Boundaries

[Gracelove]

So I have a "friend", and she's a bit overwhelming.

 

We haven't been friends for almost a year, because she just totally went off a cliff. And I didn't have the time, desire, or energy to put up with her drama anymore.

 

So that was that.

 

Time passed, and our mutual friend said that she told her she really missed me.

 

Anywho, I wasn't interested at all, and told our mutual friend I thought she was crazy and wanted nothing to do with her.

 

I heard this message on television, and decided to forgive my rapist, and another person.

 

I figured I might as well forgive this friend while I was at it.

 

To show myself that I had no hard feelings, I invited her to a girls' night I was having at my house.

 

Anywho, after that things were fine. I was proud of myself, and figured that was that.

 

So she invited me out somewhere, I declined. When she invited me over the second time, I figured I'd go so I wouldn't seem rude.

 

So now, she's going back into full gear.

 

She's telling me that she's moving closer, and she'll be only a few minutes away from my house, and she can visit me all of the time. And we can do this together, and we can do that together.

 

And after we hung out, she wants to hang out again, really soon. She says that she knows we are good together, etc. etc.

 

It's a bit much to be quite honest.

 

She's really pushy.

 

I agreed to hang out again, and she tells me what day we are "definitely" hanging out on, as if I have no option.

 

And she keeps calling, saying we have to hang out soon. She just won't let it be.

 

And to be quite honest I don't want her and the energy she brings back in my life.

 

I don't mind hanging out, but it's like she muscles her way in, and won't back off.

 

I feel a bit hounded and harassed.

 

It's like she's, "We have to hang out, we have to hang out soon. What about tomorrow? Is tomorrow good? What about the next day? We have to hang out this week, definitely, we need to get together".

 

I mean it's scary to me. I've been in controlling relationships, and her behavior reminds me of it. I don't know how to say back off without hurting her feelings or being rude.

 

The truth is, I don't want to hang out with her all of the time, or much at all.

 

I've forgiven her, fine, I don't mind being acquaintances, but that's about it.

 

I feel like she's trying to force me to be her best friend.

 

Especially when she starts planning out what we are going to do in the future. We are going to do this and that, and the other.

 

It's really overwhelming.

 

Since we stopped talking, my life has been much more peaceful that it was when she was in it. And now she's back, with just as much intensity as before.

 

She's sweet, but I don't like that she's so pushy. It creeps me out.

[waveseer]

Boy can I ever relate to this. And I am not too proud to admit that I didn't handle it very well, not very well at all.

 

In the future if I am in this situation I would really like to be able to sit down with the person and have an open and honest chat with them about how I am feeling pressured and how much involvement I am comfortable with.

 

I know it takes courage to overcome any possible reaction from them and to do it with kindness takes love.

[luvs2kayak]

This is about boundary setting. Boundaries are good for the person setting them, and they're good for the person who needs them. It keeps things in control.

 

So you tell her you have a busy life and don't have a lot of free time, but when you do, and if she has time in common with you, then you could plan something. Tell her this is how all of your friendships work because, chances are, it is.........

[Gracelove]

Thank you all for your good advice. Talking to her seems like the best way to handle this. However, I know from past experience, that talking doesn't do much, because she doesn't comprehend.

 

I know she'll get angry, and frustrated, and give me attitude for simply trying to explain that I don't want to hang out with her. And she'll say, "what do you mean?"

 

Anywho, I'm wondering why I have to be this girl's "friend". My mother tries to make me feel guilty, for not wanting to hang out with her, but why should that matter?

 

I'm exhausted. And this girl is a liability. I don't trust her, and I don't want to be bothered.

 

However I'd like to get rid of her, without it being a huge inconvenience to me. I feel like she latches on and won't let go.

 

Everyone else I know is so relaxed, I don't want any high-strung craziness added to me life. And I don't want to be rude.

 

She has been insisting that we hang out again. She kept bugging me about going to the movies, until I agreed to go. She then added, "I think it's important we go out to the movies sooner rather than later".

 

"....sooner rather than later"?????

 

I don't want a confrontation, because I'm just not up to it.

 

I figure that after going out with her this time I'll stop talking to her for a while. I'll say I'm busy or something.

 

She is not at all laid back like my other friends. She wants, what she wants, without regard to the inconvenience it may cause others.

 

I've forgiven her, but that doesn't mean I want her back in my life, and it certainly doesn't mean that I trust her.

 

I realllly don't trust her, and I don't want to hang out with her.

 

I'm thinking of maybe taking another friend along with me.

 

It's hard for me to hang out with someone I don't trust. I mean, why would I do such a stupid thing?

 

I'm sitting up here wondering why I agreed to go to the movies with her at all. Why couldn't I have just said no?

 

Gosh, I soooo don't want to do this. I don't want her around. I like my space the way it is.

 

Us falling out was actually a really good thing for me because I no longer had to be bothered with her.

 

Now, she has apologized to me, and she thinks we are going to be best friends. And that we should go out together all of the time. And I am just NOT INTERESTED.

 

We can be aquaintances, but nothing else.

 

I don't trust her, and I want her out of my space.

[Anotherday]

Well, you could always say something like "this friendship isn't healthy for me" and then just leave it at this. If she pushes, you can still say "this friendship isn't healthy for me. It just doesn't work with who I am. No offense intended, we are just very different people and I don't mean to hurt your feelings. It's probably best we don't hang out together." You could always leave it at that?

[Gracelove]

Well, you could always say something like "this friendship isn't healthy for me" and then just leave it at this. If she pushes, you can still say "this friendship isn't healthy for me. It just doesn't work with who I am. No offense intended, we are just very different people and I don't mean to hurt your feelings. It's probably best we don't hang out together." You could always leave it at that?

 

You're right. I guess I'm afraid of her reaction. In the past her behavior has scared me.

She's not one who easily goes away.

 

After we fell out last year...when I told her I didn't want to be bothered with her anymore...she still called and e-mailed a lot.

 

It took a while for her to leave me alone, and I felt so relieved when it was finally over.

 

In the past, I was stalked for a long period of time. So when someone doesn't take no for an answer, and doesn't give me the space that I ask for...it freaks me out.

 

I feel tired, I feel a bit weak, I don't feel like fighting her with all of her energy.

 

She already told me that she thinks we are really good together. So me telling her, I don't think we are....I think it'll go over badly.

 

And the truth is, I'm a little afraid of her. Her behavior can be outside of the acceptable norm. at times.

 

Thank you so much for your advice though. I like the way you worded things. When I'm feeling a little more bold, I'll find a way to tell her.

[Gracelove]

I just got back from the movies with my "friend".

 

She does something that I'm kind of uncomfortable with.

 

We went to see a comedy, which was really funny.

 

Whenever something funny happened, she would laugh, reach over, pick up my hand out of my lap, and hold it...for a while..before letting it go.

 

It was pretty awkward, and she did it a lot.

 

And then she would lay her head on my shoulder for a little while, about 30 seconds or so.

 

And okay, I've had that happen to me before with other people. But it wasn't as frequent, or as long.

 

And I'm pretty positive she isn't a lesbian.

 

But, that is beyond weird for me, too much affection to receive from a girl.

 

I'd be enjoying the movie, and she'd pick up my hand and hold it. And then she kept looking at me, and it was really odd. I didn't like it.

 

And I really don't think she's a lesbian, so I don't get what this is about.

 

I have never had another girl do that to me before, ever. Not best friends, not anyone.

 

I don't remember her being touchy feely before.

 

I mean sometimes her hugs last a little too long, but that's about it.

 

She already told me that she wants to go out again next week, or the week after.

 

She can tell that I'm a little bit uncomfortable, but I don't know, that doesn't stop her.

 

It's like she expects us to be best friends. I don't know. I just don't like her holding my hand so much.

 

It seemed like she put effort into it you know? Not like it was just some weird quirk.

 

She would grab my hand, and look and me, and laugh longer than natural, threw in some fake laughs, held my hand long after laughter subsided...then let it go.

 

I don't know, that was creepy!!!!

 

I don't like it.

 

And you want to know what is soooooo bizarre? Our mutual friend has basically stopped talking to me.

 

From the time they came to girls' night together, our mutual friend has distanced herself from me.

 

Which is really weird. We would go out to the movies and hang out. We are both home bodies, and everything. It was fun.

 

Then in comes K. and our friend is out.

 

I've been wondering about that.

 

Anywho, I'm exhausted. And it was awkward and uncomfortable.

 

Weird.

[Gracelove]

I think I'm just not going to answer her phone calls for the most part. I'll just play "busy".

 

I'm not interested in being around her, I don't trust her. That's it. I don't want her around me.

 

So ya, I think that's a good decision.

 

I've tried to have meaningful conversations with her in the past. Where I truly expressed my feelings, my likes and dislikes. It blew up into a big mess.

 

So I'm really not trying to do that again.

 

But the more I think about the way she kept touching me, throughout the whole movie, the more I cringe. That was just really NOT okay. Who does that?

[Gracelove]

Everything is absolutely great! I'm following my intuition, and getting this girl out of my life forever. I'm really happy about it.

 

I won't have to worry about any guilt trips from my mom either.

 

I'm really happy.

 

My friend told me that her friends were asking her if K. was mentally off. Can you believe it?!

 

They met her at the girls' night.

 

I was like, "Oh my gosh, you should have told me, LOL!"

 

I mean sometimes you really think a person is crazy, but you know it could just be your point of view.

But when other people think the person is crazy also, it's like confirmation (sp?).

 

Anywho, it's important to learn from your mistakes. And I'm not going to make the mistake of allowing her to hang around because I don't want to hurt her feelings.

 

I don't care if it seems really mean, or if she gets mad.

 

She's is scary, and wacko, and I'm totalllllly not interested.

 

And after that stuff she pulled at the movie theater yesterday, she might be gay.

 

I didn't want to believe it, but after discussing it with some friends, I really believe it now.

 

Scary.