for the bad. She is extremely lazy. She does absolutely nothing with her life. All she does is spend all day everyday on the internet watching shows or playing games. She doesn't work or contribute to keeping the apartment up. She is very messy. She has a dog that she never takes out to relieve itself and just lets it poop and pee all over the floor. What's worse, is she won't even clean it up. She also has a cat and she won't scoop the litter box. Not to mention dirty dishes left lying around and dirty clothes all over the place. Now, I'm not a neat freak or anything, but these living conditions are unbearable to me. Also, she never wants to go anywhere. Sometimes, I like to go out and do things. But she says she unconfortable in public and hates being around people. She hates the way she looks no matter how many times I tell her how pretty she is. She is very pretty and she gets a lot of looks from guys when we go out. So many people have told me how pretty she is too. In fact, when I do compliment her, she gets iratated. I think she is suffering from depression or something, but she refuses to get help and when we talk about it, she just gets mad. She also has bad hygene (i.e. not taking a shower, shaving, or brushing her teeth for long periods of time.). We haven't had sex in 5 months now. She used to be really into it and now she never wants to anymore. Even when we did have sex, she wouldn't even take her top off. She is also very secretive about things. For example, I just found out about something major about her that she had kept from me because she was affraid I wouldn't love her anymore if I knew. It makes me wonder what else there me be that I don't know about.

 

Lately, I've seriously been thinking about breaking up with her. But she already has such a low self esteem and some abondonment issues from her past. But I haven't been real happy for a while now. I keep hoping that she will change, but this has been going on for far too long. I'm also affraid that if I do do this, that I will later regret it and that she won't take me back or will already be seeing someone else. I am a very quiet person and I am not as outgoing as I'd like to be. So it is very, very hard for me to meet people. I affraid that if I let her go I won't ever find anyone else and I will spend the rest of my life alone and in regret.

 

So what should I do? Break up completely? Move out, but stay together? Agree to just take a break without seeing other people? Or take a break and see other people?

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I think it sounds like she is depressed. Not caring about your physical appearance/hygiene/health is one of the biggest signs. I stopped brushing/flossing my teeth, exercising, and eating well when I was depressed and it showed.

 

I also lost my sex drive when I was depressed, so that's another sign.

 

I think you should try to see if you can get her help, but ultimately, a person can only change if they want to, and if she doesn't no matter what, you should leave her. Or at the very least let her know it is unacceptable to live with her under the circumstances and move out.

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well..........maybe confiding in her parents/close friends to see if they are aware of this or know the origin..........

 

Might need an intervention. But maybe the only thing that will get her attention is separate living situation. Its tough. Good luck. Don't be attached and worry about future prospects of dating. Aint the best reason to hold on......

 

 

You could try:

 

-Canceling T.V. and internet service

 

-Inviting Peers/friends/anybody over to the apartment for diner or to watch the sunday football game (if you don't go with option 1)

 

-run an ad for a female roommate and state in the ad: a couple who aren't at all clean freaks. Then give the roomie inside details and lower rent in exchange for the messy living conditions. might create drama but that hopefully will kickstart the idleness.

 

-hire a maid for like one hour as many days as you can afford to make her feel uncomfortable/lazy/guilty.

 

This would agitate her into some kind of stimulous and response. Dunno you safety might be at risk in dealing with her after that.......lol. Might have to do it without her approval though. You have enough reasons to defend yourself i think. Also maybe some added comedy.

 

Here is some quote dunno i think it might have to do with ritual back then:

 

He must not sit on a mat that is not straight.

 

Confucius - The Analects

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Well I'll tell you I'm much like her, and i was in a relationship for a little over a year. I had major problems, and it took me sometime to reveal them, and i wasn't the best girlfriend. She needs to see that just because she's been through this doesn't mean that you'll be the only one working for both your happiness, and you need to show her that, nicely. My partner left me yesterday. I needed a warning at least.

 

Be easy, but assertive. Make your point clear.

 

And if you do decide to end it, you will have very many opportunities to find someone new, theres always someone.

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Things are only going to change when she realizes there's something wrong and she wants to change, until then, this is going to remain.

 

If she's refusing to speak about it and not seeing a problem, I would consider an ultamatum.

 

When my boyfriend battled a bout of depression last winter, it defintely took its toll on us. He said nothing was wrong, but having suffered depression when I was younger, he displayed all the signs. He denied anything was wrong, so I said fine, that's it, I've had enough. I can't care about someone that doesn't care about themselves, and you can't expect me to carry you and support you, and be there for you when you don't even give a crap.

 

I gave him an ultimatum, which didn't really work. He said "Fine leave..." which for us BOTH was shocking, and it was a huge eye opener to both of us at how severe it was, that I was willing to leave, and that he actually said leave. I never ended up leaving, instead got other people involved. His friends, his family, we started being physically active outdoors, we ate better, I bought him self help books, and we worke TOGETHER to get over this period. But he had to realize that something was wrong. And until that happens, nothing is going to change.

 

She defintely fits the bill for depression, so I think its time to start taking this serious. She has a problem, and until she fixes it, I don't think she should be in a relationship. She's not being a healthy partner, and not contributing to the relationship or the life you created together.

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No one said it would be easy!

Thats the hard part, emotions are invovled.

 

 

Sometimes you gotta realize and look at the BIG picture.

 

Are you happy? Can you spend the rest of your life living this way with her? Probably not, so what are you going to do to change this?

 

She may not want to change or make an effort, but you have the power to change YOUR life and the way things are.

 

Sometimes a rude reality check is needed. If she's in denial, nothing is going to change that. She will remain this way until something happens to make her realize how she's living isn't normal.

 

It's time to sit down and lay it out with her, explain what's going on, what's not right, and how this can't continue. You're there for her and will support her if she works on herself to get her life back together, if not, you have to start taking of yourself and deciding what's best for you.

 

People just don't wake up one day and are better.

 

If you choose to stay, not do anything or say anything, this is the life you've accepted to live.

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So far everyone seems to be giving pretty solid advice...(well, mostly--That bit about getting a maid to make her feel guilty was a bit odd).

 

Counseling definitely seems like the way to go, and it's a shame that she seems so reluctant to deal with whatever is going on inside.

 

In any case, the one thing that hasn't already been mentioned that seems important to add is that you might want to somehow convey the message that not only is she being unfair to herself, but that she is being very unfair to those pets who are helpless and dependent on her.

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