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To be friends with the ex or not (with hopes of reconciling)


biacd

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Well, I did lots of self-reflecting and hey, I have come to the point where I stop seeing her as the one who did a 180 on me, that it was me who was the one who was mainly at fault. Yes, it takes 2 to clap, but I have stopped blaming her for what she has done(or not done) for causing the downfall of the relationship.

 

Just in case you're curious about my situation, here's the link.

 

But I guess the main question here today is whether or not it's ideal to be friends with the ex.

 

I guess that is a definite 'why not?', but, for me, at this point of time, I am unable to be just platonic friends with her. I still have hopes of reconciliation, so you could say i have a 'motive' for being friends with her.

 

Here's the scenario:

 

A summary of my situation: I took her for granted, I became complacent, and as we are on LDR, we communicate via phone. As I became complacent, I started talking to her in a half-assed manner, always going "uh huh, ok, that's great, etc" to whatever she has been telling me.

 

 

I've spoken to a few people, with different advice given. I've also thought about it, and I realized that in order for her to see a change in me(and stop talking to her in that half ass tone), the only way would be for us to stay in contact.

 

I have several options:

 

A) Be her friend, with the hopes of getting back together, but never letting her know of them.

 

B) Be her friend, but just a purely platonic relationship(this would mean months to years down the road).

 

The ideal option for a reconciliation would be A. I understand that there is a possibility for me to get back to square one, and suffer through the hurt and pain all over again, disappointed.

 

What are your views, guys and girls?

 

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Here's my view after reading that and your other post:

 

It's over man.

 

It's called a breakup cause it's broken. You're only hope is to quit living in crazyville, focus on yourself, change as a person, and start a new relationship in the future (possibly with her, who knows).

 

Whatever you do, the two "options" you listed are a one way ticket to pain and suffering. Stop focusing on getting back with her, and start focusing all your efforts on yourself. Then someone else (mayber her) will notice the new and exciting you.

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I know it's easier to let go.

 

I know it's easier to just forget everything, and move on. Everything would be easier on me in the end too, no more pain and suffering, no more disappointments.

 

I know that given enough time, I can move on.

 

Is that what I want? Emotions aside, I agree that it's a broken relationship, however, if it does manage to make it through, it would be a stronger and better relationship, isn't it?

 

Is that a risk worthy of taking? To be honest, I am unable to judge for myself.

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I know it's easier to let go...

Really? I dunno dude, personally I found letting go fudging hard! I think it's probably one of the hardest things I ever had to do. It's certainly harder than living in crazyville and thinking you can actually get back with her. It's much easier to live in a fantasy than the harsh, real, world.

 

...I agree that it's a broken relationship, however, if it does manage to make it through, it would be a stronger and better relationship, isn't it?

Make it through? Relationship? There IS no relationship. It's over, fineto, thank's for coming, do not pass go, do not collect $200. It's finished. It's ended. Elvis has left the building. The relationship broke and then she broke up with you. The message cannot be any clearer than that.

 

There is no relationship to make stronger. The only possible solution would be a new relationship, formed under new terms with her.

 

Is that a risk worthy of taking?

In my opinion, you're betting on a dead horse. There's no risk because the probability equals 1.

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icemotoboy, I don't understand how you can know for certain that the relationship he would like to rekindle is a lost cause. Can you explain that to me?

 

Have you read his other post? That's what I am basing my replies on. I can't see how she could be more clear or certain. Yes, sometimes people get back together. But biacd is talking like there is a chance of repairing this relationship. His ex has said and indicated there is absolutely zero chance of that. She has broken up with him. That has ended the relationship.

 

Anything can happen in the future but that would be a new relationship. Also, my advice does always need to be taken with a grain of salt. However, I have seen this situation unfold time and again. And there is nothing I can see from any of his posts that indicate she has the slightest interest in reconcilling. She seems hell bent on her choice, at this time.

 

Edit: okay, I see you have read the other post because you replied there after. I can offer a blow by blow description of why I think it's doomed. But I mean, I read the story, and it just makes sense to me really. Pretty black and white. Anyone else?

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Ok, can someone fill me in..?

 

I reread your earlier thread on the original circumstances that lead up to your breakup.

 

As I did I was reminded of how you were so unconcerned with your treatment of her until she was gone. That's not a good sign for the success of a future relationship with her until you can really work through your own issues about why you thought that was okay treatment to begin with.

 

So the advice I gave you before should be the same as the advice I am giving you now. That is, work on yourself as if she's not coming back ever.

 

I am sorry for any confusion, I had forgotten the exact details of the earlier thread.

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Ok, can someone fill me in..?

 

There is always hope. But hope will be your undoing. Imagine you have just been marooned on an island, by an aircraft crash. If you didn't have hope of rescue, you would go off and try and make your life on the island as comfortable as possible and start devising a way to get yourself off it.

 

But if you became preccupied with hope for rescue, you could easily stand around waiting for that rescue to come, or dreaming about form that could take, reading into every little dot you see in the sky or on the horizon.

 

You are preoccupied with hope. The best thing you can do is put that hope out of your mind. Accept the facts, and the first fact is that you have NO relationship with this girl. The second fact is that you have some work to do on yourself. You need to start focusing on yourself, there's a big awesome world out there just waiting to be explored.

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I reread your earlier thread on the original circumstances that lead up to your breakup.

 

As I did I was reminded of how you were so unconcerned with your treatment of her until she was gone. That's not a good sign for the success of a future relationship with her until you can really work through your own issues about why you thought that was okay treatment to begin with.

 

So the advice I gave you before should be the same as the advice I am giving you now. That is, work on yourself as if she's not coming back ever.

 

I am sorry for any confusion, I had forgotten the exact details of the earlier thread.

 

 

I understand where you guys are coming from. I understand where you are coming from as well. I understand that I have to work on myself, on how I have treated her, so as to allow myself to have a better relationship later on in the future.

 

I understand that when I say to everyone around me that 'hey! I'll definitely change!', nobody knows if it's for real except for me. I also understand that changes do not happen overnight. But the first step of change is to realize what has gone wrong, and truth be told, I never expected myself to actually say 'hey, its my fault!'. I actually surprised myself when I came to realize that.

 

When we talk about change, which is harder? Personality? or Habits? On a personal note, I would say personality is harder to change.

 

I'm not trying to validate myself here, or make myself feel better. I'm not trying to live in denial here too, trying to deny that it is over and I need to move on. Me and my ex had a breakup before. 3 years ago. Something I'm ashamed to admit to, but I was overly-possessive at that time. I'm proud to say that I have changed, and I'm no longer that way. And this is exactly the reason why I believe in myself when I say that I can change this habit of mine. I'm not trying to prove something to anyone, because there is no point to that. But I believe that change is something that I can do.

 

And it all goes back to the first post of this thread. Which is for her to see this change in me.

 

Yes, changes are for myself. I agree.

 

I don't know if I'm living in dreamland. Maybe I am. Maybe I'm putting too much hope there. On us reconciling. Hopes aside, I would say, "Yes, I would like to reconcile." but i need to move on.

 

thereforee if I were to include hope in the equation, I would be setting myself back.

 

*On a side note, I seem to be having a debate with myself in this post. Lol.

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I reckon you're being pretty hard on yourself. It's about time you cut yourself some slack mate. Why not take an "emotional vacation". By this I mean saying "I'm not going to worry about how I feel, or worry about trying to solve this relationship for one/two/four... weeks". Give yourself time off, a bit of space, some perspective. Use that time to treat yourself and do some positive things in your life. This is not about proving you've changed, its about doing something positive for yourself - because you're worth it.

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