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Is it time to give up?


escape3500
20 Walk Away Quotes: For when the T...
20 Walk Away Quotes: For when the Time Has Come to Finally Leave

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Okay, here's a summary of my situation. I started dating "Lee" 6 years ago, when we were 15. flash forward to now, we are both 20 and still see each other nearly everyday by choice. Although we've broken up time and time again, we consistantly find ourselves back together.

 

Recently, after joining the army, Lee broke up with me in August. Again, we kept seeing each other, once a week at first, and now, by November, we see each other every chance we get, but we are not "officially dating." We've also been consistantly intimate.

 

I have loved Lee since I was 16, and while that love has changed over time, it is still there, stronger than ever. Throughout our relationship, Lee has often struggled with whether or not he loves me (hence our break ups, he's never dated anyone else, and since him, neither have I). Whenever we've broken up, he comes running back to me crying, claiming that he loves me and that he can't live without me. Well, a month or so back into the relationship, he's unsure again. I try to be there for him because he suffers from depression and really struggles with his self-identity. He has often said that he can only act like himself around me.

 

I love him, and I hadn't told him that since August because I didn't want to pressure him into saying it back. Well, tonight I finally broke down and had to tell him how I feel, because my feelings are so intense and so real. Well, when I told Lee how I felt, he did not reciprocate, which I partially expected, but it hurt immensly. He said that he did not want to say anything that he did not mean (kudos to him).

 

SO now the question remains... how long do I stay in this romantic limbo? I love him, I always will, but is it time for me to find someone who loves me back? If Lee is unsure of his feelings now, will he ever be sure? I'm not talking a matter of months here... this is 6 years in the making. My heart cannot take anymore rejection or hurt.

 

Do I wait for him to say he loves me? How long do I wait? Or, do I take his response as a hint and hit the road? Lee seems like he is in no hurry to commit, to make us official, to settle down. I have considered a deadline, by which, if he does not love me, I will move on. The problem is that deadline is a little more than a month away, and that terrifies me.

 

If anyone can offer any suggestions, advice, or personal stories that relate, I would be greatful.

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Well, I'm really sorry that happenned to you. I do believe he's being as honest as he can. Has he ever said he wants to love you but something is holding him back? There's a huge difference between someone who's finding it difficult to allow their emotions to surface or take hold and someone who isn't really interested in getting to the bottom of it so it can be resolved.

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I think this decision is yours to make. However i will say a few things.

 

If after being with you for 6 years, he is still unsure of being with you, loving you, i do not think he will ever know...

 

6 years is a really really long time to know someone, be with someone, and not know if do or do not want to be with them.

 

The only thing i can suggest, is to tell him that if he is unsure of what he wants (to be with you, or not, to love you, or not) you think it is time for you to move on. I like your idea of a deadline, tell him you can give him a little to think about it, but it wont be another 6 years.

 

This way, u let him decide if he is ready to commit to you, even if it is not marriage, but its official dating, and no more breaks, or short split ups. If he is not, its time to find someone who loves you the way u love them, and someone who is not afraid to be in love and commitment.

 

Hope you figure it out. my information may be wrong but maybe it will help u think of what to do.

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Thank you to both of you.

 

To ready2heal:

 

He has said that he wants to love me before, it's funny you mention it. In the past when he's said that he loves me, and I've known that he didn't, I've told him, "no you don't!" and then he would start crying, REALLY crying... and he would say something like, "I really want to love you, I really want to be that person for you, but I don't think I know how to love."

 

That said, his father was absent from his life (essentially) and his mother clearly favors his older brother and younger sister, yes, he's a middle child. So I don't think he's ever been loved (to his knowledge, I know his mother loves him, she just doesn't show it). He's had no example of marital love, since his parents do not display it in anyway. I know he cares about me, but I wonder if he is just attached because we've essentially grown up together (25% of our lives were spent together so far).

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Depression is a complicated thing. It changes people. It makes them emotionally unable to respond to things. Like, they will feel the same way if someone knocks on their door to say they've won the lottery, or if someone kicks in the door and robs them. It's literally being unable to respond to stimuli because the chemicals in their heads are so * * * * ed up.

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You're both young, and have a whole lifetime of choices to make. One good choice for you, in my opinion, is to move on with your life and find someone who will reciprocate your feelings. You can't just sit back and be second best all your life - waiting for 'Lee' to 'come around'.

 

You never know what will happen in the years to come - but for now, you need to focus less on Lee and more on you and your own needs.

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Okay, moving on is a lot harder than it seems, and I don't want to do it. He truly makes me so happy.

 

On the other hand, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me for the rest of my life.

 

On the depression note... he is not seeing anyone about it, and his family is in denial. I've offered to go to appointments with him, but the one time we actually went, the office was mysteriously closed... He claims that he only feels depressed sometimes, and that going to get help wouldn't be worth it because by the time he made the appointment and got there he says he'd feel better. Do you think there is something going on here for real? If so, how can I help him?

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Maybe u could try and be friends with him, and start seeing other people. See how that makes u feel, see how that makes him feel. Maybe u will find someone who loves u the same way u love them. Maybe he will figure out that being friends with u is not enough, or maybe he will find out he doesnt love you, that u are his best friend.

 

I honestly do not know what is going on with him. I have been sad a lot in my life, when losing someone, but i never consider myself depressed. Whatever happened, happened, and it will do nothing if i stay sad and depressed.

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