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Hey there... I'm new here and found this site due to looking for some kind of help or advice. My boyfriend of a little over a year just broke up with me 2 weeks ago... and I am totally strung out over it and do not like the way that I am behaving or feeling. We talked of our future and marriage. We also talked of me moving closer to him. You see we've been in long distance relationship. He lives about 3 1/2 hours away from me. That is why this relationship has been so utterly amazing. We were closer than any two people could be regardless of the distance. We never went a day without talking on the phone 2 to 3 times a day. We had our weekends together and even more.... anything that we could work with.

 

My boyfriend started a small business recently and went through a huge amount of stress and also our time was very limited because of the hours that he had to keep and the factor of our distance. I could see the change in him and it got progressively worse. I found out that I was pregant and when I told him he was upset and then said it was not a good time because he wasn't sure how he felt about the relationship. He wanted me to get an abortion and I wasn't sure that was what I wanted, but decided to go through with it because it was putting more stress on the situation. I gave him his time to think about how he was feeling a month before the abortion. I didn't call him and only spoke to him when he called me. He told me that he knew that he loved and cared for me very deeply, but wasn't sure what was going on with him. He said he didn't know if it was the relationship or the stress of work that was making him feel the way that he was.

 

A week after I had my doctors appointment I really started to push for answers from him. I started calling more and wanting answers on how he felt and he said he didn't know yet. Well I guess I pushed too much because one day he blew up at me and said that he couldn't go on like this. He said he couldn't take it anymore and he had to end it that day. I was calm and said that he couldn't do this to me over the phone. He said that it had to be that way because of our distance. I even asked him if another woman was involved and he swore it didn't. He then said that it didn't mean that we had to stay broken up. He said that it didn't mean that we couldn't get back together and that maybe things would work themselves out over the next month. I just asked him to promise me that he would think about it over the month and call me at the end of the month. He promised and said that is what he had planned. The thing is that I don't know if he was being truthful in saying that or if he was just trying to smooth things over. I would hope that he wouldn't do that to me. I hate to be waiting here for another heart break. I had to deal with the choice of my abortion and a breakup all in one week. I really can't function!! I cry all the time... I can't keep up with anything in my life and I feel like everything is going to hell! I am so preoccupied with thoughts of him and what he is doing.

 

What makes me so angry is that what he wanted from me more than anything was my total devotion and trust.... When I knew for sure that he was what I wanted in this life I gave myself over to him and then he pulled away. He was the one that really pushed about our future and wanted me to move closer to him. It seems like when he could see that was really what I wanted to, then he didn't want it as badly. I am so angry at him. I feel like he ripped all my dreams apart. He makes me feel like I am nothing and I never meant a thing to him. I am hoping that at the end of the month he will give me answers. I think that I deserve that. I know that he would never let me pull that off on him and walk away and that's why I can't see how he can expect me to just step back and accept how things are. It's certainly not that I couldn't find someone else, but it just so happens that I couldn't even think about dating someone else. I just don't know how to deal with things as they are. I am so tempted to contact him, but I know that will only make things worse. I tell myself that if he truly loves you he will come back. Well that's all fine but if he doesn't I really don't think that I can deal with that. In my mind I think that he cannot do this to me and I can't see how he can be so unfeeling towards me after everything he was so sure of in our future. I think in a way he may have gotten a little scared of the commitment thing, but I don't know. So many questions go through my mind everyday and I have no answers. I have nightmares about it and can't sleep! Anyway.... I need some kind of relief!

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Thank you Dave, for your wonderful sound advice.

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Let's get serious here. Rhiannon, I believe that time is on your hand now. I would stop worry over what is going to be by the end of the month, even I know and understand how worried you are actually. By worrying you are not making time go by faster and you are not making things easier for you. He might or might not break away from you, I don't know him, sorry.

 

I would suggest though, that as soon as he calls you, you be prepared to give him some new insight. Tell him that you work as a team: two people becoming one. Vary sweet and understanding words with your concerns and questions. What you need to find out, is what HE really needs. Commitment is scary, yes, but you can tell him that he does not need to marry you just now. That you understand him needing time to set up his business. Having an own business is VERY VERY hard. The owner of a NEW business has to do EVERYTHING himself or herself. That is hard work, which I would never choose for.

 

I suggest that you think over the following situation:

1) Are you ready to be with/marry someone that is SO busy as he is?

2) Are you ready for catching him very tired almost every evening?

3) Ask him to share his feelings with you, if he is ready for it

 

-- Guys tend to think over a lot of things when they are getting serious with their lives. The cannot think on multiple levels, though, like a lot of women seem to be able to. They need to focus on things... their work and think over how it is to have a family and give everything a place. That needs time and understanding.

 

As for my suggestion to you: you have to think over till what extend you find that time, space, understanding and all the insecurities that might come with that, acceptable. I live by a rule in life: The only obligation YOU have in life, is the obligation for YOU to be happy. If YOU are not happy, YOU cannot make someone else (i.e. your b/f) happy!

 

Last but not least: I would NOT go for abortion:

1) You might feel VERY bad over it afterwards or later on in your life

--> I have seen women that did!

2) If you wouldn't want to keep it, there's always the posibility of adoption.

 

I hope this helped you and gave you other points of view. I wish you luck, wishdom and happiness....

 

~ SwingFox ~

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