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Need some help forming my position.


MemoriesDust

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My ex wants to speak to me tonight.

 

It's the culmination of limited contact in the last month or so.

 

Back story - she walked away from me in the region of 6 times, would always come back, and this time I said no. I attempted to go no contact but we ended up back in contact. It was a tumultuous relationship at the best of times, yet we always a heck of a lot of fun when we were together.

 

She kept me a secret form her family, can't accept her sexuality etc. etc.

 

Anyway, we have admitted we still love each other, but at least on my part there is no trust there. She wants to talk to me this eve, probably about getting back together.

 

She seems to think that if this is true love I should be able to forgive everything, and that all I am doing is carrying all her wrongdoings around with me, ready to whip out when I want ammunition, but the truth is I don't trust her, I may love her, but all she has proven to me is that she is unreliable and untrustworthy.

 

She also has a wonderful way of hammering me down with her words, and I was wondering if any of you have some suggestions of what to reply with when she inevitably pulls out the line "if you really loved me, if this was really true love, you would forgive me as I have forgiven you..."

 

But it isn't about forgiveness... Trust has to be earned.

 

Any wise words that I could reply with?

 

Many thanks,

 

M&D

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In other words she wants to guilt you into going back with her...rather than understanding why you don't trust her (because she dumped you 6 times), she wants to gloss over that and just focus on how if YOU love her YOU will forgive her for ripping your heart out six times. How about if you tell her that if SHE loved YOU she would have a better understanding of how devastated YOU were ALL SIX times she dumped you and that with that kind of history SHE should be the one PROVING her trustworthiness rather than trying to twist blame on to you. In other words, you need to throw the guilt back on to her where it belongs...don't put up with her treating you like a doormat and glossing over her bad behaviour.

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I agree that you shouldn't allow yourself to be treated as a doormat. You may love her still, but it's important that you let her know that love alone is not enough to maintain a healthy relationship. There must be trust, a willingness to be responsible for your actions to each other (accountability), a willingness to support each other in your growth as individuals and a couple. She's shown she's not interested in growing with you or with your support by not coming out to her family and friends, and by rejecting your relationship repeatedly. Love is not laying down and taking whatever. Sometimes love is hurting the person you care about so they can grow into a better, stronger person by not giving into their demands or expectations. Sometimes you have to love enough to walk away, to love enough not to allow them to become abusive, manipulative, or destructive to their own spirit through their actions against others.

 

Just as a loving parent is one who sets healthy boundaries for a spoilt child rather than letting the kid get away with throwing a tantrum and just giving the child what they want, you have to set and maintain boundaries for your relationship with your ex. Maybe take a no-contact break for a few months and see whether you can be friends? If she can show she's trustworthy as a friend, and genuine about her interest in being loving towards you then that might be the time to try again for a romantic committment. Until she can show herself worthy of your trust, and willing to be invested in your relationship, then no matter how you love her, you must step away to keep from doing yourself more damage. Don't give her the power to continually hurt you, when she isn't able to offer you (or herself) healing and strength.

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