HELP! lack of intimacy :(

[zeegrrL]

so here's the thing. my bf is a wonderful person-- good-heart, affectionate, sweet, humorous, considerate, respectful. my friends and family love him. he is perfect-- except when it comes to sex. i hate to say it but it's only been 6 months and i feel like our sex drive hit the bottom. it was really great in the beginning.. until he started to ejaculate much quicker. he did notice it and said that it happens to him after being with the same girl for a while. he always asked me if i came and if i didn't say yes, i'd say that "i'm not sure". lol which was true... i would cum but not all the way because he would cum before i even reach my peak. sad to say, but i've never had an orgasm with him. he's my third bf and the only time i had an orgasm was with my first bf. i've dated around but i don't sleep with anyone unless it's official. so, you can say that i don't have much experience when it comes to sex. He's a year younger than me, and I'm 25 and I do have a high sex drive but I'm not too sexually aggressive. I do try initiate things through kissing and touching but a lot of the time I don't have the courage and wait for it to come naturally

 

Anyway, let's go back to the issue of him cumming too quick. I guess it started when I started to go down on him more and got better at it.. which, according to him, makes him cum too fast during sex. At first I ignored it and he even asked me to be patient saying it will get better again. It never did. So it came to the point where I got so sexually frustrated. I hated being left hanging while he would fall asleep after getting his. But I didn't want to blame him completely because I never said it bothered me. So when he did actually bring up the concern, I told him. At one time, I even calmly expressed my frustration right after another time of bad "quick sex" gah! So he felt bad and went for another round.

 

Let me tell you though, he was never really the type to go at it all day or all night. I always get the impression that one time, one quick round is enough for him. I would ask to do it again or he'll say it.. he'll say he just needs a break.. but then most of the time he wouldn't or he'll forget? At that point, you just lose your mood. It's no fun if I have to try to force it out of him.

 

The fact the there's hardly any foreplay doesn't help either. We'd kiss but not for long, he'd want me to go down on him right away. But again, I don't want to blame him because in the beginning, he wanted to go down on me but I refused-- only because I was not so comfortable at first. But I would ask him to rub me down there for a while before sex. But then he stopped doing that after a while. I don't always have to remind him do I? He does try to improve but it always goes back to the straight-to-sex quicky. And I feel like now it's gotten worse. We don't do it everyday like we used to when we are together and when we do, it's always just once a day, one time! It's even more frustrating when I try to get touchy feely with him that he just seems to try to ignore me, completely cover his body with the pillow or falls asleep when he's not in the mood. And when he's in the mood, of course I'm ALWAYS all for it and I do genuinely get into it regardless if the sex has been bad. I've given up on trying to tell him things.. or maybe I'm not doing enough?? I don't knowwww!

 

I can't keep this in anymore! I know I have to talk to him and I know that we both have to work on the issue. I do want to ask him what I can do on my part for us to be more intimate. I have so much to say and I'd feel more comfortable writing him a letter and have him read it while I'm there instead of me telling him to his face since I'm afraid I'd be a little nervous or hesitant that I'd mess it up. SO, would a letter be okay? What exactly should I say and how exactly should I bring it up?

 

I could really use some advice so I appreciate your help. Thanks so much!

[waveseer]

I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like he's interested in pleasing you, only himself. If you love him you could tell him that the relationship depends on his caring about satisfying your needs but even if he agrees he might end up resenting you for it.

[zeegrrL]

yea, I understand, but how do I tell him? What do I say ??

 

It's hard 'coz we love each a lot and he is a truly good person. Despite the lack of intimacy, he is very open with his feeling and VERY affectionate in public/private. He loves to cuddle, hug, hold hands, and all that. He stopped clubbing, drinking, smoking and would rather spend time with me. He is good manners and is very considerate, always there for people when they need him. He may seem selfish in bed, but NEVER selfish as a person, never selfish with money or sharing. He's never disrespected me and ALWAYS, always caters to me--except in bed, oddly enough? haha =x

[blue69]

Have a talk with him outside the bedroom. Simply explain to him that you would like to explore making the love making sessions last longer. Tell him "I really enjoy being with you, I feel really close. And because of that I would like to see if we can increase our lovemaking sessions. I want to be with you longer..." (That type of thing)

 

Anways... when it comes to lasting .. men can control themselves but it takes work and a desire to do it. If your oral skills are getting him off to soon, then don't do that. Simple enough. Tell him what things you would like him to do for you. Use of hands, fingers, and now oral. You might need to take the lead with tempo on this. Let him know when you are ready for sex. Try different positions and ask him which ones make him last longer. (Honestly when my wife is on top, I can tend to last a bit longer, from behind... I tend to go quicker) So positions can influence the ability to sustain your lovemaking. Also work on prolonging his sensitivity with sex. If you do oral don't do it til he climaxes. Do it for a bit. When he feels the urge... STOP. Then re-direct him to you. Tell him its his turn. This will slow down his pace, slow down his heartbeat. When he starts breathing to quickly then that is a sign of impending orgasm. Slow him down. Redirect and refocus. Rinse, repeat. It will last longer if you start to work on things this way.

 

But the overall key is communicating this information to your bf. Make sure to word things carefully but be honest. If you can't talk about sex.. then you shouldn't have sex.

 

Good luck.