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I'm in a really tough situation. advice would be nice.


reneex061

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if you have read my previous post, youll see my situation more clearly. but anyways, the guy i was dating before, im back with him. and i thought things were going fine until today. he got mad at me and was screaming his lungs out at me and i was telling him to calm down and talk to me normally and he said to me "no f**k you" and was yelling at me and telling me that i was stupid because i didn't understand why he was mad. i was trying to talk things over with him calmly and like a human but he wasn't having it. he kept telling me that im the problem, even though i know that its him and his anger. he gets mad at me over the stupid things and then lashes out on me. he broke up with me because he said he was wasting his time with me and that i wasn't worth anything. it was pretty sad and hurt my feelings a lot because i didn't expect him to lash out that way. i knew that he didn't change but i didn't know he would do it over something so stupid. well i don't know if he even meant anything he said because he wont talk to me, so i don't know if he really broke up with me or not.

 

i want to stay with him and try to work things out because they were working good until today BUT i cannot deal with abuse anymore. and idk how i can make him see that hes hurting me by doing this and he needs to stop. he wont talk to me as of now, so i was wondering do you think he will try talking to me once he cools down? and do you think hell even feel bad for things he said once he isnt mad anymore? that's what would happen before but im not sure. him and i are supposed to see each other this friday, and i was thinking i could sit down with him and talk normally about things and how we want things to be. i just really dont want to have to deal with his abuse anymore, because my heart isnt still completely healed from before. i dont want to give up on him so im not sure what to do

 

advice would be nice. how can i make him understand that he cant keep doing this or hell lose me forever?

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my advice?

 

he KNOWS he is hurting you and he's doing it on purpose. why? so he can break you down emotionally and that makes you easier to control. in order to keep the peace and not set him off and make sure he doesn't start randomly screaming or yelling, you'll give in to what he wants, what he says, what he demands.

 

typical abusive pattern. he isn't afraid of losing you because he's gaining more control. and if you did say you were going to break it off...he would just start being nice again and let things go well...and then when he felt you were back under his spell, he would let loose again.

 

this guy's trash.

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There are times when a person should stay and try work out problems. This isn`t one of them. A person who can`t control his anger, yells, screams, lashes out and tries to hurt those who care for them isn`t a person you want to be with. Yes, its okay to be angry, but its not okay to lash out.

 

The problem is, abusers lash out and hurt others in order to control them. The line about you making him mad is a classic line - he blames his anger on YOU and that gives him all the reason he needs to lash out and hurt you.

 

You on the other hand, want to save him. You`ll take the anger, and eventually come to believe you deserve the anger. People like this also usually escalate from words to destroying property and even hitting. But by then you`ll be in a cycle of accepting blame and somehow will even rationalize that away.

 

The only time you should try work out a problem is if the other person is willing to acknowledge their problems and is willing to work on it. However, abusers are known for claiming to know and understand the problem, be nice for awhile, get you back in their clutches, and resume their behaviour.

 

You think he is nice despite his anger issues? Sure a person can have anger issues, but the way he is displaying them (blaming you, lashing out at you, etc) indicates an abusive personality, not just an anger problem. Think on this - the nice part you see is not the real him. The real him is the angry part. Those of us who spent too long with our abusers come to discover this.

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yeah i understand what you mean. well see, not that long ago he apologized for how he used to treat me and i forgave him. i was really surprised he did this today. but yeah i think he realized his problem and said sorry then got back into the habit again and that kills me. i think i might try sitting down and really telling him how i feel about everything. if he cared about me, he would listen to what i have to say and stop doing this. even if he knows he cant stop, he should at least try and get some sort of help if he really wants this to work with us.

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You can't make him understand, you tried that before, and it didn't work.

 

As far as making him fear that he'll lose you, you tried that before, and it didn't work.

 

You need to see that this is his pattern, and nothing you say or do, will make him change, he has to do this on HIS own, and IMO, that is not likely to happen.

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So are you just looking for someone to give you the okay to stay?

 

My father abused my mother continually, as well as each of us till the day he died.

 

Everytime, "I'm sorry baby"

 

Whatever, abusers never stop,until they are stopped period.

 

When a man has to terrorize a woman he is lacking something inside, and you can not give it to him.

 

Stop believing you deserve this (most do) and leave him now, while you still have the courage to do it.

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He hurt you before.

You talked to him.

He promised to stop.

You stayed.

 

He is hurting you again.

Why talk again?

He`ll just hurt you again.

After all, you are staying.

 

You gave him his chance.

Now its time to walk away.

And stay away because he won`t change.

He already proved that.

 

 

Ìm sorry to say that it is not a habit. Its the way he really is.

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