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VERY frustrated with lack of intimacy in new marriage


chigal28

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I got married about six months ago to a fantastic guy...we have a great time together, share the same sense of humor, have the same goals, etc. The problem is, we are only intimate MAYBE 3-4 times a month, and it's really starting to get to me.

 

He is a Type 2 diabetic, diagnosed several years ago at age 28, and either the disease itself or the medications he has to take for it have severely affected his sex drive--ie., it's almost non-existent. I would be thrilled to be intimate 4-5 times a week given the opportunity, and I honestly think he'd be fine with never having it at all.

 

When we start getting intimate, either nothing will happen for him and we can't do anything, or he'll lose it in the middle. I used to get upset and frustrated--OK, I still do on the inside, but now I either try to play it off as no big deal/it'll be better next time, or I don't say anything--either way, he gets upset and it makes it all that much worse the next time we try. (I should mention that the few times that it HAS worked, it puts that spring into my step, and I'm thrilled to bits. It just makes me sad that it's so few and far between).

 

He also weighs about 2x as much as he should for his height--which doesn't turn me off in the least, I'm still extremely attracted to him--but it of course doesn't help the situation we're in. I feel helpless in this regard, too. If I encourage him to eat differently, exercise, etc., he feels that I'm nagging. If I say nothing, he does nothing. If I just try to be generally encouraging and tell him he's sexy no matter what, guess what? He thinks things are fine and does nothing. ARRRRRRGH.

 

We've talked about cooking healthier meals together, and going for walks, but I work 8 a.m. to whenever (anywhere from 5 p.m. to 10 p.m.), and he works noon to about 10-10:30 p.m.--which is when I go to bed. So the only times we really eat together or see each other is on weekends, which isn't enough to develop a regular habit.

 

I am starting to feel that by marrying him, I've signed on for a life without intimacy--which, frankly, SUCKS.

 

Has anyone else dealt with something like this? Is there anything else I can try??

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You have to let him know with your actions he's got to step up...otherwise if you stay in this marriage, you'll be ripe for an affair sooner or later. Fitness/eating healthy has to be owned individually and now that its effecting his physcial health it is disrespectful to your relationship to not take care of himself..if he thinks everything is fine then the relationship must end.

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I bet the diabetes is affecting his ability to have sex. Not to mention that the extra weight doesn't make him feel sexy, I'm sure.

 

Honestly, your biggest problem is that he is very overweight. He weighs twice as much as he should? That is waaay to much. He is going to die very young, I guarantee it. Bodies are not made to sustain twice of what they are made to. He has to know how much his health & life are in danger right now. He needs to see a nutritionist. Maybe you guys can work together to make healthier meals on a weekend & save them for lunch throughout the week. He doesn't need to be thin, he just needs to get healthier. And a workout routine is a must. If you can't do it with him, he needs to do it on his own. Start out with powerwalking & some weight resistance. The eliptical is a great low-impact cardiovascular exercise.

 

When he is healthier I think his libido will improve. But he is in his early thirties & at the point he is going, I would be very surprised if you were not a widow within 15 years. He probably won't live to see 50 at the rate he's going. That is why you never see overweight old men.

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I don't know how much you know about diabetes...but many men who have it, can't get or maintain an erection. He may need to look into getting some help with that.(Viagra)

 

And because of that, it's more then likely frustrating him too....and thats why he doesn't offer to have sex often. He's worried that his 'member' will fail him.I would imagine that by not being able to have a normal sex life, he's probably feeling pretty crappy about it.

 

Have you suggested that he see a doctor to get on something that will help him?

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I can almost assure you a lot of his issues with sex drive are related to his medications and diabetes. Given that he's overweight is one reason why as well. Encourage him to change his diet, exercise, and the medications will no longer be needed and should help him regain his sex drive and relieve any impotency he has from diabetes.

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I have teh same problem. I don't have any medical conditions other than I'm pretty out of shape (not overweight really, just really out of shape...) if you ever lose an erection for any reason at all, you're gunna worry about it from then on. and then the thinking and the worrying about losing it are the reasons WHY you lose it. and that sucks. especially when you've been with someone that made a huge deal out of it.

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first of all i hope u never said it will be better next time...it sounds like this guys is suffering from insecurity that he doesnt please u...u need to let him know...just go up to him...do u remember that one night...i still think about that...u were so amazing and i was on cloud 9 for the whole week...just drop it in a pass by conversation...hell be like holy * * * * maybe she does like having sex with me...damn im gonna sex her all up and down tonight and make that night look like amateur hour. Most guys who are in any way insecure...and there is a lot of insecurity out there trust me...if your penis isnt like 12 inches most men will think its too small and if u dont go totally nuts every outing in the bed we feel like failures...trust i was there with an old relationship and it took a lot of self analyzing and work to realize it was more in my head then anything and when i learned to let it go...OMG what a difference...my ex could attest to the change it made..granted i did this on my own but with a few of the comments i stated above it would have made things much easier on my part with a much faster turn over...at the time i was pretty overweight too i dont know about double but probably about 1.5...also ive lost most of that weight and it feels amazing...just know for all the griping he may or may not do if u can get him on his way to being healthy hell be so grateful to u in the long run

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This is his choice to stay overweight which probably caused most of his diabetic problems. I am sure his doctor has told him to loose the extra pounds but he has chosen no to. Just because you both work odd hours doesn't mean that you both can't eat healthy. Rid your house of unhealthy foods first. If you have to go out and buy it instead of reaching for it in the pantry then you won't eat it. (usually) Take your lunches to work and stock healthy foods to prepare when home. You can't make him change his habits unless he wants to. If he is okay the way he is it will be very hard to get him to be more healthy and in turn my able to perform.

 

lost

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Put it this way, its easy to pack a lunch with unhealthy salted chips. But they do sell unsalted chips that taste good, but those still are high in calories. He does need to get in shape, he is the only one preventing himself. If someone was overweight and wanted to lose weight THEY WOULD AT LEAST TRY.

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I think many of us are frustrated by being yoked to a partner who has a totally different libido level than we do. Guys especially feel betrayed by the "bait and switch" sex...where the woman swings from the chandeliers like a pornstar when the relationship is new, but then deteriorates to corpse sex soon after marriage.

 

Whether the problem is caused by diabetes, hormonal imbalance, arteriosclerosis, or whatever, you MUST take steps to explore the problem and indentify the possible solutions. The suffering partner CANNOT put their head in the sand (or anywhere else!) and hope that the problem will fix itself.

 

If the person with the problem won't acknowledge the problem and the damage that it is causing the relationship, then the other must force a confrontation to lay it all out on the table. This may very well have negative results, BUT would that necessarily be any worse?

 

If the partner is not willing to seek medical advice, counseling, etc. to resolve the problem, better to find out sooner than later. Too much time has elapsed already.

 

I wish you luck.

 

Joe

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You shouldn't marry someone when you have problems and you haven't resolved them.

 

WOW ! If everyone lived by that standard no one would ever get married.

Every couple has issues that don't resolve overnight.

And lots of issues come up during marriage.

 

To the OP- Remember For Better or for Worse- Welcome to for Worse.

I have never met a single married couple (including my own marriage) in which there was never a sex related issue at some point.

I have gone through dry spells with my husband- and I know how frustrating it can be.

 

If you don't see the issue resolving itself through the two of you- which you've tried- it's time to call in a professional.

Before you do, I think you need to learn all you can about his condition and see what can be done to improve it or speak to a doctor and check all your options.

Then you may want to seek out a mediator or counselor to discuss the problems. Then either in conjunction with that or separately, you may want to seek out a sex therapist.

 

Before any of this -

Still the number one thing- You need to stop beating around the bush and just sit down with him and lay out the facts.

But without accusing, just say how you feel. And see if anything changes, if not- Maybe you could make a trip to an adult store and try some things together. After that, it might be time to seek professional help.

 

You have lots of avenues to explore that could help you both.

In this day and age there are lots of resources to aid you with sexual issues.

Trust me when I say you definitely aren't alone here.

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if it's an insecurity thing, I don't think telling him he's amazing in bed will solve anything. that will just make him feel like he has higher expectations to meet and when he loses it again, he'll be even more bummed.

 

what you need to do, IF it is an insecurity thing, is just understand it. think about it, know it's not about you, and it's a problem you both have to work with. and once you're okay with it and willing to help, tell him that. tell him you arent judging him, and I mean really mean it. don't just lie to him. just be supportive.

 

do this during sex when it happens, just tell him it's alright and continue with the sex, don't just stop. just make him feel comfortable and keep going.

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Did you guys have sex before marriage? If you did, what was his sex drive like then? If it was the same, I am not sure why you thought it would change.

 

Now if you didnt have sex before marriage, I can see where this is a shock.

 

Either way, he needs to talk to his Dr. about things he can do, either with diet, exercise, different meds ect. to improve his libido.

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He needs to drop a lot of weight period. In the long run it will determine a lot more than the health of your sex life.

 

The way you are approaching it now is encouraging. And it might have a shot at working if he was a girl with emotional issues around food and other things. But in this case, he just needs to set and achieve the weightloss goal. Lifestyle changes will come, but they won't be the first thing that happens usually for guys. See if he is up for setting a minimum amount of weightloss by a certain date and sticking to it. See if he has any fitness goals that are complementary. Weightlifting is often a good start and if he is a big guy he may have some natural leverages and muscle that help give him good power.

 

Provide emotional support and encouragement when needed, but honestly the guy just needs to get his butt in gear and make a plan to lose the weight.

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Thank you all for your thoughtful advice; I truly appreciate it. I know this is a complex issue, and there were so many helpful suggestions. In answer to one question posted here, this was somewhat of an issue before we got married, but as his diabetes has progressed over the past 6-8 months, the problem has fluctuated, and has been at the point it's at now for about 3 months.

 

I am of course in this for the long haul, for better or worse, and you've all given me plenty to think about. I hope to be as supportive and patient as possible, but I also hope that I can help him see the value in getting healthier for his own sake, as well as the sake of our sex life!

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Cardinal, yep, I agree. The frustrating part is not knowing how to make him WANT to do it, and the only way any change would be permanent or productive is if he wants to do it and keep at it.

 

He actually does have quite a few emotional issues tied to eating, so any approach I take has to be encouraging. But not having emotional issues tied to eating myself, it's difficult for me to understand where he's coming from, and how he sees things. I am trying, though!!

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Oh, I do like the weight lifting suggestion. He used to really enjoy that in college, and he's alluded to wanting to get into it again. It's the lack of follow-through that's frustrating. I got him a punching bag last Christmas, and he'll play around with it once in a while, but of course it's not official weight or anything. We do have a bit of space in our apartment...maybe I'll surprise him with a small weight set this year, just to get him started. Thanks for the idea!!

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Tangi, all great advice, thank you. We have definitely sat down and had heart to hearts about this when we're not in the "heat of the moment," and they've been really good discussions. Unfortunately, they haven't yet resulted in action. We have talked about his going to see a specialist who is a combination nutritionist/therapist, and he has done the research to find one. It's pretty pricey, but I told him I'd take care of it if he'd just go, because it is THAT important to our relationship!

 

We are absolutely open to seeing a professional together, as well; at this point I almost feel he's just paralyzed with inaction, so maybe that would be the place to start, rather than continuing to fixate on the health issues. Something's got to move this forward. I have told him, point-blank, that I am scared to death of him dying in 10 years and leaving me with our (as-yet hypothetical) kids. I told him that it is NOT fair to do that, not while he still has the option to prevent it as best he can.

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I'm sorry, no matter how much he says he loves you, he doesn't truly love you until he's willing to take the step to better himself for you, and himself--You can't respect anyone else, until you have selfrespect.

 

Well, no, I disagree - the person has to believe that what he is being asked to do will "better himself" not just blindly do what his partner wants in order to prove he loves her. I hope he gets to that place of course for the OP's sake.

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I'm sorry, no matter how much he says he loves you, he doesn't truly love you until he's willing to take the step to better himself for you, and himself--You can't respect anyone else, until you have selfrespect.

 

this is a load of presumptuous crap. this kind of thinking will only make the situation WORSE.

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Well, no, I disagree - the person has to believe that what he is being asked to do will "better himself" not just blindly do what his partner wants in order to prove he loves her. I hope he gets to that place of course for the OP's sake.

 

Batya, that's exactly it. As much as I want him to take steps to better his health, it has to be because he WANTS to do it, not because I want him to do it. That wouldn't lead to a lasting, sustainable lifestyle change, and it's also not a healthy approach.

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