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She's not good for me, but why do I still miss her?

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Wondering if anyone else has been or is in this situation, and how do you deal with it?


I haven't spoken with my ex in about two weeks, and I'm liking it this way. I was the dumper, but she made it a bit more painful by blocking my email and phone number.


In my heart, I know she was not right for me and I know that she didn't treat me very well. Sometimes, I find myself thinking of the good times and some of the sweet things she did for me. However, when I size everything up, as much as I miss the good times, I realize she had major issues and was not ready for a relationship.


What KILLS me is when I get stuck thinking about the good times, when I remember nice things she said and did, and things I could have done better. I have a little bit of a panic, and I start to replay conversations and situations, and wonder if I could have somehow modified my behavior to change the outcome so I could still be with her.


It almost seems silly and irrational, because all throughout this short relationship, I had this gut feeling saying, no, no, no, she has issues, she's not over her ex, she's not a good person, etc. When I get into these moments though, I have very strange thinking and I get tempted to find someway to contact her.


It's usually worst on the weekends, because now that I am single, I have not much to do. I don't have many friends, and when I was with her, I spent alot of time with her. Now that I am single again, I'm at home alot of the time by myself. All of this idle time allows my mind to wander. I've tried pretty hard with the few friends I have. The one has a girlfriend and he spends most of his time with her, so I'm lucky to see him maybe once or twice a month. The other friend - it never seems to work out. I've tried the past few weeks to make plans, but he's always busy.


Wondering if anyone else is in a similar situation? How did you deal with it?


I've also started to do some online dating. This was a 3.5 month relationship, and like I said, in my heart, I am done with this girl. I feel like online dating is OK, but sometimes I wonder if it's really a good idea. I haven't met anyone yet, because alot of people are flakey. The people I actually like just disappear. I've found very few profiles online that I actually liked.

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I'm sort of in the position you are in.


The best thing you can do, is take your focus off her and improve yourself. I spend a lot of time alone, probably 90%. I find that reading and going to the gym helps take my mind off her. When I go out, I still look for her, even though I know I won't ever see her again. When the good memories start seeping in, I remember the bad. Or I just accept them as memories and nothing more.


I hurt a lot, but I want to get over this. I see this as an obstacle not a life long burden. I want to heal and worry about myself. Not this person who was once in my life. She caused a great deal of happiness, but the pain she has inflicted will stay with me. Whenever it gets really bad, I cry it out. I put on the saddest song I know. Keith Urban - Tonight I Wanna Cry.


Have my brief moment of self pity and try to go back to whatever I am doing. I call old friends or just go out and find something to do. Whether it be a walk around my block or just going to the mall and looking at things. Anything to just fill my head with new memories and dull the hurt.


I'm here if you need to talk.

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hey mate. i have been experiencing the same things you have just described. due to the holiday season approaching, i have been home quite a lot lately, since a lot of clients are on holidays and so i have not much to do. so obviously i am sitting at home with a lot of free time on my hands. and my mind wanders. a lot. i don't even have enough work to keep myself distracted which is normally the case during the day time. i have been having these really strong early morning blues where i think about her waking up in a lot stronger way than it has ever been. i can't seem to find a way to make it stop. i want it to stop. i still cannot figure out a way to control my mind while i am asleep!!!


and when mind wanders, it automatically starts replaying certain things. bloody thing is wavering so much, it's like a frog in a blender.


i know i was strung along, i know i was made to believe something which was fake. i have been supremely ruthless and have not looked back or answered any phone calls or messages. i believe she has gotten the message i am no longer going to be her "emotional tampon" or the "back burner" or any of those fancy words that the people use here. however, that does not mean i don't miss her or i don't want to be with her. i have this veil of everything is alright, and i am strong but inside i am in a really bad shape. i have also been spending a gargantuan amount of time on here trying to just read, but it's effect is sort of wearing off. i used to feel better reading a few threads/posts, but now i have to read a lot more to get the same effect, if any. sort of like drug addiction. seems like my mind is fighting back when i try to distract/restrain it.


i am right there with you. you are not alone. hope you feel better and keep your chin up.

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Thanks alot for your responses.


Strangely enough, I have not cried yet since the breakup. I think I have been close, but I have not been able to. I've even listened to our song and looked at some pictures of her online, but I've not been able to get to that point. I did myself a favor and blocked her social networking page, so I cannot see her page next time I am tempted. I have a feeling that she just jumped to another guy, just as she jumped to me so quickly after her last breakup, so I don't want to risk learning of any details and having it stir any feelings in me.


I just wasn't willing to put up with her drama. It was clear as day to me that she wasn't over her last breakup and was suffering from some major self-esteem issues also as a result of that breakup. I fault her for not taking the time to heal, and trying to push all of her grief on me and our relationship.


Thanks for support. I feel like I am going to be OK. I know this because when I think about meeting a nice girl in the future, I'm able to quickly forget about her and the grief she caused me. I also think I realized alot of things about myself in this relationship, although it failed, and it will help me to be stronger and more confident in future relationships and in turning away folks who are bad news for me.


When you have a breakup, it's really tough to say something that things happen for a reason, because you are so distraught. I'm looking at this situation and saying maybe this did happen for a reason. I walked away from someone who was not a good person, and had I met this girl years ago when I was inexperienced, I might have stayed with her longer and put up with more junk. I'm glad that I did in a few months time.

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  • 7 years later...

Yeah, I know these feels for sure. My relationship wasn't exactly long (7 months), but she was legit everything I sought out in a girl. Sans her insecurities, immaturity and other aspects of her bad side.


I'm not afraid of a bit of high maintenance, and I treated this girl flawless. But she literally wanted aspects of my life that I couldn't give her. And when she didn't get it...... She went from 24 y.o. - 12 y.o. real quick..... Just with a college vocabulary. Legit vindictive, emotionally manipulative/abusive, narcissistic, delusional, illogical, disrespectful, and outright nuts........ She was pretty obsessed with me, and I can't say I didn't have strong feelings for her. But when it came to issues, I never caused any. And anything I had a problem with, I nipped in the butt the instant it happened. It was always me calming her down, bringing her back down to earth, being the one to push for compromise and making the suggestions. But the instant a girl offered me cookies on a facebook post........... All hell broke loose. She started trying extra hard to get back into the honeymoon phase, and I did as I always do plus a little more sentimental and meaningful things. But then she started getting greedy..... And refusing to empathize on anything I would discuss.


At first she was the most caring and considerate person I ever met. But when her insecurity came to the forefront, she turned pretty wicked. And when I gave her ultimatum and said "You need to stop acting like this, or I'm done", she goes to make peace with my merch girl. But instead of owning up to her , decides to blame myself and a friend of mine for "Blowing it out of proportion" (she fought with me about this for a month....)


I miss her to bits, but she is on a hate campaign because she doesn't want to admit she is wrong. Talking to my friends and talking . Flirting with my friends. Walking past me, glaring at me, butting into conversations, and walking past me like I'm a ghost when she sees me in public. So in all reality, she is pretty shot..... But it's like, just own up to your mistakes and everything would be cool. But she'd rather get a rise out of making me feel like crap than make peace. Since I would have been cool with everything if she was honest and swallowed her pride the same way she asked me to over the tiniest things.... Which I did


Super one sided relationship, she still refuses to admit she did anything wrong. And is shouting to the world about how she is the victim while I just kinda sit back and watch with a fake smile thinking to myself "you could be so much better of a person if you kept your crap in line...."


Best part is she has cut off ALL ways for me to communicate with her unless I see her in person..... But is literally creeping me anywhere I pop up on facebook between mutual friends..... She's nuts. Went from being obsessed to spitefully obsessed. But obsessed none the less.


But oddly enough, I miss her when I was able to tame her. But at her age, and inability to stare herself in the face, any change will be momentary. Just sucks since I had her good everywhere else. She just wanted in on EVERYTHING in my life. No space to breathe.

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It's usually worst on the weekends, because now that I am single, I have not much to do. I don't have many friends, and when I was with her, I spent alot of time with her. Now that I am single again, I'm at home alot of the time by myself. All of this idle time allows my mind to wander. I've tried pretty hard with the few friends I have. The one has a girlfriend and he spends most of his time with her, so I'm lucky to see him maybe once or twice a month.


Absolutely not silly. Irrational yes, because rationality doesn't really involve the heart. But abnormal, no. Your gut feeling is rationality speaking to you.


I was in a 2.5 year relationship so it wasn't short, but like you, I also left. Like you, I replay arguments and conversations wondering if I could have done different. Deep down I KNOW it was on HER to do things differently, so why do I carry this with me?


The thing is people like you and me suck at accepting things. We think digging into the past can change things, make our exes better. Doesn't that seem nuts? Well, it's not nuts to realize someone isn't good for or to you, so good on you for that. That is a VERY rational line of thought. My therapist suggested learning to accept that we can't change others. Months on and I'm still struggling with that one. The "If only's" don't matter. They are who they are. And they'll be miserable people no matter who they're with.


My best friend just got a new girlfriend he's gaga over and he's all about her now - and I'm happy for him but I can totally relate to your situation. Other friends I had through my ex and in trying to get rid of her (because she still won't leave me alone 11 months after I left) I got rid of all mutual friends, so aside from that one buddy I'm pretty much alone now too.


Dating is off the map for me. Sure I'd like a girlfriend, but in my state I wouldn't want to have a girl whose guy is still reeling and healing, if you catch my drift. My advice is don't worry about DATING, but meet people to hang out with. At least talk to people. I think that helps a person realize there are other people in the world who will give you the time of day, and that's a good feeling. I took a road trip alone and it felt really good. I actually stopped at a bar/restaurant 600 miles away where nobody knew me, and three girls stayed past closing to talk to me. Granted they were all either nuts or married, but the interaction with other girls helped me a bit. Baby steps.


Good luck to you.

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