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E-mail from coffee date guy..How should I respond?


browneyedgirl36

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Hey All --

 

Just thought I'd check in with you and ask for a bit of advice. I see there's a similar thread posted (but it's the guy asking if the girl is interested), so I think this is a good place to post this.

 

A week ago tonight, I had a "first meet" coffee with a guy that I met through a friend. Actually, my friend met him, thought he was nice, and thought we might hit it off, so she gave us each others' e-mail addresses, and we got in contact.

 

We spent a few hours chatting and having coffee. It was a lively, animated discussion -- lots of storytelling, joking around, etc. He's nice, funny, seems like a decent guy, but...I walked away thinking, "He's cool, but I don't really see myself dating him." I thought that perhaps I was being too hasty, and that if he asked me out again, I might go, but I didn't walk away hoping he'd call me, and I haven't thought much about him since, until tonight, when I received an e-mail from him. In the e-mail, he said that he sensed I wasn't interested -- I'm not sure how he sensed that, as he didn't say -- and that he just wanted to know. He said he tends to be really blunt about stuff, and he just thought he'd come right out and ask.

 

First off, I didn't really feel physical attraction to him. I know that a lot of people say this happens over time (though it's never happened for me with a guy I haven't felt attraction to initially), but...I just don't see it happening. He's not ugly, or repulsive, or anything like that...I just didn't feel it.

 

Plus, his personality, though lively and fun, is a bit overwhelming. He's loud -- in a funny way, though, not in an aggressive or rude way -- and talks wayyyyy more than I do. He's read a ton of Dale Carnegie-type books, and he tends to sound like a motivational speaker at times. Not a bad thing, but a bit overwhelming.

 

And, he JUST got out of a 4-year relationship a little over a month ago. His girlfriend was out of town visiting a friend, ended up staying to take care of the friend, and met someone else, who she promptly married (yes, married). He says he's ok with it, but...they're still in contact, and he still sees her, as she lives near him. That seems a bit much to me.

 

So...here's the thing. Part of me thinks "give it one more date and see what happens," but then I wonder if I'm giving it "one more date" simply because I'm 38 and don't feel like I have a lot of prospects. I'm NOT unattractive or socially inept, but I am shy and don't put myself "out there" a lot. I feel that way a lot, and I don't want to date someone for that reason. Then, I find myself wondering if I would just be dating him because I think I have to in order to fully get over my ex. I've been struggling with getting over him, and I know I've felt pressure (mainly internal pressure from myself) to date someone else to help me "get over" him faster. On the other end of things, I wonder if I am considering NOT dating him because I'm not over my ex, or because I'm comparing him to my ex, or because I'm just shallow and/or too picky, holding out for "the one" when maybe "the one" isn't really out there.

 

ARRRRRRRGH!!!!!! I want to reply to this guy sooner than later, but I'm not sure what to say or how to say it. I've thought about it off and on this past week, and I had come to the conclusion that I probably am just not interested in him, but I keep having doubts about WHY I'm not interested and whether I should give it another shot. I'm pretty intuitive, though, and I feel like if I had wanted to give it a shot, really, I would have walked away at least hoping to hear from him again. I was just really indifferent -- I didn't really care all that much whether I heard from him again. That probably tells me what I need to know, right?

 

I hate this. He's a nice guy, and he's NOT bad looking. I just don't think I can see myself dating him. So, how should I respond? He seems like the type who would be very gracious and wouldn't get all upset if I declined to see him again. I imagine that, even if he IS interested in me, he'd let it roll off his back pretty easily. Still, I want to say it in a tactful, kind way.

 

I had thought about saying something about how it was nice meeting him and that I enjoyed our conversation, but that I didn't really see us clicking in a dating sense (I probably wouldn't say it that way, but I'd have to think of a way to say it). I also thought about extending an offer of friendship (because I really think he'd make a great friend), but I don't want to seem patronizing or condescending -- like "OH, I'm not attracted to you at all, but I'll be your FRIEND!"

 

Any thoughts? I have this sneaking suspicion that, once I respond to him, I'm going to feel like crap - like "what if I passed up a great guy for the wrong reasons?" But, then again, I don't want to date someone for the wrong ones either, and I can think of plenty of wrong ones that apply to me right now -- getting older and worrying that I'm "running out of time," to find someone, trying to get over ex, trying to prove something to myself that someone wants to date me, etc. , feeling pressured to date from others who want to see me find someone, etc.

 

Help! Any thoughts you can send my way would be most appreciated. Thanks in advance.

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If he said that he senses you don't find him attractive and then you accept another date he is going to feel seriously misled if you then tell him he was right the first time.

 

Good point, DN. He didn't say he sensed that I didn't find him attractive, but he DID say that he sensed that I wasn't "interested" in dating him. Perhaps that's the same thing.

 

This makes a lot of sense. My first inclination was to not accept another date from him if he asked, so I should probably just go with that.

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You should probably trust your instincts and tell him that you don't feel comfortable dating him, but a friendship is a possibility.

 

I know it's never easy to say things like that, but most people would rather hear the truth than to be lead on. And if you weren't attracted to him in that way, you probably never will be-- at least that's been my own experience.

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I didnt read the whole post you made, i read enough to say leave him alone.

 

u arent physically attracted, u left thinking he is cool i MIGHT go out with him again, u didnt walk away hoping he would call, etc.

 

I just went through this with a girl. i asked her out she gave me her number, we went out. i asked for a 2nd date she said yes, then canceled. so i ask again to go out she says yes we go. she asks me to go out again i say yes, she cancels. i ask her again one last time to go out and what do u know she * * * * ing cancels.

 

idk what her problem is, if its lack of interest, or what, but dont do this to the guy.

 

If u really want to give it another shot go out a 2nd time, but dont go out a 3rd time unless u want it. dont do it because ur single, lonely, and want someone...

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Does he have that over exuberant salesman quality?

 

Yep. Definitely. You've described it perfectly. He's nice, but...just a bit overly-enthusiastic. And, he was just too dang cheerful about his relationship ending only a month or so ago. It was a four-year relationship, and I understand him not wallowing in misery when he's talking to other women, but...it just seemed like he was TOO over it, like he was trying too hard to act like it didn't bother him. Maybe it was genuine, I don't know.

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1000% correct

 

I agree. I would never lead someone on. I wondered if I ought to go on one more date with him, just to be certain, but after that, if I still wasn't feeling it, I'd tell him.

 

I'm thinking, though, that I'll just skip it and tell him now, especially since he asked, so that I don't waste anymore of his time -- or mine. At this point, its a few hours of one day and a few e-mails, and nothing more.

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Yeah I'd find that a little weird myself. Look, you're just not feelin' it. No need to overanalyze or feel guilty. Its not like you were committed to him in any way.

 

True. I would expect him to not feel guilty if the situation were reversed. We barely know each other.

 

I guess I'm just questioning myself. I know for a fact I'm not over my ex, and I feel I SHOULD be, and this is nagging at me. I guess I'm just worried that I won't ever get over him, and that I'll feel this same indifference to every guy I meet. I know it's not likely, but the thought still worries me.

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Yep. Definitely. You've described it perfectly. He's nice, but...just a bit overly-enthusiastic. And, he was just too dang cheerful about his relationship ending only a month or so ago. It was a four-year relationship, and I understand him not wallowing in misery when he's talking to other women, but...it just seemed like he was TOO over it, like he was trying too hard to act like it didn't bother him. Maybe it was genuine, I don't know.

 

I can't cope with that personality type, they make me nervous like they're always trying to sell me something. I don't invite solicitors in my door because I don't like the pressure. I feel like I constantly have to be on my toes so I don't accidentally agree to buy something.

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I can't cope with that personality type, they make me nervous like they're always trying to sell me something. I don't invite solicitors in my door because I don't like the pressure. I feel like I constantly have to be on my toes so I don't accidentally agree to buy something.

 

Yeah, me too. He also told some stories about himself, some of which were really funny, but some of which made him seem a little pompous -- things like how he told someone off who offended him, stuff like that. I appreciate someone who can stand up for themselves, but the stories seemed a bit exaggerated -- again, like he was trying too hard.

 

You're right -- you have to be careful with those "salesman" personality types -- you might end up buying something you didn't realize you'd agreed to!

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You should probably trust your instincts and tell him that you don't feel comfortable dating him, but a friendship is a possibility.

 

I know it's never easy to say things like that, but most people would rather hear the truth than to be lead on. And if you weren't attracted to him in that way, you probably never will be-- at least that's been my own experience.

 

This has been my experience, too. I dated two different guys that I wasn't that attracted to, and that attraction never grew. I think they both sensed I was not all that "into" them; I went out with both of them about 5-6 times, never kissed one of them, kissed the other one (he initiated it), but didn't feel anything when we kissed. I can actually pinpoint the moment when I thought to myself, "I don't see myself ever being physically intimate with this guy." After those two experiences, I realized that, while I may not have my socks knocked off by a guy on the first date, walking away feeling indifferent as to whether or not he calls me again is a sign that I'm not interested. With my recent ex, as well as with one of my other boyfriends, I KNEW right away that I wanted to see them again -- less than halfway through the first date. Neither of them is a Greek god or anything (though they are both good looking), but there was just a connection there, and I sensed that they felt it too. Granted, I'm not still with either of them, but I don't regret getting involved with them, and I'm glad I got to be with both of them for the time I was with them.

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hi browneyedgirl -

 

I just posted on the Healing forum re: your post just before you met this guy for coffee. We have some interesting parallels in our stories, once again. I went on a coffee date just the other day, that was set up through a a friend.

 

I agree that sometimes first impressions can be misleading and it's a good idea to give someone a second chance. Yet sometimes on the first date you just KNOW that the person is not right for you and it's probably best to not go on a second date.

 

And maybe you are just not over your ex, and this guy being just a month out of a four year thing probably is not ready either.

 

So go with your gut. It's no biggie if you don't give him another chance. And no biggie if you do go out with him again and you feel the same way. That's the nature of dating and it is uncomfortable but it's the only way we can find the person who is going to be right for us.

 

And you certainly should not worry about time running out.....I am 47 and that is when you should start worrying! I'm trying not to worry, and accept that this is life, this is my age, there's not a heck of a lot of I can do about it except ACCEPT it and I have to just live the best life I can.... but believe me, you have plenty of time. So don't feel pressured, just relax and have faith that everything will work out for the best.

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Completely agree with Ellie. It's just one date - and your first date was just coffee, right? I don't think giving someone two chances is ever leading on unless you were repulsed by him or unless you're seeing him again just for a free meal or because you're bored.

 

And yes, your age does play a factor if your goal is a serious long term relationship and perhaps a biological child. It's the reality of it. Not a huge factor, but a factor in whether you toss back a guy after only three hours of meeting with him because of some notion that one more date would be leading him on or some notion that attraction has to be there the first date or never.

 

If you don't want children and marriage was not a goal then yes I might have a different view.

 

By the way I can totally relate to the turn off of the salesman thing - but sometimes if someone is nervous they are louder so perhaps he'll mellow out next time.

 

I would write back "I am interested in getting to know you better".

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In the e-mail, he said that he sensed I wasn't interested -- I'm not sure how he sensed that, as he didn't say -- and that he just wanted to know. He said he tends to be really blunt about stuff, and he just thought he'd come right out and ask.

 

I think he is saying by this that he doesn't want you to waste his time. So if you do decide to see him then you an be equally blunt and tell him the truth - that first impression is that he isn't your type but you are interested in another date to see how it goes.

 

I think when someone is as upfront as this guy has been you would mislead him by saying anything else. If you go out with him again and then turn him down he is going say "why didn't you just say so in the beginning?" And unless you admit the truth - you would be lying.

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Thanks, Batya. I do someday want to be married, but I have pretty much decided that children are probably not in my future, and I am OK with that, so there is no "biological clock" ticking for me at this point.

 

I have no problem seeing him again and seeing where it goes. I certainly don't want to rule someone out simply because the first time I met him I wasn't smitten; I know that that "smitten" feeling is generally infatuation, and it's not a good indicator of whether or not two people will or can have a lasting relationship.

 

A lot of food for thought, here. I will take everyone's thoughts into consideration, for sure.

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Thanks, rapunzel! I feel pressure, for sure, and it's all internal pressure. I am so scared of making bad choices, even though, for the most part, I think that most of my choices thus far in my life have been good ones.

 

He's actually a good guy, and I would like to get to know him better. I don't know if that would lead to anything more, though. Based on my first impression, I think it wouldn't, but I hate to just dismiss someone based on a few hours of conversation. There were no major red flags or anything -- a few minor annoyances (like how loud he was at times), but he seemed like a cool person with a good heart, and he's definitely funny and smart.

 

I know that everything will work out for the best. I just have to keep reminding myself that seeing him again or not is NOT a catastrophic decsion; it's very small in the grand scheme of things.

 

Thanks for your input!

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I think he is saying by this that he doesn't want you to waste his time. So if you do decide to see him then you an be equally blunt and tell him the truth - that first impression is that he isn't your type but you are interested in another date to see how it goes.

 

I think when someone is as upfront as this guy has been you would mislead him by saying anything else. If you go out with him again and then turn him down he is going say "why didn't you just say so in the beginning?" And unless you admit the truth - you would be lying.

 

Thanks, DN. This is what I think I am going to say. I really want to be honest with him. I'd like to give it one more date, because I agree with a lot of people that you can't always tell after one meeting what someone is like and whether or not they have dating potential. Sometimes, of course, you CAN -- they make racist jokes, or have really bad hygiene, or go on and on about how they hate their family, or something of that nature, and the red flags start flying, and that's it. In this case, though, none of that happened, and I think he's a cool guy. I just don't know if he's a "cool guy" as in someone I'd want to date or a "cool guy" as in "He'd make a really great friend."

 

I appreciate everyone's responses. You've really given me a lot to think about.

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UPDATE:

 

Ok, so I wrote back to the guy I met up with for coffee, and I pretty much told him what DN suggested.

 

I indicated that I felt comfortable chatting with him, that we had a lot of interesting stuff to talk about (both very true); I also told him that wasn't sure that I could see us dating, but that I was open to meeting up with him again to see how things went. (I didn't say it exactly like that, but something similar -- it's late and I'm tired, and I can't remember exactly what I said). I also indicated that, if he wasn't open to that, he could let me know, and I wouldn't take it personally.

 

Well, he wrote back and told me he appreciated my honesty, that he WOULD like to meet up again, and that we could plan something for after Thanksgiving. He'll be out of town, and so will I, for the next several days.

 

So...that's where we are. I really spent a lot of time last night thinking, and I'm glad I made the decision to at least see him one more time. I really think that if things don't head into dating territory, he'll be fine with that, and so will I -- there won't be any hard feelings because no one has been led to think there's something *there* yet.

 

Anyway, I'll keep you posted. Thanks again for all the advice!

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I think you handled that really well! Good for you. I'm glad you were able to be honest and he was able to hear what you had to say and accept it. And still want to go out with you. I hope things go well on the 2nd date, whether you end up feeling more attracted to him or not. I think sometimes we just need to push ourselves to do things that are out of our comfort zone.

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He sounds desperate, and you don't sound too interested in him anyway. But good luck, maybe a spark will happen on the 2nd date.

 

Hmmm...I didn't get the sense he was desperate at all, really. He did indicate that he worried that he comes accross as kind of overbearing when people first meet him...I didn't sense any desperation. I suspect that when he's nervous he might talk more -- and more loudly -- than when he's not nervous. I know I talk a lot faster when I'm nervous, and probably more, too.

 

As for me being interested...I think he's a cool guy, as I said in another post, but I don't know if that will translate into a dating situation. Yes, I wasn't blown away by him -- but, I also took into consideration the fact that first impressions aren't always accurate, he may have been nervous, I was nervous, AND we didn't really get a chance to *know* each other from just a couple of hours of conversation. Thus, I decided to give it one more date. If I'm not "feeling it" after that, then I won't see him again.

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