I slept with my best friend

[amswickard]

Ok, lets start this off slow. I'm male and my best friend is female but supposedly a lesbian.

 

A couple night ago my best friend and I were sleeping in the same bed, we do this all the time and nothing ever happens outside of her snuggling up with me. Sometimes we tease each other here and there about not being in each other sex life or she does some thing pretty much harmless just to see me a little uncomfortable (I'm male so if she rubs her butt on me there's going to be a reaction....just can help it).

 

This was one of those nights. Except this time we couldn't get to sleep so we've been laying in bed for hours on end, she would do something and we'd laugh a little, we'd try to go back to bed and she'd do it again. Now as I've said before she's a lesbian and so we've been completely comfortable doing or saying anything around each other with no embarrassment. So I decided just to let her have her way and maybe she'll stop when she no longer gets a rise out of me. She didn't stop, and at this point in time she turns over and says she wants to show me something, she pulls up my shirt and bites my back and such, i won't get into details....

 

Things continued to escalate this way for a while and at the time we didn't see anything wrong with what we were doing. Eventually we did something sexual, and I guess there is no "nice" way to say that I fingered her. As soon as we were done she went outside for a cigarette and I went to the bathroom.

 

As I washed my hands off I realized what I had just done, so I waited for her to get back inside and she had the same thoughts. We were worried about this affecting our friendship. We agreed to try and forget it ever happened and we went back to sleep together. The next morning I took her back to her dorms and everything had seemed fine, nothing was said.

 

However for two days it has been haunting me and I can't go on with the same friendship with her while we both are trying to ignore the giant elephant standing in the room. If anything will tear us apart its trying to ignore that it ever happened. I told her this in a message on myspace and she wrote back saying she felt the same way but she is really confused right now and needs some time to sort things out. OK. Thats good.

 

But I feel like * * * * now, her sisters says theres something wrong with her, she isn't coming out of her room in the dorms that much, doesn't socialize much, doesn't eat that much. No one else knows about what happened between her and I and it's killing both of us. I feel horrible knowing that she is supposedly a lesbian and now her best friend just did something with her to make her question herself all over again....what kind of friend am I for doing that to her?

 

This girl and I dated back in High school, then didn't talk to each other for a year. things seemed to go on and off with us for a long time. we'd be friends for a couple weeks then we'd get mad and not talk to each other for months at a time. Eventually i graduated and went to college a year ahead of her, then she came to the same college. Eventually we talked to each other again but it was strained I could tell, we got mad and once again didn't talk for a year. Inbetween this time she decided she was a lesbian. now it wasn't extremely surprising because all through high school she told me about having feeling for women too, we just figured she was Bisexual. She went through 3 girlfriends and seems to still care about one a lot.

 

Fast forward to 3 months ago, I lived with one of her two sisters in a shared apartment (i'm good friends with both of her sisters ever since I dated my friend back in high school) and my friend would always come over. Well up until a few months ago we completely avoided each other or if we talked we would break off conversation quickly and go about our business. This time we didn't. On a whim we sat outside when everyone else went to bed and talked for 8 hours straight through the night, since then we've been hanging out more and more and more. She considers me her best friend and she is my best friend.

 

However everyone else sees our meteoric rise to friendship as very sexual, I spend all the time i can with her and have only been talking to again for 3 months? We sleep in the same bed and nothing happens? What i'm worried about is that I might still be in love with this girl, I don't know if I am or not. I thought it was just deep friendship but nothing sexual would have happened between us if there wasn't something beforehand.

 

And I question her now, because just a night before all of this happened she had told me about serious thoughts that she had a long time ago and thoughts she has now. Like the fact that even now she gets angry and jealous when another girl takes interest in me (she told a girl just last week who expressed interest in me that she wasn't my type, which is true. furthermore she told this girl that even if we got together she would hunt her down if she hurt me) She told just a few days ago that she still views me as *hers* and she doesn't know why and that I was the only guy she ever loved. She said if things were different and she wasn't a lesbian we'd have run away with each other by now.

 

But now I question all of this, what if we both still have feelings for each other and have just suppressed them to the point where we don't even recognize it anymore. It's ok for me since i'm straight......but I just forced her to completely rethink her sexual orientation and I feel horrible for throwing that on the table.

 

For anyone who took the time to read that book I just wrote: Thank You.

[Lamprey]

Sounds like she's realizing that maybe she isn't a lesbian after all.

[Zeitgeist]

I know this is really cliched armchair psychology, but what do you know about her childhood and her relationship with her parents and/or siblings?

[Siriana]

You have feelings for her, for sure.

Oh, and you didn't do anything wrong - she wanted it and teased you to get it lol

It's a complex situation.

I would sit on it for a while until the dust settles and then I would have a talk with her.

At the same time I wouldn't expect much out of it. She sounds really confused.

I would have a talk with her just to put things out in the open - it would help me to go on with my life leaving her behind in case she stays really confused and can't only offer more then such a weird relationship in the future.

This sounds very exciting but at the same time it's toxic and hard to deal with.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Why should you feel guilty...she knew exactly what she was doing as she was doing everything to get you aroused. Sounds to me like she is bi and now she is trying to figure it out. Step away and give her the chance to sort it out in her head.

[jettison]

I got confused somewhere there in the middle of your story. You dated her back in highschool as well? Or was that another person? I'm not sure that I followed.

 

In any case, I still think that she's a lesbian. She's a lesbian who occasionally has sexual thoughts toward men. And considering how intimate you two were as friends already, it's not all that surprising that there could be a slipup.

 

I do think that, for her, it would end up mostly physical, and really not all that emotional from a sexual standpoint. In other words, she could love you as a friend, and she could see you as an attractive sexual being, but she could not get to the point where she sees you as an all consuming love interest the way she can with a woman.

 

I have a lesbian friend who has called herself bisexual in the past, but it's obvious to most people that she really prefers women and that's how she identifies. She went through a hard breakup once, and we started to spend a lot of time together. I could tell that she was looking at me sexually, that there was something there, and we ended up making out once or twice. In any case, I had to stop it and say no because it just seemed wrong on some level. It felt like I was getting used because in the end she would always be way more into women, especially from a romantic standpoint. So, even though I found her very attractive, very appealing, and I got along with her fantastically in some ways, I still think I did the right thing.

 

Now, a year later, she told me that she slept with her current best guy friend. And, not surprisingly, she said, "It was fine, but I could never see him as more then a friend that I was attracted to." In my mind, that would have been me. It turns out we even have very similar taste in women!

[amswickard]

Well, the only thing I really know about her relationship to her sisters is that her and her next oldest sister act very much a like. This sister is dating one of my other friends also.

 

She has told her mother that she is a lesbian and her mother rides her for it all the time. She is scared to death to tell her father.

 

and yes, i realize that I did make that a bit confusing....that was her that I dated back in high school, I was her first boyfriend. Before me she had never dated anyone else.

[alcide]

I think you two love each other and she is now realising she's not a lesbian so right now you just need to let her no you still care about her, and be there for her, let her no its ok to be with you, because i think you want to be with her to.

[greywolf]

I agree with jettison. Lesbians can still find men attractive. I kind of see it as how straight girls like making out with each other (when they're not doing it for attention from men).

[amswickard]

Ok another problem, she said that she didn't want to talk about it right now and to put it off for a bit. But does that mean that I shouldn't speak to her for a while?

 

Should I back off and give her space, or keep in regular contact with and keep things as normal as I can until the day when we finally talk about it?

[alcide]

No you should continue speaking to her. At least call her to see how she is doing.