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Hey guys and girls,

 

The situation is pretty complicated, and I can talk for hours about how everything has come together but I'll try and keep it as short and as simple as possible.

 

My girlfriend and I have been going out for 6 months. I am now at uni and it has been long distance for 6 weeks. But in these 6 months the only arguments we ever had were about me taking drugs. I said I was in control (which I realise now I wasn't), and she didn't like it. It always ended with me having a revelation of sorts that justified my behaviour, but I always returned to the cycle.

 

2 Nights ago I felt the most connected I have ever felt to her. I am really into personal and spiritual growth, and we managed to take that love really deep. Except after talking with her I went out and got stoned. I then said to her on the phone when she called my up for a goodnight chat that my friend's girlfriend was too good for him on the grounds that she was "hot and got stoned". Obviously this triggered everything again, and I hurt her yet again. My phone was running out of battery so I cycled home but dropped my phone as I was beginning to bull * * * * her again (as well as bull * * * * myself). When I got home the phone refused to work so I was not able to get into contact with her at all.

 

It was then that I woke up. I have been to a couple of NLP courses and done a lot of growth spiritually and mentally over the past year and a bit. I have always considered myself to be very spiritual in that sense. The other side of my personality was very greedy and put two fingers up to the world. In fact, both sides were greedy. One side filled with lust for people and experiences, the other filled with lust after enlightenment and the feeling of being present.

 

I was sat on my chair and I realised that the part I had always made the enemy (the stoner, evil side) was exactly the same as the spiritual side of me. They were both constructs of the same ego that was creating a continual cycle of regression and revolution, in which I was incredibly selfish and just ended up hurting everybody I loved.

 

When this clicked for me was when I got up to get some water. All of a sudden the room dimensions felt different and it felt as if I had woken up. Tears began to stream down my face (and I never cry) as I realised how much I have been hurting everyone, and how I wasn't my ego. Then when I sat down after the first wave of tears subsided, the evil side of my ego began to fill my mind with graphic and disturbing images, taunting me saying that I'd never be rid of it. I cried again as I realised that this wasn't me, and that part lost its power over me.

 

I then began thinking "I have to write this down" and that I couldn't wait to tell people. It was at this point that I realised that everything spiritual about my journey had been just to show other people that I was spiritual. Heck, the end result was just to get high from being enlightened. At this I cried the hardest.

 

Then I stopped, and at that very moment the song that reminds me the most about my girlfriend came on (Destiny by Zero 7). It was as if it was her singing to me, and I realised how bad I have treated her.

 

After all this happened, I went to sleep. In the morning my phone started working but I had lectures so we decided to chat later on. I felt completely different yesterday, like I didn't know who I was. I was scared, and I was detached from reality. Last night she told me that ages ago she kissed this guy when we weren't going out, and that it really hurt her to do so and she stopped it as soon as it started.

 

I then remembered something that happened ages ago when I was drunk, that I kissed this girl, and I told her and she broke down completely. I cheated on her. Even typing this makes me disgusted, because I stood for honesty and then did this to her. And it was 5 months ago, so it completely invalidated our relationship.

 

She let me have it (and rightly so), and I wept and wept and wept about what I had done and who I was as a person and how many people I have hurt. She left me, and I was devestated. I resolved to find the truth in who I am, and not pretend anymore.

 

It turns out she hasn't decided yet whether or not to leave me. The way that I feel now, I don't feel like I deserve her at all and I completely respect if she leaves me. I was dirt, and I cannot believe how I have treated people. I take full responsibility for it and all I want to do is make it up to her and those that I have hurt. I love her so much, but I have lost her trust completely.

 

We talked about it and the 2 options she has are to leave me, or to wait for me to prove to her that I have truly changed, and that it will never happen again. I am definite that this will never happen again, and I have been spending the past day coming from a place of sincerity. Whenever my mind has been running old strategies, the deeper me speaks softly and shows me that this is just an illusion, and is not the reality of the situation. I have resolved to never take any drug again, simply because it just reinforces my ego and hides the truth. I know that I will grow in the right way because of this.

 

But it doesn't change what I did. She doesn't know what to do. What do you think I or she should do now?

 

Thanks in advance for any advice, I'm calm and aware but still I feel like I need some guidance. My world has been turned upside down and I cannot look back over anything I have said or done before last night that doesn't disgust me to the core. I was an intellectual animal, and I resolve to be better than that.

 

Mr.Orange

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Proving that you have changed takes time. First you have to be committed to changing because you are disgusted with yourself, then you have to be fully aware of yourself so that if the bad behaviours start again you can stop them immediately. She no longer trusts you and it will take more than a day for her to gain that trust back...time will tell if you are committed to making a permanent positive change and trust will only come back if she sees over time that you are sincere about changing.

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Thankyou for your replies,

 

Today I have been the most productive I have been in a long time. I am focussed and dedicated, albeit not in a "revolutionary" way as I was before (riding on a wave of excitement about my new behaviour). I can see a long road ahead of me, but I'm tackling it with sincerity, elation and love instead of greedily hunting the next high.

 

I just want to post to say how grateful I am that I have a second chance. You are right, rebuilding that trust won't come overnight. In fact, it would be wrong for it to do so. Every time we argued before I filled her up with promises of change and growth, so this time I have said that although I feel this change on every level of my being, that only after time and after progress is witnessed should she trust me again. I feel she is well within her rights to leave me, but the fact that she is giving me this chance proves beyond any reasonable doubt that she is perfect for me.

 

Thankyou again, and have a great day!

 

Mr.Orange x

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