I do it because it works

[hitdog]

I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop cutting myself. I did it for many years when I was younger and then go hospitalized for it, so I stopped. A few years later I tried to kill myself for the first time but I didn't do it right so I wound up hospitalized again. I managed to not not cut myself after that but I switched tot other things like hitting myself or getting into fights. It wasn't as satisfying as cutting but is did the trick. A few months ago I began cutting again because I was feeling suicidal. It felt so relieving, like coming home. Eventually, I was found out. I said I would try not to do it and I did but before I knew it I was overwhelmed by the suicidal thoughts and tried to kill myself. Un/fortunately, I was found before I slipped away and found myself in the hospital... again. Since I've been out I've started cutting again. I don't think I'll ever be able to totally give it up. It works. It seems to be the only thing that does. I still get those same feelings but cutting takes them away. Even if it's just for a short time, that's enough. As usual, I don't really have a point I'm trying to make. I just needed to vent some and I know if I tell me therapist about this in this much detail, especially that I still have strong suicidal urges, I'd wind up back in the hospital. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

[waveseer]

Do you expect how you feel about cutting and what it does for you to ever change?

[hitdog]

No. I think it will likely be a part of my life as long and I can keep myself alive.

[waveseer]

I can understand why you hang onto it. I was once suicidal and I became pregnant because I knew for at least nine months I wouldn't try again. I couldn't stay pregnant forever and afterwards I needed a new good reason to live. I think you are here to find one for yourself. What do you think?

[hitdog]

I guess so. I mean, I started coming hear before I tried last time and while I found some of what people said touching I still went ahead with my plan. I don't know what I expect to get out of this. As far as i\I'm concerned I've already got a new target date to leave and this time I be certain to succeed. So, maybe I am looking for a reason. I've been saying if something in my life, anything, looks like it's turning around before my next date I'll give life more of a try. But for now, I cut. I have a system and I stick to it regularly. I'm actually looking forward to doing it again tonight. Does any of this make sense or do I sound completely mad?

[waveseer]

I'm following your line of thought because I remember my plans and they seemed perfectly logical to me at the time. It's only because I've radically changed the way I think that I can look back and see where my thinking while not strickly illogical was not serving my purpose of staying alive very well at all. I had a few premises out of alignment and I clung dearly to them for lack of anything better to believe.

 

I am interested in how you measure whether something in your life has improved. I know that I had many needs that were going unmet at that time in my life and I wonder if this is how you look at it too.

[justignoreme]

I guess so. I mean, I started coming hear before I tried last time and while I found some of what people said touching I still went ahead with my plan. I don't know what I expect to get out of this. As far as i\I'm concerned I've already got a new target date to leave and this time I be certain to succeed. So, maybe I am looking for a reason. I've been saying if something in my life, anything, looks like it's turning around before my next date I'll give life more of a try. But for now, I cut. I have a system and I stick to it regularly. I'm actually looking forward to doing it again tonight. Does any of this make sense or do I sound completely mad?

 

you don't sound completely mad to me

 

you need to understand that you might not always feel this way. if you just live, do what you have to do to get through, you will be happy someday. you'll look back at this and be glad you lived. and that's infinitely better than throwing away even the possibility of things getting better. but you have to work at it. you've got to resolve your problems instead of letting them get to you. there is always something better than death.

 

what happened with your relationship? I read in your other thread about your grandmother, but what else is there? tell us WHY you feel this way. people can tell you over and over again "dont do it", but you need to look at WHY you feel what you feel. you need find a way to resolve the problems.

[hitdog]

I'm following your line of thought because I remember my plans and they seemed perfectly logical to me at the time. It's only because I've radically changed the way I think that I can look back and see where my thinking while not strickly illogical was not serving my purpose of staying alive very well at all. I had a few premises out of alignment and I clung dearly to them for lack of anything better to believe.

 

I am interested in how you measure whether something in your life has improved. I know that I had many needs that were going unmet at that time in my life and I wonder if this is how you look at it too.

 

I guess i just want something to hope for. That's my unmet need. I don't really have anything in particular in my future that seems like it's worth sticking around to see. I have a lot of bad luck and I just want things to change or end.

[hitdog]

you don't sound completely mad to me

 

you need to understand that you might not always feel this way. if you just live, do what you have to do to get through, you will be happy someday. you'll look back at this and be glad you lived. and that's infinitely better than throwing away even the possibility of things getting better. but you have to work at it. you've got to resolve your problems instead of letting them get to you. there is always something better than death.

 

what happened with your relationship? I read in your other thread about your grandmother, but what else is there? tell us WHY you feel this way. people can tell you over and over again "dont do it", but you need to look at WHY you feel what you feel. you need find a way to resolve the problems.

 

I broke up with my girlfriend because... well there were a lot of reasons but in the end once I got out of the hospital I told her that given the way things were going, before I tried to kill myself, it looked like we may have been coming to an end, and that I didn't want this to be the glue that holds us together, so if she wanted to go it would be a good idea to do it then, while I was a bottom. She wanted to try to make it work, so we tried for another two weeks and I felt like she wasn't really there with me anymore so I let her go so she wouldn't feel trapped in that relationship anymore.

 

My grandmother is suffering from sever dementia as a result of her strokes. She was the strongest women in my family and it's heartbreaking to see her the way she is now. Since, then my grandfather has had a stroke too and is now in the hospital and will probably go anytime now.

 

The "why" behind why I feel this way is that this stuff is the typical state of my life. It's one crisis after another and I'm exhausted. I've lost 20 lbs in the past month and I was already a pretty thin guy. I can see my ribs! My eyes are dim and sunken. The only thing that gives me relief is cutting myself. It's the one thing gives me a moment away from stressful thoughts.

[waveseer]

I guess i just want something to hope for. That's my unmet need. I don't really have anything in particular in my future that seems like it's worth sticking around to see. I have a lot of bad luck and I just want things to change or end.

 

I am not going to promise you that things will get better all on their own. You are not completely at the whim of the universe or whatever organized or disorganized entity you believe in. You have choices, every moment of every day and you can make them in a certain way to produce inner peace and happiness. I understand that you are suffering physically, what do you need to do to feel better?

[justignoreme]

relationships end and grandparents die; these things happen to everyone. these things you need to cope with in whatever way you feel you need to, but you'll come out of it.

 

I lost my dad when I was 13 to cancer, and then the three remaining maternal and paternal great-grandparents soon after. maternal grandparents adopted me from my biological mother when I was about 2 months old, reason being was because I CRIED to much and my biological mother couldn't handle it. she was 17 when she had me. they never kept this a secret from me, and I've always felt spiteful of my biological mother. I've never called her "mom", I just call her by her first name. I didn't even meet my biological father until I was 8, and I haven't seen him in years now and don't care to.

 

my mom (which is my biological maternal grandmother) is getting pretty old, and she's the only family I have left that I care at all about. she developed type 2 diabetes from the medication she was on to treat this heart palpitation thing a year ago.

 

I was molested when I was in about first or second grade by two older cousins, both separately, at least 7 times that I remember. I seriously have no idea what "family" means and I have no feelings about it at all.

 

 

things get bad, but things will get better. people die, you miss them, but it hurts less over time. and when it comes to relationships, there are always people out there that will be interested in you.

 

 

killing yourself is a ridiculously extreme measure to take.

[penelope13]

what are those feelings that you are trying to escape and/or control?

[hitdog]

Those are the most recent things that happened. I could write out a list of misfortunes and mishaps from my life but at the end of the day, some people are just better at handling things than other. I guess I'm just one of those who can't. In the meantime, I cut myself to deal with it. Is it the best thing in the world to do, probably not, but it's working well enough for now. The pain I feel when I cut myself is a pain that I can handle and a distraction from the emotional pain that I can't. I'm not going to pretend like I don't know this is a destructive thing to do but it's that or I can wait until I build up enough courage to take another crack at a more permanent solution. I know I'm crazy. I know what I do is crazy. A lot of times I feel bad about it but I'm the one who has to wake up with me everyday. I'm the one who has to start everyday on a low note. I'm the one who has to wake up through out the night because he has nightmares. So, for now I cut myself to take mind mind off of those things. Maybe some day I'll get better or see some light in my tunnel to move towards but right now I'm stumbling in the dark making my way however I can. So, long as no one sees the marks, no one cares.

[hitdog]

what are those feelings that you are trying to escape and/or control?

 

Sadness, loneliness, anger. That's really about it. I haven't found any other ways to deal with them that works or anything else to distract me from them.

[justignoreme]

straight up, dude, you gotta face your problems. you gotta deal with them. do this for the sake of those who would be left with ONE MORE TRAGEDY because you CHOSE to leave them with another - that of your suicide.

 

and this isn't about those people, this is about you. You dont have to die, there is a way through it. you've just got to change your outlook on it all. You need to release all this stuff, not just distract yourself from it, because that's just leaving it there. go to someone, tell them everything you're feeling and just cry and let it all out. you'll feel much better.

[hitdog]

straight up, dude, you gotta face your problems. you gotta deal with them. do this for the sake of those who would be left with ONE MORE TRAGEDY because you CHOSE to leave them with another - that of your suicide.

 

and this isn't about those people, this is about you. You dont have to die, there is a way through it. you've just got to change your outlook on it all. You need to release all this stuff, not just distract yourself from it, because that's just leaving it there. go to someone, tell them everything you're feeling and just cry and let it all out. you'll feel much better.

 

It should be noted that a friend of mine just suddenly died. He was only 38. This is the way my life constantly is. The only hope I have is for the distraction cutting myself is about to bring. What kind of life is this, that all I have to look forward to is a painful distraction?

[waveseer]

It should be noted that a friend of mine just suddenly died. He was only 38. This is the way my life constantly is. The only hope I have is for the distraction cutting myself is about to bring. What kind of life is this, that all I have to look forward to is a painful distraction?

 

I'm sorry you lost your friend. Life is full of losses and while it doesn't get much easier to deal with each new one there is a comfort in understanding the grieving process and knowing that time brings peace about our losses. I am a much stronger person today having lived through several very close losses, some recently.

[penelope13]

Sadness, loneliness, anger. That's really about it. I haven't found any other ways to deal with them that works or anything else to distract me from them.

 

Do you feel less sad, less lonely, less anger once the pain subsides?

 

What are you angry about?

[hitdog]

Do you feel less sad, less lonely, less anger once the pain subsides?

 

What are you angry about?

 

No, I don't but for a time I can not think/feel those things and that's better than being stuck with them nonstop.

 

I'm angry about a lot of things. I'm angry about being alone and depressed and never being able to do anything about them. Having people write off my feelings saying, "Well, you don't really seem like the type of person who suffers from depression," or, "well, that's not that bad."

[penelope13]

Having people write off my feelings saying, "Well, you don't really seem like the type of person who suffers from depression," or, "well, that's not that bad."

 

Well, people reacting like this are really ignorant and you should ignore them.

 

Why do you believe that you cannot do anything about being alone or depressed?

 

BTW - You ARE doing something: you are posting here, which is a clear sign that you are starting to take care of yourself and that you are asking for help!

[justignoreme]

a lot of people don't take depression seriously. that's their own ignorance and when they doubt you, you've got to lay it on them. tell 'em straight up how ignorant they are and just how serious your situation is. if they're too stubborn to see that, then they aren't worth your time. find someone that doesn't have their head stuck firmly between their cheeks.

 

 

/two cents.